WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN. Hi. I started writing this years ago, and I touched it all up and decided to post it. So it's an alien invasion story. Yup. You'll have to suspend your disbelief quite a bit, but then... it's Beyblade, as in spinning tops with mythical monsters living inside of them, so I'm not really asking that much of you. Good luck, if you venture on, dear reader. I wish you all the best.
"I must do something," said Prince Esmarelda, the gender-confused royal of the wondrous land of Hunyiok, to his bichon frisé named Idiot (a splendid name for a bichon frisé).
Far, far away, in the mystical land of Bey City, Mr. Dickinson was standing up from his cold, linoleum floor. He reached a trembling hand towards the phone, and dialed four numbers. He told each of those four voices to meet him at his house as soon as possible.
When they stood in his hallway, starting at him questioningly, he said, "I have had the most terrible premonition. And because of it, kids, I have a special assignment for each of you."
"Max, I want you to venture to the wondrous land of Hunyiok and see what the gender confused royal is doing," Mr. Dickinson instructed.
Max saluted and left.
"Tyson, I want you to find Daichi and Hilary and act like the loud mouth that you are to add some comic relief," Mr. Dickinson said strictly.
"Right-o," Tyson said shrilly, walking away.
"Ray, I need you to locate and tame the conspicuous ice-breathing dragon to counteract the effects of global warming," Mr. Dickinson said.
"Okay," Ray said.
"And Kai," Mr. Dickinson began.
"Hn," Kai said, dreading his oncoming task.
"Go take over Canada."
Kai looked at Mr. Dickinson questioningly for a minute, and then stalked off.
Ray was on a perilous journey to locate and tame the noticeable Ice-Breathing dragon. This type of dragon was extremely rare. In fact, there was only one. So Ray had to search every corner, under every rock and basically everywhere.
He marched on, day after day, night after night, singing stupid songs that annoyed just about everyone that he came into contact with. Oh. Here's one now.
"And if I just… hooooold on, if I just hoooold on, I will be soooo strong, if I can just hoooooold on!" Ray sang shrilly and terribly. Birds screeched in horrified disgust. A bear threw his paws over his ears in an attempt to block out the unearthly noise. Ray ignored all of these signs that he was a frightfully bad singer and continued on through whatever woods he was marching through at the time.
Unfortunately for Ray and luckily for every other living being, Ray's throat soon became horrendously soar. He tried to sing but all that came out of his mouth was a loud croak.
Ray decided that he needed his own personal singer.
Ray sought out Ming Ming, the legendary pop singer with a very short dress (which Ray didn't mind at all).
Ming Ming lived in a cave (Ray thought this a little strange) in the middle of the forest surrounding Bey City. When Ray had located her cave, he slowly but surely approached it.
"HIIIII!" shrieked Ming Ming, popping out of nowhere.
"Um, hi," Ray said. "Ming Ming, I need a personal singer, and with you being famous and all, well, here I am. Do you think you could help me?"
But Ming Ming wasn't listening. She was staring in horror at the sky, which had turned purple because of the sunset.
"I - I have to go… um… to my grandmother's house!" Ming Ming shrieked. She then ran back into her cave.
"Your grandmother lives in your cave?" Ray called into the cave loudly.
"Uhhh… No… But I have to get ready!" Ming Ming said.
"Oh, I guess your grandmother doesn't approve of your short dress!" Ray said.
"Actually," Ming Ming began, spinning around to face him again. "SHE doesn't care about my short dress."
"Oh." Ray said stupidly.
"Yeah," answered Ming Ming.
Then Ming Ming shut the cave door with a huge rock. Ray was left outside. It began to rain cats and dogs.
"Um, Ming Ming!" called Ray, as two dogs attacked him. "I don't l-l-l-like d-d-d-d-d-d-d-dogs!"
"Rawr," came her reply.
"Okay, you know what? I'm sorry about insulting your dress. You look completely PG rated in it. Now PLEASE let me in!" Ray begged.
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," came her reply.
"FINE! I'll blade my way in!" With that, Ray launched Driger at the cave door. "DRIGER! ATTACK!"
When Ray had smashed the door to pieces (which is completely wrong. Driger did it and he should get the credit), Ray entered the cave.
"Ming Ming? Sorry about the door!" Ray called.
He heard a noise in the corner. "Ming Mi - AHHHHHHH!"
Meanwhile… Tyson had located Hilary and Daichi. They were at his house!
They sat lazily on the couch, flipping through the channels until they found Days of Our Ridiculous and Far-Fetched Lives.
"Hey guys! I LOVE this show!" Hilary said enthusiastically.
"Not me. I hate Soap Operas. Change it," Tyson whined at Hilary, who held the remote control.
"No way!" yelled Daichi. "I can't wait till I find out what happened to Jessica's evil twin!"
"I know!" said Hilary excitedly. "Did you see last Monday's episode? I can't believe that Bo and Beth are married! And then when Beth's last husband walked in at the end? I mean, the guy fell from a Helicopter into a pool of lava! How do you survive that?"
"That was so weird! I fell off my chair!" Daichi told her.
"Come ooon," Tyson muttered.
"You - you - you - you – I mean, well, you – you – you're – I can't – but you – augh!"
"Can you just spit it the hell out?" Ming Ming said in a deep, scary voice.
"You're the ice-breathing dragon!" Ray yelled.
"That's my name, don't wear it out," Ming Ming sang.
"But this doesn't make sense! You are a person!" Ray said.
"No, only on Saturdays between sunrise and sunset," Ming Ming told him. (...)
"Well… Well… I'm supposed to tame you and bring you to the city so that you can counteract the effects of global warming! Mr. Dickinson told me to himself!" Ray told her.
"Lucky for you, I retain my human mind and I can talk. So let's go, I'll help," Ming Ming said agreeably.
"Uh… okay," Ray said.
"Hey guys, want some yams?" Daichi asked suddenly.
"SURE!" yelled the excitable Tyson, and the two boys tore off to gather them from the yam trees.
Tyson and Daichi gathered as many yams as they could fit into their wicker baskets. They had to climb the yam trees and fight away thorns in order to gather the mysterious fruit.
When they had gathered all of the yams that they could, they rushed back inside to prepare a feast.
The yam tree shuddered.
"What destruction!" came a voice from within the thorns and leaves. "Destruction, I say!"
But Tyson and Daichi were inside stuffing whole yams into their mouths, and they didn't hear.
Max was on his own quest to the land of Hunyiok. He was to spy on the gender confused Prince Esmarelda.
Max had a hard time finding a space ship. People in the yellow pages liked to advertise their own space ships, but in reality they were just crazy people. One guy tried to sell max a little red wagon with wings super-glued to the sides.
Finally, Max found a place called NASA. He tried to tell the people there that he was on a most important quest, but they just laughed.
So Max, dressed all in black, came back during the night with a very smart kid named Kwango. They broke into NASA and hurried to the control center.
"Okay Max," said Kwango. "You go pick a space ship. I'll see you from these screens."
Max hurried off and climbed aboard one.
"Prepare for lift-off!" came Kwango's voice over the intercom.
"10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-"
"Um, Kwango?" Max said. But Kwango couldn't hear him.
"ONE!" yelled Kwango suddenly, and the spaceship was launched into space.
"Well, it's lucky that NASA left a fueled spaceship ready for liftoff lying around in the front yard with no guards there or in the control room!" Max said happily. But would they really do that? Max was confused. "Since when do scientists become so stupid?" He asked himself. "You're right. Someone wants me to be here." Max said thoughtfully.
The journey through space took a couple of minutes. Apparently this was a really fast spaceship too. The ship navigated itself, and Max landed safely on Hunyiok, a barren planet with people dressed colourfully enough to make up for the lack of plant life.
Max got out of the spaceship slowly and looked around. Many Hunyoikians were there to greet him. One came forward.
"I am Princess Bob of Hunyiokia, greetings, Earth person," The Hunyiokian said.
"Are you female or male or are you gender confused?" Max asked hopefully.
