"How's he holding up?" Hodgins asked Aubrey. Other than some brief moments when dropping off or picking up the kids he hadn't seen much of Booth since the shooting.
"Not too good. He wasn't too happy to be sent up to New Foundland, he really wanted to be with the family, but I think he's feeling too guilty to fight anything Dr. B. says she wants no matter how much he disagrees with it." Aubrey felt a bit uncomfortable revealing that much about his friend, but knew that the others weren't going to gossip, they all desperately wanted to help.
"What the hell does he feel guilty about?" Hodgins shook his head.
Angela gave a bitter snort, "Come on, it's Booth. Are you really suprised?"
"No, but seriously, how was he supposed to know that Kovac would hack into Max's pacemaker and find the safe house? Considering Max didn't even tell anyone about the pacemaker until a couple of days before. I know that as a Catholic he's required to feel guilty, but this seems excessive."
Aubrey held up his hand to stop Hodgins before he really got rolling. "It's not the shooting actually, it's the stuff leading up to it. He keeps going over the last couple of months and wondering if we could have found Kovac sooner, done more to find him after Aldo's murder. Get that solved and Mike, Max and Barbara are alive. He feels like he should have done more to help Aldo. Plus, even though he won't talk about it, the circumstances surrounding Raddick's um, death", it was an open secret that Booth had made that shot, but Aubrey couldn't actually say the words, "that had to have haunted him. "
"It did. " Cam said softly.
The others looked at her expectantly. She shrugged and continued. "He never said anything specific, but, there were a couple of reactions that didn't make sense then, but do now." Specifically, she remembered dragging him to a family picnic. They were in a 'just friends' stage, but she hadn't wanted to go solo - that gave her dad too much fuel. Booth had given into her pleading figuring a day at the park couldn't be too awful, even if her family was involved. When they arrived at the park, he was his usual charming self, but when a joint birthday cake for two of her nephews appeared, he had paled. He was distant and edgy after that, and she'd started saying goodbyes, figuring he wasn't feeling well, but was puzzled by the sudden onset. When the kids jokingly started popping balloons he went back to the car abruptly. She'd found him pale, sweaty and shaking, and he'd handed her the keys. Him letting anyone else drive had scared her enough that she'd insisted on staying with him, despite his assurances that he was ok. When he had finally fallen asleep, he'd awakened them both with nightmares.
Aubrey sighed, hating that his suspicions were confirmed. He added, "He still has Agent Chatterjee's service tomorrow. That's going to be another rough one. Her fiancee is taking it pretty hard. "
Angela looked ill. She had been so focused on Brennan and making sure her best friend was okay, that she'd neglected worrying about Booth. She'd known he was hurting, Max was more of a father to him than his own, but she'd just assumed that he'd be there when Bren was ready to let him back in that she'd just accepted her friends desire to not worry about anyone else. She hadn't really considered the toll on Booth- two army buddies, an innocent civilian and a fellow agent. Crap.
The four of them were lost in their thoughts for a while. Finally Angela said, "It's not much, but I don't think either of them have eaten since this started. Aubrey, you're with me, Cam and Hodgins, you have Booth duty."
Cam nodded and then glanced at Hodgins, she had observed that in addition to food, Booth probably needed to sit down. He'd been standing for hours now. "I'll bring him over and then grab him a plate."
Aubrey fixed a plate of food for Dr. B while Angela went to her friend. "How you holding up, Sweetie?"
Brennan sighed. "I'm finding this very exhausting, but oddly comforting. It would not have been my choice to hold a wake, but Max's will was very specific and Booth insisted that we follow his wishes. Rationally, Dad wouldn't know one way or the other, but, I've had several people tell me things about him that I wouldn't have otherwise known. Funny stories, and times when he was helped them out of a jam. Some of the jams and Max's techniques for helping were somewhat illegal so I would have been irritated to find them out when he was alive, but now,... " her voice trailed off, "it's just confusing. "
Angela patted her arm. "You're finding out new things, and that you aren't alone in missing him. He's left a mark on others too."
Aubrey appeared with some veggies, salad and pasta. "Here Dr. B. You need some sustenance. Sorry I took so long, Max's friend Butch over there was filling me in on some of the more colorful details of Booth arresting Max. " He smiled at the mental image of Max fighting dirty and Booth paying the price. He was glad he never had to try and force the old con on the straight and narrow, but admired him for keeping Booth on his toes, or in that case, on the ground.
"Thank you Aubrey." She smiled, recalling that her dad had often teased Booth about the arrest. She looked around for her husband, usually he was the one to nag her about eating.
"Cam's making sure Booth gets something. " She pointed to the corner where Hodgins was sitting, Cam was in the process of dragging the agent over. "We've got your backs. " Angela offered a smile.
Cam shoved Booth down next to Hodgins, "Stay here. I'll be back with food. " It felt good to be off his feet, so he didn't put up an argument. His eyes searched the room for his wife, saw that Angela was leading her to chair and Aubrey following with a plate of rabbit food that he knew wasn't for the agent and he relaxed a bit.
