"Out on the Balcony"
"Don't do it."
"Make me."
Phil bit his lower lip as he moved a few steps closer to the balcony edge, where Bucky was perched.
"Please," he said. "Just come on away from there."
"What's the point?" Bucky muttered.
"I thought therapy was going well?"
He snorted. "It is."
"Then why—"
"Am I about to throw myself from the rooftop? Good question. Want the truth?"
"Yes," Phil said firmly.
"Huh. Usually you'd say somethin' like 'I wouldn't ask if I didn't wanna know the answer'."
"Time's of the essence here," Phil replied, and Bucky chuckled hollowly.
"Cause my time's up?"
"No, it isn't. Bucky, there's a… a procedure. If you get this depressed, you have to tell someone, not rely on JARVIS being a tattletale."
"Cameras can't see me here," Bucky said, frowning. Phil felt the blood drain from his face at the revelation that this was planned.
"He notified me when you were out of sight for too long."
"You?"
He shrugged. "I was the closest. We want you to stay safe, Bucky."
"Why're you only now calling me 'Bucky'? It's always been 'Sergeant Barnes', even when I said that you could… could call me…" He trailed off, and Phil moved closer while Bucky wasn't looking.
"I'm sorry," he said. "But don't end your life. We'd all miss you. I… I just try to be professional."
"You can't, though," Bucky said. "Not around Stark."
Phil lowered his head. "That obvious, is it?"
"To pretty much everyone except him. But he and Steve are too wrapped up to…" He swallowed deeply, and Phil leaned against the edge beside Bucky. "That's why."
"Why what?"
Bucky's jaw tightened momentarily, the moonlight reflected in his eyes. "They were… embracing. Not just a… a pat on the back, or a hug, but full-on… If they didn't have clothes on, they could've been screwing against the wall, they were that close…" He sniffed. It was loud in the still air.
"Oh," Phil said, his heart threatening to fall apart. "So it's true. They're… attracted to each other."
"That what you're callin' it, Agent Coulson? 'Attracted to'? They're so damn in love that we don't even register. Fuck, I should've told Steve how I felt before going to war, but I didn't want that hangin' over us if anything happened. `Sides, thought he was straight as an arrow, not bent like me."
"Bucky…"
"I can't keep up with all the terminology. Just lemme vent?"
"…Go ahead."
"Then when I got back, the first few weeks it was… you saw it! I really thought that after I got better, after all the conditioning was gone, I figured all those looks might-a meant somethin'. Turns out I imagined it, the whole fucking thing. Soon as I told him I didn't need a nanny anymore, he started hangin' out with Stark all the time."
"Yeah," Phil said. "They were together a lot before you came back. I thought they were just trying to get along…"
Bucky hung his head. "Seems it worked better'n expected."
Phil wanted to reach out and take Bucky's hand, but he was worried about any sudden movements. He looked up at the former Winter Soldier.
"You know what I think?" he said.
"What's that, Agent Coulson?"
"Call me Phil, for starters." Bucky's head jerked. "This tower is an armoury in disguise. I hate to think how many weapons you have access to. You have one of those old-fashioned razors – which, while it's very attractive, isn't safe for someone diagnosed with depression – and you chose to sit on the edge of the balcony for…" He checked his watch. "Sixteen minutes now. Faster ways to kill yourself, and you go for the one which would end with you splattered all over the pavement, or maybe an unfortunate passer-by." He cocked his head. "Not the most attractive way to go, is it? Only thing I can't work out is why you'd hide if you were trying to get the captain's attention." He rubbed the side of his hand against Bucky's. "Were you relying on JARVIS to tell? What if it wasn't me? What if you caught a cold? I swear it's gonna start raining soon."
"Calm down," Bucky said, hooking pinkies with Phil. "Not the best way to get him to notice me, huh?"
"It isn't. Now come down from there. No one's worth committing suicide over."
"Not even Captain America?"
"Not Captain America you're in love with," he pointed out. Bucky's shoulders slumped minutely. "Don't do this, Bucky. You have so much to offer. Shit." He rubbed his face with his free hand. "I know there are better ways to talk someone down, but they flew out of my head when I saw you here. Not that you were going to—"
"I was," Bucky said quietly. "I was gonna jump. Even brought this so if the fall got too much…" He opened the left side of his jacket, and Phil swallowed down bile when he saw the telltale bulge of a gun.
"No," he reiterated. Without another thought, he slipped one arm under Bucky's knees, wrapped the other around his back, and hauled him back over the railing. He nearly lost his grip when Bucky threw arms around him with a bark of laughter, and it was a relief to help him find his footing. Bucky was actually smiling when he caught Phil's eyes.
"Thanks," he said. "I don't know what I'll do when they tell everyone they're dating… or maybe they think we already know…"
"I won't let you try this ever again," Phil said. "But… promise you'll do the same thing for me? If it gets too…"
"Nah," Bucky said. "You'd never be stupid enough to kill yourself over Tony Stark."
"Not out of unrequited love," he muttered.
"Can I buy you a drink?" Bucky asked as Phil led him back to the door.
"Just a second," Phil said. "JARVIS?"
"Yes, Agent Coulson?"
"Please don't tell anyone about…"
"What the two of you said out on the balcony?"
"That's right."
"I will erase it from my data banks," JARVIS said.
"You're a pal, JARVIS," Bucky said.
"You're welcome, Sergeant Barnes. Agent Coulson."
Phil realised he still had an arm around Bucky's waist, and let it drop.
"You mentioned a drink?" he said.
"C'mon," Bucky said, linking arms with Phil. "I need something strong."
Steve swung his legs back and forth as he watched Tony fiddle with robot innards.
"Got nothing else to say about Howard," Tony said, dropping his screwdriver.
"Neither have I," Steve said. "I'm… I'm sorry, Tony. I had no idea what it was like. The guy I knew… he was a bit of a jerk, but I never would've pictured him the type to neglect his own son. And `cause of me."
"Well, can't put all the blame on you," he admitted. "It's been interesting to hear what he was like before. Still can't sympathise, but…"
"Nah, I don't blame you for that," Steve said. "People change, and that's life."
"Maybe he wouldn't have if you were around," Tony said with a shrug. He glanced at Steve. "Still. Butterfly effect. If your boyfriend hadn't killed my parents, who knows what might've happened with Afghanistan and Stane and…"
Steve smiled sadly. "It sucks that superheroes have such tragic back-stories."
"That must be what makes us 'super'," Tony said. Steve laughed. Then his smile froze.
"Boyfriend? Bucky's not my boyfriend. `Sides, it wasn't conclusively proven that Bucky was responsible…" Tony raised an eyebrow, and Steve sighed. "Anyway, not my boyfriend. Much as I… but it's not gonna happen."
"Not if you're spending so much time with me." Tony tapped him on the thigh. "Go, have a life."
"Says the guy who's head over heels for a certain agent we all know," Steve said, hopping down from the workbench. Tony scowled at him.
"I don't know what you're talking about," he said.
"Please, Tony. Don't lie to me. I love Bucky, and you've got feelings for Coulson."
"His name is Ph… don't change the subject."
"I've seen the way you look at him. We've all seen the way he looks at you."
