It's that stinging in your throat, the burning of your eyes as you try not to cry. It's that matter of pride, washing down your cheeks, leaving behind a tear-stained path. That's excatly what Effy Stonem is feeling.
It comes in early, the slamming of the front door, the running quickly to her room, the slamming of her own door, and springing to her bed, laying on her side. She closes her eyes, wishing as she does that she could dissapear somewhere, be in anyone else's situation than hers. She wants to escape, find a way out of this, but there's an ache in her, an ache that tries telling her what to do yet Effy doesn't want to listen. She never wants to listen.
It starts off as a normal day, she's instinctively in class, English, to be exact when she receives a call. She exits the classroom for a second to listen to the call, wondering if it would be Freddy since she hasn't seen him in quite a while. It's not and she realizes it will never be again. Freddy's dead. Freddy's dead, the words repeat themself in her head, she's trying to figure out how to put the two words together, to manage the phrase, to really understand it. She can't seem too.
She can feel herself crying, the water stains from her face dripping onto the tile of the hallway as she bends over, feeling herself almost being sick as she slams her phone shut.
Emptiness. That's all she's feeling as she's driving her car to the hospital, just wanting to see Freddie no matter the cost. He can't be dead, he'll be alive, waiting for her, waiting to hug her, to kiss her once more. Her eyes are blurry and she can barely concentrate on the road. She sniffling and holding back her breakdown because she needs to see him, she needs to know that he's okay, though she's not sure how it will end out.
She's sure he can't be dead though, she's sure of that. Freddie would never leave her, he would never do that to her. He loved her and she loved him. It was complicated, like everything was, but love was love and they sure loved each other.
She parks her car quickly and sprints out of it, running directly to the hospital and yelling at the nurse, asking where he is. The nurse is muttering about how he can't be seen at this moment and that the doctor's have already done what they can and nothing worked. Effy's screaming.
She gets to see his body after a half an hour. It's terrible and Effy screaming and the tears are rolling down faster than ever, the new tears pushing down the old ones, forcing their way out and Effy's not sure if she'll have any tears yet after this.
She falls to the floor and there's that hole in her heart. That lonely, empty hole in her heart she's not sure anyone can mend at this point. She doesn't want to see this. She doesn't want this. She doesn't need this. She was sure she had enough hospital trips, enough with the iv's and the medicine and the nurses and everything. She doesn't need it. She was already screwed up enough from Tony. She doesn't need this from Freddie. She just doesn't.
Anger. The angry tears making their way out of her blue eyes and the slamming, the throwing of things, wanting him to come back because he can't leave her. He can't. He loved her so he can't just leave. Can't leave the planet and leave her there to fend for herself because she's not strong enough for that. She's not strong enough to fend away anything at this point and he's broken her even more and she doesn't deserve it.
She doesn't.
She drinks far too much that night. It's as if drinking the drinks would help her forget about everything. She takes extra drugs too and she wakes up on the floor in her house, hair messy, shirt torn, feeling sick as ever. She doesn't remember the drinking or the drugs. She's trying to forget about Freddie, about everything that happened, but something inside of her can't because that's the way it is. If you want to forget something, your mind just won't let. It's a wonder, isn't it?
The second night, she sleeps sober. She's crying herself to sleep. She eventually falls asleep but wakes up after two hours, looks at the clock which says in big, red letters, 4:21. She sighs to herself and glances out at her window. The feeling of being alone, of not having anyone with you. The feeling that you just might be alone for the rest of your life. The feeling when no one understands what you are going through and how no one could possibly understand what you are going through. It's the ache in her chest and she sits up in her bed, telling herself not to cry anymore or her tears will eventually dry out. She looks out the window again, looking at the street lamp and wishes Freddie were there, standing at the street lamp, smiling at her and yelling, "Hey Eff." But he's not and Effy's completely alone in this big o' world.
She reforms herself. Her hair is in a bun and her name is Elizabeth, no longer recognizes the name Effy. She somehow thinks that if she changes things, her past will magically disappear, which it hasn't yet. She doesn't party anymore and she's quieter, more outspoken at times, which she doesn't seem to mind as much as she used to. She doesn't crave for attention like she used to either, she's different.
She meets Cook on a bench and things are quiet between the two, seeing which one of them say the first word.
"Effy." Cook says first and Elizabeth shakes her head.
"Who's that?" she retorts.
She's not sure if Cook understands at first until he nods his head slightly.
"Right, she's an old friend of mine. You sorta reminded me of her. Anyways, I'm James." He stretches out his hand.
Elizabeth stretches out hers and grabs onto his hand. "I'm Elizabeth. Pleasure to meet you James."
That's where things start.
They happen to talk a lot now, sometimes they sit in silence, grasping each other's hand. They can relate to each other. They both happened to love Freddy. James' love just a little different than Effy's, or Elizabeth.
Sometimes they talk, about how things are going. Family, friends, people, etc. It's amazing how comfortable Elizabeth feels around James, just amazingly comfortable.
She mentions one day, "James, tell me who Effy is."
James nods his head. "Effy was a fit, young beautiful, gorgeous, screwed up girl. She was a heart breaker but goddamn she was gorgeous. My friend, Cook, wanted her bad too but he couldn't get with her because she loved my other friend, Freddy. Cook wasn't too happy with that but after a while he accepted it. You would have liked Effy, I think."
"Why did you accept it?"
"I had too Elizabeth. Had too."
Elizabeth nods her head, wondering what would have happen if Cook had done something, had got in the way of Freddie's and her love more. She wondered what her life would be like if she had chosen Cook instead of Fredie, if Freddie would still be alive or not.
"Elizabeth?" James calls as he knocks on the door, he pushes open the door to find Elizabeth sitting at the table, head resting on her hand crying. She sniffles as he walks in.
" You 'right?"
Elizabeth shakes her head. "It's Effy, my name is Effy."
James nods his head. "You alright Eff?"
Effy shakes her head. "I'm screwed up Cook, entirely off the rails. No one can fix me, that's the problem with everything."
They sit in silence for a while, her head ending up on his shoulder, his shirt now stained with her tears as she cries.
He takes her to the lake, where they sit at the end of the lake, feet dipped in the cold lake. Effy's smiling again, for the first time in a while.
"This is nice." Cook says.
Effy nods her head because something's finally going right in her life. She's not thinking about Freddie or the fact that's he's left her. She's thinking about Cook, she's thinking about how nice it is to be here with him. Freddy hasn't left her mind at all yet, she's healing, though she never thought she would.
She's healing and it's a nice feeling, an extremely, incredible feeling.