"I'm female. Bob stands for Julia," she said.
"Oh," Max said. Julia or Bob had red hair and was very pretty (except for the crusty, scaly arms, of course).
"But my sibling is gender confused." The Princess said. "Come with me, you may meet Esmarelda."
As Max walked with her to the hot pink palace, he said, "I'm Max, by the way."
"Does it stand for anything?" the Princess asked.
"Actually, it stands for Mom is an Absolute Xmoron." Max said.
"Your mom is an Absolute Xmoron?" the Princess asked thoughtfully.
"Well, no, that's what my dad says. He named me." Max told her matter-of-factly.
They reached the palace and climbed the stairs and finally arrived at a strange-looking room. "Esmarelda?" called the Princess.
A strange looking thing came out. The left side of it was female. The left half of its hair was long and styled. There was makeup on the left eye, lipstick on the left half of the lips and blush on the left cheek. Then the left half was wearing a long gown and stiletto heals. But the right side was wearing half of a tuxedo and had short hair at the top of the head.
"This is my sibling, Prince Esmarelda. Sibling, this is Max. He is from Planet Earth," the Princess announced.
"Hi!" Max said brightly, holding out his hand.
Prince Esmarelda frowned and went back inside.
Max let his hand drop to his side.
"So why are you here, Max? Your Earth vessel is the best of its kind, and yet we in Hunyiokia thought that it would take at least decades for Earthlings to find us, or any sign of life. Why Hunyiokia?" The Princess asked.
"I'm actually here to… negotiate," Max said uncomfortably. He hated lying. Especially to a pretty - though crusty, scaly-armed - princess. But he needed further access to the stubborn Hunyiokian gender-confused Esmarelda.
"On Earth matters?" The Princess asked excitedly. "My father will be delighted to discuss with you the most recent political upheavals in the galaxy, and you can tell him everything about Earth –"
"A-actually, I was sent to negotiate with you, and your… sibling…. A marriage to… um… Tyson Granger! He's the… Honorable Dude of Earth who needs a partner and they thought that one of you could be one because we want peace between the planets!" Max said quickly.
The Princess stared at Max.
"O-of course, you'd need to meet him first. Both of you."
"This… 'Tyson' fellow, is he… charming? Is he handsome?" she asked finally.
"Well, I don't know… I've never really assessed him from that perspective. But I like him, if that helps. It couldn't hurt to meet him, could it? You and, um, Esmarelda?" Max said quickly, hoping that she didn't suspect anything.
"Hmmm. I like you, Max of Earth. I trust your judgement. I don't think we need to negotiate this further. I agree! I will marry Tyson Granger, the Honorable Dude from Earth!" Princess Bob said.
"Uhhhh…" Max started.
"Yes, that's settled. The whole population of three hundred million Hunyiokians will venture forth to be at our glorious, inter-planetary wedding! We should leave at once!" She rapped excitedly on Prince Esmarelda's door.
"What?" called Esmarelda.
"I'm getting married! Get packed up, we're going to Earth!"
Max was astounded.
"EVERYONE! PACK UP! WE'RE GOING TO EARTH FOR MY MARRIAGE TO HONORABLE DUDE TYSON GRANGER OF EARTH!" the Princess screamed.
Princess Bob told Max she was going to pack and rushed off, leaving him, speechless, in the hallway with Esmarelda, who had finally opened the door.
Esmarelda looked shrewdly down at Max. "Who did you say this… Tyson… was, exactly?"
"Heee…. Well… he's the Honourable Dude! He's… in charge of… stuff. Mostly just a figure head, though." With that, Max ran away.
An hour later, every Hunyiokian was on board NASA's spaceship and ready to go. Though rather large, most a good two feet taller than your average human, they shrunk themselves down for expedient travel.
Bob and Esmarelda were alone, examining a cupboard full of space food.
"So, who's your Maid of Honour? What about your Best Man?" Esmarelda asked vaguely.
"Be quiet, I have to tell you something," Bob snapped. "I have a plan. With the Honorable Dude at my side, there is no stopping me! I will be all powerful, and with his useful help, I WILL TAKE OVER EARTH! Muah ha ha ha ha!"
"Hmm, good plan. Pass me some space chips," Esmarelda said.
Max leapt out of the spaceship as soon as they touched ground on Tyson's front lawn. He raced inside Tyson's house and grabbed him by the shoulders.
"Whoa, Max, easy, can we talk about this first?" yelped Tyson.
"Tyson! You – are – getting – married – " Max gasped.
"WHAT?" shrieked Daichi and Hilary.
"Huh?" Tyson asked stupidly.
"To – Princess – Bob - I used – it – as – a – cover – story –"
"Honourable Dude Tyson?" called Princess Bob from outside. "But this is most unusual! More often than not political figures are prepared to greet their guests, and that is not even to say that I am your fiancé!"
"Please! I need – I need to stay close to Esmarelda -"
"Max, I'm fourteen! I can't get married!" Tyson hissed, alarmed. In the background, Hilary was seething in anger and Daichi was rolling around, laughing.
"You can… If it's to an alien. I checked on Wikipedia," Max told him, nearly regaining his breath.
"AN ALIEN?" Tyson and Hilary screeched.
"Oh, man, this just gets funnier and funnier!" Daichi gasped.
"TYSON!" screeched Bob from outside. Through the curtained window Max could see all three hundred million Hunyiokians still packed tightly together doing their ceremonial waving welcome dance. Princess Bob and Prince Esmarelda stood front and centre.
"Calm down, sister. He'll come out when he's ready," they heard Esmarelda say from outside.
"Come on," Max said, grabbing Tyson's arm.
"No, no no no no…." Tyson protested.
Hilary grabbed Tyson's other arm and held them back. "No, no no no no no!" She added.
But Daichi pushed all of them, yelling, "Yes, yes yes yes yes!"
They flew out the door and landed in a pile with Daichi standing over them, laughing.
Max leapt up, pulling Tyson with him, and Hilary got up last, growling in fury.
All of their jaws dropped (except Max's).
Well, she was pretty, except for the crusty, scaly arms. But those didn't seem to matter.
"Tyson?" Bob asked, peering at the assembled Bey Bladers.
"Yup, that's me!" said Daichi.
Hilary smashed him on the back of the head.
"I'm Tyson," said Tyson.
"Yeah… um, Princess Julia of Hunyiok, please meet your new… um… it's not official yet but your soon-to-be fiancé, Tyson Granger, Honorable Dude of Earth!" Max said loudly.
"Hilary!" Tyson snatched something from Hilary's hand. "Princess Julia, or Bob," Tyson got down on one knee. "Will you do me the immense honour of becoming my wife?"
Hilary, Daichi and Max stood speechless.
"Well, of course!" Princess Bob said happily. Tyson put Hilary's plastic heart ring on Bob's scaly finger.
Hilary fell over. Max smacked himself in the head. Daichi took a slow bite of a yam.
Kai was wandering through the dense forests of the desert and suddenly fell into a hole.
When finally he landed, he was greeted by people crowding over his crumpled figure. He raised an aching hand to shield his eyes from the bright sunlight.
"He shall lead Canada!" yelled a man.
"Yes, he who falls through the hole is destined to rule Canada!" a woman agreed.
"Let all worship the hole-faller-througher-thingamajig." All assembled chanted.
"That was fast." Kai muttered.
"He speaks!" said a woman in awe.
"Let all listen to the words that come from his mouth!" yelled a man.
There was silence. Kai stared at the eager faces.
Crickets chirped.
"Shut up, damned crickets!" shrieked a man.
"Um, bring me some grapes?" Kai asked.
People jostled their way towards the nearest grapes.
The Hunyiokians and Tyson, Max, Diachi, Hilary and Grandpa sat down to discuss the wedding.
"I think it should be tomorrow!" suggested Princess Julia as she fluttered her eyelashes at Tyson.
Hilary made a noise in her throat that sounded a lot like a furious tiger.
"AHH!" shrieked Diachi, looking wildly around. He had had a terrible encounter with a tiger a few years back.
