Surprise! Yay!

A one-shot... Or something like that.

So I know this wasn't "scheduled" and everyone's waiting for TACC's new chapter, but I just had to post this. I swear I woke up in the middle of the night with this in my head and I just had to write it down. It took me like... Half an hour, that's how frantic I was. I mean, I was sleepy as fuck, I could barely see, but I knew if I went back to sleep I would end up forgetting about it. I wasn't even sure if I was going to upload it - at least not before I finished the other story. But since it's a one-shot, I decided it wouldn't be such a big deal. And I'm not doing anything much right now, so why not, right?

It's a little different, I guess. It's more like Demi's rant before a superrr duper big moment in her life. Or whatever you guys want it to be. The title is a John Mayer song, though it's not in any way based on it. I just thought it fit the story...

I hope you enjoy it! And I promise to update TACC asap!

I'm not sure if I need to disclaim anything, but I know there are some really weird people on the internet who don't usually understand that most of the things they read are either fictional stories or just downright stupid rumors, sooo...

Disclaimer: I don't own nor am I related to any of the characters mentioned in the following fictional story. Again, F-I-C-T-I-O-N-A-L story. Well... that I own. I don't own the title either, just the plot.

Okay now.

Enjoy :)

This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday

If five or six years ago someone - anyone - came up to me and said that by 21 years old I would be where I am right now, having gone through everything I did, and still be able to live off of what I so passionately love to do, I would probably laugh in their face and wave it off.

This is all beyond surreal. I couldn't be more grateful. I guess there is always a rainbow after the rain... And there's always something better waiting for us after the pain. There's a ridiculous amount of metaphors that would apply to what my life has been before and is now. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel; it's always darkest before the dawn; our fears are only as strong as our will to overcome them, etc etc etc.

For so long I had my own demons leading me through life blindfolded... Yes, I made it. I became a Disney star, I dated a teen heartthrob, I traveled the world, I recorded albums, made movies, sold out concerts... My name was out there. Everybody knew Demi Lovato. But no one knew Demi Lovato, really. I mean... Demi Lovato, one of those Disney kids who are always smiley and polite, with multiple talents and sporting purity rings. Ha. Yes, sure. Everybody knew about that Demi. Everybody loved and fell in love with that Demi.

Of course now the world knows who my young selfreally was. For a very long time, I was ashamed. No wonder why I pretty much panicked upon the thought of people finding out about any of my inner conflicts and what a troubled child I was. Though looking back... I guess you could say there were moments when my cries for help were somehow implicit. Nervously anxious laughs, fake smiles, accidentally photographed scars, drug and alcohol abuse. And don't even get me started on boys... I was such a promiscuous little brat. I don't think I have been single for more than two or three months since I was fourteen. I couldn't bare the thought of being alone. I needed as many things as possible to keep my mind off of what tormented me. Yes, there was music. Music has always been there and always will. But, you see... There was only so much music could do to keep me from spontaneously combusting. It was enough and worked sometimes to put into words and melodies the ghosts within. But you have to understand my, uhm... Latin roots ache for physical satisfaction... Or something like that. Some people find it in sports, others in fighting, others work out, drug themselves or drink until unconciousness... Others have sex.

I think about all of that now and it fills my heart with pride to aknowledge those things no longer seem shameful. I'm not proud of them either. And even though it takes a lot of work and prudence to accept your past and understand that everything we've ever been through matters, I've come a long way. And now I'm able to accept and embrace the person I once was. And what makes me capable to do so, is the fact that I'm no longer her - troubled little Demi. I can talk about my past issues now for that exact reason... They're fated to remain in the past. And I'm devoted to the commitment of keeping them there. Yes, it is a daily struggle and it does take a lot of effort. In fact, it takes every bit of strength in me not to purge or go through a whole day without eating, or not to reach for a razor whenever I feel trapped for whatever reason. Not necessarily because I want to, but old habits die hard. That was the life I knew for too many years. I've only recently gotten healthy. I've only recently started to appreciate my body the way it is and accept I will never fit into modern beauty standards and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. The scars spread all over me are a daily reminder of darker times when I thought I was the ugly one. I know better than to succumb to any of it again.
Lately, whenever I see very, very, very skinny models proudly parading those bony asses on cat walks, I just feel like throwing cheeseburguers at their faces and glueing them to a chair until they eat their whole meals filled with carbs and protein. Obviously, I know some people are just naturally skinny - and there's also nothing wrong with it. But being in this industry for a fair amount of time now, I know some girls just deserve having cheeseburguers thrown at them without any mercy.