"The way Barnes looks at you when you're not looking," Tony said. "When he stopped being dependent on you, it changed. He used to look lost. Now he looks like he's found what he's looking for." He pointed at Steve. "Newsflash: it's you, dumbass."
Steve exhaled shakily. "I don't think so."
"Because he doesn't let you catch him."
"Well… well what about you missing all the looks—"
"He finds me annoying," Tony said, holding up his hands. "Not appealing."
"Tony, we all find you annoying, but you can be endearing, too. He looks at you with longing. Every time you flirt with someone else his lips go down at the sides, and he looks away like it hurts him to see it."
"And every time someone comes on to you, Barnes goes from murderous to despairing to resigned like my suit goes from zero to sixty in two seconds," Tony snapped. "Doesn't mean that Phil deserves to be saddled with someone like me. I'm a train-wreck; he needs someone steady, who'll shower him with attention, and I'm not the kind…" He sighed heavily. "If I thought that I'd be good for Phil, I'd ask him to dinner. But I'm not good for him, so I don't say a word."
"Not one single word?" Steve asked, tilting his head and smirking. Tony eyed him.
"I never should've given you the complete classic Disney collection," he said. Steve snorted with laughter, and clapped a hand over his mouth. Tony's lips twitched, and soon they were both laughing. Tony squeezed Steve's shoulder, and Steve patted his hand where it rested, supporting himself against the workbench as he tried to stop laughing. They both looked up when the door slid open. It was Bucky, with Phil not far behind him. Phil was looking away, and Bucky cleared his throat, casting his gaze to the floor.
"Just wanted to let you know we were going out for drinks," he said. "Need anything from the twenty-four hour store `round the corner? It'll be quicker than ordering."
"Uh, no, we're good, aren't we, Steve?" Tony said, and his other hand touched Steve's upper back as he smiled at Bucky. "Thanks for the offer."
"We'll call you if we think of something," Steve said. Bucky nodded shortly, and he and Phil left. Steve and Tony watched them go, then stepped back from each other.
"Good talk," Tony said, picking up a socket wrench.
"Speaking of Disney, I've got a date with Tangled," Steve said, pushing himself from the workbench.
"Haven't you watched it already?" Tony asked over his shoulder as Steve headed for the door. He grinned.
"Third time," he said.
"Ah," Tony said, nodding. "Don't forget that you're allowed to read smutty fan fiction of it after the third date… I mean, 'viewing'."
"Gee, that's good to know, Tony. Thanks so much for that."
Tony waved Steve off, who headed for the elevator, rolling his eyes.
Phil had a device to wipe out nearby bugs, so they were good once they ordered their drinks and sat at a corner table. They could keep their eyes open for threats without it looking like they were doing anything other than talking.
"Something's been gnawing at my mind for… well, ever since you mentioned it," Bucky said, tracing condensation down the side of the glass.
"What was that?" Phil asked, intrigued. The cheeky little smile should've been a hint.
"You said somethin' `bout an old-fashioned razor," he said casually. "How hot it was."
Phil cleared his throat, feeling his cheeks grow warm. "I don't know why. I just think there's something about a straight razor… then the SHIELD agent in me rears its head."
"`Cause it makes a dangerous weapon, huh? The paperclip rumour, though… you can turn anything into a weapon."
"Anything can be used as a weapon with some imagination," Phil said. "Or desperation."
Bucky chuckled, before taking another sip of beer. Phil sighed, and twisted his glass back and forth on the wooden tabletop.
"So how was life going for you before your attempt to…" Bucky grimaced.
"Okay," he said. "Trainin', savin' people, goin' to therapy. You met my counsellor?"
"Who, Sam Wilson? I recommended him myself. I'm one of his patients."
Bucky nudged Phil's foot under the table. "Sometimes we forget how much you look out for us. Look at me, ex-assassin, gettin' over brainwashing, an' you stayed up watchin' me while I recovered in hospital. You keep spare clothes for Bruce, spare ammunition for me an' Natasha, spare everything. You're our nurse, you mean everything to—"
"Not to… Tony, though," Phil said, his shoulders drooping.
"The guy doesn't know what he's missing," Bucky said. "I'm tellin' you, Phil, there are a lotta people who look up t' you. Like you look up to Steve." Phil narrowed his eyes when Bucky's reassuring smile turned to a smirk.
"Didn't see me fanboying all over you," he said. "I got rid of the worst impulses when I met your friend. I admire you, but I don't embarrass myself over it, which is a relief."
"Aw." Bucky tilted his head. "You're be adorable. What are those pictures called, cute little animals with big eyes?"
"…Chibi?"
"That's it. A little chibi Phil Coulson jumpin' up an' down," Bucky said, leaning forward and resting his chin on his hands, "holdin' a bunch-a tradin' cards, an' those pink lines on your cheeks to show your blush."
"Bucky…"
"Didja know there are pictures of chibi Avengers?" Phil cleared his throat, and Bucky's smile grew. "You do, huh? I've gotta corrupt Steve into it."
"Or you could get a book on how to draw them," Phil said.
"They have those?"
"I'll find one for you."
"Aw, no, Phil, you don't have to—"
"Nonsense," Phil said. "You're one of my people. It'll give you something to do."
"A hobby," Bucky said.
"Yes."
"So I have another reason not to kill myself?"
Phil was thumbing his phone screen, but he paused as he met Bucky's eyes. "Yes."
Bucky thought about it. "Sounds good."
Steve was so unused to Bucky going out and socialising that he went to his friend's floor to say goodnight, only to discover that he and Phil hadn't returned yet. Worried, he waited up until JARVIS informed him that Bucky was back. He leapt up and poked his head around the door just as the elevator doors slid open.
"Thanks for the drink," Phil said, patting Bucky's left arm. Steve gaped; Bucky was usually sensitive about people touching his prosthesis. "We should do it again."
"I'm there," Bucky said.
"And I'll get that book for you, plus supplies."
"Phil, you don't have to…"
"Nope." 'Phil' pointed at him. "You bought the drinks, Bucky. Let me do this."
Bucky and Phil? Since when were they on a first-name basis? Steve didn't know whether to draw back into the room and pretend he'd been there the whole time, or wait for them to take their eyes off each other and notice him.
"See ya tomorrow, then," Bucky said. He gave Phil a one-armed hug, quickly putting his hand out before the doors could close.
"Have a nice sleep, Bucky."
"I will now," Bucky said, waving back as the doors slid shut. He turned, and finally saw Steve. "Oh, hey. Did you need me for something?"
He shook his head. "Just came to say goodnight. And, uh, have nice dreams."
"I'm sure you will," Bucky said. Steve couldn't figure out the look on his face, and it damn near drove him nuts as Bucky brushed past.
"Okay," he said, confused. `Night."
"`Night, Steve."
The door closed behind him, and Steve was left wondering what just happened.
It became a common sight, Bucky with a sketchpad and the book Phil had bought for him. If he wasn't in his room or the common area, he was in the Stark Industries lobby (until people complained about his 'creepy stare') or a nearby park. Sometimes Steve went with him, but Phil received more invitations to the park than anyone else.
Bucky made up for his reclusive behaviour by drawing the Avengers, their friends, even family the time Odin and Frigga visited. (He also drew chibis of the villains they fought, sending them comic strips of their defeats. He got a kick out of annoying their enemies.) The people he gave gifts to were charmed, especially as his technique improved. He put his other skills to good use, leaving little notes with pictures in unexpected places, to bemuse and delight his… well, he didn't call them friends yet, but close.
