DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything from the Twilight saga. Thank god.
Edward: Hey Bella, I brought you a birthday present.
Bella: A knife! Oh Edward, you shouldn't have! -cuts hand off- Oops…
Jasper: -lunges-
Edward: -shoves Bella out of the way and into an Iron Maiden-
ONE REALLY AWKWARD WEEK LATER
Edward: I'm leaving you, Bella.
Bella: What? Why?
Edward: Frankly… you're too fat and depressed. And I prefer strawberry blonds. -flits off into the forest-
24 ANGST-RIDDEN HOURS LATER
Bella: -cries hysterically-
Dr. Phil: And how does that make you feel?
Bella: -wails like a banshee, making several passerby's ears bleed-
Dr. Phil: Well. I'm afraid you have Obsessed With Sexy Vampires Disorder. It's quite common these days, and unfortunately the only cure is to hang out with sexy werewolves.
Bella: Yay!
Edward: Hey, I thought this was supposed to be about me!
Jacob: -raises hackles and growls threateningly-
Edward: -whimpers and backs into a corner-
Jacob: Bella?
Bella: Yeah?
Jacob: I love you, and you love me too.
Bella: Uh huh. Wait, I mean… I do? No I don't! -jumps off a cliff-
Edward: Bella, NOOO! -prepares for suicide, even though technically that's not even possible-
Bella: Edward, NOOO! –flails around until she crashes into him-
Jacob: Aww, damn. Not this again.