So welcome to the first part of "Sanity's Vacation"! Basically, it'll be where I put anything intended to be humorous. I may will likely will most certainly fail, but then you can laugh at my failure.
Rated "T" for who knows what's going to happen in these things.
I DO NOT OWN POKEMON. END OF STORY. I also do not own the lyrics to any of the songs used, or the iPhones mentioned in the commercial!
Italic text is stuff seen on camera.
Normal text is stuff not necessarily seen on camera.
Bold stuff is the announcer.
So enjoy. If you wish.
The announcer's voice drones tiredly on over the loudspeaker.
"Welcome to the first annual Cerulean City Sing-Off. I will now remind everyone of the rules, competitors and spectators alike. First, teams must be in groups of four. Humans only. No Pokémon."
From near the stage a disappointed "Pika..." can be heard.
"Second, only one team member may sing at a time until the duet round."
A teary "Aw!" is heard from a pair of girls.
"Third, all teams must have names."
"Well, duh." goes the audience.
"And last, no drunkenness allowed."
The entire room emits a shared grumble.
"And now let us meet our teams."
The camera cuts to a shot of the first team. It is four girls – Misty, May, Dawn, and Leaf – cheering excitedly.
"Team Chikoritas. Leaf Green, May Maple, Dawn Platinum, and Misty Waterflower."
The next shot reveals three boys. Ash is standing with Gary, who is surrounded by his cheerleaders, and Brock, who is drooling over said cheerleaders.
"I'm afraid that this does not constitute a team."
"It doesn't what a team?" Ash asks.
"Sorry," Gary explains, "We lost our fourth member with the 'no-Pokémon' rule."
"Drew will join you!" May calls from where her group is standing. "Won't you, Drew?" she inquires, throwing the green-haired boy a charming look. From the stands, Drew sighs and reluctantly steps down from his seat to join the boys' group.
"I had better be getting something for this later." he shoots back at May, who winks in return.
"We'll see how well you do!"
"Now we have team Tepigs. Ash Ketchum, Gary Oak, Brock Slate, and now some random green-haired boy."
"My name is Drew Hayden!"
"The new addition to team Tepigs has been officially named as Drew Hatred."
"Hayden! Not Hatred, Hayden!"
"We apologize. Names cannot be changed now that the sing-off is beginning."
"Screw you." Drew huffs.
"Next we have team Meowths."
The camera reveals Jessie and Cassidy, who are glaring at each other, James and Butch, who won't acknowledge each other's existence, and Meowth, who is muttering something angrily under his breath because he's not allowed to sing.
"I can talk," he grumbles, "So why'm I not allowed t'sing?"
"Jessie, James, Cassidy, and Brutus."
"The name's Butch, not Brutus!"
"We apologize. Names cannot be changed now that the sing-off is beginning."
The camera pans between teams Chikoritas, Tepigs, and Meowths cheering, looking bored, and growling at each other, respectively.
"And now we have Round One. We will begin with team Chikoritas' Dawn."
Dawn takes the stage, waving at the crowd and soaking in the applause. Little does she know, however, that the applause is coming mostly from the males of the audience taking in her tiny skirt. She takes the microphone and begins to belt out a few lines of a song before she realizes that the speakers behind her are eerily silent.
"Hey!" she calls. "What's the big idea? Where's my music?"
"Dawn!" Misty whispers harshly from the sidelines, "There's a machine right next to you. Press the arrows to find your song!"
The blue-haired girl begins to do so, taking an achingly long time. Finally, the first few notes of Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me" starts to play from the speakers, causing the crowd to groan. Smiling stupidly, she crows the lyrics, attempting – and failing – to dance along.
"She wears high heels,
I wear sneakers,
She's cheer captain,
And I'm on the bleachers,
Dreaming 'bout the day where you wake up and fiiiiiiind..."
"Isn't it ironic," Misty whispers to May, "How she's wearing high heels and is the cheer captain?" May giggles and nods in response.
Eventually the song ends. There's a huge round of applause – again, mostly from the males hypnotized by her flipping miniskirt.
"And next we have Brock from team Tepigs."
Brock hops up on the stage, pushing Dawn off. He snatches the microphone and pushes buttons on the machine, and as the music begins, he yells into it, nearly deafening the crowd.
