While You Were Sleeping
Oneshot
Written by xlovestory
Pairing: Edward/Bella
Rating: T
Comments: Something a little different from me. I hope you like it; feedback is love. (:
Oh God.
Please.
Don't be-
Don't be-
Don't be true.
No.
Please.
…
Please wake up.
February 10th, 2009
Day 13.
Alice says this will help. She says that it'll help me organize my thoughts and what I'm feeling. She says that if I won't do it for myself, I'll do it for you: when you wake up you'll be able to read this and find out everything that you - we - have gone through.
If you wake up.
But I can't think like that. Of course you'll wake up, sweetie. Life without you has no purpose; the day has no beginning or end - it's a continuous night. I suppose that's what this is for you, in reality. I'm trying to imagine what you're feeling right now. You must be so confused, so frustrated. Like an endless conversation when you can't articulate what you're trying to say. I bet it's so hard for you, honey.
It's hard for me, too.
But Alice says this is a good thing, so I'll keep doing it. Even when I think it's pointless.
I'm doing it for you.
February 14th, 2009
Day 17.
Today we got the most amazing news, darling - a perfect gift for Valentine's Day. My hands are shaking with excitement as a write this, so please excuse the writing when you eventually read it. I cannot express how much I wish I could tell you this, and for you to have the ability to respond. You'd be so happy. You'll be so happy.
Today all of our wishes came true. You're pregnant. After months and months of trying; after tears and yells of anger and hurt, we're finally on the road to having our family. I'm utterly speechless. I couldn't believe it at first. I just looked at Dr. Black in surprise, then shock, and then I told him to stop playing with me - it couldn't have happened! But it has, love.
I wish you could celebrate with me. No matter how happy this moment is, it would be so much sweeter if I could share it with you. Yet again, I find myself wanting to tell you many things - not just this monumental event. I'll spot something on the television, or an action that someone does in the street; I'll think 'Bella will laugh when she hears this' and then I remember. Of course, I tell you when I visit. But it isn't the same.
It won't be the same until you come back to us.
We're waiting. Please wake up.
February 16th, 2009
Day 19.
Alice cracked today. She knew all along that you were pregnant. So did you. You were on the way to my office when that idiot driver smashed into your car. She said you were deliriously happy, love. You couldn't wait to tell me that I was to be a Daddy.
I've thought about this for an entire day; sitting, no doubt, with my 'thinking' face on (the one you'd always comment on, saying it made me look like a sexy geek). I've gone through so many emotions these last three weeks that I feel like I'm drowning. However, one feeling surfaces more than the others on this particular subject: guilt.
I can't help but feel guilty that you're now in intensive care. If you were awake you'd slap me 'round the head and call me stupid. I just can't help it, love. You were on your way to see me. You were coming to me when you were hit. Then I think of how, if you hadn't had a reason to come and see me, this wouldn't have happened. That makes me feel like an ungrateful father; a bad father. You were coming with such great news. You just never arrived.
I'm deliberately not thinking of how our child could have… died.
I can't face that torture as well as the this trauma.
If you were here you'd cuddle me close and whisper in my ear that everything will be okay. That everything is okay now; there's nothing to worry about. You're here in body, but not completely with me.
Maybe that's what makes this so damn hard. Having you here, albeit with no reactions.
February 23rd, 2009
Day 26.
If there's one thing I know now more than ever, it's how much you mean to everyone.
Emmett and Rosalie have flown in from Chicago with little Beth and baby Stephen to see how you've been doing. They didn't bring Beth and Stephen here, though. It was just as well because they became so emotional when they saw you, honey. Rosalie, with her heartless façade completely broke down when she saw you - yes, even I was surprised. I didn't know she liked you that much either. I think you'll form a better relationship with her when you wake up. Emmett; I've never seen him cry so hard. It made me tear up once more, and believe me, I've cried enough to fill the Mississippi river! But after he'd calmed down he sat beside you and told you so many stories - both past and present. When he realized you might not be able to actually hear him, he broke down again. It was an exhausting day.
Esme has been the mother you wished you'd always had, Bella. She's been putting up a hard front, but I can tell she's just as broken up as the rest of us. We're all wanting you to open your eyes and talk to us, and we keep thinking 'maybe today will be the day'… yet it doesn't come. The Cullen family never have been patient, have we?
