Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, own Harry Potter. If I did, I would be an insanely rich Scottish lady by the name of J.K. Rowling instead of a slightly insane girl from Kansas.
The Dark Lord walked into his bedroom, humming a song and thinking evil thoughts. He had just concluded a Death Eater meeting, where he discussed…okay, more like told…the plans of how Harry Potter was going to be destroyed with his followers. Seeing his wardrobe, he decided to change out of his menacing robes.
'Hmm…" he thought to himself, "what shall I wear? Scary robes? Dark robes? Creepy robes? No I wore those last week. I know, I'll wear my intimidating robes.'
He moved towards the dark cherry wardrobe, which was packed with identical black robes. As he reached to open the doors, the piece of furniture rattled.
"What on earth?"
Gripping his wand, he opened the door. For a moment, nothing happened. Then, out stepped a boy. A teenaged boy with short, messy black hair and green eyes, wearing a pair of school robes with a Gryffindor crest, who also went by the name of Harry Potter.
"Potter! What do you think you are doing here?!"
The boy continued to walk towards Voldemort, not saying a word. For every step that the boy took, Voldemort took one back.
"Answer me you insolent whelp!
"I am going to kill you Riddle," Potter said.
"Stupefy!"
Nothing, the spell hit Potter in the chest, but didn't affect him at all.
Hmm… "Avada Kedavra!"
Again nothing.
The wheels began turning. 'Not another boggart,' Voldemort thought. Picturing Harry Potter lying dead on the floor, he shouted, "Riddikulus!"
The apparition paused, spun around, and then changed form into…Harry Potter. However, this boggart stopped moving and spoke.
"Voldemort, I am your son."
"Nooooooooooooooo!"yelled the Dark Lord. Waving his wand he shouted again, "Riddikulus!"
The boggart again, stopped, spun around and popped into another form. It was again Harry Potter. This Potter's hair was stylishly mussed, as were his clothes, and his lips were kissed-swollen. In short, he looked as though he'd just been snogged.
"Tom," Potter said, looking at Voldemort lovingly, "I have something to tell you. I'm pregnant with your love child."
"What!!" "Riddikulus!"
Potter walked up to the Dark Lord and said, "Haven't you ever heard? Make love, not war."
He then jumped and wrapped his arms and legs around the Dark Lord. Kissing him, Potter pulled back and whispered into his ear. "I want you, I need you, I--"
"Riddikulus!"
Standing in front of him was Potter. Again. However, this Potter was wearing a wig of long blonde hair and a horrendous makeup job. He also had on a light blue spaghetti strapped halter top and a lime green mini skirt, with red heels.
Taking one look at the cross dressing Potter, Voldemort closed his eyes and shrieked, "Riddikulus!"
The boggart Potter had traded in the heels and makeup job for thigh high black leather boots and slightly better makeup. Potter walked up to Voldemort, who whimpered, remembering the last time the boggart did that.
"Hey there sugar? Looking for a ride?" Potter asked in a seductive voice. The Dark Lord's eyes bugged out. Looking him up and down, taking in the nose-less, snake face, bald head, and white skin, Potter said, "For you? 150 for an hour."
From another part of the manor, two death eaters were walking down the hall.
"So, Severus, how is the teaching going?" Lucius Malfoy asked.
His companion, Severus Snape, glanced at him and snorted. "The same as always Lucius. Classrooms filled with idiots, morons, and dunderheads. Draco is the only student that makes it almost worth getting up in the morning to teach. I can only thank Merlin that in four months, I'll be free of Potter and that menace Longbottom."
"Hmm, yes. You should be commended. Such dangerous work."
Severus was about to reply when a shrill shrieking sounded throughout the building. They looked at each other in askance, then began running towards the source. They slid to a stop before the doors to their lord's chambers. They glanced at each other, daring the other to open the door. Finally, Severus said, "Together?" Lucius nodded, "Together."
Together, they pushed open the doors and stared at the sight. Huddled on the floor in the fetal position, lay the feared Dark Lord Voldemort. Standing over him, was Harry Potter. But not just any Harry Potter, oh no. This Harry Potter was clad in a hot pink, frilly shirt, with tight leather pants. One hand was perched on his waist and the other was flung out, wrist limp.
"Now dahling," the boggart said, "there's no reason to be acting tha' way."
The huddled mass on the floor gave out a whimper before passing out.
Sighing, Lucius moved towards the boggart. The boggart spun around and changed into a mirror image of himself, with one difference. Instead of long, flowing white-blonde hair, the boggart Lucius had dirty, stringy hair, with a large, growing bald spot. Lucius shrieked and began running around, looking for a mirror to check that his hair was still in place.
Rolling his eyes, Severus stepped up to the boggart and waited for it to change. Suddenly, in front of him was a bubbling cauldron. Behind the cauldron, stood Neville Longbottom, one of the banes of the Potions master's existence. Calmly, Severus waved his wand and said, "Riddikulus."
The image was then joined by another figure, himself. The pseudo Severus stalked towards the pseudo Neville and calmly began strangling the poor boy. Once the boy lay dead at his feet, Severus wiped his hands and stepped over the boy and said, "One hundred points from Gryffindor, Mr. Longbottom."
Smirking at the image, Severus waved his wand and the boggart flew into a box that he had conjured a moment before. Looking over at Lucius who was still assuring himself that his flowing locks still existed, he said, "Lucius, please get a hold of yourself."
Clearing his throat, Lucius muttered, "Yes, right, of course. Did you take care of it then?"
Holding up the box, Severus looked down at the Dark Lord. "You'd think he'd learn by now to let us take care of the boggarts."
Snorting, Lucius remarked, "You'd think that he'd learn by now that you keep moving that boggart around to various places for him to find. What does this make, the sixth boggart he's 'found' in the past month?"
"I have no idea what you are talking about, Lucius."
"I'm sure." Reaching down, they each grabbed an arm and pulled Voldemort to his feet and led him to his bed. Severus took a calming potion from a pocket in his robes and forced it down the Dark Lord's throat. As they left the room, Lucius asked, "Why do you keep setting him up with that boggart anyway?"
"Amusement, Lucius, pure amusement."