"THIS IS FOR ALL OF THE NURSE JOYS AND OFFICER JENNYS AND EVERY OTHER BEAUTIFUL GIRL!"
"Take it off
I wanna love ya!
And everybody
Wanna touch ya!
You move it right...
Nice thighs, nice waist,
And you know I can't forget about your face!
But don't none of that matter,
I'm about to make your pockets fatter!
Girl I just wanna see you strip-"
Sadly, the song is Chris Brown's "Strip", and his voice is entirely wrong, being far too deep, and the song cuts off in the middle of the first chorus.
"I think we have our first elimination and the institution-"
"The what?" Ask asks.
"-of a new rule. No provocative or otherwise mature songs. Next is Cassidy from team Meowths."
The next part of the show goes similarly. Jessie sang Play's "I Must Not Chase the Boys".
"I wanna go left, but they tell me go right!
Don't wanna by the little girl they kissin' goodnight!
The moral of the story is I got no choice-
I must not chase the boys!"
The second round began, as Jessie made it successfully through, with Leaf singing Cascada's "Every Time We Touch" -
"Cuz every time we touch, I get this feeling,
And every time we kiss, I swear I can fly!"
The last line is sung with a wink at Gary, causing the following chant from his cheerleader posse as he steps up to the stage:
"Gary's awesome!
Gary's bacon!
If he were single,
We would take him!
Screw you, Leaf!"
The last line is shouted very loudly, with every girl sticking her tongue out at Leaf.
"...Bacon?" Ash asks.
Gary then proceeds to sing a Justin Timberlake smash hit that I'm sure we ALL know, complete with the obnoxious "yeah"s after each line:
"I'm bringing sexy back.
Yeah!
Them other boys don't know how to act.
Yeah!
I think you're special, what's behind your back?
Yeah!
So turn around and I'll pick up the slack."
And of course the entire time he's smirking at Leaf, causing her to furiously blush and hide her face behind her hat. Poor Leaf.
For reasons unknown – but generally appreciated – Gary is eliminated.
James then sings the theme to Barney.
"Barney is a dinosaur from our imagiNAtion..."
And there is a commercial break, sparing everyone in the TV audience the rest of the song. The live audience, unfortunately, are not spared.
(Why was the Barney theme song even in the list?, they wonder.)
"When we return, we will have May from team Chikoritas, Drew Hatred-"
"Hayden!"
"-from team Tepigs, and Jessie from team Meowths. Then will be the final Duet round - as team Meowths' Brutus has marched out of the stadium and they have no fourth member - starring team Chikoritas' Misty and team Tepigs' Ash!"
COMMERCIAL BREAK!
Well, lookie here. It's Brock, narrating a commercial! What's this commercial for? Why, it's for the iPhone! Here we go!
- Some random obnoxious pop music is playing in the background... there are happy people – namely Misty, Ash, May, and Drew – holding their brand-new iPhones. -
Brock: Hello all you good people! I'm here advertising the BRAND-NEW ONE-OF-AN-AMAZING-LINE … drum roll please … iPHONE! We didn't feel like giving it a number, so we're just calling it the NEW iPHONE! And look at all the amazing things it can do! It can... check your e-mail!
- Camera zooms in on May, who proudly holds her phone up to it, squealing -
May: I just got an E-MAIL! It's from Drew!
- Drew appears on screen -
Drew: Don't show them that e-mail...
May: ...too late...
- Camera returns to Brock, trying his best to recover from the e-mail's potential contents -
Brock: It can... uh... browse the web!
- Camera flips to Misty, who refuses to show the camera her screen until Brock forces her hand to hold the device up. The screen shows where she has google-image-searched Ash. Quickly Brock returns -
Brock: It can... play games!
- The camera pans to Ash, who is so absorbed in a level of Angry Birds that he doesn't even notice he's being filmed -
Ash: I GOTTA BEAT THIS LEVEL! I GOTTA! I - YOU STUPID BIRD YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN OUT THAT PIG!
- Misty peeks in -
Misty: That pig is the same color as Drew's hair...
Ash: It is!
Drew: Are you calling me a pig?!