Phil kept a scrapbook of everything Bucky drew for him, even the shaky, early attempts that Bucky threw away (or so he'd thought). It cheered him on lonely nights, especially if there'd been a gala where Tony was flirting his way through the crowds, or when he'd been arguing with Steve to the point where the furious sexual tension was thick. On those occasions, he and Bucky retreated to the bar, and Bucky doodled on the backs of disposable coasters. He never noticed Phil swiping the coasters, or the paper napkins at cafes if Bucky drew something he considered worthless.
The point was, he catalogued every drawing, noting where and when it was done, and he saw a clear progression. He doubted that Bucky wanted to make a living out of it – it was more a hobby than anything else, the original intention – but practise made perfect, and Bucky practised a lot. His face lit up whenever Phil complimented him, or thanked him for another picture. He kept the scrapbook secret, used it to distract himself whenever jealousy threatened to overwhelm him. A flip through the pages, seeing chibi Phils performing various tasks, laughing over the little comic strips Bucky had made of him in action. Ones like him singing at karaoke night, or sparring with Natasha, or flopping onto Bucky's sofa after a long day at SHIELD.
They were adorable, and he wished there was some way he could repay Bucky for such generosity. Yes, he'd bought the book and the first sketchpad and pencils, but Bucky bought subsequent supplies.
There had to be something he could do. But what?
"Cap, I know you grew up with all those taboos," Clint said. "But we seriously don't care. Just `fess up already."
Steve froze for a couple of seconds. They knew.
"Well…" He sighed. "I guess I've been kind of obvious, haven't I?"
"Try neon signs, both of you," Bruce said.
"Both?" Was Tony right? "What do you mean, both of us?"
"If you were worried, don't be," Natasha said, sharpening one of her knives. "He returns your feelings. We've all seen it. And if you're already together, you definitely don't have anything to worry about. We'll support you if you want to make it public."
"Think of all the fangirls who called it," Clint added. "Their heads will explode."
"How… how long have you known?" Steve asked.
"That you were together, or that you had feelings for him?" Natasha said.
"We're not in a relationship," he said. "Not yet. One day, maybe, if he really does—"
"He does," Bruce said. "Trust us on this one. Everyone's noticed the tension between the two of you." Really? Steve didn't think there'd been any tension. "Sexual tension."
"…Oh." Steve blushed. He hadn't noticed that, but some people couldn't see what was right in front of them. What an idiot he'd been. "So if I asked him…?"
"Stark would go out with you in a heartbeat," Natasha said. Steve's world ground to a halt, but she was still concentrating on her blades. "You two make enough of a spectacle of yourselves. It'll be good for you to turn that passion into something else."
"T-Tony?"
"Yeah," Clint said, juggling oranges from the bowl on the coffee table. Bruce paused in flipping through a science magazine, and his gaze zeroed in on Steve. "Oh, come on. You hang out with him so much that we thought something would happen. Then Barnes turned up, but as soon as he wasn't dependent on you anymore, you went straight back to haunting Tony's workshop. Now just do what everyone's been predicting, and go make out with the genius who lives downstairs."
Steve's stomach flipped. Did Tony have a crush on him? "But… it's not…"
"Or you can wait until the second date—"
"It's not him, is what Steve's saying," Bruce said, studying Steve, who could only nod in return. "You paled when Clint mentioned Barnes. Is it Bucky you have feelings for?"
"I've loved him as long as I can remember," Steve whispered.
"But…" Clint looked confused, his head tilted. "You and Stark are always either arguing, or spending alone time together. We just thought—"
"You think arguing is a good basis for a relationship?" Steve said incredulously. "An abusive one, maybe, but if you're yelling at someone it doesn't automatically mean you wanna jump into bed with them! I'm always telling you guys off if you do something stupid out in the field where you could've gotten yourself killed! And what about when I shout at Fury to leave us alone? Do you think I wanna jump his bones as well?"
"…Bruce, you'd better develop brain bleach," Clint said, glancing at Bruce.
"It was an erroneous assumption," Natasha said, putting down her last knife and the sharpening block. "Perhaps you should discuss this with him?"
"And then talk to Bucky," Bruce said. "Because nearly all of us have taken bets about when you and Tony were going to get together, or whether you already were."
"Everyone loses those bets," Clint said, throwing the oranges back into the bowl. "Go on, Cap. We're sorry we thought you and Stark were pining for each other."
"You'd look spectacular together, though," Natasha said. "Have you seen the fan art?"
"People see what they wanna see," Steve said, standing up. "Shit, what a… D'you really think Bucky thinks I'm for Tony? `Cause that wouldn't be… that's not good."
"Not if he thinks you're unavailable and tries to find someone else," Bruce muttered as Steve strode to the elevator.
"Super soldier hearing, Bruce!" Steve replied over his shoulder.
Tony was bent over some project or other, so Steve had to wait until the welding was done before he could get the engineer's attention.
"Think we've run out of things to talk about," Tony said. Steve had to tread carefully.
"Is that… the only reason you wanted to spend time with me?" he asked tentatively.
"It's not like we've got much in common, Capsicle. To tell the truth, if we didn't have Howard in common, there'd be nothing else. We don't get along pretty much… ever."
"That's not… uh, sexual tension, is it?" Steve said.
Tony glared at him out of the corner of his eye. "The hell are you talking about?"
"Only it seems that everyone else is under the misapprehension that we have… feelings for each other," he continued. "I don't see it, and frankly? If we were together I think we'd go nuts, but that could just be my opinion."
"What the fuck made them think…?" Tony said, wide-eyed.
"Well, how many of us know anything about healthy relationships?"
"…Point."
"D'you think we have chemistry?"
Tony snorted. "No. Besides, you're in love with Barnes, not me."
"I know," Steve said, his shoulders slumping. "And if Bucky and Coulson think we're in love with each other, then they won't…"
"Know we're available," Tony finished. "Damn." He sighed, leaning back against the table. "Chemistry? I don't see it."
"Someone must've," Steve muttered.
"C'mere."
He looked up as Tony stepped closer. "What?"
"I wanna prove `em wrong. Let's kiss." Steve was unsure. "Think how much it'd piss off Howard if he was here."
Steve snorted in amusement. "Okay. Lay one on me."
They leaned in, and Steve tipped Tony's chin up with a single finger. They awkwardly pressed their lips together, and Steve peeked at Tony, who was watching him. He pulled back, and resisted the urge to wipe his mouth.
"No zing," he said. "Right?"
"That'd almost turn me strictly heterosexual, if it wasn't for Phil," Tony said. "No offence, but that didn't do it for me."
"Me neither," Steve said, and he chuckled uncertainly. "This is ridiculous. I think we're gonna have to set the record straight."
"I guess we were spending a lot of time together," Tony said, playing with the mask he should've been wearing while he welded. "And intense arguments could've been misconstrued as UST. Unresolved Sexual Tension," he clarified.
"Whereas it's just `cause we rub each other up the wrong way," Steve said.
"And not in a fun way."
"Shut up, Stark."
