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Chapter One: New Beginnings
"I was expecting something like this," Chakwas says. She looks down into her mug, swishes the brown liquid, and downs it in one gulp. "I'm just surprised it wasn't sooner." She gestures at the seat in front of her.
"The mission kept her going," the yeoman says, slipping into the offered chair. "As long as she had people depending on her, she could ignore everything else. Dying, Cerberus, and don't forget about Kaidan. It was years ago for us, but it's only been a few weeks for her."
"It's so easy to forget that she's human too."
"Well, mostly human," Kelly says, and Chakwas glances over at the woman – hero, saviour, champion. But, after all that, just a woman – lying on the bed behind her.
"Human in all the places it matters," Chakwas says, then sighs. "You're right, she's had a lot riding on her shoulders and we've, well we've just stepped back and let her carry it all." They sit in silence for a moment, then Chakwas replaces the mug on the table with a clink. "Still," she says, "I didn't expect her reaction to be so… severe."
"It's classic post-traumatic stress disorder, if that helps."
"She didn't recognise who I was, Kelly. She turned her gun on me, called me a Cerberus traitor, and demanded to know where the control chip was. I don't know what would have happened if Miranda hadn't…"
"She dealt with the situation." Kelly's voice is deliberately calming, and it angers Chakwas. She forces the emotion down, swallows.
"I know, and I'm grateful, but I don't know how long we can keep her sedated like this. We need a plan."
"Well," the yeoman says, and rubs the back of her neck with one hand, "I've looked into her files… Her psychological profile, to be specific."
"Aren't those Alliance classified?"
"Miranda authorised it," says Kelly, ignoring Chakwas' astonished look. "But that's beside the point. Shepard thrives in high pressure situations. It's one of her great strengths. It's how she pulled everyone together during the Skyllian Blitz, and it could help her again now."
"She can't be in high pressure situations forever. Even Shepard needs some down time."
"Yes, but Shepard doesn't exactly seem the counselling type. She needs a way to process everything that has happened using her strengths. We can help her with that."
"How?"
"I've thought about this. If we reconstruct some of her past missions, ask EDI to code in her past companions, it might give her a chance to come to terms with what's happened. We could patch her implants into the simulation system. For her, it would seem as real as life."
"Isn't that cruel? Making her relive everything that traumatised her? Do I need to remind you that she hasn't consented to this?"
"This could help her to come to terms with what has happened, allow her to work through the trauma. She either does it on her own, or with our help."
Chakwas stares at the red-headed woman, whose gaze is not flinching. Behind her, she can feel the presence of the Commander – her strength of will formidable even when unconscious. And, like an oily snake within, she can feel the lingering terror of this morning's episode. The moment when she was staring down the barrel of her Captain's gun.
If it would help, she thinks. But she's being selfish, and she knows it. She wants the real Shepard back. Not this… this… crazy person.
Did she really think that? She knows all about post-traumatic stress disorder, she's seen it happen to far too many soldiers. Why is this one hitting her so hard?
Too much too soon. She puts it away to analyse… later.
"I would insist on being present to monitor her condition," Chakwas says, and Kelly nods as though she is expecting it. The doctor's eyes narrow.
"You've already asked Miranda, haven't you?" Chakwas says mildly.
"She's the one who ordered it, Doctor. That's why I came to speak with you."
Shepard wakes.
She's in bed, and a warm familiar body is lying next to her, one arm thrown over her waist.
For a moment she is confused, then she turns her head to see:
"Kaidan!"
Why is she so relieved to see him?
He stirs at the sound of his name, opens his eyes. "Morning, sunshine," he says, and stretches. "Up and at 'em, I guess. Big day today."
Then she remembers. Today is Virmire; to meet with the Salarian reconnaissance team.
She's out of bed, dressing swiftly, and reaches for the data pad on her desk, flicking to the details of the mission.
Kaidan sits up in bed, the sheet draped around his toned midsection. His hair is sticking up at odd angles, but she doesn't spare a glance.
"Have I ever told you that I love watching you work?" he says with a smile, "Because it's a lucky thing I do."
"This mission could be dangerous," she says, not looking up from the pad. A frown creases her brow and she leans forward on the desk, studying the topography of the planet. "There's plenty of places for ambushes. They could be pinned down when we arrive."
"What makes you think that?" Kaidan asks, standing up and stretching again. The sheet falls away, and he does nothing to hide what it reveals.
