Hey, so urm sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've had a load of stuff going on along with Alevels and general teenage things. Anyway, this came to me as I was listening to this song in the car on the way back from a riding lesson (the song is Always Hate Me from James Blunt's latest album 'Moon Landing'). Urm, yeah so I hope you guys enjoy it!
Side note: just so nobody gets confused - it does change between Jac and Jonny's POV throughout and the final part is just an unknown narrator.
Oh god it hurt, the moment that I saw you
With someone else, the one that you belonged to
I never thought, I'd drown in my shallow heart
The first time I saw him with that..it..'her', I knew I had no right to be jealous, we weren't together after all and he was done with me, I was just nature's incubator for his daughter while she grew. It did hurt though, when he left the key, it was more than just the key to my flat, I was agreeing to let him into my life, I was giving in and letting him know I needed help, that was hard for me and he threw it back in my face. I know I could've said something sooner, he was completely available for so long, and it's not like I was venturing somewhere new, he knew me - he still does know me, I just don't know myself.
I'd like to say, the things I never used to
But come today, they won't ever be useful
I never learned to use my shallow heart
Now all I want to do is tell him I love him, I want to run up to him and wrap my arms around his neck and never let him go, I want him to be mine, but it's all too late. He's got 'her' now and she's lovely. I'm the just the insensitive, unfeeling bitch he wishes he'd never gotten pregnant. I never showed him that I loved him, I said the words once but now I think back I'm not entirely sure he felt the same. I'm such an idiot sometimes, why didn't I see that then...maybe if I'd realised that, I wouldn't be hurting so much now. Maybe if I'd learnt what love is and how to care about someone, maybe I wouldn't be in all this pain.
I never meant to hurt you
It's just something I do
I guess that's not a good excuse
I didn't mean to hurt her, she's the most beautiful, intelligent, invigorating woman I've encountered...but obviously she doesn't feel the same about me. I saw Bonnie and I guess my subconscious remembered how much fun we used to have, and that's what I want, all this CDH business is hard and maybe I just want to take a break from it all. When I left that key I didn't mean to hurt her, I wanted to go and talk to her about Bonnie and try to explain it, I left the key because I figured she wouldn't want me moving in with the tension between us. I'm just an idiot sometimes, even Mo told me I'd been a moron and she would take me giving the key back in the wrong way...but my idiocy is no excuse.
And she will always hate me
No matter what I say
And there is no mistaking
The love is gone
There seems to be no way out of it, she hates me for what I've done...I hate me too. I can't do anything about it, every time I try and talk to her she runs away, or Bonnie gets in the way and irritates her. I'm not blaming her though, I get it, I've been a complete and utter ass towards her and now she's carrying our daughter and coping with this all on her own. All I want to do is be able to be there for her, to get her to open up to me and understand what she needs. That's all over though, the relationship we shared is gone, I still love her, of course I do...but it's definitely not mutual.
And she will always hate me
She said you lost me baby
No matter what I say
The love is gone
We can't get out of this now, we've dug too deep, chipped away at the surface of each other and hurt ourselves too much. Part of me wants some sort of confirmation though, that it's over and there's nothing we can do, then maybe I could get on the road to getting over her and concentrate on me and Bonnie. I just want her to tell me 'it's over'. There's no chance of that though, it doesn't matter what I say, she's just impossible to get any sense from sometimes. That's what I love about her though, she just doesn't love me back.
Looking back I guess I'm holding on to
The good we had but I know that it's wrong to
'cause in the end she's never gonna hold my heart
Now I think back, I guess I'm only remembering the good parts. Of course I loved being in a relationship with her, of course we enjoyed ourselves, but it wasn't all fun and games. It was difficult, even when we were 'together' the slightest thing could set her off. The arguments we had were catastrophic sometimes, we split up more times than Katie Price and Peter Andre...but it was exciting, that's why I loved being with her. That doesn't matter now though...she's never going to forgive me, she's never going to feel the way I feel about her.
And now she knows she doesn't want to know me
I'm not supposed to be the one that's lonely
I never thought that she could have a cold cold heart
Ever since Bonnie came she's been even more distant, trying to talk to her and break through her barriers has been like trying to cross the border from Mexico. She's obviously made her decision about Bonnie, it's pretty clear she wants avoid her and ignore the fact we're together completely. I dread to think what she's going to be like when the baby's born, I wouldn't be surprised if it got so bad that she didn't let me see our daughter, never mind my girlfriend being involved. She's the one that's by herself but I'm the one that feels alone. It's her though, she just seems determined to isolate herself from everyone around her. This isn't right, she's the only one that understands how I'm feeling about the uncertainty of our daughter's life but she's the only one that isn't saying 'I'm here if you need to talk'. She should be the one I'm talking to about this, I should be listening to her and supporting her through the horrible thoughts that must be going round her head. I know everyone calls her the ice queen but I didn't think she was cold enough to make me suffer like this...but maybe I deserve it.
I never meant to hurt you
It's just something I do
I guess it's not a good excuse
I never meant to hurt him, as such, I just wanted him to understand how I'm feeling. He has 'her' while I'm sat in the corner watching them flirt like teenagers and laugh like they're both so care free. I may not be the most touchy feely person, I may not be so intertwined with my emotions, it's the way I've learnt to be, emotion has no place in my world. That said, it would be nice to have him there..to know I'd have someone to support me if the worst were to happen. I know I'm a bitch but I can't help who I am, I just do these things...I hurt other people and end up worst off in the process. I can't make excuses for myself though..so I won't.
What they don't realise is they both love each other, they both feel the same and they're both hurting without the other. What she doesn't realise is while he spends his nights with the nurse who turned up at possibly the best and worst time, he's thinking of her. He's lies in bed as sleep alludes him, using all his strength and will power not to go round to her flat and smother her in love and concern. What he doesn't realise is when she finally goes home at night after putting it off by catching up on other people's patient notes (a favour she would never normally do), she sits staring into the darkness, thinking about him. She makes no attempt to hide her fear when she's alone in her fortress, she cries until she has no energy left and finally falls asleep, dreaming dark and horrible dreams of what lies ahead for her and her child. What they both don't realise is that while they survive alone, they need each other to live their lives, they are unable to happy without the other and neither will move forward until one takes the first step.