The Hole
By Kathryn Denson
Warnings: Um, Wufei-bashing, mild Duo-bashing, random stupidity…basically, anything you could ever expect ouf of me. Also, this is another old fic that I've gone through and tried to make more interesting…we'll have to see how that turns out. I like it; I don't really know if anyone else will. Criticism appreciated. Anyhow, I was about 13 when I wrote this, my friend Jayne was 12, and my brother Matt (Star Wars humor author Sirtalksalot) was 11. Forgive us for our…um…weirdness. We were on Mountain Dew highs and bored when we wrote this and I was in severe pain from a huge cavity.
Wufei gawked at Kat, Matt, and J.Z. "Y—you're not serious!" he sputtered. "I—I can't run around in pantyhose!"
Kat raised an eyebrow and smiled, showing that her braces were gone and she had straight, perfect-looking teeth and a beautiful smile. "Well, Wuffy, I've got a cavity on my molar from the braces, and it's causing me so much pain," she began dramatically.
"So I suggested taking it out on you," J.Z. added onto her best friend's story, flipping back her dishwater blond hair.
"And I came up with the idea of you running around wearing nothing but pantyhose," Matt concluded, holding a pad of paper in front of him, preparing to write.
"NOOOOOOOO! I WON'T DO IT!" Wufei wailed, running off.
Kat started to cry. "I'll be in pain forever," she sobbed.
J.Z. patted her on the back. "It's OK, Kat," she said soothingly. She saw Duo come up. "Will it make you feel better if Duo helps us catch bad ol' Wufei?"
Kat sniffed and nodded. "Please…"
"Duo!" Matt yelled. "Help us catch Wufei! Kat wants to make fun of him to cheer herself up over her first cavity."
"OK!" Duo called back cheerfully. He walked closer. "Hey, Kitty Kat, you look kawaii without braces. Get contacts, too?"
J.Z. blinked. "Duo, Kat has contacts, but she doesn't wear them. She's wearing her glasses."
Duo blushed. "Oh, I think I need glasses, too!"
Kat groaned. "C'mon, I'll go with J.Z., you go with Matt."
"Cool!" Matt said enthusiastically. "The God of Death and the God of Comedy! And to make it more interesting, I think I'll make Duo eleven, like me!" There was a poof, and Duo was a mere eleven years old.
"Cool…I forgot you can make them of almost unreasonable age…I'll make Wufei eighty-nine one of these days," Kat commented. "L's'go."
J.Z. and Kat walked along, chatting away in Japanese.
"So tell me…what are you going to do with Wufei when you catch him?" J.Z. asked nonchalantly.
"Well, this is a direct challenge to my authority as an author and must be dealt with accordingly…" Kat said as if deep in thought.
"So?" J.Z. promted her.
"So I was going to have Heero hang him by his ears from the roof," Kat replied.
"You're so mean," J.Z. chuckled.
Both teenaged fanfiction writers threw back their heads and laughed, imagining Wufei's yelping and struggling. They walked on in silence and a hole appeared out of nowhere in front of them. J.Z. started to slip and Kat grabbed her arm, steadying her.
Kat gasped. "That was close."
"Too close," J.Z. added. Tentacles raced up and grabbed both girls, who didn't scream at all as they were pulled down…
"Find 'em yet!" Duo yelled to Matt.
"No, but here's J.Z.'s scrunchie," Matt said, holding it up.
Duo picked something up. "And Kat's horseshoe necklace…"
They saw the hole. "I bet they fell in," Matt commented. He tossed a rock down and watched it fall…and never hit bottom.
"And they're down there now, writhing in pain and agony…" Duo added, remembering when Kat had flushed him down a toilet and J.Z. had put a chair in his path every time he took a step so he kept tripping over it…again and again…and everyone kept laughing…and his legs were bruised for weeks…
"Agony?" Matt repeated, eyebrows raised as he looked up.
"Uh…nevermind, let's go," Duo mumbled, starting to walk off. Matt frowned, not wanting to leave the hole where his older sister and her best friend had evidently fallen in.
Just then, two tentacles shot up and grabbed Matt and the retreating Duo. Duo screamed, but Matt didn't. They were pulled down, and Duo just kept on screaming his head off like a two-year-old girl, earsplittingly high-pitched.
"Oh, shut up," Matt snapped, annoyed.
Duo didn't cease screaming at all, and yelled at him, "HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Matt rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll scream. Ah," he added undramatically.
Duo seemed not to have heard him, for strangely enough, he didn't laugh.
They hit bottom and found Kat and J.Z. sitting Japanese-style on the floor. "Tsk, tsk," Kat said placidly. "Do you have any idea how long we've been waiting?"
Matt and Duo exchanged glances. The two girls stood up. "What grabbed us?" Matt asked.
"Oh, probably an evil force with all sorts of deadly powers," J.Z. said carelessly.
"That was Heero?" Duo asked blankly. "When did he grow tentacles?" All three fanfiction writers slapped their foreheads and fell backwards anime-style.