- The camera returns to Brock -
Brock: And of course, it can call people!
- Camera switches to Drew, who is holding the phone, confused -
Drew: There's no phone numbers in here...
Brock: Just call one you know!
Drew: But I only know one...
Brock: Then call it.
- Drew shrugs and presses three numbers on the device before putting it up to his ear -
Drew: Hello? Nine-one-one? I'm calling from the set of an iPhone commercial...
Brock: DREW! HANG UP! YOU CAN'T CALL THAT NUMBER! THERE'S NO EMERGENCY!
Drew: But you said to!
- Drew presses a button and the call ends -
Brock: Honestly, I thought the number you knew was May's!
May: He doesn't know my number, actually...
Brock: And we have Captain Obvious!
- Brock motions to May as he says this. In the background, the obnoxious pop music has stopped, and the sound of a police car siren can be heard -
Brock: Should we...
Drew: Run?
Brock: ...Yeah.
May: Let's.
- The three drop the phones and make a dash for the door, followed by Misty and the rest of the camera crew. Nobody thinks about poor Ash, who is still sitting on set absorbed in his level of Angry Birds when the police walk in. The camera is toppled and goes black, and the text "The New iPhone!" appears. -
The camera shows that May has taken stage by the time the commercials end. She is making an attempt at making the machine work. Unfortunately, she presses the button for the wrong song, and can't find a way to change it. She yells at the machine while the first few notes of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" blare through the speakers, then kicks it and begins to sing.
"Is this the seal life?
Or is this manatee?
Caught in a man's eyes
No escape from mentality!"
The entire room is dead silent as she mercilessly butchers the poor song.
"And we have an elimination. Up next is Drew Hatred from the Tepigs."
May is shown crying, and Drew has to carry her off the stage and back to the other girls. He then easily flips through the songs on the machine and begins to sing in a strangely good voice that has all of his fangirls swooning.
"This seems so hypnotic,
Smoke and mirrors,
Lights and magic,
Paper faces in gold,
There's soldier boys, beauty queens, everyone's a mystery.
It's got me losing control."
The song is the Backstreet Boys' "Masquerade", (A/N: Sorry if you don't like the Backstreet Boys. I do. And I love this song for him, so you can get over it, m'kay?) and the entire audience is acting as if he's famous or something. Even Ash is looking at him like he's a ten-layer chocolate cake. And May, of course, has dried her eyes and is hanging on the stage for dear life as he sings.
"It's a masquerade, a love parade,
So won't you stay, and dance with me?
All through the night and day,
My masquerade, I need you, baby,
So stay with me tonight..."
As the song ends, there's a huge round of applause, bigger than Dawn's, and he bows. Before stepping regally off of the stage, he takes a rose from his pocket and hands it to May, who faints.
"A fantastic performance from Drew. Now it's the Duet Round. We have team Chikoritas' Misty and team Tepigs' Ash."
The two take their places on the stage and argue for about twenty minutes over what song before Misty gives up and hits Ash over the head with her mallet. She pushes the button for a song and somehow manages to shake him back to consciousness before it's time for them to sing.
"Don't go breaking my heart," Misty sings. Ash, looking rather confused, has to look at the lyrics on the machine, but recognizes the song and begins to dance as he sings...
"I couldn't if I tried!"
"Honey if I get restle-oof!" Misty cries as Ash grabs her arm and spins her, causing the crowd to laugh.
"Baby you're not the kind!"
As the song continues, Misty is left embarrassed and the crowd is all wishing they hadn't drank so much beer, as Ash is dancing and skipping around the stage like a fool while singing terribly off-key, and even the TV audience can be heard laughing.
Meanwhile, many of the cast (namely Dawn, Leaf, Brock, Drew, and Gary, as May's still unconscious and team Meowths left after May's song-killing performance) have slipped away and have broken into the bar, and are proceeding to drink all means of alcohol, from beer – Gary's and Leaf's preference – to tequila – Dawn, who's completely drunk after a single shot – to vodka – Drew's drink of choice. (It's uncertain where Brock is, though later questioning reveals that he was hiding in the cabinet with the rum.) Naturally, the camera can't see all of this, as it's still focused on Ash's show of... actually, I'm not entirely sure.
