The late afternoon breeze stirring across the lake was a welcome relief as the warm afternoon sun inched its way towards the horizon. Amongst the lengthening shadows, dragonflies dipped and rose just above the water's surface, sending the smaller insects skittering out of their way. Across in the distance, a pair of white swans took flight, embarking on one last graceful circuit before the day faded into night.
Georg breathed deeply, contentedly. He'd spent far too much of the afternoon cooped up in his study and it was a relief to finally be out on the terrace. After Agathe's passing, her father seemed to find more and more excuses to send blueprints and documents to him to analyse and review. Georg realised that he was probably better qualified to look at them than anyone. He knew that in the early days it was the only practical thing his father in law could find to distract him from the shock and devastation of losing his beloved Agathe. A not so subtle, but entirely futile attempt at forcing him to drag himself back to the real world, out of the darkness of his torment. But now with the changing political climate, there were more pressing reasons.
Georg could feel the slight catch in his breath as he thought of Agathe. For so long the mere thought, just hearing her name, would bring the grief flooding back, plunging him into darkness. But not now.
As he looked across from the terrace to the lake at the children taking advantage of the lingering afternoon he realised that a tranquillity now enveloped his family. It seemed that as the days passed Agathe was somehow finally settling into a resting place in his heart. A place where she could be at peace and where he could start allowing some light to shine. He couldn't deny that there were times when he was caught off guard by a memory that was still too personal, too raw, but he'd certainly come a long way from the shadow of a man he'd allowed himself to become.
He smiled at the sight of Friedrich and Kurt. They were down by the lake taking their latest model ship on its maiden voyage. He'd helped them finish building it last night after dinner amid much excitement. Both were lying on their stomachs on the landing, hanging over the edge with their shirt sleeves rolled up to the elbow. He couldn't see their faces from where he sat, but he knew that they would both be grinning from ear to ear. From all the commotion and splashing he had no doubt that if they weren't soaking wet now they soon would be, the fronts of their shirts covered in dirt and mud from the landing.
There was a time when such unruly behaviour from the children would have instantly brought his anger boiling to the surface. But not now.
Now, he took great pleasure watching his boys being just that – boys. He felt proud knowing that he'd played some part in their joy, even if it was simply supervising the final touches on the latest addition to their model ship collection.
Georg's thoughts were interrupted by Friedrich who was yelling out to Louisa. It seemed that she'd been positioned strategically downstream to catch the small craft as it caught the lake's current. Much to the boy's frustration, her attention had turned to a clump of reeds near the edge of the lake, no longer paying any notice to her brothers, not showing the slightest interest in her part of the boat's launch. Georg chuckled to himself. His sons should have realised her unsuitability for the task - she was always distracted by some insect or crawling creature.
Louisa, his tomboy daughter. She looked as sweet as her mother, but the similarities ended just beneath the angelic exterior. Unlike her mother, Louisa held her emotions in check, kept her thoughts guarded. She was almost better at it than he was, he admitted. The impact of her mother's death made her even less trusting, less giving of herself. Just as it had him.
Again he found himself wishing he hadn't neglected his children and their needs for all those years. Could he ever forgive himself he wondered, for what must have been the hundredth time that day. Like most days, he'd lost count. But thankfully, since the arrival of a certain whirlwind of a governess, Louisa was now much less reserved, more affectionate. He smiled, thinking back to the confrontation on the landing that had forced a strict, ill-mannered Sea Captain to see the error of his ways. Forced him to start healing himself so that he could help his poor neglected children heal. They had once been a family broken and tormented. But not now.
As his thoughts turned to Maria, he sought her out. He always did. Drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Ah, there she was, walking along the path towards the landing, coming from the direction of the gazebo. God, she was more breathtaking than ever! Her hair captured the late afternoon sun and looked even more like spun gold. His fingers burned as he was suddenly hit with the need to run his hands through her hair, just to feel it's softness under his skin. He pressed his thumbs against his fingertips, trying to relieve some of the tension.
