The street was dark, dank, dirty and, for the moment, deserted. After one final look around, Remus raised his wand and pointed it at a blank stretch of wall. He muttered the first password and attempted to maintain control over his feelings. He would have liked to have been alone dealing with his grief, but at the same time he knew that his responsibility to the Order was, at the moment, greater than his responsibility to himself.
Remus continued the security routine until the front door of Order's headquarters came into view. He knocked.
"Who is it?" someone asked from behind the door. From the voice, Remus suspected it was Arthur Weasley.
"It's Remus…is that you, Arthur?"
The door swung open to reveal not only Arthur but also Albus Dumbledore and Frank Longbottom. All three had their wands raised and pointed directly at Remus. This was typical—as a security measure, no member of the Order trusted another until his identity was confirmed. What was not typical was the look of mistrust and betrayal in their three faces. Remus, confused, prepared to answer his security questions. Instead of asking them, however, Dumbledore disarmed Remus with a flick of his wand. With another minute movement Dumbledore bound Remus head to toe in thick ropes. The ropes tightened painfully, and Remus found that he could not move. He tried to protest, to tell Dumbledore and the others that it had all been Sirius, that he'd had nothing to do with the murders, that he had also been betrayed—but before he could open his mouth, a rope identical to the ones tied around his body had gagged him, and he was being levitated into the house.
The door closed tightly behind him. The paneled hallway, which was normally brightly lit, was dim—no one had bothered to turn on the lamp. The only light spilled out of a doorway at the end of the hall. Arthur and Frank proceeded towards the light. Dumbledore followed. Remus floated beside him, still struggling against his bonds. Remus could hear the murmur of hushed voices emanating from the lighted room, but as the four men drew closer the voices stopped.
Arthur and Frank walked in the door and sat down immediately. Dumbledore, on the other hand, remained standing with Remus. Remus looked around the long, narrow room. It had been the Order's main meeting room for months, but never had it looked so still or so empty. The charts, lists, and maps, which were taken down at the end of every meeting so that they wouldn't be discovered if the hideout was found, had not been put back on the walls. The entire remaining Order (of whom there were only about twenty) was there, but for once everyone was quiet and everyone was still. Even the portraits on the walls, who were usually as loquacious as they were helpful as spies, had fallen silent. Rubeus Hagrid, Alastor Moody, Minerva McGonagall, Daedalus Diggle, even Mundungus Fletcher—all were there. In fact, the only person who was (rather conspicuously) absent was Severus Snape. Remus hardly noticed, however, as every member of the Order was looking at him with the same suspicion and anger as the first three had.
Remus was forced into a chair, but his bonds were not removed. Tears began to form in his eyes, but he forced them back. No. Not here. Not now.
Dumbledore flicked his wand a third time, and Remus' gag was removed. Remus found, however, that suddenly he had no words. Such a tumultuous mix of desires, questions, ideas, and feelings rose within him that he was incapable of expressing anything. So he sat in silence for a moment, catching his breath and trying to hold himself together. Trying to think of something—anything—other than the past two days. He furrowed his brow. At the moment, he could hardly remember what things had been like before all this had started.
Dumbledore spoke first. Some of the fire had gone out of his icy eyes—he now looked merely tired and sad. "I take it from your silence that you know why you are…in your present situation," he said slowly, gesturing at Remus' bonds with one long, graceful hand.
Remus opened his mouth to say that he hadn't the foggiest, thank you very much, but then it hit him. He stopped himself. They didn't think…
"You can't think I knew this was going to happen, do you?" he blurted angrily. After all he had been through the idea that the others didn't trust him was infuriating. "Don't be thick. If I had, why would I even be here? Why would I have even come back?"
"Why don't you tell us?" asked Alastor Moody coldly, his false eye staring right through Remus, "You were living with him, after all. I find it hard to believe that you had no idea about what he was going to do. But maybe you thought we would still trust you anyway, and that's why you're back."
"Believe me," Remus snarled, "I wouldn't be stupid enough to come back after that. I am just as bloody shocked as you are. Probably more so. I would never have betrayed the Order, and I would never have betrayed James and Lily. I just wish I had been the one to find Sirius." Remus had to choke out the name. He continued, but his voice still sounded strained, "Thirteen lives might have been saved. As for how I didn't notice—he was always out doing things for the Order. So was I. In the end, I spent more time working than I did with him." Remus hoped he had not sounded bitter. He glared around the table, daring his comrades to continue to disbelieve him. His eyes came to rest on Dumbledore, whose face was impassive behind his long white beard and glinting spectacles.
"There were those in the Order who thought you were a spy even before this happened," piped up Emmeline Vance.
Remus felt his stomach sink. Could the Order members think they had evidence? "Who said that?" he demanded.
There was an awkward pause. Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Sirius did, actually," he admitted.
Everyone looked a little ashamed at Dumbledore's words, but Remus thought he felt the room relax slightly as well.
"Well, that proves my story then, doesn't it?" Remus snapped, "He was the spy, and he wanted to frame me instead. But he was the Secret-Keeper, not me. You know that. And now he's killed his best friend, his best friend's wife, Peter, and all those Muggles. Any day now, they'll lock him up in Azkaban and throw away the key. But I'm telling you—I had no idea. None." Remus' voice finally broke, and a tear slid down his face. In the silence that followed, Remus could no longer ignore the hollow, aching chasm inside his chest. He ducked his head to hide his face as the tears began to flow faster. He felt his bonds loosen and disappear. A hand came to rest reassuringly on his shoulder, and he looked up to see that it belonged to Alice Longbottom. Her gaze was fixed on Remus' face, and her eyes swam with sorrow. Indeed, the entire table was now realizing the enormity of Remus' situation. Everyone was looking at him with intense pity.
"I'm sorry we had to put you through that, Remus," said Dumbledore, "But you can't be careful enough these days."
Remus stood up, nodded at the table, and walked briskly out the door into the cold, damp night.
Remus had lost more that night than any of the other remaining members of the Order. His three greatest friends were dead, and the only man he had ever loved was now on his way to prison, never to be seen again.
Remus couldn't make sense of any of it. Sirius had loved James. In fact, James often joked that while Sirius was in love with Remus, Sirius liked James better. And there was some truth in that. Back when James, Remus, Sirius and Peter had all just been friends, there had been no denying that Sirius and James shared the closest bond. They were closer than brothers. Even when Sirius and Remus began exploring the possibility of being more than friends, Sirius and James remained inseparable. Remus had feared that Sirius' and his transition between being friends and being lovers would be strange for James, but Sirius handled the situation with the same causal ease as he handled everything else. He would smile, shake his long, shaggy straight black hair out of his eyes (oh how Remus loved to watch the hair flow across Sirius' neck like a river at night as Sirius moved to look at something…), and charm the awkwardness away. But Remus had to banish these thoughts—Sirius was gone, and there was nothing Remus could do to bring him back. It was time for Remus to move on.
Remus wasn't sure he could.