Sam looked down at her small frame. If he stared hard enough, he swore he could almost see a bump. Which was ridiculous, considering she was only 12 weeks pregnant.
"What happened to telling the team tomorrow?"
Jules stopped abruptly, forcing Sam to almost run into her. She turned around and held his gaze with her piercing eyes.
He knew that look all too well, it shut him up instantly every time. Having discussed this subject over and over again, she figured he would drop it. Sam thought differently.
"Babe, tomorrow was a month ago. They need to know, it's not just your life in danger anymore"
They kept walking towards the locker room, whispering as loud as possible without potentially alerting anybody else to their heated conversation.
"How many times do I have to go over this with you? We have to wait until my second trimester. It'll be safer then"
"The longer we wait, the more risks you face. How are you going to get out of sparring? One wrong move and Ed could throw you flat on your stomach."
She pushed him into the female locker room and threw him up against the wall.
"Enough! We are NOT having this conversation here"
He could hear the warning in her tone and see the look of pure anger in her eyes but he couldn't drop it. This was his child too – he had every right to protect his child in any way he could.
"Sparring is just the tip of the ice berg. What if you get shot? Even with the Kevlar you'll probably still lose the baby!"
There it was. The constant fear at the front of both their minds. Miscarriage.
And what was worse was that he was right.
She had imagined every possible risk that could potentially harm her baby. It kept her up at night, a new nightmare every time with a new risk with the same result.
Most first time mothers' maternal instincts kick in the second that little stick has two lines. Some women will do anything and everything to protect the tiny heart beat, beating inside of them. But why wasn't Jules?
"Please Sam, I just...I don't...I can't..."
Her angry demeanour had changed instantly to a much more saddened tone.
Sam sighed heavily before continuing. This wasn't how he had envisioned starting a family. The secrets, the fighting, the constant fear. He just wanted Jules to open her eyes, realise the danger she was putting herself in and protect their unborn child.
He slowly pulled her into his arms whilst she rested her head on his shoulder.
"Every time I see you out there, doing what you do – it scares me Jules. It scares me so much. One wrong move and I could lose one or both of you. I know how much you love your job, I know how hard you worked to get to where you are but do you really love your job more than our baby?"
His words hit her like a ton of bricks. The accusation was out there in the open now and there was no taking it back.
Jules lifted her head slowly. Sam dropped his eyes to the floor, wishing it would open up and he could just disappear into it.
"Is that what you think?"
Her words were quiet yet punctuated slowly so he could hear every syllable. Her previous anger quickly boiling back up. Did he really just suggest that?
"No...look...I shouldn't have said that..." He stammered, trying to back pedal his statement.
"But you did, so answer me!"
He rubbed his face in frustration. This was going nowhere.
"I'm sorry. I know you love the baby more than your job. I'm just...scared. If we tell the team, they'll take extra precautions for you. They won't put you in dangerous situations if they can help it. They won't make you spar and they won't put you in the firing line. You can still be on the team without being in immediate danger. Think about it, it's a win-win situation"
Lately, he seemed to always be the voice of reason. It was quite strange.
She breathed out a sigh of defeat. She knew he was right.
"Now that Leah is back, I've already been thrown into the truck. This will just give them another excuse to keep me there. Let her have all the glory, doing everything I'm meant to be doing"
Her jealousy had taken Sam by surprise. Could this whole situation really be about Leah coming back?
"Sarge is just using your expertise in the truck and on the ground with the witnesses and family because he trusts you more than any of us. You know you're better at getting the truth out then all of us. Leah can't negotiate as well as you can"
He tenderly stroked her cheek, hoping she'll open back up to him.
"She's the rookie – not me! I should be out there enjoying the last few moments of this job I'm ever gonna have. You know once we tell them I'm pregnant, that's it. My job is over. Being a mother and cop is different to being pregnant and a cop. I'm damaged goods."
The outburst is what Sam had been waiting for. She'd been holding it in for too long.
Her fears of being second best were always prominent in her life. From trying to outdo her brothers, to beating her friends in school, to becoming the first woman in the SRU. She was constantly trying to prove herself, to show others that she was a force to be reckoned with. She wouldn't let being a woman stop her from doing anything, nor would she let her short stature and small frame stop her from joining in with the big boys. And she certainly wasn't going to let a baby put her behind the rest of the team.
Leah was a threat in her mind, a competitor that she was yet to beat. She had trained for half of her life to be where she was and this newbie had the audacity to come back and act as though she deserved to be in the firing line. That was Jules' spot and she knew it.
Sam had to tread delicately here. This was her life. She lived and breathed for those moments where she would be looking down the barrel of a gun whilst she or Sarge tried to negotiate everybody to safety. The adrenaline rush it gave her was like crack, she craved it. Sitting in a truck, in front of a computer screen did not appeal to her at all. Nobody trains for 10 years with fist fighting, one on one combat, knife fighting, shooting ranges and negotiating skills simply to be put in the back of a truck in front of a computer screen.
"Jules", Sam sighed.
He wasn't quite sure how to continue.
Jules was still looking down at the ground, breathing rapidly from her sudden outburst.
"I know you've always wanted to be the best and to me, you are the best. You're the best girlfriend, the best lover, the best partner, my best friend and now I need you to be the best mother – the best mother that I know you can be. If you want to get back to where you were on the team then you will. I know you will. You'll have this baby, then you'll work your ass off to get back into shape and back onto the team. Nothing and nobody will stop you once you've set your mind on something."
They each stood there in silence. Letting his words wash over the both of them.
"This jealousy with Leah and the thought of losing some imaginary competition has to end now."
It was like a slap in the face. The wakeup call she needed.
"Say something, please?"
She slowly lifted her head in gazed into his pleading eyes.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I've been so selfish"
He pulled her into his arms again and hugged her tightly. Crushing her head into his chest, he placed light kisses over her face. Relishing in the moment where she had finely accepted his pleas.
"Shhh, No baby. Don't say that. We can fix it, we can work it out."
They stood there for a few minutes, savouring the peace and quiet they had in their little sanctuary.
"I'll tell Sarge" She whispered, finally breaking the silence.
"We'll both tell Sarge." He corrected her. Begging her to see that she wasn't in this alone.
"Tomorrow?" She asked. She was physically and mentally drained from today.
"Tomorrow" He accepted. Each knowing that it was going to really happen this time. There was no backing out.