We miss you so much, Esme just as much as I do (in a completely different way, of course). She talks to you like you're completely gone, and it breaks my heart a little more each time she does so. She goes into these moments where she simply watches your face, willing you to move - just an inch would do - so we could tell that you're still… here. Doing okay. The monitors keep beeping but we need more reassurance.
Carlisle, however, tells us repeatedly that things are going okay. Every time he visits the first thing he does (after patting your hand and kissing your forehead hello) is check your charts and eye the monitors. He says you are in a persistent vegetative state. That means that you're awake… but you're not. They can't say for sure that you're able to hear things, or feel things, but they think that you're definitely 'out of the worst'. Dr. Black says, and Dad agrees, that this is a great improvement, but it is still impossible to say when you'll wake up.
You will. I have faith.
Alice is… trying to remain as upbeat as possible. She tells you details of all the shopping trips you owe her now. She describes dresses that she's going to force you to buy. She tells you about movies she wants to see, but won't until you're able to go with her. She's trying so hard, Bella. It's almost horrible to watch how she's trying to hold it together. We're a right pair; both utterly broken at the temporary loss of our wife or best friend. Jasper is the one that's the most calm out of all of us, but don't take that to mean that he doesn't care. He really does, and he's being so supportive. He's more than a brother-in-law to me now, love. He's a true friend; a brother.
Of course, amongst all this melancholy is euphoria at our news. They know how long we've been waiting for a baby, darling, and I'm - we're - continually being told congratulations. Being two and a half months along you're not really showing yet. Definitely not under these hospital gowns (Alice calls them 'frumpy' to which I reply that you're as beautiful as you've ever been). A part of me can't wait to see the bump - that tell-tale sign of carrying our child. Another part of me is quite happy that you're unconscious because you'll not be able to throw a tantrum and call yourself fat.
But the one thought that continually comes to the forefront of my mind is the hope that, despite all my joking, you'll wake up soon. It's been too long since I've heard your melodious voice, my love.
March 12th, 2009
Day 43.
Today you went through your first pregnancy scan. I've got the picture here with me now and cannot stop looking at it. It may only be a little bean, but it's the most beautiful bean I've ever seen. So precious. The heartbeat of our child is now all I can hear. It rang out proudly in the room. I wish you could have heard it.
There again, maybe you did.
This brings me onto another exciting thing that happened today. The ultrasound technician Angela, who couldn't have been nicer, took us through the procedure today. She talked to you and to me, which, I'll admit, freaked me out a little bit but she meant well. She got you all set up and lifted your pyjama top up. She told you that the gel would be cold and you laid there, stock still, looking like an angel.
Until the gel touched your abdomen and your nose twitched.
Yes, it twitched.
I'm only slightly ashamed to say that your movement made me gasp more than the picture of our child on the screen. Sweetie, you moved. It's taken forty-three long and tiring days but you've finally given us something to tell us that you're still there. It's given me more hope than you'd ever imagine, and even though it wasn't intentional I feel I have to thank you.
After the scan we rushed Dr. Black into the room to check you over and, even though your vitals were still the same, and the beeping noise from the monitors continued to the same monotonous beat, he said that this was progress. He can confirm that you definitely hear what we say to you. Feel when we touch you.
I feel closer to you than ever, and this is a very good thing.
March 27th, 2009
Day 58.
Dr. Black hasn't said much in the last two weeks, other than that I have to remain patient. He constantly reminds me that this is better than nothing. In other words, he's reminding me that I could have lost you completely.
I could have lost our baby, as well.
I swear that picture is the only thing that keeps me going some days. That, and your face. I want you to make another movement - a flicker of the eyes, a shudder of the fingers - and I know that's a little selfish. I'm not blaming you in the slightest. I know you're taking your time; you need to heal fully. You'll be happy to know that Alice has managed to clean all the blood out of your hair and that you'll be getting those stitches out of your head next week. When you wake up you'll not see the blood and faint again, which is good.
…I'll tell you how much I love you more than the dozen times a day I did before Bella. I'll never take you for granted again. Never.
Please wake up.
April 30th, 2009
Day 92.