"It can't be tomorrow, Bobi!" squeaked Princess Julia and Prince Esmeralda's mother, Queen Makamakamoop.
"Your mother is right," boomed King Kruck. "How about the day after tomorrow?"
"Sounds exasperating," said Tyson dreamily, gazing at Princess Julia.
"He means okay," said Max quickly. Hilary smashed her fist on the table.
"You earth people can choose the wedding party as long as Prince Esmeralda gets to be the Best Maid Thing and we can start the ceremony with the sacrificing of twenty virgins of Princess Julia's choice." Queen Makamakamoop said.
Max, Hilary, Daichi and Grandpa stared at her in horror.
"It's settled then." The Queen said. With that, the Hunyoikians left the Grangers' kitchen and went to their spaceship for the night.
"Bye, Tyson!" sighed Princess Julia.
Tyson was about to make a stupid dreamy comment that I would have had a hard time writing, but Hilary slammed the door on the Princess' face.
"HOW COULD YOU EVER ASK A WITCH LIKE THAT TO MARRY YOU? AND HOW COULD YOU EVER COME UP WITH SUCH A DIM-WITTED PLAN?" screamed Hilary at Tyson and Max.
Tyson was in a daze, but Max stared at Hilary.
"I thought it was a pretty good plan, all things considered. It's working so far, and it really shouldn't be," Max told her.
"IT'S A TERRIBLE PLAN!" Hilary yelled. She stormed out of the kitchen and slammed her door.
"Why do you have your own door here? Hilary, please get out of my life until you become more pleasant," Tyson called cheerfully, and she roared in response. Tyson stood and, whistling, went into the backyard to practice blading. And to catch another glimpse of Princess Bob.
"What was that about?" asked Max cluelessly.
"I think she likes Tyson," said Daichi with a surprising amount of insight.
"Oooookay, Daichi, I can see that someone's on his happy pills." Max laughed.
"Are you sure it's such a crazy idea, buddy?" Daichi asked.
Max stared at him disbelievingly. "She… Hilary hates Tyson," he said uncertainly.
"Hey, think what you want. It doesn't change the fact that she likes him." Daichi sang as he launched himself on the couch. He flipped on the TV and Max sat down slowly beside him, drifting deep into thought.
"This is excellent!" Princess Bob exclaimed. Prince Esmarelda hummed a tune, listening to her rant and rave. They were back in their spaceship, and their parents had gone to get inebriated and plan some more with the official royal wedding planner.
"The Honourable Dude is simply wonderful. I shall have no problem manipulating him since he's so taken with my perfection. And once I have his power in my elegant hands, I shall RULE THE WORLD! MUAH HA HA HA HA!"
"I feel like I should say something clever and astute," mumbled Prince Esmarelda.
"Brosister, can't you feel the impending triumph? The glory, the power, oh, the ultimate power!" cried Bob.
"You know what I don't understand?" remarked Esmarelda absent-mindedly. "Why does the all-powerful Honourable Dude of Earth live in a little bungalow without servants, guards or advanced communications technology?"
"Who cares? It's probably just some strange Earth custom." Bob said with an impatient flick of her hand.
"Maybe you should just forget your plan and try taking over a world that doesn't have ineffective teenage diplomats as the norm," Esmarelda recommended.
"Oh, be quiet, you," said Bob. She sighed contentedly. "This is most definitely the best situation we could ever be in. We can have power over a planet without Mom and Dad constantly breathing down our necks. I can do this all on my own, and we'll be better off for it. Why can't you see that?"
Prince Esmarelda shrugged and left her alone to brood.
"Princess Julia is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life." Tyson stated, eggs falling from his mouth willy-nilly. His feet were crossed on the table and his hands were behind his head. He was leaning so that the chair he sat on was perched precariously on two legs, wobbling dangerously every now and then.
"Hmph," Hilary scoffed. "Did you see those arms? How awful. There's someone who is in serious need of moisturizer."
"Guys, shut up, I'm trying to figure out what to do," Max complained. "Maybe you can put your loud mouths to good use and help me with what I'm supposed to do with Prince Esmarelda."
"It's quite simple." Tyson said airily. "First, come on to him so you can determine whether he likes guys. Then, if you're comfortable with your identity as bi-curious, get him into bed and figure out what he is."
"That's not quite what I was talking about," Max sighed.
"Tyson, how can you be such a jerk?" Hilary shrilled.
"What? If you're not supposed to figure out what gender the person is, then what are you supposed to do?" Tyson asked defensively.
"How should I know?" Max muttered.
Hilary scooped some more eggs onto Max's plate and patted him on the head. "You'll get it, Max. Don't worry."
She then turned her flaming eyes on Tyson and whipped the contents of the large bowl at Tyson's head.
"What the HELL?" Tyson yelped as his chair came crashing to the ground.
Hilary turned up her nose and stomped off.
"I'm off too," Max told Tyson absent-mindedly. And with that, he left Tyson completely tangled up on the ground.
Max wandered outside and almost immediately wished that he had eaten the extra scrambled eggs Hilary gave him. He was starving, despite all of the eggs he had already eaten. Shaking his head to try and remove the voice that called, "Eat, eeeat, eeeeeeeeat!" Max headed silently towards the Hunyiokian spaceship.
He realized that a fleet had arrived during the night, carrying what he supposed was the remainder of the planet's contents. But as he watched, he noticed that many ships were carrying clothing items, jewelry, and various other vanity items.
"Unloading the Princess' belongings!" called one large Hunyiokian from atop a pile of grapefruit-sized rubies.
Max ducked behind some of Grandpa's shrubberies. He weaved through until he approached the spaceship he had stolen from NASA and waited a safe distance away. Eventually he caught sight of the royal siblings.
"Hey!" shrieked Princess Bob to some workers loading her clothes into jewel-encrusted dressers. "Be careful with those!"
"Calm down, Jules. They know what they're doing," Prince Esmarelda said soothingly.
The pair walked on, the Prince trying to keep the Princess composed. "I'm sorry, I just – I'm so nervous! I hear Earth weddings are so different from ours… What if I make a complete fool of myself?"
"Why do you care? You are Hunyiokian. You are entitled to a Hunyiokian wedding," Prince Esmarelda told her unconcernedly.
"I don't want these Earthlings talking badly about me behind my back," Princess Bob muttered.
"That's understandable," Prince Esmarelda replied.
"I want them to say whatever it is to my face so I can rip them limb from limb!" she shrieked. As she yelled the last word some yam trees about her burst into angry flames as a bright white laser beamed from her eyes.
Max, who had taken refuge behind one unfortunate yam tree, stood out in the open.
"Max!" Princess Bob yelped in surprise.
"Hello, Max," Prince Esmarelda yawned.
"Uh… G-good morning, Your Majesties!" Max spluttered. "Did you sleep well?"
Princess Bob's smile appeared instantly to replace her startled expression. "Yes, we did, so wonderful of you to ask, Max. But don't sneak up on us like that! You scared us half to death."
"Yeah, half to death," Prince Esmarelda agreed, staring quite far to the left of where Max was standing. "Sister, I'll leave you with the ambassador, surely you have things to discuss."
"Oh, no, please, wait!" cried Max desperately, staring in alarm at the Princess.
"I couldn't possibly intrude. I shall see you at breakfast," s/he said. S/he nodded to Princess Bob. "Sister."
"Sibling," Bob replied with a dazzling smile.
S/he walked away. Max gulped and tried bravely to smile at Bob. Her smile was much more natural. She said, "I am not sure about Earth customs, Max, but in Hunyiokia, the groom is not to see the bride for a whole day before the wedding."
"Uh, well, we have something like that on Earth." Max was grateful to focus on something other than the strange gleam in the Princess' eyes. "But here, it's only when the bride is in her wedding dress."
"How unusual," Bob remarked.
"Of course, since you are the bride, we will accommodate you completely. Tyson won't attend the breakfast banquet. In fact, he has already eaten," Max told her.