Bucky finished showering, and walked into the main area of the gym, bag slung over his back. The elevator opened a couple of floors after Bucky hit the button, and he brightened when he saw Phil inside.
"Hey, where are you headed?" Bucky asked, striding into the elevator.
"Down," Phil said as Bucky pressed the button for his level. He sagged against the wall.
"Oh," he said. "So you're going out?"
"Birthday shopping for Pepper."
"Ah, shit. Do I have to get something?"
"I can help you. I prefer to visit stores, rather than rely on the internet."
"When's her birthday?"
Phil winced. "Day after tomorrow. I've been busy."
"Glad I ran into you, then," Bucky said, elbowing Phil's side gently. "I wouldn't have known otherwise."
"JARVIS lets me know."
"Well, hey, wait in the lobby and I'll go get my wallet."
Phil smiled. "I'll go with you, actually. JARVIS?"
"Redirecting the elevator now, sir."
"Thanks," Bucky said. "You wanna make sure I don't get lost?"
"Not at all," Phil said. "But I didn't think to ask the others. Used to doing this alone, and I'm sure they've all had time. But just in case, I should find out what they're doing."
"Aw." Bucky pouted, even as they arrived at his floor. "I can't have you all to myself?"
Phil followed Bucky into his apartment, chuckling. "JARVIS, where is everyone?"
"Prince Thor is still away with Dr. Foster, Dr. Selvig, and Miss Lewis," the AI said. "Sir and Captain Rogers are in the workshop. The others are in the common area."
Phil switched on the television, and used the remote to find the security cameras. He saw that Bruce, Natasha, and Clint were lazing around, and that Tony and Steve were talking.
"The three in the common area," Phil said. "My agents and the doctor. Have they found presents for Miss Potts?"
"I can ask them for you, Agent Coulson."
But Phil had suddenly become riveted by the security footage of the workshop. Tony was moving nearer to Steve. As soon as they leaned in, he heard Bucky make a small noise from behind him. Phil glanced from Bucky back to the TV, and saw Steve and Tony kiss each other. He immediately switched the screen off again, overwhelmed by a mass of confused feelings. He dropped the remote onto the sofa.
"On second thoughts, I think it'll just be us," Phil said, clenching his hands to keep his emotions under control. He wasn't up to making light talk with the others. He barely knew what to say to Bucky.
"Shopping sounds good," Bucky murmured, and Phil met his eyes. They were shining with moisture. "Then maybe we can grab a drink afterwards?"
"Best idea ever," Phil said, and he held out his hand. Bucky caught hold of it, and they headed back to the elevator, leaving behind silence.
Natasha frowned at the ceiling. "Why won't you tell us where they are?" she asked.
"Agent Coulson and Sergeant Barnes requested that they not be disturbed," JARVIS said, a hint of reproach in his voice. "Events transpired in such a way that they wished to spend time away from the tower together, although they had already planned to go out."
"What events?" Clint said, crossing his arms as he stood beside Natasha.
"It is a personal matter, Agent Barton," the AI replied. "If you wish, I can inform you upon their return, so that you will stop worrying."
"Thanks, JARVIS," Bruce said, pinching the bridge of his nose. Steve's shoulders slumped, and Tony headed to the bar. Natasha grabbed him by the arm.
"They're safe," she said. "Do you really think anyone could take out either of them while the other is there?"
"I was gonna talk to Phil," Tony said. "It'll have to wait until morning now."
"That's only half a day from now," Clint said. "And you'll be sleeping for most of it."
"Wanna bet?" Tony muttered, and he walked out of the room. Steve sighed.
"I'll have to wait to see Bucky," he said. "He's not answering his phone. The messages I've sent, the calls I've tried to make. He doesn't wanna talk to me. What did I do?"
"We all made mistakes," Natasha said, patting his hand. "But tomorrow is a new day. You can start afresh, no more misunderstandings."
Bucky and Phil didn't come back until nearly three a.m., and the Avengers were on edge until JARVIS told them. Over breakfast, Steve only ate because of his high metabolism, and Tony existed on coffee to the point where he was jittery.
"Aren't they coming down yet?" Steve asked, chewing on a nail.
"They did return late last night," JARVIS said.
"I don't need reminding. Where are they?"
There was a pause. Then JARVIS replied, "In Sergeant Barnes's bed."
Tony dropped his mug, and it shattered, the hot liquid spilling over his bare feet, but he didn't make a sound. Steve covered his mouth, and Clint and Natasha glanced at each other. Bruce face-palmed.
"Can we see it?" he asked. JARVIS brought up the security footage of Bucky and Phil stumbling out of the elevator on Bucky's floor, holding onto each other and obviously laughing, both with shopping bags over their arms. JARVIS let them in, and the view changed to Bucky's living room. They dumped their bags on the sofa, laughing again, only to shush each other in an over-the-top fashion. Obviously still drunk, or at least tipsy, they held on to keep themselves upright, and Bucky whispered (or possibly shout-whispered) to Phil. He nearly fell against Bucky, who supported him as they entered the bedroom, shedding jackets on the way. JARVIS was only obliged to show others footage of the bedrooms and bathrooms if there had been or was an attack.
"What happened next?" Steve said softly.
"D'you really wanna know?" Clint said. Natasha smacked his arm, and he smacked her arm in return. "What?"
"I do not have permission from either Sergeant Barnes or Agent Coulson to show the video of anything which happened in the bedroom during the night," JARVIS said.
"Of all the times for you to side with them over me," Tony said, scowling at the ceiling. "I am simply following the protocols you and Miss Potts established when I was installed in the tower, sir. The two men are still in bed. They are only now awaking."
"I think we've heard enough," Natasha said. "Thank you, JARVIS."
"Not at all, Agent Romanov."
Something was different. Bucky spent a minute cataloguing the details before he even opened his eyes: wearing more clothes than usual; socks on his feet; watch on his wrist; in an undignified sprawl; someone else in the bed. He flexed his feet, and his right foot turned out to be partially up someone else's long pants, trailing up what felt like a hairy shin. His bed partner froze, breathing turning quieter and heart-rate speeding up. Bucky cracked his eyes open, and Phil – Phil? – opened his barely a split second later. They widened briefly before he relaxed. Bucky realised that their fingers were entangled, his right and Phil's left, but he wasn't in any hurry to let go.
"Hi," Bucky said hoarsely, and winced at the sound of his own voice.
"Hello," Phil said.
"How are you?"
"I haven't been awake long enough. Give me a minute."
Bucky glanced around. "JARVIS, could you up the lighting a little?" The room came into dim view. "Thanks. This is definitely my place, unless we have the exact same—"
"Tastes in interior design?" Phil concluded. "No, not my room. We must've been too tired after shopping. JARVIS, when did we get in?"
"Approximately three a.m., sir."
"Well, shit," Bucky said, rolling onto his back. He missed the warmth of Phil's hand in his. Damn, he'd been alone for too long. "We got something for Pepper, didn't we?"
"Mmm-hmm." Phil stretched. "Sorry about this."
"Eh, I don't mind," Bucky said dismissively. "Nice to wake up with someone else."
"Even if it's just me?" Phil asked. Bucky chuckled.
"Aw, especially you, Phil," he said. "Not a bad way to wake up at all."
"No wonder you charmed all the girls back in the day," Phil said dryly. "With lines like that, I'm surprised you're not already married."