Maria had her arm around Leisl's waist, deep in conversation. Georg frowned as he guessed that Maria was once again consoling Leisl about that damned telegram delivery boy. Thankfully, there hadn't been any telegrams delivered lately, so maybe he was worrying about nothing. Regardless, he made a mental note to speak to Maria tonight after the children were in bed, just to ease his mind. In these troubling times, it paid to be cautious.
Following close behind Maria and Leisl were his three youngest daughters, each carrying bunches of freshly picked daisies. Suddenly they all broke out into laughter. He could hear the sweet melody of Maria's laughter rising above the group. He found himself wondering what had made her laugh. Wished it was him. She looked across to the terrace and held his gaze for a moment, rewarding him with a radiant smile, then all too soon turned her attention to Brigitta. She let her arm drop from Leisl's waist and bent down to whisper something to Gretl. He watched, mesmerised, as a delightful giggle escaped from his youngest daughter.
In that moment, irrationally, Georg found himself wishing that Maria had been whispering to him. Murmuring softly, gently. He knew her voice would be low, her breathing shallow, as she told him her deepest, darkest thoughts. Coaxing him. Urging him on. But he knew he wouldn't need any encouragement. There would be no holding back. He could feel her ragged breath against his ear, but then realised that it was the evening breeze and his mind playing tricks. He shook his head a little as he tried to clear the stray thoughts from his mind, back to something more appropriate in the presence of the children.
He moved his focus back to the water's edge while he regained some control over his wandering mind. Or at least tried to. Friedrich and Kurt were now beside Louisa, all three retrieving the model boat from the reedy outcrop where the lake's current had pushed it. Although he suspected that Louisa was still more interested in what creatures she could find lurking in the undergrowth.
His eyes moved back to the group that was now scattered on the seats near the landing. Brigitta had picked up the book she'd discarded earlier. Wasting no time in devouring it again while Leisl braided her hair. Maria was helping Marta and Gretl link the white daisies they'd picked into chains. Marta stood on her toes, proudly placing a small chain of daisies on Maria's head. Georg's heart swelled at the sight.
Marta and Gretl were too young to remember Agathe and he always felt overwhelmed seeing the obvious love and absolute trust they held for Maria. Since that day he'd returned from Vienna, he realised that they'd come to see her as their mother. All the children did. He did. It was easy to acknowledge as he watched the tranquil scene play out in front of him.
Georg watched, fascinated, as Maria bent down to let Gretl gently place her daisy chain over her head, while she somehow managed to hold Marta's daisy crown in place. Seconds passed before he realised he'd forgotten to breathe. Again, he felt the familiar burn in his fingers. How he longed to trace the line of daisies draped around Maria's neck. He imagined placing gentle butterfly kisses along the length of her collarbone, lingering just long enough to taste her sweetness.
Now as she threw her head to the side to share a thought with Leisl, he imagined her inviting him to gently nip at her neck. He knew that in no time he would discover her quickening pulse. A pulse that would tell them both that she needed him, just as much as he needed her. Just her. Only her. God, what this woman did to him. How she could bring him so completely undone without even trying, not even knowing. He could feel his chest tightening, his breathing becoming shallow. Instinctively he gripped the arms of his chair just a little tighter. The burn was becoming overwhelming. Fighting his inner turmoil was useless so he let his thoughts wander to what they might do after dinner, later, when the children were in bed…
Then, suddenly, without warning, the magic of the moment was ripped out from under him, catapulting him back into the real world.
"…Georg! Georg! " Max finally had his friend's attention.
Georg mentally shook himself, attempting to return to the reality of where he was. Trying not to betray where his mind had been, he casually looked around and was shocked to realise that he was on the terrace with Max and Elsa. God have mercy! Where the hell had his thoughts just taken him? This was utter madness!
"Sorry Max, I'm still thinking about that mountain of paperwork in my study. Now what were you saying old man?" Georg mumbled apologetically. He glanced at Elsa and smiled, looking away quickly, hoping that she wouldn't see the mixture of guilt and desire in his eyes. He couldn't help but notice her questioning look and slightly raised brow.
