There will be many many more instalments to this. I wish there wouldn't be. But there will. This is supposed to be similar to the original "Perks" but I don't own TPOBAW. Oh well. I hope you enjoy.
Dear friend,
I am writing to you because nobody listens and understands; and you told me you slept with that person when you didn't really have to. Please do not try to figure out who I am because then you might hate me more, and I really don't want you to do that. I probably will call people by generic names just because I was too lazy to really remember them for real. I don't enclose a return address because I'm scared of what you'll have to say. Honestly, I might just be writing this to raise hell.
I just need to know that you are out there and that you have the opportunity to understand. I don't care if you really listen. Go ahead and keep sleeping with people. Of all people I doubt you will read into this and understand. But, whatever, I'm writing it anyway. Disregard women, acquire currency. I hope you do because that's what people expect from you. And you can't disappoint the people.
So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and still trying to figure out how that could be.
A new year is coming up and I think it's time that I finally get some closure. I like to think that I am the way I am now because of myself, not because of you. But I have to admit I have changed so much since I met you. And I can't blame that entirely on you. Because I sure as hell mess up too. But that's beside the point.
I guess I'll start from the beginning. The beginning beginning. Like how it really started. Well at least for me. Remember the very first day in DC. We never really met, but you were there and I was there and we kind of had to do activities together. It was fun and scary. I was so intimidated by you. You had the quiet tortured lure. Any wrong look, I felt, you would tear me to bits. I thought you were so hot though. It might just have been because of your air of danger. Either way, I couldn't get enough of you. I wanted nothing more than to be with you every available minute. But you only wanted to be with that other girl. She didn't know what to say to you. But for some reason you thought she was so interesting.
Then later in the trip we really met. You and your friend AJ were both sitting alone on the bus ride to the baseball game. Remember that? Yeah he was in front of you and you just an aisle over from me and Charlie. I guess she thought AJ was hot (which he was) because she told me to scootch out so she could sit with him. I was so crushed that she would abandon me. To placate me, I guess, she suggest I keep you company whilst she got to know AJ. It was a good excuse to get close to you. And I really just needed the entertainment. I messed around with you the entire bus ride. And I found out afterword that you thought I was really annoying. I should have expected that but it still stung. We made I through and you warmed up to me kind of. Or at least you didn't directly put me down.
After we became really close. We texted constantly. Talked all the time. I remember one of the best moments; when you were with that other girl and I decided instead of being a jealous bitch I let you stay with her and I went off with my friends. Not even ten minutes after we left you were texting me where I had gone asking if you could catch up, tag along. I just remember how good it felt to be wanted. To know that I had a genuine friend who actually wanted to spend time with me. Like when you ditched your caucus to stand with me in the hall way whilst everyone else was lobbying. That feeling of being wanted. I've never had that before and I guess I won't ever have that again. I suppose I should be happy I got that for at least a few months in my life. Because I know some people really won't ever feel that way. That sheer joy I got from being with you. From seeing your name pop up on my phone when you would text me from just the other side of the room. Waiting for the times we could be together. Our inside jokes.
The day before the semi we went shopping and we had loads of fun. Or at least I did. I'm kind of bad at reading other people. But I think you guys enjoyed yourselves. But that's beside the point. While we were out you off handedly, didn't really, asked me to be your date. I don't think I had ever been happier. No I have. But I was damned happy. I tried to look great. I didn't. But it was the most effort I had ever put into myself; into looking good. For you. And when it was finally time, you didn't even sit with me on the bus. You barely talked to me at dinner and danced with me maybe once. And I really tried not to let it bother me. And it didn't really. You had me wrapped around your finger.
And that's when it all started. On the bus ride home. We sat together. And I don't know what, what triggered it. But you became so depressed and upset with how things were that in the span of a few minutes you went from being normal with me to telling me that when you got home you were going to kill yourself. You said that you had no real reason to live. That this was as good as it was going to get. Even though you didn't think that whatever that was was very good. I was distraught. I didn't know how to deal with you. I was so, in a twisted way, insulted, that I wasn't good enough for you. That you were my all and I meant so little that you would kill yourself whether you knew me or not. And that's when the 'real talk' began.
Livid. I yelled at you (in a hushed way). Petrified I didn't know what else to do. Tried my hardest that it was worth it and that even if you felt like life wasn't worth it for you to live you needed to stay alive for everyone else's sake. Which is truly messed up. But I went with it…more like ran with it. I was infuriated to the point of tears even though I hid that from you. You sat there emotionless as I ranted about how valuable you were and when I could rant no more you stopped me. You didn't tell me I was right or that I had gotten through to you. You just assured me that as of that very second, you were no longer suicidal. And that seemed to be good enough for me (mistakenly).
Utterly content with your answer I did what I had been waiting to do the whole trip. I snuggled up on your side. Holding your arm tight in my hands as to keep you from running and quickly fell asleep on your shoulder. On the ride home I woke up a few times to you readjusting or checking your phone. But the best part had to be when you lean your head on mine then and closed your eyes too. I guess we both had the same idea. That this was good; savour this. It was never said but we both understood in that moment, that this would not last.
And it didn't. The last moments of my delight being ended in Barry sitting behind us shaking our seats shouting in whispered tones something to the effect of, 'get up love birds'. Stretching you turned to me and asked if you could see me later that night. Sneak down to my room (strictly against the rules) so we could talk some more. How could I say no? I was wrapped around your finger.
All's fair in love in war right? I guess it's about time I tell you the catch then.
The entire time, I had a boyfriend back home, diligently awaiting my return.
Love always,
Me