"Who could I have married back then? Couldn't have married St…" He trailed off, remembering the kiss they'd seen the previous night, and rubbed his sleepy eyes.
"I hate reality sometimes," Phil said. Bucky glanced at him, but Phil's expression was impressively neutral for someone who'd only been awake for two or three minutes.
"Least we've got each other," Bucky said.
"And wrapping to do before tomorrow."
"Y'know, if I was plannin' to seduce you, that would've been the perfect opportunity to say something about unwrappin' you."
Phil snorted in laughter. "Please don't."
"You don't wuv me?"
"Course I do, Bucky. You're my be… my friend."
"Your best friend?"
He shrugged. "It's not like I have many friends, and I spend the most time with you."
"An' that's the only reason?"
"That, and I don't want to be anybody's rebound. Been there, done that, got the shirt."
"Phil…"
"I'm glad we're still dressed. Good thing I didn't wear a tie, or I could've choked."
Bucky shook his head. "I would've noticed that, an' saved your life. Would've given you the kiss-a life if I had to." He winked, and Phil rolled his eyes, smiling.
"I'd better get up," he said.
"Can't you stay a couple more minutes?"
Phil looked over Bucky's shoulder, checking the alarm clock. "We're late enough. I need to get up to my room and get ready for the day, and so do you."
"I can't get ready for the day in your room," Bucky said, giving Phil his best innocent look. "All my clothes are in here."
Phil shoved him gently. "Cheeky."
Bucky pounced with a laugh, slightly hampered by the sheets they were tangled in. Phil pushed him back, and Bucky pulled him down for a tickle. He loved dragging unexpected laughs out of Phil, who managed to pin Bucky down. Bucky could've easily thrown him off, but he wanted to make Phil wait, and then strike when his guard was down. Mean, but they were friends; he could get away with…
"Do you plan to let me go anytime soon?" Phil asked softly.
"I'm not holdin' you down, Phil."
"…Oh." He looked surprised. "No, you're n—"
It was a good time to flip him, so Bucky didn't hesitate. With a swift roll, Phil was on his back, Bucky hovering over him. He did pause for a second, but then dipped his head and caught Phil's mouth. His lips parted, which Bucky took as a clear invitation to deepen the kiss. Phil was so warm… and full of surprises. He took advantage of Bucky's distraction to roll them over and take charge. Bucky gasped, and arched under his touch.
"No!" Phil raised his head, breathing heavily. "No rebounds. I told you that."
"Sorry," Bucky said, chest heaving. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Phil. Dunno what I was thinking."
"You wanted human contact, and I was there."
"No, that's not it." Bucky placed a hand over Phil's racing heart, and sighed deeply. "I love you, Phil. Like a friend. After Steve, you're my best friend."
"The key here is Steve," Phil said. "Steve and Tony. They're together, and now we know it. We saw…"
"Them kissing."
"Which hurt us. We drank too much last night."
Bucky smiled half-heartedly. "Serum's burnt off the alcohol already," he said. "Clear head. Lucky me."
"If it's any consolation, years of being a SHIELD agent has trained me not to be too affected," Phil said. "I know my limits, know how much I can exceed them without paying for it in the morning. And once you know pain intolerance headaches are less of a bother. Unless they're Tony Stark-induced headaches."
"Or heartaches," Bucky said.
"Yeah," Phil said. Bucky stroked his side.
"Still friends, right?"
"Of course," Phil said. "The things I've done with Barton and Romanov… and I'm still friends with them."
Bucky grinned. "Wanna shower?"
"Yes," Phil said. "In my quarters." He patted Bucky on the chest. "Don't stay in bed for too long, or the breakfast bar will become the brunch bar."
"Yes, sir," Bucky said, saluting.
"Or…"
"Yeah?"
Phil cleared his throat. "We could go out for brunch? I've got the day off, and unless some emergency crops up, we both have free time."
Bucky nodded. "Okay."
It was awkward, though, after they placed their order. Admittedly, they didn't usually go out this early in the day; and considering they'd gone from sharing a bed to getting dressed to going out, nothing had happened in the meantime for them to talk about. Phil looked at his hands as much as he kept an eye on the door, and Bucky didn't know what to do with his feet. They kept brushing against Phil's, which took him back to waking up entangled, and the silence between them was getting to him.
"I thought we were gonna be okay," he said.
"We are," Phil said, without conviction.
"We're not living in a romantic comedy."
"I know."
"Are you going to say more than two words at a time to me?"
Phil's smile was sly. "I could do."
Bucky rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean, asshole."
"Well, when do you want to wrap Pepper's presents?"
"Sometime today," Bucky said, and then he cringed. "Obviously."
"Do you need my help?"
Bucky sure as hell swore enough whenever tape got stuck to the arm. He smiled ruefully.
"Might be good," he said. "This evening, though. I might go to a park this afternoon, do some more drawing. I know I'm nowhere near as good as Steve, but his stuff's s'posed to look real. Mine's just supposed to look cute." He shrugged a shoulder. "I've been working on something big. A group portrait, everyone we know."
"Will you show me when it's done?"
"Mmm-hmm." Bucky had taken a pencil from his pocket and was doodling on a paper serviette while they waited for their food. "Don't I always?"
"I love your drawings."
He smiled, not looking up. "Thanks, Phil. It means a lot to me. Your fault I started drawing, of course."
"I regret nothing."
"No." Bucky glanced at Phil, who was staring at Bucky's pencil. "Neither do I."
It was the first time he noticed Phil grab a napkin and stuff it in his back pocket. It was the one Bucky had been scribbling on. Had… had he done that before, or was this a first?
"Glad Coulson told us about Pepper's birthday, or we would've only just found out," Clint mumbled, tugging ribbon into place. His gift for Pepper was wrapped beautifully, but he kept fiddling until it looked kind of right, or as good as it was going to get.
"Thor and our scientists sent me on ahead to get started," Darcy said, not even bothering with ribbon. She just slapped gift tags onto the roughly-wrapped parcels. "D'you think they'll be okay without me to wrangle `em?"
"It's Pepper's birthday," Bruce said. "They respect her enough to show up."
"Yeah, but on time?" she grumbled. "The party's tonight. Say, where's Agent iPod Thief and Bionic Guy?"
"Not back from the park yet," Steve said. "Bucky said they wrapped their presents last night. I think they're bringing extra snacks on their way home."
"I'm sure they're not dating," Natasha said. She'd filled Darcy in on the drama of the past few days. "I've never noticed that kind of tension between them—"
"Maybe because pre-relationship tension isn't necessarily an indicator," Bruce said when it looked like Steve was about to snap at her. "Maybe they're just happy? If they were together, which they probably aren't," he added quickly. "There was only that one night, and they were obviously drunk."
"As drunk as either of them can get," Darcy agreed. "They're both too old-fashioned to stick to a… 'bed buddies' kind of arrangement. Either they're gonna date or they're not."
"…Thanks, Darcy," Clint said. "I'm sure that made Steve and Tony feel better."
"Well, if you'd snapped `em up when you had the chance," she said, shrugging. "That's all I'm saying."
"Hindsight is twenty-twenty," Tony said, staring out the window from his armchair.
"Why don't you just go ask them to the party?"