One of those weird TV screen-thingies popped out(Thingies? Kat, how lame can you get? Uh, I'm a bit braindead at the moment. I hit my head while baby-sitting, and my hair's even still all bloody. Now, are you going to help me write or make fun of me? Neither…I'm gonna go watch the thingy…Star Wars Clone Wars is on. Haha, very funny, Matt. Now leave. This is for anime fans, not Star Wars fans. Really…).
"Ha!" Wufei's image cried. "Just in time for my show—Doom! And you're special guests! Now you have to answer to the judge! Kathryn M.B. Denson, Jayne Z. Barton, and Matt 'Sirtalksalot' are charged with making me worship and watch Barney, act like an idiot, having Heero shoot me, using Nair to make me bald, having Heero scare the crap out of me—HEY! WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING!"
They were sitting at one of those low Japanese tables, wearing Japanese clothes, sitting like Japanese people, and sipping green tea. Kat was wearing a karate uniform with her brown belt, J.Z. was wearing the kimono her mom got her in Japan, Matt was wearing a WWII-style Japanese army uniform, and Duo was wearing a Japanese work outfit with one of those big straw hats (I think they're Chinese, but Duo's too stupid to know that).
"His show's pretty boring," J.Z. said fervently.
"It'll get canceled soon," added Kat.
"More like, really soon," Matt corrected.
"Ketchup!" Duo added happily, squirting it in his tea as everyone else looked at him like he was insane (more like they knew he was insane).
Wufei went beet-red and screamed, "Well, the interesting part is about to come up!"
"You're letting me hang you by your ankles from the Empire State Building?" Kat asked curiously. "Your ratings would shoot up dramatically."
Wufei starting screaming a continuous flow of profane rantings along with those on justice, but he was saying it in rapid Chinese.
They gazed blankly at him. "Uh, come again?" Matt said. J.Z. tried to clean earwax out of her ear and Kat tightened the belt of her karate uniform.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNJJJJJJJJJJJUUUUSSSSSSTTTTTTIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCEEE!" he screamed.
"Yeah, more like, injustice that you can't say anything besides kisama, injustice, Nataku, and onna," Matt said. "Let's make an agreement—I'll leave you alone if you increase your vocabulary."
"Totally," J.Z. said cheerfully. "Wufei, drop down and give me 500!"
Wufei looked horror-struck as his body began performing five hundred push-ups without him wanting it to.
"You see, Wuffy," Kat said. "J.Z., Matt and I are authors, and whatever we say goes, even if the characters disagree. Even Duo here understands that, thick as he is."
Duo opened his mouth to complain, but seemed to think better of it, and remained silent. (Hm….maybe I underestimated his actual intellect…)
Wufei quickly finished the push-ups and dropped through a…uh…trapdoor thingy in the ceiling(Thingy again? Matt, get out of my room and out of this side of the fic or I'll destroy your Darth Maul doll! Action figure… Who cares? Same thing. Get out.).
"Prepare to die!" he yelled and started firing madly at them with a machine gun he pulled out of his hammerspace. He had very poor aim, and hit the ceiling above them.
"Ahem," Kat cleared her throat. She stepped up and kicked him between the legs. She was wearing steel-toed boots.
Wufei was rolling on the floor screaming in pain and agony…gosh, the irony!
"Now, if you'll go along with my humor fanfic, I'll release you this time," Kat said firmly. "And I'll try to make a fic that humiliates Zechs instead of you."
"OK…I'll go along with it," Wufei mumbled.
Kat snapped her fingers and everything went back to normal… except Duo was still eleven. But Matt had done that, so Kat had little control over the fact.
Matt reluctantly made Duo sixteen again. Duo sighed in relief. "OK, I'm back," he sighed.
Heero chose that moment to walk in. "AH! THE POWERFUL FORCE WITH ALL SORTS OF EVIL POWERS!" Duo screamed.
Heero blinked his Prussian blue eyes innocently, if that's even possible. "Pardon?"
Duo was hiding behind Kat, who was shorter than any of the pilots. The boys were not impressed much by her height at first, but then they learned that she would make them die or worse in stories if they weren't nice to her…and there are things so much worse than death…
Kat frowned. "Uh, we had a slight escapade," she said to Heero. "Go…make out with Relena or something."
"Huh?" Heero said blankly.
"Don't you have something else to do?" J.Z. asked.
"Um…" Heero quickly made something up before they got any ideas, and he could see the looks appearing on their faces. "Yeah, I've gotta T.P. Nataku."
"Wha--?" Wufei began, but Heero shot his glare at him.
"Aw, darn, we'll have to make you hang Wufei by his ears some other day," Kat said, snapping her fingers in disappointment. "And as for Nataku, send me a picture. Lord knows I could do with a laugh. My head hurts like HELL."
"Whatever," Heero muttered. "Look, I'm never mean to you, so can you please just not make me the target?"
"Um…" Kat seemed to consider this. "OK, whatever."
"Ki-ids," a voice called. "Time for sup-per!"
Dragged abruptly into the real world, Kat raised her eyebrows. "Hmm. We really need to find something else to do during the summer…"
Kat and J.Z. set the action figures down, and Matt set down the script they'd written and went to dinner…
They came back fifteen minutes later and resumed playing, making up another way to destroy Wufei's day…
THE END