It was a quiet night at the Davis household...except for Mrs. Davis's orgasms that could wake up the whole neighborhood.
Buzz Lightyear was wide awake in young Andrew Davis's bedroom, however. He was resting under his owner's bed, staring up at the old, crusty boogers and mold on the bottom of Andy's bed. Suddenly, one of the boogers dropped down into his eyeball and he shot up.
"My eye!" He gasped, trying to rip the booger out. He finally flicked it out and heard a snicker from the closet.
"Rex? Is that you?" Buzz asked, quietly crawling towards the cracked open closet door. Suddenly, the door flew open, but nothing was inside. "You're losing it Buzz..."
Suddenly, Bambi shot out from the darkness, his face painted like a nightmare-ish clown, and grabbed a hold of Buzz's neck with both hands.
"Miss me?" He grinned, and cackled. He kneed Buzz in the balls and Buzz gasped for air. Andy sat up from his bed.
"What's going on?"
"GO BACK TO BED, YOU LITTLE POOP LICKER!" Bambi screeched, and a knife shot out of his mouth and directly at Andy. The small child screamed and turned to run but the knife flew into his throat and pinned him to the head of his bed.
"ANDY! NO!" Buzz screamed, shooting up from his sleeping position. It was now bright and sunny out. "Just a dream..."
"HI BUZZ!" Somebody screamed and Buzz pooped himself.
"Aw, shit!" He grumbled.
"What's that smell?" Malibu Rachel asked, fanning the air by her nose as she crawled under the bed with Buzz.
"I don't smell anything!" Buzz lied.
"BUZZ, DID YOU CRAP YOURSELF AGAIN!?" Rachel screamed, alerting all the toys in the bedroom.
"Shh, quiet, Rachel!" Buzz pleaded.
"I TOLD YOU!! YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY CONSIDER INVESTING IN DIAPERS!"
All the toys in the bedroom by now were all pointing and laughing at Buzz. Rex was crapping uncontrollably all over the hardwood flooring and a G.I. Joe jeep sped by and slipped in the poop. The car spun out of control and crashed inside a pile of Mrs. Davis's diarrhea-stained thongs that had mushrooms growing on them. The G.I. Joe suffocated and died.
"That's enough!" A voice said abruptly, and the laughing ceased.
"Hello, Doctor McQuacker!!" An army man said quickly. A bright yellow rubber ducky hopped into Andy's bedroom, holding a clipboard under one wing, and his glasses in the other. He had on a serious expression.
"Are we all ready to begin today's group therapy session?" He asked the nearest toy, Hamm, his voice squeaking.
"Ready as we'll ever be, Doc."
"Very well then. Round the toys up, I'll be waiting at our usual spot."
Hamm alerted the other toys it was time for their group therapy for the day.
About 10 minutes later all the toys were gathered around a circle inside the Davis' attic.
"HAHAHAHA!! YOU ALL ARE STUPID WACKOS!!" A plastic, light-up Santa lawn ornament taunted all the toys in the therapy session.
"That's enough," Dr. McQuacker snapped, slamming the attic's door closed and waddling to his usual spot in the circle.
"YOU NO FUN, MR DUCKY."
"I've told you about a hundred times," The duck groaned. "It's McQuacker! Not 'ducky'! Just because that dumbass Molly named me Ducky doesnt mean it's my official name. Now I suggest you sit your little whitey ass down before I kick it so hard it'll-"
"DOCTOR!" Malibu Rachel interrupted. "The therapy session?"
Doctor McQuacker paused. "You're right. Back to reality, folks. How are we all doing this fine day?"
"TERRIBLE!!" Rex blurted out.
McQuacker got his clipboard ready. "How come?"
"ANDY'S BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP AND I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE HIM GETTING A COOLER TOY THAN ME!! I CANT HANDLE THE REJECTION!!"
"Who the HELL are you kidding, Rex?" Woody snapped. "Any toy is cooler than you. You're a plastic dinosaur. All you do is sit there and shit yourself."
"Like you're any better?" Rachel pointed out smirking.
About 6 months ago, Woody's body had been blown up. Thanks to the help of a Voodoo doll named Victor, Woody and the past (toy) victims of the Bambi toy-man slaughter were brought back to life...with some minor flaws.
Woody's head was now duct taped to a Barbie doll's body.
"Yeah, Woody!" Mr. Potatohead smirked. "You're a Transvestite cowboy. Like you should talk!"
"At least my girlfriend's not a fat ass!"
"At least I have one. That's right, we all heard that Bo Peep dumped your ass."
"YOU TOLD THEM!?" Woody screeched at Bo Peep.
Bo Peep, also a past victim, had been hot-glued back together, with a piece missing from her face...she had no left eye, and her body was full of noticeable cracks.
"That's right. Maybe now you'll think twice before calling me a slut."
"Well, I, for one, second Woody's notion of calling you a slut," Malibu Rachel smiled.