"We've all had invitations," Steve said. Darcy rolled her eyes, and nearly trapped her fingers in sticky tape.
"As your dates," she said slowly, trying to unstick herself. "You can ask them to dance with you as well. If it was New Year's Eve, you could've kissed them at midnight."
"Can't hurt to try," Bruce pointed out as Steve and Tony considered it silently. "Ask them out, then you'll know for sure."
"J, where are they?" Tony asked.
"In their respective quarters, sir," JARVIS replied.
"Let's go," Steve said, standing up military straight. He followed Tony to the elevator, and they got in as soon as the doors opened.
Phil had lined up his ties on his bed, trying to decide on one for Pepper's party, when JARVIS informed him that Tony was waiting in the living room. Surprised and suspicious, he left his bedroom and went through to the lounge.
"What have you done now?" he asked, making Tony jump.
"What makes you think I've done anything?" Tony said, scowling. "I can't be sociable?"
"You only visited the day I moved in," Phil said. It hurt, but he'd accepted it as an indication that the man would never return his feelings.
"I'm visiting now," Tony said.
"Why?"
"…To ask if you're taking anyone to the party tonight? As your plus one?"
"No," Phil said. Perfectly true. He and Bucky were accompanying each other as friends, not as dates, so it would seem slightly less pathetic than turning up alone.
"You're going alone? Great!"
"Mr. Stark—"
"D'you want to go with me?" Tony said. Phil's world screeched to a halt.
"What?" he said.
"As a… y'know, as a friend."
"I'm already going with Bucky as a friend," Phil said.
"That's all you are to each other?" Tony asked. Phil cocked his head.
"Yes," he said. "Why do you ask?"
"Because… maybe less than…"
"Mr. Stark, what are you talking about?"
"Or not as friends," Tony said.
"…You're going to have to clarify that. Because you and Captain Rogers—"
"We're not together, okay? I don't know why everyone thinks we're perfect for each other, when we'd tear each other to pieces within three days."
"So I'm not the only one who thinks that," Phil muttered. He sighed. "I don't know, either. But why would you ask me to go with you 'not as friends'? I didn't even know we were friends, and what does 'not as friends' even mean—?"
"As a date," Tony said through gritted teeth.
"…What?"
"It's been… indicated that you might have… feelings for me. If you wanted, we could go to the party together and… I don't know… see if we click?"
Phil's heart nearly stopped. He stared at Tony, who looked at the floor instead, and tried to wrap his mind around the concept of Tony Stark asking him on a date. To Tony's ex-girlfriend's birthday party, no less. Why would he do this? Phil had no reason to think he was serious, and considering they'd all thought Steve and Tony were in love, and that Phil had woken up in Bucky's bed the other morning… It was a lot to process.
"I'll… I'll have to ask Bucky first," he mumbled. "See whether… he's okay with it."
"Why do you need to ask him?" Tony said. "You can make up your own mind, Phil."
"It's 'Phil' now, is it? Not 'Agent'?"
"I always call you 'Phil'!"
"When?"
Tony's mouth opened and closed for a few seconds.
"Just… not to your face," he finally said. Phil suppressed the urge to snap at him.
"I need to check with Bucky because we'd planned to go together, and it's not fair to him to accept your invitation without—"
"If you don't want to go with me, say so," Tony said.
Phil tried to remember whether the billionaire had smiled since the conversation started, but he couldn't recall one instance. If they'd ever been friends, which he doubted, it was vitriolic at best. Phil regretted that time he'd threatened to tazer Tony, which had become an in-joke in the snarkiest way possible. Would their relationship, if that's what Tony wanted (assuming this wasn't a joke or pity date), turn sour? Phil wanted something where he could laugh freely, where he only ever drew smiles from his partner. He knew the man behind the Tony Stark mask, and he loved him. Would've given anything for this to have happened a month, even two weeks ago. But he couldn't take it on faith.
"I'll call Bucky," Phil said, pulling out his phone. Tony nodded, shoulders hunched.
"Cap's with him at the moment," he said. "Maybe a message instead?"
"…Why is Captain Rogers with him?" he asked, starting a new text.
"Same thing I am. He's asking Barnes to the party."
"Oh." Phil's thumb hovered over the screen. "Okay."
"And he'll probably say yes."
"He would." Phil swallowed the aching lump in his throat. He deleted the draft, and shoved his phone back into his pocket. "I need to know why you want this. Me."
"Because you're you," Tony said, stepping towards him. "You're Phil Coulson. You're the guy who threatened to knock me out so I wouldn't leave the house until I'd cured myself. The guy who saved Pepper's life. The guy we banded together to avenge after Loki killed you. You're our handler—"
"That's my job."
"I can't… I can't put it in words. But I want to try something with you, Phil."
"And how am I supposed to know this isn't a joke?" he said, walking to the window which looked out over New York City.
"You think I'd do that?"
"Your sense of humour could stretch to it," Phil said. "I'm not implying that you'd be deliberately cruel to someone you call a friend…"
"And sure as hell never to you," Tony said.
"But we saw you kiss."
"We wanted to see whether people were right about us having chemistry. But we don't."
Tony placed a hand on Phil's shoulder, and Phil covered it with his own. Tony's skin was undeniably warm, and he looked the man over, noting the casual wear and remnant of tape on his left knee. He stroked his thumb along the side of Tony's hand, heart thumping as he checked their reflection in the glass. It reminded him of the day Bucky almost killed himself, when they'd walked in on Steve and Tony touching like this. It hadn't looked anywhere near as intimate as this, but it had been enough to make Phil wish that he was the one joking around with Tony. Thing was, they didn't joke with each other. Tony would make some wise-ass remark, Phil would be tempted either to strangle or kiss him, instead reply calmly, and then they'd part. He may have known what kind of man Tony Stark was, but he knew Bucky.
He… he knew Bucky. And he'd say yes to Steve without a second thought. Yet there was an obligation to being someone's date. Phil would have a chance to get to know Tony, but in an atmosphere where they'd constantly be interrupted by other people, stuck together until they called it a night, and they were both too stubborn to admit defeat.
"I'd prefer… something to ourselves," he said softly. Tony withdrew his hand like it had been scalded.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Drinks or something," Phil said. "No pressure that way. A party isn't the best place for a first date."
"Or you could say what you really feel," Tony said. "They're wrong again. It wouldn't be the first time; you were wrong about me and Steve. We were spending time together talking about Howard, since we both knew a completely different man. That's it."
"Tony—"
"You don't want me, do you?"
"Tony, if you just—"
"Is Barnes hung up on Rogers?"
Phil hesitated. He couldn't break Bucky's confidence.
"Anything like that is private," he said.
"He'll say yes, and you won't have a date," Tony said. "Are you saying you'd prefer to go alone than with me?"
"No, I'm not. But I just don't think…" He stared at Tony's reflection. "No. No, I can't accept your invitation. I'm sorry, but the answer is no, Tony."
"…Right," he said, nodding. "Okay. No problem. Forget it."
"I would've said yes, but—"
"Stop, Phil. You don't need to explain yourself. I get it. If I could go back in time…"
"If," Phil echoed. "We'd still drive each other crazy."
"You deserve better than that," Tony said, and Phil's heart ached for him.
"So do you," he said.