"I don't know," she says, glances over, then rubs her forehead with one hand. "Gut feeling, I guess."
"That's what makes you a great Commander." He finds his pants, pulls them, and runs a hand through his short black hair. "I'd better report to the Mess, or people will start talking." He pulls on his shirt, crosses the room, and kisses her cheek. Shepard lowers the datapad and smiles at him.
"See you soon, soldier," she says, and he smiles, snaps her a salute, and leaves her quarters.
"Vitals good, steady," says Chakwas. "Is she in the simulation now?"
Kelly is hunched over on her chair, looking at a graph that has calm, steady waves. "She's in," she says, "Brain function normal."
"What is she seeing?" the Doctor asks.
"She has control over that. The computer will comply with whatever her subconscious desires."
"Is there any way that we can see what she's seeing?"
"There is," says Kelly, and fiddles with the controls on the desk. "… There." An image flickers up onto the screen. A datapad, the topography of Virmire on it.
"Virmire," says Chakwas. "I should have known."
"That's where she lost Lieutenant Alenko, wasn't it?"
"The very same."
"It was a brave decision."
"It was the only decision she could have made. She… well, you already know she had feelings for Alenko."
"But wouldn't that have skewed her towards him?"
"Exactly. And she would never let her judgement be compromised by her emotions."
"So she chose Williams."
Chakwas looks over the monitors at the fresh-faced yeoman. Young. Unscarred. She's never had to make a decision like the one Shepard faced.
The Doctor nods. "She chose Williams," she agrees. And I hope you never have to face the same kind of choice.
"I'm sorry, Kaidan."
It's her voice speaking, but it sounds like a stranger's.
What am I doing? Kaidan, no, no, no…
"I understand, Commander." And in those words she can hear his love, his resignation, his fear.
No, no, no… Not again!
And time…
freezes…
rewinds…
"What the hell are you doing, Williams?" She barks into the mike, her voice angry.
"Making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what. Now go get the lieutenant, and get out of here!"
She's standing on the walkway with Garrus and Tali. One corridor leads back to Kaidan, the other to Williams. The sounds of combat flow through her headset.
"Belay that. We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Williams." Kaidan's voice comes over her headset, breathing hard. He's alive. A flood of relief. And she knows that she can't, she just can't leave him to die. Not again.
A moment.
A decision.
Then –
"Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us on the AA tower."
Kaidan's voice. Reluctant, but understanding. "Yes, Commander. I-''
"You know it's the right choice, L.T," says Williams. And she is being brave, so brave. It breaks her heart.
"I'm sorry," is all she can say. And it doesn't seem nearly enough.
"Wait," says Kelly. "That's not how it happened."
She's looking at a readout, her eyebrows pulled together. "She was meant to relive it, not reinvent it."
"You said she was the one in control," says Chakwas, amusement barely concealed. Just like Shepard to turn the tables, even when she's sedated and unconscious. "Maybe this is what she really needs."
"Maybe we should just pull her out," says Kelly, "This was a bad idea."
"You started this," Chakwas points out. "I say we let it run its course."
"But I don't know what this will do, Doctor."
"So let's find out."
"I can't believe we just left her down there," says Kaidan. He's sitting on the edge of her bed, she's facing him from her chair.
"There was no time," She spreads her hands out, a disarming gesture: Please forgive me. "I couldn't save you both."
"But why me? Why not her?" His face is contorted, pain barely concealed behind lips tight against teeth.
"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I'd never leave you behind. I couldn't. You know that."
"I know, and I am grateful. But Ash died because of me, because of us." His brown eyes are molten liquid, and she's looks away to avoid his gaze.
"I know," she says, quietly. There is no getting around it. He's right. She put her feelings, and their relationship, ahead of all other concerns. Ahead of Ashley. She looks back up at Kaidan, and he's shaking his head, not looking at her.
"I might- I might need some time," he says, stands. He's still avoiding her eyes.
She nods, looks up at him. "So do I," she says, but she isn't sure if she's lying.
"We'll talk later, Shepard."
"Later," she agrees.
When he leaves, she realises that she'll be alone tonight. Without him, her quarters are a cold and sterile place. Strange how she hadn't noticed that before.
But there is paperwork calling her name. And no time to think.
END CHAPTER 1
Author's Note: This is the first chapter of a brand new fic I'm working out. Due to the subject matter, this is a bit AU, and it might be a little OOC but I've tried to keep it in-character as much as possible. Comments and constructive criticism welcome, please read and review! :D