"I may be out of line here, but I just need to say it. She doesn't blame you." Hodgins said quietly to his friend.
Booth's head snapped to look at the bug man, "What? She told you that?" He was torn between relief and annoyance that there was yet another person, not him, that Bones was confiding in.
"No. She told Angie, but even if she hadn't, I'd know. I'm not as rational as she is, but, counter factual thinking and logic don't mix, and we all know that Brennan is about logic. " Seeing the confusion on his friends face he continuned, "Counter factual thinking - the "if only's" of life. Aside from the laws of physics making time travel impossible, even if you could, there are too many variables involved to reasonably predict the likelihood of different outcomes based on altering a single moment, particularly one that had a major impact in your life."
Booth was staring, somewhat blankly, at him. "That shot, it changed you, haunted you?" Booth nodded. "Ok, then. If you hadn't been ordered to make that shot at that point in time, it could be argued that Kovac doesn't grow up to be a psychopath, and he doesn't try and take revenge on you and Max lives. But, there's probably also a case to be made that you don't take that shot, you stay in the army longer. Maybe you still become an FBI agent, but you don't end up working with Brennan, because the Gemma Arrington case isn't ever assigned to you. Or maybe without the changes in you that happened with that shot, you and Brennan meet, but don't ever become friends and partners. Without you, she doesn't ever forgive her father, there are no kids for Max to protect. He lives, but what's his life like? What's Brennan's like? Plus if you are going to take responsibility for all the bad that came out of it, you have to think about all the bad that might have come if you hadn't done it. Kovac might have grown up with a father, but be even more whacked than he already is, because let's face it, his dad was not a great role model. Plus, there are a lot of people who are alive now because the general was killed when he was. Maybe some of those people are making great contributions. There's no rational way to quantify it, so she isn't even trying. You shouldn't either. "
Cam arrived with food. "Thanks." Booth muttered, but his eyes were on Hodgins.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
When Booth and Brennan arrived home late that afternoon, they were exhausted. The kids had been taken care of by Emma's mom-she had often pitched in when Max wasn't available. Booth thought they might need to look into nanny services again, but wasn't sure how to broach that subject. While Bones was much more relaxed about nanny requirements than she had been when Christine was a baby, it would be yet another reminder of the hole Max's death had left in their lives. He felt better after Hodgins lecture but was still trying to take his cues from Bones and not push her before she was ready. The kids were a little subdued. Christine was missing her Grandpa. Hank was too young to understand what was going on, but recognized that something wasn't right. The family had a quiet dinner courtesy of one of the neighbors. Christine usually was happy to read to herself but tonight was insisting on joint story time with Hank so the kids were snuggled on the couch with thier mom while Booth had dish duty. Hank fell asleep during the story and Booth took care of tucking in duties for his son, while Bones made sure that Christine brushed her teeth.
Booth was entering his daughters room to dispense a good night kiss when Christine said, "Mommy, I'm sad about Grandpa." His heart broke a little bit when Bones replied, "I know sweetheart, I am too."
"We all are, pumpkin." He added sitting on the edge of the bed next to Bones. "It's ok to be sad and to miss him. But when you get sad, try and remember how much Grandpa loved you and some of the fun things he did with you. That will help. "
"All the trips to the park, and the museums. And he liked to play games with us. And he made us milkshakes " Christine mused, smiling for a bit, then her face grew serious again. " But then I get sad because I know we can't do those things again. "
Her mother hugged her close, "I know. It's hard. And you're right, he can't be there with you, but, I know that he left your dad his recipe for milkshakes, so, maybe tomorrow he can make you one."
Christine looked to her father for confirmation and he nodded. "After school, I promise." They hugged, he holding tight until she complained, "Daddy, you're putting excessive force on my rib cage!"
"Sorry! " He kissed her goodnight and headed towards the master suite. More hugs and kisses were exchanged between mother and daughter before Christine settled in.
Bones poured herself a glass of wine in the silence of the living room. She had heard the tub running and knew she would have some time to herself while her husband soaked. She reflected on the past few days and today, trying to come to grips with her emotions. At one point she thought longingly of the time when she was on her own and would miss no one. Then she thought about all she would have missed and rejected her thoughts. Booth was right, loving someone was worth the pain. She headed towards the bedroom and the man who was responsible for all the messiness in her life. He was already in bed asleep, her ponderings had taken much longer than she had realized. Under normal circumstances he would have come out to say goodnight, and she likely would have joined him. But, she had stated her wishes to not have him hover often enough the past few days that they were not in sync anymore. She quietly ran through her nightly routine trying not to wake him.
As she crawled into bed, he stirred and in that state between sleep and awake automatically reached for her. For the first time since her father's death she allowed herself to take comfort in his arms. He roused to hold her tighter. The dam broke and she started to sob into his shoulder. No words were spoken, just nonsensical murmurs of reassurance as he stroked her back, his tears mixing with hers. Eventually she stilled, and so did he. They slept wrapped together, home at last.