If five years ago someone turned to me and said I would be saying those things too, I would have laughed again. And maybe probably thrown a cheeseburguer at their face instead.

Anyway... Although I've come clean about most of my former issues, there are some things I just will not discuss - not any time soon, at least. Again, not out of shame. But, I mean... I can help - or at least try to help - people with eating disorders and self harming issues because I have overcome those. You never really get healed, of course. As I've said, those are daily battles. But I guess being clean of them for over a year gives me some credit to be able to advise people who are going through the same things. But... Why would I bring up the whole sex mania I had? It actually turned out to be one of the symptoms of my bipolar disorder, but I mean... It's not like sex is a bad thing. Or that I've stopped doing it, for that matter. I just look at the whole... Action in a completely different way now. I no longer use it as an excuse to keep my mind off of real problems and my soul in momentary numbness. And despite what everyone might say, I'm glad I found a person to share my new found life with.

Wilmer is an amazing human being. I have a hard time understanding why people glorify me for changing my ways but still judge him on who he used to be. Yes, he's way older. So what? It's not like he's abusing me or anything. It's consensual, people. I'm not a silly little girl who was seduced by a well chosen set of words and sweet gestures. I chose to be with him and we couldn't be happier, thank you very much.
He's been there for me. Still is. And in all honesty, I hope he always will be from now on. He treats me like no other guy ever did. Though our on again, off again past, this time is different. Because I'm no longer an obnoxious, spoiled, careless, troubled, junky little bitch now. And he isn't a self centered womanizer jerk anymore. We've fought our own battles. I mean, come on now... You can't really expect people who grow up under the spotlight, who hardly have 'no' for an answer, have multiple zeros in their bank accounts and fans to turn out normal, right? Famous people are always going to have problems - just like any average person. But the fact that we have millions of cameras targeted at our heads like freaking weapons just waiting until we crack under the pressure or involuntarily - or not - spill our nastiest secrets so they can instantly publish their amazing scoop, just makes everything - and I do mean everything - worse for us.

I knew it was going to be that way, though. It's scary and overwhelming and intimidating, but I knew all of that. Though I have also known from the beginning that there are ways to avoid the harassment from the media. I've had my portion of headlines on gossip websites and tv shows, tv news, newspapers, magazines and so on. Mostly when I checked into rehab. Just another lost and fragile Disney girl... Yeah, yeah. But my relationship with Joe Jonas was the most public one I've ever been in - and if you do the math now, I have been in quite a few. Sure, people knew about some of the other guys I had dated before him, but it was nothing so... Media appealing. I mean, please. We were pretty much teen royalty, Brangelina for youngsters... Pure hearts and innocent minds. Kids dreamed about us being together. Honestly, I shared that same dream for a while. And when it finally happened, I just wanted to scream for everybody to hear about it.

Who knew I would have my heart robbed by a teen heartthrob? I sure didn't. I thought I was smarter than that. Can you imagine what I felt like when he broke up with me? I was a clingy mess during the time we dated. I didn't measure words... There are interviews all over the Internet in which I repeatedly say I loved him and that he was perfect. Can you say whipped? And then I had to pretend like there was nothing wrong. We just realized were better off as friends. Does that line even work anymore nowadays? Bitch, come on. If two people are just friends they will remain that way. Because if it ever evolves to something more, the truth is that it was never just a regular friendship. And when it doesn't work out and you try to pull the "better off as friends" off on people, you will get a cheeseburguer thrown at your face.

I wouldn't say things got worse because of him - or the whole break up. But of course it increased every self destructive impulse I had within my mind, body and soul altogether to its fullest. The real reason for my break down, that many people assume to be Joe Jonas, is a lot more obvious than that. I mean, fine. I won't pretend like it didn't affect me in a very harsh way. It did. But just not in the way most people think. It got directly to my ego. I felt humiliated. The outcome of it all, if taken by the way it was painted by the media, was something like Joe was being forced into our relationship. If either by me, our managers, producers or the Disney people, remains still an undisclosed information by the same shitheads who started it all. I never had to force anyone to be with me. For the simple fact that I didn't need to. It's hard to admit, but I was pretty easy. It didn't take much for me to want to be with someone. Though it didn't take much either for me to just toss them aside and pretend like it never happened. I didn't have a lot of criteria back then...
But I realized the disaster it is to date someone under the spotlight.