"You bitch-"
"I think we're getting a little carried away here," McQuacker quickly interrupted and the toys fell silent.
"YOU GUYS SUCK!!" Santa laughed.
"Can I say something?" Slinky spoke up after a moment. He had been torn apart brutally by Bambi, and was poorly taped together and now deformed.
"Go ahead," The rubber ducky got his pen ready, poised in his hand with the point nearly touching the paper.
"I would just like to add that we're most likely next week's garbage after Andy gets his new toys. Just look at us. We ain't exactly the sharpest looking turds in the toilet bowl..."
"Hey, yeah!" All the toys agreed.
"Guys! Are you all stupid?" Woody asked.
"OF COURSE THEY ARE!!" Santa cracked up, rolling around the attic floor laughing.
"Andy wouldn't just throw us away like that!"
"Maybe not us," Jesse pointed out. "But definitely you."
"Why me?" Woody snapped.
"Have you looked in a mirror lately? You're running around in a pink flowery dress with sparkly high heels! What 9 year old boy wants to play with that?"
The toys fell quiet until Rex farted rather loudly.
"Aw, gross! Prospector used to fart all those times he was raping me upside the wall back at the apartment in-" Jesse fell silent and stared at the gaping toys. "WHAT?" She snapped. "At least I ever got any!"
She had most of them there.
"Buzz, you seem quiet today?" McQuacker quickly changed the subject. "Everything alright?"
"Just a bad dream."
"Why don't you tell us about it?" The duck persisted, until they heard a car door slamming closed outside.
"YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE!! GO TO YOUR ROOM!!" A woman was heard screaming.
"I see Mrs. Davis is home," Rachel sighed.
"That concludes today's group therapy!" McQuacker said quickly.
"GET TO YOUR PLACES, EVERYBODY!" Woody yelled in a womanly voice and all the toys scrambled for the attic door and knocked it down and surfed on it down the flight of stairs.
"COW-A-BUNGA!" Rex screamed as loud as he could until the door flew into the hallway's wall and left a huge hole.
"If anybody asks, Molly did it!" Woody said. The toys all agreed and ran into Molly and Andy's bedrooms and into their spots.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT LOUD BANGING UPSTAIRS!?" Mrs. Davis screamed.
"HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW, IM RIGHT HERE YOU STUPID BITCH!" Andy hollered at his loving mother.
"THAT'S IT, NO DINNER AGAIN FOR YOU TONIGHT!"
"GOOD!" Andy screamed. "I'D RATHER STARVE THAN EAT THOSE HEAPING PILES OF SHIT YOU CALL FOOD!!"
"WHERE IS YOUR FATHER'S BELT!"
"UP YOUR ASS!"
"COME HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD, LET ME SLAP YOUR ASS SO HARD YOU'LL WISH YOU WERE NICE TO ME!"
"This never gets old," Rachel commented, laughing as Andy and his mommy continued to have a squabble.
Andy stormed up to his bedroom and slammed the door, dramatically bursting into tears on his bed sheets.
"Poor Andy!" Woody whispered to Rachel.
"Yeah, whatever. So when's his party?"
"The party guests are expected to arrive tomorrow afternoon," Woody said, smiling.
"Ok...I've never been to a birthday party!"
"WHO SAID YOU'RE INVITED?" Mrs. Potatohead snapped.
"Shut the hell up! You're such a fat ass!" Rachel yelled.
"How the hell did you get in here? Andy slammed the door closed!" Woody gasped.
"I have my ways," The potato lady smirked.
"Yeah, Molly threw her in her and forgot about her cause she sucks that much," Rachel smiled at Mrs. Potatohead.
"You bitch! Who told you!? How'd you know!?"
"I have my ways," Rachel winked.
"Well whatever! I'm still suffering trauma from my babies being blown up..."
"You'll get over it. They were weird anyway!" Woody said and applied some bright red lipstick. "DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS?"
"Yes," Mrs. Potatohead gagged.
"Well you're a fat ass."
"WHY IS EVERYBODY CALLING ME THAT!" The plastic potato cried and ran away.
"I don't know..." Buzz said suddenly.
"ABOUT WHAT?" Woody snapped. "I'm sorry, that was rude of me! HEY, THAT POTATO SAID I LOOKED FAT! Well she's fat anyway. Maybe I'm being too hard. Who cares? ANYBODY GOT A BANANA?"
"PMS much?" Rachel raised an eyebrow.
"AS I WAS SAYING!" Buzz continued. "I have this feeling that Bambi is coming back to haunt us!"
"Don't be silly, Buzz Light-beer! Bambi is dead and gone!" Malibu Rachel reassured the nervous space ranger.
"Yeah, I guess so..."
Meanwhile, in an abandoned construction site...
A pile of bricks and rubble sat in it's same spot for months... Until today.
A bloody hand rose slowly from the rubble, and there was a low groan.
"LIGHT...YEAR...LIGHT...YEAR..."