Authors Amok, or Why Authors Do Not Always Get What They Want
A/N: Normally I don't have things like these stuck in my head very often, but I just had to get this out. It was making it impossible for me to read/write/watch Glee (fanfiction). Incredibly cracky. Like, I do not even know where this came from. At all.
I don't own anything, except for Jamie and Diane, who are completely fictional. Thank god for that.
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Blaine and Kurt were walking peacefully down the hallway to rehearsal. Kurt was yawning slightly, and Blaine's arm was thrown around his shoulders. All was happy and quiet—
Suddenly Kurt was thrown (into the lockers/to the floor). Shocked/Angry, Blaine glanced around to find the idiot who had thrown his boyfriend onto a surface other than himself, when he saw a giant, muscular jock lumber towards him.
"I WILL EAT YOU!" Karofsky roared, and Kurt gasped, coming back to consciousness and wiping away at some blood in disgust.
"Call for help!" Blaine shouted to his limp boyfriend, jogging backwards to bait Karofsky.
"I can't!" Kurt cried. "My phone mysteriously broke in three different places, rendering it completely useless! Oh, and the battery seems to have died or fallen out somewhere."
"I HAVE IT!" roared Karofsky, waving said cell phone battery around in circles over his head as Kurt promptly fainted again and Blaine rushed to his side, unsure of whether to be afraid or angry. "HERE IT IS! I AM EVIL! MWAHAHAHA!"
Suddenly, the air was cut open with the gleeful screams of two tweens.
"OHMIGOD DIANE!" a girl wearing her pajamas shouted, jumping up and down with her laptop in her hand. "OHMIGOD, IT'S KURT AND BLAINE!"
"I see that." Said Diane. "Obviously, Jamie, they are in pain."
"Okay!" Jamie nodded enthusiastically, before pointing accusingly at Diane. "No need to rhyme everything I say."
"I can't help it." Shrugged Diane. "I was born that way."
Kurt, who had miraculously become conscious again began belting out random lyrics to Lady Gaga's newest single, Born That Way.
Doors popped open around Diane and Jamie, and suddenly there were millions upon millions of Warblers streaming into the corridor, all side-stepping and humming in perfect a capella form.
"OH NO!" shouted Jamie. "I THINK I KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING! THIS IS BAD."
"Stop shouting, or I may become mad!" cried Diane.
"I THINK THAT MY FANFICTION STORY IS COMING ALIVE!"
"If that is so, then Blaine should be exercising his sex drive!"
The two tween writers glanced over at Blaine, who was now running his fingers through Kurt's hair, his eyes becoming steadily darker. Right on cue, Kurt woke up again and began breaking up the carefully gelled hair of his partner so that it was allowed to open to its full capacity—
"OHMIGODWHATISTHAT!" shouted Brittany, who had apparently popped into existence. The Warblers turned to see Blaine's hair, which was quickly expanding in exponential growth spurts, and began to scream and run away. Wes and David took the longest to vacate the hallway— they kept on screaming and running into each other.
"Aren't you normally boring sticks in the mud?" Kurt shouted, confused.
"That's my fault!" Jamie cried. "I unleashed the power of Wevid into my fanfiction story!"
"What the hell is Wevid?" Karofsky yelled, unfreezing from his manic position.
"SILENCE!" shouted Diane, pointing at him, and he was frozen again.
"Wes, daredevil extraordinaire, and David, brilliant mastermind, both hell-bent on creating Klaine!"
"What is Klaine?" asked Blaine, oblivious to the heavy expansion of his curls, even as they covered his face like ivy on a brick wall.
"Klaine?" Jamie said in her best um, duh? voice. "Like as in Kurt plus Blaine FOREVER?"
"It's a couple in fanfiction." Diane cleared up. "You guys, actually."
"What's fanfiction?" asked Kurt.
"It's...hard to explain. Just look it up. In this story, you get together as a byproduct of Karofsky messing with you. I think I am the only one who can stop it!" shouted Jamie.
"You okay?" asked Diane.
"I got this!" said Jamie. "Why aren't you rhyming anymore?"
"I'm not sure." Said Diane. She shrugged, and so did Jamie.
"RELEASE THE MONSTER!"
Diane pointed at Karofsky, who was pretty much unable to move anyways due to the epic proportions of Blaine's hair, and Jamie ran at him, a battle cry on her lips.
Karofsky stood stock still, shocked as a very very tiny twelve year old proceeded to pummel every single inch of skin she could reach.
"LEAVE KLAINE ALONE!" she shouted.
"OKAY!" cried Karofsky. "Jesus! Get off! I'm not ACTUALLY EVIL. I'M JUST CONFUSED. GO AWAY! OKAY!"
"DO! YOU! PROMISE!" she continued hitting him to punctuate every word.
"YES, YES. GET OFF!"
Jamie nodded, hopping off his stomach and delivering one last blow to his head. Kurt and Blaine had vanished at this point.
"Leave it to those two to go make out while we deal with a hippo like Karofsky," sighed Diane.
"I know, right?" Jamie rolled her eyes. "Anyways, I guess we should go."
"Yeah."
"Bye, Karofsky."
"Like, wait!" a girlish squeal erupted behind them, and they turned quickly. Karofsky was standing, knees bent at a weird angle, hands out like he wasn't quite sure what to do with them. "Like, OMG. What am I, like, supposed to, like, do now? I can't even go, like, shopping with Kurt-o's, like, credit card anymore! And I, like, hellllla wanted that new, like, purse!"
"Oh no," gasped Diane. "Did we…?"
Jamie nodded miserably. "We did. WE BROKE KAROFSKY! SORRY, RYAN MURPHY!" she shouted over excitedly, and then the two turned tail and ran as far as they could, Karofsky galloping after them like the bizarre girlish Frankenstein he had become.
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A/N: This….words do not describe my expression. I do not know where this came from. Some dark, frightening recess of my mind, I guess. And I wrote this. So, um. Crack-fics. Interesting. Anyways, this is why you need to get me caffeine when I need it because otherwise I go on this weird not-high-high thing and this is the result. This is weirder than this one daydream I had about my contact lens growing really big and swallowing my head.
So, um. Review…? And then read some of my normal fics, I guess.
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