So now I know way better than to be all public and media friendly about my relationship with Wilmer. It's the best I've ever had and I will do everything in my power not to ruin it. I love him. I'm almost obsessed with him. And I'm happy. So if in order to keep things the way they are right now I need to lie and say I'm not seeing anyone, I will do it. And I'm not even sorry. It took me a while, but I learned I have to put myself first. And if I lose a few "lovatics" along the way, so be it. Why do I have to say we are together when all of them already know it? Apart from, obviously, my family, friends and my health, my relationship with Wilmer is one of the most sacred things in my life at this moment. And I cherish it dearly.

I honestly don't think there's anything missing in my life right now. I am in such a good place that I think I would ask for absolutely nothing from my past if I ever had a chance to do so.
Though... There is someone I miss. Not anyone from those weird crowds I used to hang out for a while... Those people actually made my whole recovering process fail a few times in the beginning. No. Not any of those people. One person only, from way back.

Selena.

I mean... Being completely honest, I don't see how on Earth we would be able to be friends today. It's like we're the exact opposite of each other now. She's always in the eye of the gossip world hurricane. But that's only natural, since she dates Justin Bieber. Like... That's another thing that had I been told about five years ago - or that we would no longer be best friends (or even friends for that matter) in our early twenties -, I wouldn't throw anything at the person telling me that. I would slap their face straight up and tell them to get a grip.

Justin Bieber is a little brat desperate for attention. Selena... Enjoys the attention. She has a big ego too, but she manages to disguise it most of the time being her sweet self. She loves the good life and never had any problems talking about herself. Between the two of us, she's always been the outspoken, easy going one. I was so busy dealing with my own crap that I never even considered taking the time to be nice to people. If I was on a good day, lucky you. If not, fuck you. I guess that was pretty much the motto I lived by... My head was too clouded by the most distorted thoughts for me to realize how inconvenient my attitude was. Looking back, I don't think I was anything more than a burden to deal with - work wise and personally too.

Selena was probably my better half. She always had the power to bring out the absolute best of me. Always. For many years, she was the only one who could make me happy. It didn't take her much, though. We could be hanging out in each other's rooms doing nothing and that would be the highlight of my day.

And she knew. About everything. We were best friends, after all. It wasn't like I could hide all of my issues from her. Trust me, I tried. I tried hiding it from everyone. It didn't work, of course. But I didn't care. I kept it up, no matter who or how many people knew. I honestly couldn't care less. Little did I know how badly I was hurting and disappointing every single person close to me.

Especially Selena.

We were dreamers from the start. We used to talk about what it would be like to be in movies and on television, meeting famous people and travelling around the world. We had our entire careers planned. Together. There wasn't one prospective scenario of my future years in which Selena wasn't included. And vice-versa. We never pictured our lives without each other. We were supposed to get matching tattoos and move in together. Our kids would be best friends and get married just because.

I know that sounded weird. Weren't we secret lesbian lovers?

Well...

Not exactly.

Yes, we were too close. Actually, too close for what would be considered normal for two best friends. There is in fact a reason for that. Though it may or may not correspond to people's assumptions.

Selena and I went through a lot of life's transitions together. And we were in most of each other's first times. But get your head out of the gutter. I'm referring to first alcoholic drink, first marijuana brownie - and first blunt. -, first television show, movie, studio album, heartbreak and so on.
We were undeniably addicted to each other. Spending time apart always seemed like the end of the world - for me, especially. She kept me sane, somehow. Like I said, she was my better half. I felt anxious when she wasn't around. Vulnerable. Naked, even. She allegedly had power over me. Not in a puppet master way - my psycho ego wouldn't let her even if I wanted to -, but more like in an emotional, psychological way. Her words could change my day. If I woke up thinking it was going to be hell and she said that no, everything is going to be just fine. Don't focus on the bad things... I swear, it was instantaneous. I actually would try to be a better person everyday just because of her. But sometimes it just wasn't enough.

Yes, we had our own romance. But again, people might feel disappointed, to say the least.
We shared kisses and tighter hugs than the socially acceptable for two girls our age. I guess you could say we were in love... But not in the literal way. Or at least in the literary, romance novels way. We just shared every possible affectionate feeling a person can feel towards another. We loved each other like sisters, cousins, friends, mother and daughter, lovers, fans. That's why five or six years ago it would simply be unimaginable to say we - someday - wouldn't be anything more than strangers who were once close. Like... We were seriously attached at the hip. Never in a gazillion years I would imagine not having her in my life.