I haven't written in the last month, and I know this will annoy you when you finally read this journal. Truth be told, I haven't done much this month at all. Jenks has allowed me to work from home now. I'm still writing my news pieces for the paper. In all honesty, they tend to be written in between visiting hours. I just can't stay away from you - from our child - for very long, in case I miss something. I'm scared that you'll wake up and I'm not there to greet you. I'm scared you'll move again and I won't witness it like I did the last time. I'm pretty much glued to your side; it's in compensation for the fact that I don't have to wait on you, hand and foot, during your pregnancy.
Your stomach is growing, and no, you don't look like a whale. You look stunning. You've got that 'glow' that everyone talks about. I didn't notice it until Alice squealed and told me to look. It's true, you are glowing. I wish you could see it.
The bump is forming nicely now. It's a perfect curve, a lovely half moon, hard to the touch but still so soft. I've spent hours just palming your stomach, feeling a little part of us inside. The first time I felt her/him kick I jumped backwards in surprise, which made Esme laugh more than I've heard in a long time. I watch your face as I touch your stomach, feeling the presses and kicks. Sometimes she, or he, kicks so hard it's a wonder you don't wake up from the force.
Alas, you don't and I deal with my disappointment. I just want you here with me, properly, my darling.
I need you.
Please wake up.
May 16th, 2009
Day 108.
When I woke up this morning I thought it would just be another normal day. But today has been full of surprises! Alice announced today that she too, is pregnant. The whole family are ecstatic and we can't wait to welcome another baby into the Cullen world. She told you first, love. She came into the room all quiet and sat down at your side. She whispered the news in your ear. I could see the sadness in her eyes when you didn't reply - I think that's what she wanted more than ever; what would have made this occasion that little bit better. Then she told all of us and we screamed and cuddled and spoke of our love for Jasper and herself. It was a truly special moment.
Again, I wish you'd have been able to witness it.
She told us a couple of hours later that she'd been waiting. Turns out she'd known for four months but hadn't wanted to tell us because of everything centring around you. I know you'll feel so guilty when you read this Bella, but please put that emotion aside. The point is, we know now, and what we want is for you to be able to be there when she gives birth. That would make Alice the happiest mother-to-be!
That's all we want. Just open you eyes, sweetie, and we'll be happy.
June 21st, 2009
Day 144.
Oh God, Bella.
I'm so sorry. I'm not really, but in some ways… I am. I'm sorry that you're here, hooked up to monitors and in a coma. I'm sorry that you're pregnant, even though it really is the most brilliant thing I've ever witnessed.
Today, on the day of your third scan, I was told the complications.
Everything during your pregnancy has been fine so far. It's a complete miracle. It's amazing that our child is still here, considering how much she/he went through with the crash. And everything had been going so smoothly. I never thought about what could go wrong… what could've gone wrong over the last 6 months.
I don't even want to think about it.
All that really matters is that you're both here.
You're going through so much right now and I feel so helpless. I'm missing out on rubbing your feet after a hard day; running out at midnight for snacks; making sure you stay put on the sofa. What makes it worse is not knowing if you're in pain. You can't tell us. Just that darn beep to keep you with us. God forbid that sound ever stops. It's driving me mad and keeping me sane at the same time.
No matter what happens, though, I'm right here with you. You're never getting rid of me. I'm here, always. If anything goes wrong we're at the stage where our child could survive. That thought gives me hope. Dr. Black mentioned that there are some cases where… I'd have to choose… who to let live. I couldn't do that. I couldn't. Won't. I live in fear of that decision. I have no idea what you'd want me to do. We never talked that through.
It doesn't matter how many times I run that scenario through my head… I always choose you. Maybe that makes it a bad father, again. Maybe that makes me a monster. Maybe it makes me weak… but a life without you makes no sense to me.
Forgive me for having these thoughts, honey.
There's no point thinking of this now. Not when everything is going so well. I'm so proud of you; so happy that you're still with me. In a couple of days, after everything has settled down again, I'm asking for the sex of the baby. You'll probably kill me when you find that out. I can't help that I'm impatient.
Maybe you'll have woken up by then.
That's probably wishful thinking.
June 25th, 2009
Day 148.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you… for two things.
For giving me the son I never thought we'd ever have. That ultrasound from a few days ago makes it real to me. This is actually happening. There is a little boy growing inside your stomach which will be a little of me and a little of you. It's so magical… so impressive. We're going to love this little boy so much. Thank you for giving me this opportunity; the opportunity to be a father.
