Mama
As I ran my fingers over the piano, I glanced across at my mother, her face was pale and her eyes were glazed. A stab of pain pierced through my heart. I felt so helpless. I wanted to do something that would alleviate her pain, I wish I were a doctor who could cure her pain, I wish I had a miracle pill that could make her healthy and happy, I wish for so many thing, and yet all I could do was to hope that one day she could be cured.
Mama… You'll have to be fine. I'd do everything I can to help you be better, I thought silently to myself.
Mother closed her eyes, as the tune of the Chopin piece floated in her ears. Looking at her intently, I knew what I had to do, I knew what the future was in hold for me. The choice I had to make was clear.
Just as I hit the last notes of the Chopin piece, there was a light tap on the door. "Hello, my love," the entrant greeted as he kissed my mother. He then turned to me, "Hello Tamaki, it looks like I've missed hearing you play the piano."
"Tamaki dear, why don't you play something for your father?" Mother asked.
I gave a slight nod as I started on a Beethoven piece, I thought perhaps the grandness of this piece might suit the taste of Father.
Mother fell asleep as I finished playing this piece. Perhaps it was a good time to discuss about my choice with Father, I thought silently. I knew Mother would never allow me to make this decision even though it was for the better of her. Gesturing to Father, we left the room with Mother sleeping peacefully.
"Papa, I'll accept Grandmother's terms. I'll go with you to Japan."
"Your mother doesn't know about your decision, Tamaki?" asked Father in return. Indeed, he was correct, but I knew Mother would never agree to Grandmother's terms. Still, I had to do what I have to do.
"Mama would never agree to it," I stated.
"No matter what, Tamaki, you still need to let her know about it, and get her permission."
Mother has always been frail and sickly, and I've always been worried for her. Since I matured, Mother has always been that frail woman sitting by balcony waiting for Father to visit her occasionally. I knew Mother was lonely. So I'd accompany her whenever Father was not around, hoping that my presence would make her feel better. But she was still sick, and required doctors and nurses to tend to her regularly. Ever since Mother taught me to play the piano, I've been playing it for her, hoping that it would alleviate her pain from her sickness, and to pass time whenever Father was back in Japan.
I love the times when Father was with us, I knew Mother loved those times too. Father was always telling us stories about happenings back in Japan making me always wanting to go over and see Japan for myself. Now this was the chance for me to visit Japan, and to live there, and experience the culture there for myself. It would be a good opportunity.
But how was I to bring up this subject to Mother?
Over dinner that evening, Father nudged me.
"Mama?" I asked.
"Yes, Tamaki."
"I've decided to accept Grandmother's terms."
"No, Tamaki, there is no way I'll sell you to Mother just so that I can use the money for myself," Mother replied. I saw a pained look in her eyes. Doesn't she know, it's not just for herself. It was for me, and for Father, we all want her to get well soon.
"Mama, I can't bear seeing you like this. You need the money from Grandmother to continue your treatment."
"I'll do something about the money. I can recover some investments here and there, or something else. Even if we were to be declared bankrupt or have our house repossessed, I'll never give my only son up."
I saw the determination in Mother's eyes, but I was determined too. I was determined for Mother to get better. Lately after stopping her regular treatments, she can't even walk without aid and her face has been a pale shade of white, whiter than before.
"Dear, don't think of it as selling our son," Father said softly. Father has been ambivalent over this matter, I really wanted to hear what he thought about it. "I know it will be difficult for you to be separated from Tamaki, but our son is old enough to make decisions for himself. His future is in his own hands, and how well his future will turn out to be will be determined by himself. Have faith in him, dear."
Mother laid down her fork as tears streamed down her cheeks. Father gently wiped her tears as he helped Mother back to her room. I have to do what I have to do, I kept reminding myself, but somewhere along the lines there, I seemed to be losing faith in myself.
Creeping up the bed to Mother side, I no longer could hold back my tears. "Mama… I really can't bear to see you in this state. I know Papa doesn't want to see you like this too. Please, for our sakes, let me go to Japan."
Mother stroked my head. "Tamaki…" She relented, she finally relented. I was supposed to be happy that I have now got my way, but somehow, the tears still kept streaming down, and it flowed through my eyes even more rapidly than before.
"Tamaki," Father said as he laid his hand on my head over Mother's hand. "You must be prepared for the harsh times that will be in store for you."
I nodded. I was willing to do anything just to have Mother to be well again, anything.
"I shall call Mother now and tell her about your decision."
I went back to my room and pondered over the consequences of my decision. I knew that the moment I left Paris, I would never get to see Mother again, but for Mother to get well, I supposed, that was for the better. I thought about adjusting to life in Japan, but from all the tales Father told me about Japan, I don't think there would be anything I should fear. Maybe only Grandmother.
The next day, Grandmother came to settle the arrangements for both Mother and I. Mother was to be sent off to some place where I was not allowed to know. I was to immediately leave for Japan.
"Mama, I'll miss you, but you have to be strong and get well," I kissed Mother for the last time.
"Hmph… That bitch sold her son for some money, to think that you still revere a mother like her. Or maybe I should put it to be, that kind of mother can only produce this kind of son," Grandmother snorted.
Father came over to me and rested his arms around my shoulders. I knew he meant that he was there to comfort me, and he did not think the same way as Grandmother, but I also knew that Father was unable to change Grandmother's mindset. "The world is now yours to explore, Tamaki," Father said as he left with Mother. I was left to leave for Japan with only an old housekeeper to take care of me.
Putting aside my loneliness, there was nothing else I could do other than to be optimistic about the future. I knew that I can either be unhappy over life, or I could be happy. I wanted to be happy, I want to experience my life to the fullest in Japan even though I had to suffer the crude remarks of Grandmother, at least Father would be in Japan.
Peering out of the airplane window onto Narita International Airport, I was to welcome a whole new life. Past images of my idea of life in Japan swam up to my head. I wanted to sit around a kotatsu and watch the Red and White Song Festival, I was sure that it would be more fun that sitting around a fireplace and watch reruns of some disappointing movie. I wanted to go to Kyoto and see the Great Buddha of Nara, the Goryakaku, the Namahage and the Shisa Father has been talking about. And finally I was to meet real ninjas in life.
And finally, making real friends for the first time.
I never had many friends back in France. Mother was my life, everything I did was circled around her. Now that she can no longer be part of my life, I have to make friends, friends who will become part of my life, friends in place of my family. I was excited.