My heart still skips a beat everytime I stop to think about us. I know I won't ever have a friend like Selena again. Yes, I do still have best friends. Marissa has been in my life as long as Selena has. But it's just not the same. I love Marissa and I'm thankful for her everyday. But there's a part of my life - the under the spotlight part - that she doesn't know. She doesn't necessarily understand. And I don't even want her to. It's heartwarming the thought of having regular, grounded people like her around me. I need them for a change. With Selena, though... Well, she understood every aspect of my life. She knew me like no one else. Not my mother, not my father, not my sisters, not Marissa - no one.
I don't think I'm capable to pin point when it all started to change. Fall apart, if you will. I don't think she is either. We were both just so busy. Everything was happening way too fast after a certain point. We both started to get a little lost in our own ways.

Though... When I say my heart still skips a beat everytime I think about us... Half of it is because "us" brings back some memories itself. Dark reminders of tougher times in my own personal universe. Little private tragedies. I can't help but associate the memory of her with the memory of the worst years of my life. It's awful and I have to stop myself everytime I do that. But it's a mere reflex. She did help me a lot. I would risk to say that if it wasn't for Selena's occasional intervention in my stupid self destructive little acts and just her presence in my life, the only person I felt like I could really open myself to and share everything with, I would perhaps not be here today. So I am grateful for her. I always will be.

But seeing her ways lately... I don't know her anymore, I don't want to be the one to judge if that's what's best for her life. She's a really smart girl. I don't know if she would ever put her dream in jeopardize just for some publicity... Or whatever. But then again, I don't know Selena anymore. I look at her and I barely see a trace of the girl who used to be my best friend. The most important person in my life. She's so different. Her interests seem to be different. Of course they change with time, but not so drastically. People grow up and mature, even change, yes. But the essence of who you are tends to stay the same, only improved. I'm still the girl with big dreams... Bigger dreams, but they're almost the same, just in a correspondent scale.

Looking from the outside... Hearing, reading and watching everything that's been out about Selena... It pains my heart to realize all I see is a lost girl in a fucked up world. She has a big star best friend now, and an even bigger star boyfriend... But I feel like they will never be enough for her. They might be big artists. But that's not what Selena needs. She needs strong people around her. And I'm in no way saying she's weak... They're the weak ones, in my point of view. Not necessarily in a bad way, though. They're weak compared to her. But there's no use in being strong if you're surrounded by weaker people. They only bring you down.

It's so ironic to think that the troubled half of our friendship - yes, me -, is now the one who's drama free. Selena, on the other hand, is constantly featured in gossip headlines because of her douche of a boyfriend, or because she's just not that good of a singer - even though she still insists on keeping it up -, or because she's starring in a polemic motion picture in an attempt to show people she's all grown up and no longer a dorky Disney kid.

Sometimes I wish I could reach her. Call her and say I'm here if she needs me. Though I truly hope she knows about that without the need of me calling her to say it. But then I think again and I just know we will never be what we once were. Ever again. It's not like we hate or can't bare being around each other. No way. We're just... Strangers. Colleagues, if you will. Apart from being in the industry and having shared around ten years of the most honest friendship I could ever ask for, we don't have anything else in common anymore.

I always thought our friendship was like no other. No one compared to us. We truly were legendary in every way. Unfortunately, though, we ended up as one of those friends... You know, who can't cope with the length of a day without each other and then one of them moves away to another city, state or country? Or you start hanging out with a couple of other people when you're not together and before you realize those are your new found best friends. That other kid was okay but... You're just too different now. Or you go away to different colleges and promise to talk everyday! Which works out for a couple of months, until it starts to get really hectic with school and your only free time is on weekends. But then... You know, there are things you have to do on weekends with your college friends, right? Until you notice it's been two months since the last time you talked...

I'm not saying every friendship ends up like this - even the ones that go through those situations. A lot of friends manage to get past that. I'm saying that Selena and I didn't. Some time along the way, we let ourselves pace opposite paths and let go of each other's hand that we've held for so long.
But, you see... Although they're different from the other, our paths didn't end yet. There's still such a long way to go for both of us. Who knows what's in the end? Maybe, in any given moment, I'll have the opportunity to repay Selena for being my better half for so long. Maybe not. Maybe we'll just have to settle for the memories we created when we'd rather lose a leg than to let go of each other's hands... I'll never forget those. And Selena always will hold a special place in my heart and in my life, no matter what.

Again, though... If five or six years ago someone - anyone - came up to me and said that by 21 years old I would be where I am right now, staring at these amazing people I've admired for the longest time and who inspire me so much while they clap at me as I fulfill one of my dreams - maybe the biggest one -... About to give my acceptance speech for my first Grammy while a big portion of my life goes through my mind in just a matter of seconds... I would most definitely not throw a cheeseburguer at them. Maybe I would say it wasn't going to be so soon... I mean, 21? It would be really presumptuous of me to agree with that. But I would never wave it off.