Secondly, for granting me the one thing I've wanted these last 148 days. I swear I almost fainted. But took me a second to realize, but when I did… I've never been happier, never been more relieved than when you looked at me. You opened your eyes when the sex of our child was revealed. I was beyond ecstatic, clutching your lifeless hand as if it was the only thing keeping me together. I looked at you and your eyes flickered open. After the initial shock I simply gazed into those chocolate pools for as long as you gave me.
Those thirty-odd seconds mean so much to me. All I need now is for you to wake up. For your voice to touch my ears. For your skin to touch against mine, with movement.
The only difference now is that I'll wait patiently… you've given me enough right now for me to last on. The image of my eyes locking with yours is imprinted in my brain; no doubt staying until I look into your eyes once more.
July 19th , 2009
Day 172.
Dr. Black says you're becoming uncomfortable. Apparently he has been told this by that monitor that has become the soundtrack to my life. Beep. Beep. Beep. It's very frustrating; then I remember that it's keeping you alive and demand my inner voice to shut up. I wish I could stop that inner voice talking to me. It makes me worry more than I did before I acknowledged it. It goes on and on about how you might not make it - as if I don't know that already - and I really don't want to think about that.
You're going to wake up soon, aren't you, love?
You should see the city, love. Seattle, for all the fumes that you hate, is beautiful in all this sunshine. Of course, I'm acting like you've never seen the sunshine here before. I know we've lived here for years, but I'm looking at it with new eyes now. I'm appreciating how amazing everything around me is because life is too short not to notice it now. I feel guilty for not really looking, you know? But I'm looking now, darling. It's just as lovely as you said it would be when we were looking into moving here. The sun shine, the trees flower, the pavements are bright and lead the way to new places that I'm experiencing. Well… whenever Alice and Esme shove me out of the hospital. They say it's bad to be "cooped" up so much here. I reply that you're just as "cooped" up as I am and that I simply want to be here with you. Still, they win sometimes.
I wish you could walk these streets with me.
So you're uncomfortable, and that will only become a problem if our little miracle decides to move too much and ends up breach. If that's the case then there could be more problems that normal for such a birth as this. Dr. Black hasn't delivered a baby from a woman in a coma and I get the distinct feeling that he's excited about it. He's an excellent Doctor, but dear, he's weird. And I'm starting to think he's got a thing for you. But you're mine.
Mine.
Hopefully there won't be any problems. I'm trying to stay positive. So far we've been okay. No problems in the grand scheme of things. And judging by your progress, Dr. Black thinks you'll be waking up quite soon. In time for the birth? I hope so. That'd be perfect.
Just as perfect as you are, my love. My Heart. The One I Live For.
August 3rd, 2009
Day 187.
You've started moaning, love. I've waited months to hear your voice and now the only thing you're giving me is your pain. I've longed to hear you tell me you love me, and it hurts to know that you're in so much pain. I could see your love in your eyes that time you looked at me, but I need to hear the words. I need to know you're still love me, still here completely.
I suppose I know that you're alive more than ever now. I can hear how you are suffering. You've been laying in the same position - no doubt fighting to move but getting nowhere - for months now, and when you're finally coming back to us you're feeling our child pressing into your back bone. No wonder Dr. Black was saying you were uncomfortable. Believe me, if I could take the weight of our son, I would. I'd take him in a heartbeat. Mind you, if I could have you awake… I would sacrifice my life for that. I want you awake, love. I want you awake, to see our child.
I'll be meeting our son soon, Bella. Due to your pain and the fact that there could be extra complications because you won't be able to push during the birth, we'll be welcoming him into the world earlier than we thought. Next week to be exact. They are trying to keep you safe and comfortable, while letting him stay in the womb as long as possible. But by next week you'll probably be crying out in pain and that would make us all feel helpless. So I want the birth to happen as soon as possible.
I'll admit it's not just for you, even though you are my biggest priority.
I just can't wait much longer, love.