"My thanks to you, Max." Her smile seemed to be twice as dazzling as she added, "Tyson is truly a remarkable Earthling, isn't he?"
"That's one way of putting it." Max muttered. "Now, why don't I, uh, escort you to the banquet?" He felt that being excessively nice to the Bob would help his chances of surviving around her.
"How generous!" Princess Bob exclaimed happily and took his arm.
Prince Esmarelda watched the pair leave from behind a quivering young yam tree. When they had gone, s/he touched the tree and asked in a deep, powerful voice, "What is it that troubles you?"
"Prince Esmarelda!" cried small voices from within the tree. The cry turned from joyful recognition to despair. "You have brought evil to our planet! The Hunyiokians!"
The Prince of Hunyiokia nodded and listened patiently as the voices of the yam trees talked to him/her.
Kai sat upon his throne in Canada watching the news and munching on grapes. The Canadians gathered about him, bowing repeatedly and singing his praises.
"Rumors are growing that in Bey City aliens have made contact with humans," the newscaster said. "It is still unknown whether the aliens are thought to be friendly or hostile…"
Kai leapt from his throne as he watched a soundless, bad-quality video of Max leading a number of strangely-dressed people, one of them a beautiful girl with crusty, scaly arms. "That's… Max!" he exclaimed. "Max brought the Hunyiokians to Earth!"
"Yes, Oh Great One!' a Canadian woman cried. "The Hunyiokians are destined to bring extreme destruction to Earth and leave it smoking, unless a band of remarkable people, the leader of Canada included, stops them. It's all on this tapestry over here."
"What do you mean?" Kai asked, eyes wide. He studied the tapestry as the woman spoke again.
"The Hunyiokians are a race of evil aliens who enjoy taking other planets over by destroying air supplies and the like and forcing races to become slaves in exchange for their survival. In fact, Earth is the only planet left for them to take over in the Milky Way," a Canadian man said now. "Earth has kept them at bay by the power of the yam trees, but as of late the deforestation on this planet occurring in order to feed the mass amount of cows that are then slaughtered and fed to people who then grow to three times their average size and die of heart attacks while thousands of others starve to death and the rainforests diminish and animals go extinct has caused the yam trees to be less numerous. Therefore, it has always been predicted that (1) the leader of Canada would fall through this hole and (2) the leader would lead us newly environmentally-conscious Canadians to battle with the Hunyiokians in order to save Earth and all of humanity."
"Holy shit," Kai said.
Everyone except Tyson sat down to the Banquet feast. Max was seated in a place of honour, to the right of the bride. Hilary sat right across from her, and fixed her with a death stare. Daichi sat beside Hilary and stared at the Princess, drooling.
But Prince Esmarelda, who was still talking to the yam trees, had not taken his/her seat on the left of the bride.
"Where is s/he?" the Princess fretted. "I shall not dine without my dear sibling."
"Ezzie? Ezzie!" called Queen Makamakamoop.
But still s/he did not hear, and did not yield to his/her family's demands. And that is when Tyson finally untangled himself and rushed to take the royal prince(ess)'s seat.
The Hunyiokians gasped, horrified.
"Tyson! You're not supposed to see her for one whole day before the wedding!" Max yelped, jumping to his feet.
"Oh, whoops. Mmm, are those pistachios?"
Princess Bob stared at him for a moment, and Max was sure she'd figure something out, but then she said, "No, no, we shall do this the Earth way. You can see me until I robe myself in my wedding gown."
"Oh, cool," Tyson drooled. Max rolled his eyes.
"This way, we can bring our plans together. I have selected twenty virgins to sacrifice from my own maidens, but I suppose I shall need at least one Earthling, yes?"
"Oh, actually, on Earth it's… frowned upon… to sacrifice people," Max told her weakly.
The Princess's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Is it? And what will these Earthlings say about me if I stay true to my custom, my culture, and my religion?"
"They won't say anything, they'll just frown," said Tyson stupidly through a mouthful of pistachios.
Princess Bob looked at him sharply.
"It's okay, Princess Bob. We'll accommodate your every need. We wish to make you feel more comfortable here," Max sighed.
"Excellent," she said, satisfied. "I shall excuse one of my virgins and replace her with one from Earth…" she gazed around, apparently searching for one, and then her eyes fell on Hilary.
"You, Earth Girl. You are quite young. Perhaps I will –"
"You can't sacrifice Hilary!" said Tyson, surprised. Max's eyes were wide, and Daichi was looking from Hilary to the Princess in astonishment. Hilary's jaw had fallen open, and in her fury she was speechless.
"Why not?" Princess Bob asked sweetly, equally surprised.
"Because, she's… she's…" Max tried, searching in vain for an end to his sentence, as Diachi mindlessly flapped his arms.
"Because she's not a virgin," Tyson said airily, swallowing his pistachios.
"Huh?" the present Bladebreakers yelped together.
"Yeah, Kai told me all about it. Hilary, you vixen," Tyson said, grinning at her.
Hilary's speech was rapidly returning to her, so Max stuffed a loaf of bread into her open mouth.
"Oh, and Ray, and Tala, and… Mariah… who else… oh, right, Dunga for sure, and Zeo once or twice…" Tyson chirped merrily.
"Well then, in that case, I shall just use my Hunyiokian twenty virgins, shall I?" said Princess Bob, shocked, and gazing furtively at Hilary, who still had a hefty loaf of bread sticking partially out of her mouth… it was quite a sight.
Later that night, Max planned Tyson's bachelor party, all the while begging his mind to come up with a solution that did not involve Tyson actually marrying that beast of a girl… but she was so beautiful. How could someone that pretty be so evil?
Tyson was having a grand time. He drank plenty of non-alcoholic drinks but somehow managed to get quite drunk anyway, and when a stripper, who Daichi had ordered as a joke, arrived, they all blanched to see that it was Mariah. And that is when Ray arrived, tugging Ming Ming the Dragon after him.
"What the yam tree?" Daichi and Tyson said together, which was far more innocent than what Ray had to say upon seeing Mariah in a most compromising position.
So Ray explained, once they had kicked Mariah out, what had occurred on his journey, and Max explained quickly and ashamedly about his mishaps on the planet of Hunyiok.
"Wow, congratulations, Tyson," Ray said seriously, but something on Max's face told him that perhaps things were not so happy as they seemed.
"Oh, and if anyone asks, you and Hilary got up to some mischief," Tyson said by way of a reply.
"Heh?" Ray asked.
And the next morning, Tyson and Princess Bob were wed.
It happened like this: Princess Bob's twenty virgins were marched out in scandalous costumes, and then was led in a monstrous Hunyiokian lion, who ate them all up within seconds.
The Earthlings watching the ceremony (Grandpa, Daichi, Hilary, Max, Ray, and Ming Ming) looked on in horror. Even Tyson, who stood at the end of a rose-strewn walkway with a Hunyiok Priestess and Prince Esmarelda, grinning stupidly, came out of his stupor to be sick.
The Hunyiokians, however, applauded gracefully as the lion walked off into the Earth forest, forever quenched of hunger, to live on happily.
Then Princess Bob arrived, arm in arm with her parents, dressed in a beauteous feathered gown of all colours, and her crusty, scaly arms seemed more inconspicuous than they had ever seemed. She smiled prettily as her parents gave her away, and the Priestess began her ceremony.
After the ceremony, they feasted out in the sunshine from lunch until well past midnight, and then they danced to strange Hunyiokian music.
"Perhaps we won't take over this planet, Makamakamoop, they seem pretty docile anyway. We should just leave them in the capable hands of our daughter," King Kruck said lovingly to his wife.
"Perhaps you're right, Kruckie, but I should like to stay a while longer with my daughter, just to ensure her happiness and the completeness of her rule here," she replied.
"Of course, dear." And then they swayed to the hypnotic music.
The Earthlings, who were not accustomed to the Hunyiokian music, fell swiftly into a trance. "Maaaaaaaaax," Hilary said drunkenly (for she was drunk, and also hypnotized), "Tyson never listed you, did he?"