"Bucky," Steve said, fingers threaded together in front of him. Bucky was rifling through his sock drawer. He was pretty sure he had silk ones somewhere. They'd be better for a fancy do like Miss Potts's birthday.
"Yeah, Steve?" he said, tossing another pair to the side. How did he get so many?
"I was wonderin'… who you're goin' with tonight?"
"Goin' with?"
"To Pepper's party."
"Oh." Bucky's hands stilled. "Phil. As friends. Why?"
"We're friends, Buck."
"No kidding." Bucky smiled sardonically over his shoulder. Steve quirked a grin.
"I'm serious," he said. "I wanted to know whether you'd… go with me? Instead?"
"Instead?" Bucky straightened up and turned around, eyebrows furrowing.
"Instead of with Phil," Steve said. "Like old times, only without the gals on your arms."
"Why?" Bucky asked. "I thought you wanted me to make new friends. Phil, Sam…"
"Yeah, as many as you want," Steve said hastily. "Um… or less than friends?"
"What the hell are you talking about, Steve? Gotta be specific."
"Will you be my date?" he blurted out.
Bucky wondered if this was what it was like to be a scratched record caught on a needle.
"Your date?" he said. "As in…"
"As in we arrive together, hang out together, leave together," Steve said, his cheeks turning pink. "The stuff that friends do."
"Which I'd be doing with Phil," Bucky said. "We'll see each other at the party, Steve—"
"Okay, more specifically, a date-date," Steve said. "With drinking and dancing and talking to each other and… and maybe a kiss at the end of the night." His voice dropped towards the end. Bucky pinched himself; nope, not a dream.
"Uh… well, I don't know. I mean, I…" Want to, desperately. All of it. Dancing, drinking, kissing, the whole thing. Hang on. "I'm confused. Aren't you with Stark?"
"Everyone's been assuming that, and I don't know why," Steve said. "We've been talkin' about Howard, that's all."
"Then what was that kiss?" Bucky said. "We saw it when we were lookin' for you. You and Stark kissed, and I don't see what that's got to do with Howard."
Steve groaned. "We wanted to prove everyone wrong. There's nothing like that between Tony and me, Bucky, I swear. We don't get along in private any more than we do in public. We covered all our common ground, and stopped meeting up for private chats. It can just be you an' me, Buck, from here on out. Think about it." He cradled Bucky's hands. "I know I haven't been there all the time, but I thought you'd grown tired of me."
"Never," Bucky said quietly. "To the end of the line, remember?"
"Yeah, I remember," Steve said. "Look, Buck, I've loved you for years. Eight decades, even longer. I don't have shared life experiences with anyone else."
"I forgot the part where you were a brainwashed killer for seventy years," Bucky said, and he could've kicked himself for the look of hurt Steve gave him. Steve… Steve was asking him to the party. Steve and Tony weren't together. "Sorry. I shouldn't have—"
"No, I'm sorry," Steve said. "I meant… I was referring to—"
"I know what you were talkin' about, punk."
"Jerk."
"You mean…" Bucky inhaled and exhaled slowly. "You fixin' to court me?"
Steve chuckled. "Reminds me of that time when Mrs. Shaw's daughter Elsie nearly slugged you for makin' a move on her mom, before she realised you were talking to her?"
"Uh… no?"
"Oh."
"Mrs. Shaw… she the one who lived next t' the bicycle shop?"
"No. She was the one who kept those queer folk hidden in her basement `cause she thought they were Jews, an' that's why they were hiding."
Bucky shook his head. "I don't remember much outside-a you. Like when you got near beaten to a pulp by some thickhead outside the girls' school."
"We never went near any girls' school, Bucky."
"…O-or when your little sister—"
"I didn't have a sister, Bucky. You did." Steve squeezed his hands, and Bucky wilted.
"Well, I remember some things," he said.
"I know. I can help you remember everything, if you just let me in."
"Like when I wanted you around these last… what, five months? When you chose to hang out with Stark instead? I remember Howard! Maybe not as well as you, but I met `im, saw `im in some bar fights. Saw `im flirtin' with the girls. I remember you makin' eyes at Carter, even though everyone else could tell how gone I was on you!" Bucky tore his hands out of Steve's and walked back to the dresser. "Why've you only now decided t' make a move? I would've given anything before… before…" He rubbed his eyes, despising the itch there. "An' now I'm thinkin' ya just want the old Bucky Barnes back, not the man I've had to become by myself. I had to make myself someone new, `cause it was more important to break the brainwashing than remember my goddamn childhood!"
"Bucky—"
"Or that I had a sister, Christ, she died when she was three—"
"Four—"
"And now I have to make every moment of my new life memorable so that no one, no son of a bitch, can ever take that away from me again!" Bucky's chest heaved with painful breaths, and he backed further away from Steve. "I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I can't be who you want me to be."
"I just want you, Bucky," Steve said. "No matter who you are, you're still the same guy underneath. Amnesia can't take that from you. They never broke you, Bucky, because the James Barnes I know is too damn stubborn to let something like that happen."
"Steve…"
"Now, look. You said that you're goin' with Phil. Right now, Tony is asking whether Phil will go with him to the party as a date."
That hung in the air, and Bucky's chest tightened. Phil would say yes for sure. They were both being offered what they wanted more than anything else in the world. Bucky loved Steve so much, and Steve said that he loved Bucky. Obviously he had to say yes.
Obviously.
Right?
"No," Bucky said. He heard Steve's breath hitch; he couldn't believe what he was saying, either. "I feel too different. Y'know, you picked a lousy time to ask me, when I'm tryin' t' get ready for a party. If we'd gone to a bar, or a restaurant, or had takeaway here, we could've talked things over. But right now? It's the worst possible time."
"Then we can do that tomorrow," Steve said. "And have tonight as sort of a prelude."
"But Phil—"
"Will be going with Tony. `Less you think he'd say no?"
No. Phil would say yes, and Bucky would be alone.
"I can't," he said.
"Bucky, we're best friends!" Steve sounded desperate now. Bucky knew the feeling. "I wanna chance to make everything up to you."
"So this is pity or something?"
"No! This is me, Steve Rogers, asking you, Bucky Barnes, to go to the dance with me. Because we've been together nearly all our waking lives, and I can't think of anything better than being with you for the rest of it."
"And if it didn't work out?" Bucky said, crossing his arms for cold comfort. "We can't go back to what we had before, and we don't have anything now."
"So we create something new." Bucky saw the tears in Steve's eyes in the reflection of the mirror over the dresser. "Something we'll never have to go back on. We never have to be apart again, Buck. Fill our place with drawings."
Wildly, Bucky's mind whirled back to Phil pocketing that paper napkin. Shit, he couldn't keep thinking of Phil when Steve was talking to him about their future. Thing is… Bucky couldn't really picture anything else. He tried to picture being himself – whatever 'that' was – with his best friend, in something resembling a white picket fence dream. It didn't work. They both seemed so wooden. He used to dream about it, of course he did, but now that Steve was actually confessing that he loved Bucky, he couldn't picture the same painting Steve had in his head, was actually describing to Bucky. This had to stop.
"No, Stevie," he said, interrupting mid-sentence. "I'm sorry. I just can't see it. I want to say yes to you, so much, you have no idea how much. It was killing me that you were with Stark when I…"
Steve's gaze dropped to the floor. "I didn't know. I was blind to it. Insecure, I guess."
