Of Samurai, Ninja, Assassins... And Pirates
Summary: Some conflicts just cannot be solved with a coin flip. Shizuku is confused, Nobunaga is beyond angry and Franklin is worried. The others are indifferent.
Disclaimer: Togashi Yoshihiro owns all the characters mentioned in the following story. Except for Naruko the female ninja (you all know where i got this from), the assassins, pirates and shinigamis.
"So you mean to say that she's an assassin as well as a ninja? But how is that possible!"
"The two titles coincide when a ninja is given the task of killing someone; that makes her a ninja, who also happens to be an assassin." Franklin explained patiently to the bespectacled girl sitting on a crate with her legs dangling off the side.
Shizuku sat deep in thought, arms crossed and stared hard at a certain point in front of her which happened to be Nobunaga's hunched back as he went about his weekly task of ridding his katana of dirt and blood stains.
"Ah!" Shizuku's brown eyes lit up with her latest epiphany, which was not always a good thing. The last time that happened, Franklin had to spend half a day clearing her serious misconception regarding tender mutton and young children's flesh. Eating children was something Hisoka would do, not Shizuku. Not in a million years.
"I think I understand now. A ninja can, but does not always have to be an assassin because she can use her skills in other ways like... catching herself a pet mouse!" A rat had squeaked loudly from an unseen corner during the pause in Shizuku's sentence, providing the inspiration behind her example.
"Yes, I believe that is correct." There was, Franklin felt, no need to point out the absurdity of Shizuku's example as long as she understood the gist of their discussion.
"What about Nobu, is he a ninja?" Nobunaga, in the process of locating missed fingerprints along his blade against the flickering light, almost decapitated himself as he jerked upright.
"I am a samurai. Do not associate me with the likes of ninja, who have absolutely no code of honour."
"But your sword... Oh right, ninja don't use rusty swords, they use cool daggers and kunais." Shizuku was very taken with her current favourite manga character, Naruko the female ninja, who had successfully assassinated the evil lord with her trusty dagger and kunais in the latest chapter.
There was a faint trace of a pulsing vein at Nobunaga's left temple. "Did you just call my weapon a rusty sword?"
"No, I did not. Why on earth would I do that?"
"Yes you did, just a minute ago!"
"You must have recalled wrongly, because I certainly don't remember saying anything like that!" Shizuku clenched her fists in agitation at being unjustly accused. "Did i, Franklin?"
"I'm not sure, but I don't think so.." Franklin shook his head while sending Nobunaga a look which plainly said 'Just let it go, you know the black holes in her memory..'
"In fact, I think Nobu's angry because he's stuck being a lousy samurai while he wants to be a ninja, assassin or maybe even a pirate!"
That was even more ridiculous than the idea of a ninja caring for a pet mouse. Franklin smacked himself mentally and solemnly promised not to introduce Shizuku to anymore manga series.
"Shizuku, I dare you to say that again."
"Huh? Okay then, I said that you're angry be-"
Uh oh, Franklin realised that it was not a good sign when Nobunaga walked dangerously and deliberately slowly towards him and Shizuku. With his sword in hand. And Shizuku, being painfully wooden at identifying the reason behind peoples' frustrations, was making it worse.
"Hey guys, I know we're all bored here but don't think you can fight just because Danchou isn't around." Shalnark called from the other end of the hall and went back to typing furiously at his laptop.
"Oh shoot, we're not allowed to quarrel," Shizuku pitied poor Nobunaga who was turning the strangest shade of purple in the face with... the desire to take on a more impressive title of a ninja, assassin or pirate, most probably. She wasn't sure why pirates were in the equation in the first place, the word just happened to pop into her mind as she was speaking.
"Let's just flip a coin then, heads for ninja and tails for pirate. I figured we can all be assassins when Danchou tells us to kill some old mafia boss."
Shizuku flicked the coin which magically appeared in her hand high up into the air, anticipating Nobunaga's new exciting identity.
With a swipe too fast to be seen by the naked eye, Nobunaga sliced the unfortunate coin cleanly and the two halves fell onto the floor only to disperse into millions of glittering particles, never to be separated from the dust and dirt till the end of time.
Shizuku looked slightly alarmed with Franklin in a defensive position in front of her, his nen glowing.
Nobunaga, with the entire location of the human face surface capillaries, main arteries and veins mapped out clearly from his neck up, opened his mouth.
"Do not insult me! You do not question my pride of being a samurai, hear it right! And you certainly do not determine what I am by flipping a coin. Why don't you ask Hisoka if he's a clown or magician, Feitan if he's a sadist or just a shortie, Phinks if he's a cosplayer or plain nuts, Shalnark if he's a geek or naggy old woman, Paku if she's a hooker, Ubo if he's a navy seal, Franklin if he's Frankenstein, Bonorenofu if he's a mummy, Kurotopi if he's Sadako, Machi if she's tsundere, and last but not least, Danchou if he's a cross dresser!"
With that, Nobunaga stomped away from the appalled duo, leaving them gaping. He couldn't fight, and he couldn't win so that was the least he could do. "And ask yourself if you're a nerd or a fish with short term memory!" Nobu spat out loud but mostly to himself because he had left the hideout and was no longer within earshot. He trudged towards the shady part of the town planning to vent his anger on any unlucky dude who tried to pick a fight. He would just have to clean his katana again later in the day.
Back at the scene of incident, the victims of Nobunaga's verbal diarrhoea were making a fast recovery.
"Are you alright?"
"Yes, Nobu brought up a lot of interesting points which I have never once thought of! But I can't remember what the point he made about Machi was..."
"That's ok, you can think about it next time. Are you sure you're feeling okay?"
Franklin felt oddly like a doting dad who was unsure of how to placate his daughter after a horrifying encounter. He decided to go for the feed-your-child-ice-cream-to-distract-her method.
"Why don't you continue reading your manga and forget about what happened this morning." He suggested, handing her a dog-eared volume of Ninja Naruko.
"Mmmkay," Shizuku smiled absent-mindedly.
So.. after a noisy morning of sword cleaning, coin flipping/cutting and intellectual discussions, a peaceful silence ascended upon the Spider hideout once more. For as long as it was allowed to.
"Say Franklin, what's the difference between shinigamis and undertakers again?"
~End~
AN: Gyyyaaaaaa! I am well aware that Nobu's long speech and Shizuku's last question don't make much sense. But yea what's the point of making sense in a crack fic? Please pardon any factual errors cos i'm pretty confused over ninjas and assassins too. And bandits and thieves. =DD
As usual, reviews are very much appreciated and thanks for taking time to read this!