Max giggled stupidly as she pulled him nearer. "Not yet, anyway," she said seductively. Ray, being catish, was not so easily hypnotized, and quickly stepped in to put an end to that.
Tyson was already so far-gone that by the time the music played, there was no saving him. Princess Bob and he departed to cheers, and none of the Earthlings noticed.
The next morning, the Earthlings woke with terrible headaches. Tyson was on the floor, and Princess Bob was nowhere to be found. Shrugging, but slightly worried, he found his way to the kitchen, managing to hit his head on every wall that he passed. His friends were already seated at the table eating the first thing they could grab from the fridge.
Hilary was in the worst state of them all, and she was barely eating. She met no other's eyes. Ming Ming lay curled up on the floor in her ice dragon form, very majestically, thought Ray. Max was devastated. He had failed. Prince Esmarelda would leave in two days' time with the rest of his/her planet, and why should he believe that in two days he would discover what he, up till now, had not?
Where were the Hunyiokians, anyway?
"So," said Ray, breaking the silence, looking at Tyson warily, "How was… last night?"
"Uh…" Tyson muttered, not taking his eyes off of his plate, "I… I'm not sure. I don't remember much after the feast."
"Me either," said Max, and Ray looked between him and Hilary questioningly, but it seemed she had no inkling of what had almost gone on either.
"They turned on the music and kapoof. Nothing," Daichi said bitterly, gesturing to his brain.
And so the Bladebreakers finished their breakfast in dismal silence, and then all headed outside together.
What they saw was utter chaos.
Journalists from all over the world were piled on top of each other on Tyson's front lawn, and Princess Bob, along with the King and Queen her parents, stood at a podium and spoke.
"And so, as the Honourable Dudette of your planet, I shall now require that you all bow to me. With my husband, your HD Tyson, by my side, I shall rule this planet and it shall never, as long as you are my loyal subjects, be invaded by the Hunyiok Army!" she bellowed.
The Bladebreakers' jaws dropped.
"Now, go back to your Earthly lands and cut down all of your trees. Bring them to me, along with every animal, and every lowly life form you can find, and we shall burn them as a symbol of my ultimate power!"
There was stunned silence, and then one reporter piped up, "Uh, if there are no trees, how are we supposed to breath?"
Princess Bob laughed as if it was the stupidest question in the world. "You will have all the riches you want, I shall provide them when you bring these ungodly things to me to destroy. What more can you need than that?"
The journalists looked from one to the other, and then nodded intelligently as if this answer were the most sensible thing anyone had ever said.
"Depart! Depart, my Earthlings! We shall prosper together! Ah, there you are, husband! Is this not magnificent?" She gestured with a wide grin to the journalists who went skipping off to do as she bid.
"Uh, no," all the Bladebreakers said together.
"What? Why not?" she asked.
"Because… because… well, because!" Tyson yelped, "You can't just destroy earth! That's not what being the Honourable Dudette is about! You have to rid the world of corruption, you have to inspire and empower people, and children especially, and you have to fight for the good always! And you have to do all of this by beyblading!"
Such an inspired speech had never been uttered through Tyson's lips before, but the Princess was not moved.
"That is the single most ridiculous thing I have ever heard, which is saying much, because I've been listening to you talk for a good two and a half days."
Tyson, whose ego knew no bounds, was stung. He looked at his shoes and said no more. Daichi, Hilary and Ray looked at him, and Ming Ming growled. So Hilary stepped up.
"All right, alien bitch, listen up. If you think you can just take over this planet, you are wrong. You'll have to deal with all of us!"
"Okay, fine. Lock the lot up, except for my dear husband. Tomorrow we shall execute them all, staring with this extremely sexually active shrew," Princess Bob said.
So Hilary, Ray, Ming Ming and Daichi were locked away, all fuming. But where was Max?
Kai was in a nearby bar, seated with all of his Canadian minions, watching a tiny TV, when the news came on.
"The esteemed Princess Julia of Hunyiok, who yesterday wed Honourable Dude Tyson Granger of Earth, has declared that all trees, animals and plant life be brought to her to be destroyed. So get out there and rip it all down, people! She's gonna pay us for it, and what more can you want than money?" asked the newscaster excitedly.
Kai, who had spat out his drink and spluttered for a while when he heard that Tyson had married the Hunyiok Princess, frowned hugely with his Canadian minions.
"Don't worry, O Leader of Canada! We'll get her yet!" one of them called over his beer.
"Cha, mon. We'll get them all!" agreed another.
"Yeeeeee haw!"
"Yeah, we'll burn them like we burned the White House!"
"Um, actually, guys, that was the British."
"Fiiiiiiine, we'll burn them like the British burned the White House!"
"Okay, can we stop this now and keep travelling?" Kai asked, always the party pooper.
"I promise you, O Wise Ones, that I will put a stop to it. I won't let it happen!" Prince Esmarelda hissed into the branches of the yam tree.
"It happens already! I fear you will not be able to stop it!"
"You must depart, My Prince, you must depart and warn another world, save another world, and leave us! We will do as we can!"
"I will not leave you!" s/he said firmly.
"What are you doing?" asked Max, thoroughly startling a royal Hunyiokian for the second time, which is not an easy thing to do once.
"Er, well, um, you see, I was just… did you like the party last night? You almost made it with that pretty brunette, but then your cat friend stopped you two…. So did you have a good time anyway?" s/he asked nervously, stepping away from the yams.
"Huh? No, wait. I saw you! You're talking to those yams, you're plotting with them! What are you going to do?" Max asked furiously.
"Me, talking to yam trees? What nonsense," s/he replied fretfully.
"You were, I saw you! You're going to help your sister destroy this planet, aren't you?" Max accused.
"Oh, you know about that, do you? Perhaps you're smarter than you look."
"All right, that's it! What are you planning?" With this, Max seized the gender-confused royal by the front of his/her blouse/jacket, and held him/her fast.
Esmarelda sighed, and said, "I'm not planning with my sister. In fact, I'm planning against her. I've always been confused on Hunyiokia. Everything there is so different. We're barbarians! I never knew my place, until we all travelled to a new planet. Everyone there was so peaceful, and they had nature and wildlife. I felt as if I had arrived home! And what's more, the nature there was in direct contact with plants and animals of other planets, and I could speak with any of them if I liked!"
His/her nostalgic smile faded away. "But then I learned what our motives were. We were to completely destroy the planet and all of its nature, because my parents wanted to be all-powerful! And if the plants on that planet knew of our treachery, they would contact all the other planets, and all would join together to defeat us!
"I stole a bichon frises from that land where apparently bichon frises abound, and begged my family to let me keep him alive. They named him 'Idiot,' in their distaste, but they agreed. So with his help I contacted all wildlife, and tried to warn other planets.
"But the people of those planets were so out of touch with their plant and animal life that they did not listen to the warnings, and then one by one, the Hunyiokians invaded and destroyed.
"I feared it would be no different on earth, and find it to be even worse. The other planets' inhabitants put up a fight at least, but yours gladly does my sister's bidding. The yam trees, being so wise, have tried to warn you, and yet all you do is eat of their fruit and not listen to them when they talk of destruction. And now, it is too late."
Max stared at Esmarelda for a long time, and then decided that s/he was telling the truth. Max released him/her, and then said, "No, it isn't. It can't be. With Tyson's help –"
"Tyson! The yams tell me he is the most insufferable buffoon on Earth!" Prince Esmarelda laughed.
"Well, yes, he is, but he's also very talented. You'd be surprised. All I know is: we can do anything with him on our side." Esmarelda still seemed skeptical, but s/he smiled at Max, and a tiny bit of hope shone through. "Now," Max said, as they set off together, "what were you saying about Hilary?"
"I think this is quite the most charming little prison cell I've ever seen. I do hope you are all getting along," taunted Princess Bob, the Honourable Dudette of Earth. She was gazing down at the pitiful figures of Grandpa (who had fought bravely to set them free, but in the end was overcome), Hilary, Daichi, Ray, and Ming Ming, laying at the bottom of a terrible pit. Tyson stood beside her, not looking at any of them, still feeling quite sorry for himself.
