A/N: for many, msny months I had been planning a mass effect parody; at first, I wondered if it should include ponies, or the elder scrolls. After some thinking, I decided to make it a general parody of mass effect, with all sorts of references and it basically is a GMOD video made into a story. I had fun writing it, I hope you enjoy reading it.

C. Sheppard gives a realistic depiction of saving the universe

Plot: the alliance has gotten reports in the outpost colony "skyrillan rim" that they are being attacked by reaper forces; we are sending Sheppard to investigate, and resolve with extreme care.(kill everything) this is the beginning of one wild ride.

Chapter 1: this is my favorite plot on the citadel

"joker! Set a course for the skyrillan verge, admiral Hackett has given us an order to protect the colony!"

the forever alone helmsman stopped staring at EDI's synthetic ass long enough to say "sure commander…just another 10…more…seconds…..HURRG …ok, let's go." EDI looked at him and said "Jeff, you know you can go blind that way."

He put on the most humanly possible trollface and said "then that means you can do that part for me."

Slightly disturbed, the commander stepped out of the cockpit; as he headed back to his cabin, he reviewed what had happened for him so far:

I am commander Sheppard; earth is under attack, the council has a thumb in there ass about helping me, I got garrus back, and he calibrated my toaster…oh, and tali's back, and still happy to have a sincere extra-species relationship. But you know what they say: the more truthful you are, the more hardcore the sex. Funny, it was Cortez who said that.

Ok, that's a nasty thought now.

He looked back up as he past specialist traynor, who turned to him and said "hello commander, how are you doing?" he growled to his self and was just going to walk on by with no questions asked, but then she said "does tali give you good head, or should I take her?"

Sheppard felt a rage that could only be described as a red flashing star, and turned to the specialist and buried his fist 3 times into her forehead; he fell to the ground in a pool of snot and blood, but Sheppard didn't think that was enough. As she tried to get back up saying "I was just joking", he kicked her in the head, and she passed out; presuming she could still hear him, he said "never say ANYTHING about tali….i fucking love her you prick!"

He looked up to see everyone on the CIC staring at him, their jaws hanging. A random black sergeant yelled "FUCK NIGGA!" and jumped out a nearby airlock. Sheppard smiled and said "hi guys….free crack in the ship's bar!" and headed into the elevator. Before the door shut to go to his cabin, 90 percent of the people in the CIC ran into the elevator, and set it to go to the lounge.

(several minutes later…)

After the elevator finally released a group of starved crackheads into the lower deck, he got into his cabin, where he flopped down on his bed, looking outside the window on the roof at the stars. He quickly grew bored because the stars sucked around here, so he explored his room; after the alliance took the Normandy back they cleaned out his cabin of his goodies, such as the explicit vids he and tali made (she named them "fuck and flotilla" as a joke to garrus)(yes, garrus watched them.), and his model ship collection he had spent untold fortunes and time finding. The only good thing they did was remove all the dead fish in his fish tanks; he always forgot to feed the little fucks.

He knew the alliance took his old helmet (the one he died in) at first; he didn't know what happened to it, until his old yeoman with no back story sent him a link to eBay that was selling it for 100,000,000 credits.

He turned his radio on, and expected to here the good ol' music from the Cerberus-issue radio; Instead, it gave some shitty alliance-grade elevator music, complete with a fail rap/dubstep beat channel …he hated this new-ship look. For example, the Cerberus Normandy had uplifting lighting, and was clean and proper; but fuck no! Says the alliance, let's put dangerous wires that have power running through them on the floor, or in my cabin. Let's add a war room UNDER THE REACTOR. Let's put a security station to the CIC, you know, if the collectors that aren't around anymore attack, we can distract them with the scan long enough to fight back! God, fuck you alliance.

He got up and headed to the gun battery; maybe garrus could cheer him up.

(a little bit later…)

Garrus chuckled as he continued "...well, anyway then primarch victus was like THAT'S NO KROGAN! THAT'S MY WIFE! HAHAHAHA!" Sheppard broke out laughing and said "oh god…that was fuckin' funny….no, wait..remember back on illium when we ran into that high volus who swore he was a biotic god?" garrus nodded and said "didn't you, tali, and I get him killed when he attacked that eclipse leader?"

Sheppard laughed and said "yeah! HA! We're going to hell for laughing…." Garrus shrugged and said "hey, my hell is when I can't calibrate a main gun of a star ship for 3 years." A voice behind him said "my hell is stowing away with this bitch on an alliance ship, suck it up vakarian!"

Sheppard turned around to see 2 figured in Cerberus uniforms, as well as unknown bodily fluids . he looked at them and said "mess sergeant Gardner? Yeoman Chambers? HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET HERE!"

The yeoman said "I have no backstory! I love you long ti—WHAP!" she flopped to the ground as Gardner slapped her with his pimp/toilet duty hand and said "well, this bitch said it would be a good idea to stay on and help you, "just like old times"…so she convinced me to stow away in the lower decks…the demeaning part was we had no food, so I had been drinking her breast milk for 6 months. But it was worse for her because of the high-protein diet I gave her. And don't look at me like that, my wife divorced me through the extranet, and the yeoman suggested the protein diet."

The yeoman was muttering "hurt me more…it gives backstory!"

Garrus pulled out a radio and hit the yeoman; he calibrated the radio and then hit her again as Sheppard and the mess sergeant headed out to the kitchen area. Gardener looked at Sheppard and said "well…lemme talk turkey, I quit Cerberus because I'm here. Now, why would you wanna keep me on board? BECAUSE…I can use a gun now!"

Sheppard shrugged and said "uh, ok…you wanna fight with me? Ask me. NOW MAKE ME A SAMICH!" the sergeant slunk away to the kitchen, punching liara out of the way as he passed; as Sheppard was about to head into the elevator, joker yelled over the intercom "commander, before we head to the rim, we are stopping by the citadel to pick up supplies, just so you know. Also, tali wants to speak with you in your cabin, you lucky dog."

Sheppard grumbled; he was happy that tali was coming to his cabin, But was pissed that joker has to use THE SHIP-WIDE INTERCOM to TELL ME.

He shrugged as he headed up to his room.

(later…)

Tali was in pure nerd ecstasy as she finished telling Sheppard of her find "..and I discovered the omni-tool can be used like a vaccum! She took her helmet off, pinned sheppar dto the bed and turned the omni-vaccum on. She smiled at him and said "I discovered it could be used in very kinky ways!"

Sheppard chuckled and said "why don't you give me a reach-around while you're at it?" she smiled and did as he told; Sheppard knew it was going to be a good night.

A/N: this stories name was originally supposed to be "the mass effect scrolls: skyrillan rim" but I wanted it to cover more than that. See, when I got the idea for this story, it was a bit before ME3, and I re-wrote the story after I beat ME3. But, just as a mention, the next chapters in the skyrillan rim will be amazing references. Also, the 1 person who finalized my decision to write this is my buddy codename: one , he hooked me on ME (next to threederp, who loaned me the game) and I figured he should get a good laugh.

Well, review and sub. I really hope you enjoy this.