I'm so excited that Alice is telling me to calm down. Yes, you read right. Alice is telling me to relax (pigs are flying too). I just can't wait until I can hold him in my arms, and know he's real. Even though I can see your stomach - still as beautiful as ever - it doesn't feel real yet. I keep thinking I'll wake up and find us together in our apartment as if nothing has happened. I want that, and I really don't. It's such a muddle - I wish you weren't in a coma, but I want our son more than anything.
It's a vicious circle. So vicious.
Until the next time, darling. Until I've met our son.
August 7th, 2009
Day 191.
Two days. Two days until I meet him. It's surreal. Eight months, and the time has come. I've accepted the fact that you're not going to be there, honey. It'd be a pure miracle if you woke up before you gave birth. Although, here we are expecting a baby and that's a miracle in itself. It could happen.
But maybe I'm being overly optimistic.
I'll be welcoming our child into the world alone. But that's okay. Because I know that you'll wake up soon and it'll be perfect. You'll meet him soon enough, love.
Soon.
August 9th, 2009
Day 193.
Baby Boy Cullen. Born on August 9th, 2009 at 1:34pm. Seven pounds, 9 ounces.
Still nameless. Utterly perfect.
There's nothing I wanted more in the world than a child; a son. You've given that to me, Bella. I'll never be able to thank you enough for going through everything for me, for us. Letting another life take over your body to give our relationship another meaning. You've given me everything I wanted, and everything I never knew I wanted. Needed. I love our son so completely, even though I've only know him a few hours.
For the first few seconds I just held him in my arms and stared. I took in the features of you and of me; the pieces we give that make him whole. He has my eyes, just like you wanted. Your hair, nose and blush. My mouth. A perfect mixture that makes a beautiful baby. After he'd been cleaned up he was put in your arms and I swear I saw a hint of a smile on your lips. You'd stopped moaning by then - it was almost as if you knew what was going on. I believe that and it makes this day a little bit more special.
Of course, if you'd been awake it would have been better than ever. But I'm on a high; a son-induced high and nothing can bring me down. I know you'll wake up soon. We'll name our son. Our lives will go back to normal.
We'll live happily ever after. Because, God knows, we deserve it after these past eight months.
December 31st, 2009
The last day of this crazy year.
I can't quite believe you documented every moment. Alice, once again, has had an ingenious idea that means so much to me, Edward. It's perfect. It gives me everything I've missed, and let's you off the hook - you'll not have to answer my never-ending list of questions. I know you wouldn't mind, but this is even better. I can feel your every emotion in the moment, and I feel like I'd never been asleep.
Gosh, it's been quite a year, hasn't it? I remember being so excited and wanting to tell you I was pregnant so bad that I couldn't get to you fast enough. You know where that got me. It wasn't my fault, I know that, but I still feel like it could have been prevented. Alas, I can't dwell on the past.
Too much.
Every page gives me a look into that mind of yours, Cullen. I've read you at your worst, at your most excited, and at your most jealous - Black will never hold a candle to you, darling. I also have lots of material to tease our friends with (who knew Emmett was such a cry-baby?). This journal is invaluable. So thank you. So much.
Thank you for sticking by me through those nine and a half months where I was completely out of it. I wish more than anything (and know that you do too) that I was there for Adam when he was born but you did a wonderful job of taking care of him on your own for that month and a half. It's still a little surreal for me to believe that we have a son. I kind of miss feeling pregnant, since I skipped that part. Maybe I'll experience it in another couples of years, huh?
It's ten to midnight and we've just put Adam to bed since he couldn't sleep - the fireworks were too much for his little ears. It's been a long time since I've really felt you, and I want to feel connected to you as this new year begins, so I'll finish this entry here. I think we've finished this journey now, don't you?
But this isn't a sad occasion.
I'm sure we've got plenty more journeys to come and I can't wait to share them with you.
Yours, always… for the last time in this little book…
I love you.
~Bella.
I'm not sure how people will accept this story. It isn't a typical boy-meets-girl romance; it isn't like anything I've written before. But, as an aspiring author I want to try out new things, so this is a new venture into the world of writing. I hope you stuck out the 5000+ words and liked it in the end! (:
*Put me on author alert!
*Check out my new short story starring Emmett & Rosalie - "Where Your Heart Lives". A new chapter coming soon!
*There's a link to my LiveJournal on my profile. Click it and find snippets of new writings, and random things that I chat about. ;D
Comments help me improve. Thanks!
-xlovestory