"Tomorrow draws ever nearer. Husband, I will leave you to say your goodbyes. I must prepare the fire pit! These will be the first to be thrown in!" she cackled and left.
"Tyson, snap out of it! Find some way to let us out!" Ray yelled.
"I can't. She's too powerful. There's no stopping her," Tyson said, dejected.
"For God's sake!" Hilary snapped, "What's the matter with you? Just because she thinks you're stupid… I mean, we ALL think you're stupid!"
"I thought she was amazing. I thought she understood me, but that whole time she was just laughing at me in her head. And then last night –"
"Who cares? We'll get her back! We'll show her! Now get us out of here!" bellowed Daichi, pounding the wall for effect.
"I'm sorry. It's impossible." Tyson didn't look at any of them at all as he left the prison.
"So you're just going to let us die?" shrieked Hilary at his retreating back. He did not answer.
The defeated group stared at each other in silence. "Hey. Where the hell is Max?" asked Daichi suddenly.
Tyson strolled through his grandpa's gardens sorrowfully, feeling worse than he had ever felt. He had stupidly enabled that witch to destroy the world. And now all of his friends would be executed. What an idiot he had been.
"Pssst. Tyson."
He started and looked around. He could see nothing.
"Over here."
"I know that voice," Tyson muttered stupidly. And then he found himself face to face with none other than Kai.
He was smeared, head to toe, with red and white camouflage that was strangely effective, and behind him stood a score of similarly clad people. He wore a crown of maple leaves.
"Huh?" was all Tyson could manage.
"I'm the leader of Canada," Kai said by way of an explanation. "Listen, I'm here to help get rid of the Hunyioks. If you continue to pretend that you're an idiot, which shouldn't be too hard for you, the Canadians and I can begin to plan our attack strategy."
"Kai, that is the most I've heard you say ever," was Tyson's reply. Kai looked at him for a moment.
"Did you hear anything I just said? What's wrong with you? That's the most important thing you could have heard right now and you want to talk about my social skills? God! Get lost and do what I told you to do."
So Tyson stumbled off, looking back at Kai in confusion. Kai went straight into the prison.
"Kai?" the prisoners all said together, except grandpa, who said, "Tall dude who never talks?"
"Yes, it's me," he replied.
The prisoners all started talking at once, and Daichi was yelling incoherently in jubilation. Kai held out his hands for silence. "Wait. I can only free Ray and Ming Ming, and the rest of you have to pretend like they're still here. Ray, you take Ming Ming out into the world, and Ming Ming, freeze everyone so that they can't cut down all of the trees. This way, we'll be able to take our time defeating the Hunyioks without worrying about the planet."
Grandpa, Hilary, Daichi, Ray, and Ming Ming were silent for a moment, and then Ray said, "Wow, Kai, that's the most I've ever heard you say at once."
Kai looked ready to burst with anger, but he said nothing. Instead, he threw a rope for Ray to climb out with, and Ming Ming simply spread her wings and flew.
"Well, I'm glad you can do that," Daichi yelled after her sarcastically, "it sure was nice of you to think of that BEFORE Kai showed up with his ingenious plan."
"Good luck. Don't worry, we will free you, sometime either before or after your execution," Kai said as he left.
"This sucks," was all that Daichi could manage.
Ray and Ming Ming soared joyfully through the sky, freezing hapless people as they went, laughing and singing horribly together.
"Ice, ice, baby!" they roared as Ming Ming flew over cities, countries, continents, oceans, and then all the way into space.
"Can't – breath – vacuum – sucking – out – innards – help –" Ray gasped, so Ming Ming reluctantly flew back into Earth's atmosphere.
"Here, Max!" yelled Prince Esmarelda, and Max and s/he abruptly stopped running. They crouched within Tyson's house behind the TV and waited.
"Where is that idiot husband of mine?" Princess Bob was storming around furiously, ordering about her Hunyiokian servants and rubbing her hands together. "I need him to address the people. They are taking too long to carry out my orders!"
Max and Prince Esmarelda looked at each other sideways, since they didn't know that about Kai's plan. Soon enough the Princess had stomped from the room, her cowering servants following her nervously, and Max and the Prince emerged.
"Here, Idiot, here, boy," called Prince Esmarelda softly. Tail wagging, in came Idiot the Bichon Frisé. "Idiot," began Prince Esmarelda, "I need you to contact someone for me."
Hilary and Daichi sat morosely in the cell, having been abandoned by all others.
"Hey," began Daichi, "where the hell is grandpa?"
"Hey there, dude!" hissed a voice in Tyson's ear. He stood in his backyard beside Julia, who was dripping with charm, as they met with many leaders from around the world. He leapt two feet in the air at the sound, though, and Julia berated him.
When she was back to wooing the idiotic politicians, Tyson turned his head slightly, and stared straight into the eyes of his grandfather.
"Grandpa?" he hissed, unbelieving. "What – how – why are you here?"
"Me? Oh, I got myself out of that mess easy enough. I think it's about time you stood up for yourself too."
"Kai told me to pretend to be an idiot," Tyson said irritably.
"Well, pretending to be an idiot is a fine plan, but not if you're actually being an idiot. Smarten up, stand straight, and do this thing."
As grandpa disappeared into the garden to join Kai's Canadian minions, Tyson did stand up a little bit straighter. And he too turned on the charm.
"Yes, Mr. President, I was quite astounded when I heard of dear Julia's plot. It is her intelligence that made me want to marry her… but just look at her. She's a sight, isn't she?" Tyson said, imitating the thousands of stupid sports reporters he'd been interviewed by in the past.
"That she is!" agreed the stupid President, and joking and laughing like buffoons, they had negotiated half of the world and most of the life on Earth betwixt them within five minutes. Princess Bob stared at him as though she'd never seen him before.
"What's gotten in to you?" she hissed as they left the smiling president to imagine his profits.
"I'm doing what you told me to do," he replied snappily. "Would you rather I just stand there like a prop or would you like me to use the stupidity I have to negotiate these morons?"
She glared at him. "Fine. Negotiate them. But don't forget who's running the show here."
"No, dearest, I'm well aware that this is hell, and I shall never forget who rules over it."
She seized his arm and dragged him into the bushes. "Don't you use that tone with me, idiot boy, without me you'd still be a dimwit politician without any real power."
"Hmm, well, I guess you said it, although the title, 'Honourable Dude' is a fake one Max made up, so unless you'd like me to announce the truth and remove both of us from our duties, I suggest you start treating me with a little decency as well."
Princess Bob's eyes burst into white flame. "WHAT?"
"Hush now, you don't want an end to your power, do you? Those dumb politicians believed it just like you, so you just shut up and I'll let them go on believing it, and then your job is easier. You won't have to rely on mommy and daddy to take over the world for you."
"Tyson Granger, you made me believe that you were an idiot."
"Oh, I am an idiot, but I'm an idiot who hates you, and I'm an idiot who has no power, and I'm an idiot who you married of your own free will. So who's the REAL idiot here?"
They stared at each other for a long time, but something in the Princess's frosty demeanor seemed to melt a little bit. Discovering the spunk in Tyson had quite changed her opinion of him. Perhaps he was a good choice in husbands, even if he wasn't as stupid as she thought he was.
"Fine. I'll play along, you play along, and we'll have all the power on Earth. But cross me, and so help me I'll –" she began.
"If you do it, I'll give the game away, and you'll be ruined," Tyson replied swiftly.
"Well, I CAN KILL YOU!"
Again they stared at each other. And Tyson, as I'm sure you know, has a little thing for assertive girls.
"Fine –" it was Tyson's turn to reply like so – "we'll go along with it. Both of us. Until we suffocate from lack of air."
"Only you will suffocate, dear one. I breathe carbon dioxide, myself."
"Fine. We'll both play along until I suffocate and I'll be sure to take you with me."
"Oh, we'll just see about that."
"Yes we will."
And that was when they began making out.