Ash continues to punch in song after song, Misty quietly making an exit after the first one is over, to join the others behind the bar. She grabs the tequila from Dawn and proceeds to drink out of the bottle, in an attempt to drown out Ash's singing.
Unfortunately, it doesn't.
"Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me maybe!" Ash sings.
She takes a drink.
"Boy you got my heartbeat running away! Beating like a drum and it's coming your way!"
Another drink. Where did he learn the Nicki Minaj?
"And I was like, baby, baby, baby, oooh!"
Two drinks for the Justin Bieber.
And suddenly she's being dragged.
She finds herself on the stage with Gary (still holding the bottle of beer), Leaf, Dawn, Brock (who's clutching the empty bottle of rum and screaming, "Why's all the rum gone?"), and Drew, who are maniacally punching buttons on the music machine (except for Dawn, who's trying to get Ash to drink something) until a song plays. Leaf begins the first few notes.
"The sun goes down!
The stars come out!
And all that counts is here and now!"
Gary, dropping the bottle, picks the song up.
"My universe will never be the same!
I'm glad you came!
I'm glad you came!"
Drew, carrying a still-unconscious May, continues.
"You cast a spell on me, spell on me!
You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me!
And I decided you look well on me, well on me!
So let's go somewhere no one else can see, you and me!"
Ash, being as much of a lightweight as Dawn and managing to be drunk off of the few drops of whatever went down his throat, grabs Misty and spins her around, attempting to act out the song as he sings.
"Turn the lights out now!
Now I'll take you by the hand!
Hand you another drink -
Drink it if you can!
Can you spend a little time?
Time is slipping away!
Away from us so stay!
Stay with me I can make -
Make you glad you -hiccup- came!"
Misty, giggling in her drunkenness, plants a kiss on his lips as Brock and Dawn duet the rest of the song. Well, mostly Dawn, as Brock continues to scream "Why's the rum gone?" after every line.
"The sun goes down!
The stars come out!
And all that counts is here and now!
My universe will never be the same!
I'm glad you came!
I'm glad you came!"
And soon, everyone passes out on stage, one by one. Or roughly simultaneously. May was already passed out.
"And that concludes the last annual Cerulean City Sing-Off."
Dawn groans and rubs her head. What happened? she thinks. She can barely remember, looking at the sleeping people around her on the stage. The place reeks of alcohol. She reeks of alcohol.
Leaf and Gary are wrapped in each other's arms, her head resting on his shoulder, an empty bottle of what had been beer by his foot.
Drew has his arms securely around May, a rose in her hands.
Misty is laying on top of Ash, his hands around her waist, her fingers in his hair.
Well, they must have had fun, Dawn thinks.
And then her attention turns to Brock, on the other side of the stage, clutching an empty bottle of rum. The only sound – aside from Ash's snoring – is his sleepy muttering - "Why has all the rum gone?"
And then she decides to go back to sleep and let someone else figure it out when they all wake up. Sleep sounds really good. Her head is killing her.
-FIN-
How'd you like it? Was it funny? Did it suck?
Songs used and not owned by me (in order, plus who sang them):
You Belong With Me – Taylor Swift (Dawn)
Strip – Chris Brown (Brock)
I Must Not Chase the Boys – Play (Jessie)
Every Time We Touch – Cascada (Leaf)
Sexyback – Justin Timberlake (Gary)
Barney Theme – Barney (James)
Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen (May. I apologize for butchering it. Or, rather, for May butchering it)
Masquerade – Backstreet Boys (Drew)
Don't Go Breaking My Heart – Elton John (Misty and Ash)
Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepsen (Ash)
Super Bass – Nicki Minaj (Ash again)
Baby – Justin Bieber (Ash yet again)
And last but not least:
Glad You Came – The Wanted (Everyone! … Except for May and Team Rocket)
Also, the iPhone belongs to Apple!
This was ten pages long and three thousand words. Go me.
Oh, and I'm not suggesting you go get drunk or anything like that...it just came to my mind. Ok? Don't drink and drive! Don't text and drive! Don't text and walk! (It's more dangerous than you think O.o )
Review! Please!
And if you have ideas for other funny stuff, tell me!