Thankfully, Max and Elsa quickly returned to gossiping about some poor socialite in Vienna who was embroiled in this week's latest scandal. He sighed, it would be someone else shocking the elite next week. He really did find it all rather tiresome. At least while they were busy gossiping, their conversation only required minimal input from him. God knows he needed the time to recover his composure. To rein in his thoughts. To at least attempt to control his body's reactions.
Turning his mind back to itself, Georg tried desperately to restore some order. Despite appearing for all the world like the nonchalant and confident aristocrat he was supposed to be, his mind was racing at a million miles, scattering off in so many different directions all at once, he wasn't sure where to start. Dear God, what was happening to him? Had he truly gone mad? When did his admiration and gratitude for Maria become something else? Something sordid? And when did he start thinking of his children's governess simply as Maria?
As he tried to pinpoint the time, the moment, he'd let his guard slip, he heard Elsa and Max laughing. He joined in, half-heartedly. He had no idea why they were all laughing, and if he was honest, he really didn't care.
He quickly returned his efforts to organising the disarray in his head, or at least attempting to. How could he take Fraulein Maria's innocent gestures and love for his children and turn it into something so depraved? God have mercy, she was from a convent for heaven's sake. Since when did he become so degenerate? He was supposed to be a gentleman. Distinguished. Respected. Instead his mind had been overrun by thoughts that belonged somewhere in his youth. A lifetime ago. Damn it, he hadn't felt such unbridled longing, such lust, since, well since…Oh…Oh, Agathe, please find it in your heart to forgive me…
How could he have been so completely absorbed, become so totally lost in just simply watching the governess? Respecting her. Admiring her. Grateful for her. Wanting her. And all while sitting next to the woman he was supposed to be courting. Good Lord, he was so ashamed. So disgusted.
Where was his legendary control, honed by years of naval training and service? When did he start feeling something? Anything?
Over the years since Agathe's passing, he'd become expert at shutting off all his feelings, ignoring them. Banishing any emotions. He'd perfected functioning day to day while feeling nothing. A numbness, almost like sleep walking. Only occasionally he'd allow himself to feel anything. At night, alone with his thoughts, safely behind the locked doors and darkness of his bedroom. He'd allow the grief and desolation to momentarily overwhelm him. But after such a lapse occurred, he'd resolve to face the next day with his thoughts and emotions bolted down even tighter. And he'd succeeded. But not now.
What was this? This was something he was struggling to understand. To accept. But, whatever it was, he knew he needed to get a tight grip on it in before it got out of hand. He desperately needed to regain control over this thing.
He took in a deep breath, this should be easy he resolved, with focus he could do this.
Georg turned to Elsa forcing a smile for her, thankful that he'd somehow noticed Max giggling away and hoping that his smile had been enough of a reward for what he assumed was one of Elsa's witty remarks. He'd really been behaving appallingly, he thought as he looked away, disgusted with himself.
Georg's thoughts returned to his children as Fraulein Maria began gathering them together to clean up and dress for dinner. He promised himself that he would be more attentive to his guests. Especially Elsa, the woman he was supposed to be proposing to. He promised himself that he would focus his attention only on his children, away from their Fraulein.
This episode on the terrace was an isolated incident. A momentary lapse. One that he would not be repeating. He vowed to stop the madness now! He could not let his gaze linger over Fraulein Maria. Would not. At least then his thoughts shouldn't drift off into such unholy territory again.
Georg rose with Elsa and Max to prepare for dinner with renewed determination. Squaring his shoulders and clenching his jaw just that little bit tighter, his confidence growing.
He smiled, remembering that following this morning's final rehearsal the children would be performing a puppet show in the ballroom tonight after dinner. This was going to be easy, Georg decided. After all, how hard could it be to ignore Fraulein Maria?
Apologies everyone, I thought it was time I contributed rather than just cheer on all your brilliant work from the sidelines! Pure, 100% fluff! Thanks Bloomandgrow for all your encouragement. I don't own TSOM, just borrowed our favourite characters for a short while...