Kai was sneaking along, trying to find the best spot to attack from, when he came across two people making out. And it was Tyson and Princess Bob, and Kai, because he had a surprising amount of faith in Tyson, supposed it was just because he was doing what Kai had told him to do. So he snuck away, feeling as if things were going according to plan.
Daichi sat in the prison cell whistling a tune. He looked around.
"Oh, for the love of &#$* $&% *#$&*#& %& #*#$#* $#*$ &*&&!"
Within ten minutes, it was time for Tyson and Princess Bob to address the crowds. All of the idiotic world leaders had assembled near the curtained stage, and a good amount of the press was also present to document the impending sensation. Daichi, cursing all of his "friends," was led, hands tied behind his back, to the enormous fire pit that the Princess had ordered her Hunyiokian servants to prepare.
Kai and his minions, camouflaged in red and white, stood with grandpa, ready to attack. And Max and Prince Esmarelda, who was cradling Idiot, had climbed into the protective screens of the yam tree branches. Ray and Ming Ming, having frozen most of the human beings on earth, arrived back and were hiding behind the crowds. And Hilary, who had escaped not long earlier, stood very close to the stage with a crowbar.
"Now, Earthlings, my daughter, the Honourable Dudette of Earth and Princess of Hunyiokia, with her husband, Honourable Dude and Prince of Hunyiokia, would like to address you." King Kruck and Queen Makamakamoop stood back, and with everyone else they applauded as the curtains were pulled back.
And there were Tyson and Princess Julia, still making out. Daichi, who was thoroughly furious by now, swore loudly, and the crowd whooped and chuckled. Still they did not notice.
So Hilary took the stage. "Hey!" she shrieked, and Tyson broke free of his wife and leapt around.
"Hilary!" he cried joyfully.
Princess Bob gasped, staring horrified at the crowd assembled there. "Uh…" she began.
"Tyson! You cowardly pig! You left us all in there to die so that you could… could… aaaaaaaaaaaargh!" and she rushed at him, crowbar swinging.
"What's she doing over here? She's supposed to be with the other pris –" Princess Bob stopped abruptly and stared, horrified, at Daichi. "Where are all of the others?" she spat.
Tyson, eyeing the crowbar in terror, was trying to fight off Hilary. Kai, rolling his eyes monstrously, decided that now would be a grand time to attack, so he sounded the battle cry, and the Canadians leapt into battle, killing all of the world leaders/journalists, and killing many of the Hunyiokians.
Julia surveyed this delightedly, because she was a dreadful sadist, and allowed it to happen. Ray and Ming Ming leapt from behind the crowd into the midst of the battle, and with an ice-breathing dragon, it seemed as though the resistance would succeed.
Max wanted to join, but Prince Esmarelda held him back, saying, "It's safer for you and I to stay here, for when we are needed, we will be able to aid them."
Max, who had thought of a lot of things to say about the Prince doubting his friends, was interrupted by a great white laser jet of fire that shot out over everything. The Earthlings fell to the ground, all temporarily stunned (except Hilary and Tyson). The Hunyiokians, who were used to it, seized the resistance fighters and bound them up.
Prince Esmarelda caught the stunned Max and held him in place.
The Earthlings began to stir. Princess Bob cackled.
"I have not finished with you yet, you low, pathetic life-forms! I will destroy your planet, and you will sit here and watch."
"Not if we have anything to say about it!" came a cry, and from the yam trees jumped Max and Prince Esmarelda.
Tyson and Hilary were so shocked that they stopped fighting and simply watched. The Earthlings gave a roaring cheer, and then began singing, "O Canada."
"Stop," said Kai.
"Sibling!" gasped Princess Bob, who had always thought her dear sibling was on her side. "Why are you helping that Earthling? You are my own flesh and blood!"
"I cannot be party to your evil plots! I never have been, and I never will. I regret it, Julia, but I have to turn against you!" replied her sibling.
"What are you going to do, then?" asked Princess Bob, quickly getting over her shock and heartache. "Fight your entire race, just you alone?"
"No!" cried Max. "He's called a friend!"
And in swooped the Hunyiokian lion. Everyone stared at its enormous form, speechless.
"Wait, what? I thought the Hunyiokian lion only eats scantily clad virgins!" said Max, looking at Prince Esmarelda.
"Oh, right," was his/her sheepish response.
"Well, that's okay!" said Tyson amiably, and he strode to his wife and tore her dress off so that she stood in only her undergarments.
"Yeah, but you two are married, and I don't eat married girls," said the Hunyiokian lion.
"Well, our marriage was never consummated, so you can eat her," replied Tyson.
"Really?" asked the Hunyiokian lion doubtfully.
"Really," replied Tyson.
"That's not true!" cried Princess Bob desperately. "We consummated it! He just doesn't remember because he was drunk."
"No, I remember quite well. I said, 'Wow, I'm really drunk, I think I'm going to pass out.' And you said, 'Indeed you are, you insignificant buffoon,' and then you used your eye lasers to knock me out."
Everyone stared from Tyson to the Hunyiokian lion to Princess Bob.
"Well, okay, then I suppose I'll be eating you. I do feel a tad hungry, after all."
"Nooooo! No, I'm not, we did, I swear, and before that, oh, I was like, I was like Aphrodite! I swear to you!" cried Princess Bob as the lion descended on her.
"No one on Hunyiokia boasted of her chastity more than you did, your highness. So I'm afraid I'll make my lunch of you."
And so ended Princess Bob, with a shriek of rage.
"And for my desert, I shall have her widower husband, not much of a husband mind you, but still."
Tyson winced and prepared himself for the monstrous jaws, but then –
"Oh, you can't eat him," everyone, the Earthlings, the Hunyiokians, Idiot, Ming Ming, and the yam trees looked over at Hilary.
"And why not?" asked the lion.
"Because he's not a virgin."
"He just told me that he never consummated his marriage, and the Princess went down right into my stomach without causing indigestion. He spoke the truth."
"Okay, so he never consummated his marriage, but…" Hilary smiled, a vengeful, furious, wicked, seductive, sweet little smile, "Kai told me all about it. Tyson, you dog!"
Everyone looked at Kai, who facepalmed.
But Hilary was not finished. "Oh, and Ray, and Tala, and… Mariah… who else… oh, right, Dunga for sure, and Zeo once or twice…"
Now everyone was looking back at Tyson, who was flushing rather furiously.
"Oh, right, and King Kruck, Queen Makamakamoop, Honourable Stavrosiski, um, come to think of it, pretty much every Hunyiokian, especially the married ones. Is that all?" she asked sweetly.
And so the Hunyiokians, turning to their partners accusingly, ripped each other to shreds.
"Well then," said the Lion, "I suppose I am full. I'll just, um, be off, then." And away he prowled.
Hilary, Tyson, and Max untied all of the resistance fighters, including Daichi, who swore at everyone for a good half an hour. Because it was now Saturday, Ming Ming morphed back into a human, and Ray had never seen anyone more beautiful. Prince Esmarelda was made an honorary member of the Bladebreakers, as was Idiot, who was renamed to Hero, which, as it happens, is a splendid name for a bichon frisé.
Strangely enough, Kai and Prince Esmarelda seemed to get along wonderfully, and everyone raised their eyebrows at each other when they walked off together, hand in hand.
As the Canadians threw a party on Tyson's demolished front lawn scattered with dead Hunyiokians and political leaders and journalists, Hilary and Tyson looked at each other.
Hilary was still holding her crowbar. Though Tyson eyed it suspiciously, one couldn't help but feel that it really didn't concern him all that much. Heh.
"Uhhhm," said Tyson.
"Yeeeahh…" replied Hilary.
"Look, Hilary, I'm sorry about… everything."
Hilary shrugged. "It doesn't matter, Tyson. As long as everyone's okay. With the exception of all those dead people… but that part wasn't your fault."
"Yeah, Ray and Ming Ming did that. But I still feel bad. I acted like an idiot. Basically, I saw Princess Bob and I acted like an idiot, and then I found out that she didn't actually like me and I acted like an idiot, and then I found out that she sort of did like me and I acted like an idiot."
"Tyson, you always act like an idiot, so it's not as if you should really be surprised."
"Come on! This was way worse than normal," Tyson fumed, but Hilary stood with her arms folded and raised one eyebrow at him. He frowned. "You know what, forget it." He began to march away. "Daichi! I'm pissed off! Let's beyblade people's mailboxes!"
"Sweet! Hang on, Lemme go get my blade!"
Hilary caught up to the still fuming Tyson and stopped him from walking any further with her crowbar. "Tyson, look, I'm sorry too. I'm just angry."
"Good, because now we're both angry. I hope you're happy."
"I'm not, I'm angry."
"Well I'm happy."
"You don't look happy."
"That's cause I'm angry."
"Tyson, you're a moron."
"Well, you shouldn't be surprised."
"No, I guess I shouldn't, should I?"
"No, you said it yourself, didn't you?"
"And you never fail to prove me right!"
"Believe me, that's the one driving force in my life!"
"That makes a whole lot of sense, considering!"
"What's the matter with you? Who taught you to be such an unlikable bitch?"
"Ugh! Why do I even bother with you?"
"Why do I even bother with you?"
"Guys! Will you both shut up, please? You're ruining the celebration!" Max hollered, stepping in between them and subsequently pushing both backwards, since they at this point were but inches from each other.
"Yeah, and I thought we were going mailbox blading!" Daichi whined. It seemed to Max that Tyson was looking for an outlet for his anger, and a whining Daichi might be the target, so he swiftly intervened.
"What are you guys fighting about? Let's get it out in the open."
"Well, Hilary here refused to accept my apology and she called me an idiot."
"Tyson doesn't know how to apologize and wouldn't accept my apology for refusing to accept his apology and then he called me an unlikable bitch."
"Okay," Max said, staring as they turned their backs on each other and thrust their noses into the air. "But… what are you fighting about?"
"Isn't it obvious?" hissed Daichi, giggling.
"We're fighting because Hilary's an unlikable bitch. There, solved, give Hilary community service and twenty Hail Marys and we can get back to our lives."
Hilary turned around to smack Tyson in the head with her crowbar. "Actually," she said, turning away again as he swore and rubbed a lump on his scalp, "We're fighting because Tyson's a rude, immature idiot."
"Actually, we're fighting because Hilary's an unlikeable bitch."
"Actually, you're fighting because lately Tyson was stupid and Hilary was angry, and Tyson feels ashamed and Hilary won't let him forgive himself, and Hilary is jealous and Tyson won't apologize for making her jealous!" Daichi yelled. "It's a vicious circle, when will it end?" He sank to his knees and gazed pleadingly at the heavens.
"Tyson SHOULD be ashamed!" Hilary snapped.
"Hilary SHOULD be jealous! Wait, what? Hilary, you were jealous? You liked Princess Bob too? I could've sworn that you hated her."
Max rolled his eyes.
"UGH! Tyson! I liked you, not Princess Bob! Why are you SUCH an idiot?"
Tyson spun around to look at her, and Hilary clapped a hand over her mouth.
Daichi leapt up and grasped at Max's shirt, pointing at Hilary and Tyson. Max was dumbfounded.
"Huh?" was Tyson's reply.
"Okay, well then, I guess we'd better be going and such," Max said in an attempt to be airy. "C'mon, Daichi."
"Oh Max, isn't it sweet? Oh wait, no it isn't. And I wanted to mailbox blade."
"I'll mailbox blade with you, Daichi, let's just… go."
"But you always have to leave apology notes on people's doors when we mailbox blade! That makes it no fun!"
"Well, it's rude, what can I say? Now are you coming or not?"
Glowering, Daichi stomped after him. Max couldn't help a smile as he ever so subtly left, but he was also quite terrified for humanity.
Hilary was still facing away from Tyson with one hand over her mouth and now with one hand smacking herself repeatedly in the forehead. Tyson just gaped, but finally he said, "Uhh, Hilary? Do you want to, maybe, I don't know, expand, sort of, on what you said just now?"
Hilary whipped around, all lack of confidence vanished. It was enough to stop Tyson's heart. Actually, that was a hyperbole, but you get the point. She said, "Okay, I will. Tyson, you are an idiot, you have always been an idiot, and you always will be an idiot. There. Satisfied?"
Tyson snarled. "No, actually, I was talking about the other part."
"The part about how you should be ashamed?"
"OH my God you are such an annoying, stubborn, INFURIATING little – okay." He took a calming breath. Hilary was smugly smiling, and Tyson grimaced back at her. "No. I'm talking about the part about you liking me."
Hilary said nothing.
"And it was past-tense. And Daichi implied that you were jealous. Of Princess Bob. So yeah. That. Anything to contribute?"
Hilary pursed her lips. "No."
"But you admit that you said it!"
Hilary pursed her lips a bit more, but said nothing.
"Hilary," Tyson said, raising his eyebrows.
"I said it."
Tyson inhaled.
"But I didn't mean it! I mean, I meant it, but I was talking about something else, and the words got confused, and Daichi is insufferable and so are you so I just kind of said whatever came into my head and it ISN'T FAIR and so you shouldn't take that to mean – you shouldn't think of that as suggesting that I – okay fine, I said I liked you, and I did, and that's why I was so mad about the Princess Bob stuff, but even so you were being stupid, that wasn't just my bias, and, yeah, well, I like you past tense but present tense too and I don't know why so don't ask me and all I know is that if you two keep staring at me like that I'm going to have to kill you with this crowbar!"
Ray and Ming Ming, who had wandered over this way at a very inopportune moment and who had caught every word of Hilary's phenomenally long sentence, glanced at each other in terror and toddled hurriedly away.
Hilary sighed and swung the crowbar moodily at the ground, not meeting Tyson's eye at first, but when she did gradually look up, he was smiling.
"I must be even more amazing than I first suspected," he said.
"No, you're not," Hilary snapped, but his smile was too infectious even for her not to be affected.
"Well Hilary, that's all… very good to know. Very useful information. I'll file it away. I'll make use of it some day when you're back to being annoying again."
Hilary and crowbar were frowning once more.
"I'm JOKING, Hilary, wow, take it easy!" When the crowbar came down, he snatched it and pulled so that they were inches apart again. He grinned in what he probably hoped was a suggestive fashion.
"Tyson, you've been making out with an evil alien all day. This, right here, is going to have to wait. You must understand."
"Kay. How about we meet in the dojo at half-past two?" he said, half joking.
"Okay," she said seriously. When she had sauntered off, Tyson stood scratching the lump on his head, wondering if she was just being sarcastic. As he later found out, she wasn't.
Max and Daichi mailbox-beybladed Mr. Dickinson's mailbox, and when Max skipped up to the porch to leave an apology note on the door, it opened to his smiling, wizened face.
"Mr. Dickinson! Your premonition came true! But I have a question. Would the Hunyiokians really have invaded Earth if I hadn't gone there to meet with Prince Esmarelda? Or was your premonition about needing to destroy their civilization?"
"Or were you actually just trying to get Tyson and Hilary together and you knew it'd take an alien invasion?" laughed Daichi, joining Max on the porch.
"But really, Mr. Dickinson, what did you see in your premonition? What was the purpose of all of it?"
"Yes!" said Mr. Dickinson cheerfully.
Max and Daichi glanced at each other, perplexed.
I like how this concluded as an alien story and then became TysonxHilary, I mean, can you say lulz? Some other things: I'm pretty sure I borrowed "unlikable bitch" from the Naruto Abridged Spoof Series by Little Kuriboh. I'm much obliged to him. Also, why are Bey City kids using NASA spaceships? Why did some random planet have bichon frises? (Although, actually, that doesn't surprise me so much.) Why do Hunyiokians speak English? And what's with the environmentalism undertones?
Apart from that, all I can say is that I hope you enjoyed it. And if you got all the way down here, thankee kindly for reading this monstrosity of a one shot!