But Bucky's mind had switched gears again, and now he was remembering how he nearly did kill himself over Steve. The one time it mattered the most, when he nearly threw himself from Stark Tower, and Steve didn't know. It was Phil who found him, talked him down, made sure no one else found out what Bucky had almost done. At his lowest point, Phil had been there for Bucky. Sure, he was the closest, which is why JARVIS had notified him. But then Phil had…
Phil. Phil, Phil, Phil. Bucky couldn't shake him out of his mind.
"No," Bucky repeated. "I'm sorry, Steve, but I'm not going to the party with you."
"You're going alone?"
"You should take Sam," Bucky said, rather than admit that he probably was. "He's a great guy. You'd hit it off, I just know it. He's definitely got a crush on you. Who can blame him?" He laughed hollowly. "I keep promising to introduce him to everyone."
"Bring him as your plus one, then," Steve said, backing off. "I'll see you later, Bucky."
"Yeah," Bucky said as Steve left without another word. "See ya later."
After Bucky found the elusive pair of socks, he heard his phone ring. It was Phil's ring-tone, and his heart sank. But he put cheer into his voice as he answered.
"Hi, Phil!" he said, shutting the sock drawer gently to avoid the squeak.
"You sound happy," Phil said.
"Happy to hear from you, like always," Bucky said, and then winced. He nearly tripped over something, and realised that he hadn't put all the socks back into the drawer.
"Heard that Steve asked you to the party."
Bucky gulped. "Yeah, he did."
"Congratulations."
"Heard Stark asked you."
"News travels fast," Phil remarked dryly.
"So… congrats to you, too?"
"…I turned him down."
"W-what?" Bucky sat abruptly on the edge of his bed, and nearly slid off. "Why?"
"I don't know what I was thinking," Phil said. "Tony and I… we'd drive each other up the wall and down the other side. I love him, but not enough to… to sustain a relationship with him. And it just… didn't feel right. I was going to say yes, but I didn't, and… Just thought I'd let you know. But I don't mind—"
"Thank fuck," Bucky exhaled.
"I beg your pardon?"
"I turned Steve down."
"Why? You love him—"
"Something left from the old Bucky Barnes, and he wants it back," Bucky said. "Best explanation I can give. I don't see it going anywhere with him. He wanted more than I can give, and I need more than he can give. Does that even make sense?"
"Yes, it does." He heard Phil sigh, but it sounded happy. "What a relief."
"You'll still be my plus one?"
"Of course, as long as you're mine."
"Yeah." Bucky grinned. "See you as we arranged, then?"
"I look forward to it."
The elevator doors opened, and Bucky grinned when he saw Phil.
"Lookin' good," he said.
"You, too," Phil said as Bucky strolled into the elevator and leaned back on the wall beside Phil. "I don't think I've seen you in a suit before."
"You should see me in uniform," Bucky said, giving Phil a subtle wink.
"Yes, but could I cope with such a sight?" Phil said, arching an eyebrow. "Or would I be forced to fall to my knees and worship you?"
Bucky's cheeks turned light red, and he faced the front as the door opened. They were in the common area, which had been transformed for Pepper's party to something elegant and unrecognisable. Bucky and Phil strode forward, gifts in their arms, and added them to the pile on the table. Phil led the way to Pepper (who'd vetoed all surprise parties due to the number of people in the tower who had PTSD), and he kissed her on both cheeks.
"Thank you for coming," she said, accepting a shy peck on the cheek from Bucky. "I hear there's been some drama? I swear, I'm away for work for two weeks…"
"We can't function without your guiding hand," Phil said solemnly. Bucky snickered, and Pepper rolled her eyes fondly.
"I'm glad you two have each other," she said. "Go get some drinks and food, okay? You probably haven't eaten since lunch, and you'll need your strength for dancing."
"You got it," Bucky said, tugging Phil to the tables, leaving Pepper to greet more guests.
"Are you good at dancing?" Phil asked, picking up a plate. Bucky was already heaping food onto his plate, the downside (or upside) of having super-metabolism.
"I can hold my own," Bucky said. "Not modern stuff, though. I don't think I'm flexible enough for… what is it, breakdancing? Gimma a swing any day."
"You're in the park often enough," Phil said. "There are swings there."
"That innocent look of yours doesn't fool me, Phil Coulson."
"Darn. There goes my career in acting."
Bucky snorted in laughter as he and Phil made their way to the tables around the edges of the room. Clint and Natasha invited Bucky and Phil to join them.
"Cleans up nicely, doesn't he?" Phil said, tipping his head towards Bucky.
"Very," Natasha said, scanning him up and down. "I'm surprised you're here together. We heard that you—"
"Uh," Phil said, glancing at Bucky, who took over.
"I ain't a welcher," he said. "I'd promised to take Phil… or go with him, I'm still not sure who's the plus one here, but I wasn't gonna go back on my word." Phil smiled softly, and Bucky's spine straightened. "`Sides, can't think of anyone I'd rather go with."
Everyone made a big fuss of Pepper, and there was a giant cake which Thor and Steve were happy to help demolish when everyone else pleaded fullness. The 'floor' was opened for dancing, and the DJ Tony had hired kept the music coming all evening. Phil was eventually dragged away from his conversation with Happy and his date to dance, laughing as Bucky swung him around.
"Slow down!" he said.
"Slow dance, huh?" Bucky said, tugging Phil close and obediently slowing. "You flirt."
Phil gave Bucky a withering look, which swiftly changed when Bucky dipped him over his metal arm. Phil grabbed his shoulder with a startled laugh. Steve watched it all from the side, and could see Tony on the other side of the room, his eyes also on Bucky and Phil. Sam approached Steve.
"I know it wasn't your idea to invite me to tag along," he said. "But thanks, anyway. It's been great meeting Bucky's friends."
"Hmm? Yeah. I mean, you're welcome."
Sam leaned beside Steve. "I know where you'd rather be."
"You're his shrink. Uh, therapist. Could you tell me—"
"There's such a thing as patient confidentiality," Sam said, raising his eyebrows. "You don't think you're exempt from that, do you?"
"Oh! No, I wasn't askin' for details. Just…" He wilted as Bucky whispered something to Phil, whose eyes crinkled at the edges with the force of his smile. "Did you see this coming? Him not wanting me?"
"You mean Bucky getting over you?" Sam asked.
"Yeah."
"Speaking as his friend, and a neutral third party, I don't think it would've worked between the two of you. Your shared memories are barely there, and you were only there for Bucky's nightmares. You weren't there when he was building himself up again. As soon as he didn't need you as a babysitter, he told you, and it seems you took that to mean that he was all better. I only know what he's told me—"
"Seems a fair assessment," Steve mumbled. Sam hummed.
"He's mentioned Phil a lot more lately," he said. "He talked about him before they became friends, and before Bucky took up drawing, but nowhere near as much. To be fair, Phil was the same. First time I spoke to JARVIS, he agreed they'd be good for each other. Friends, I thought, but these last few weeks it's become pretty clear they could be more. Funny that a therapist and an artificial intelligence saw it before anyone else."
"We all got things wrong," Steve said, running fingers through his hair. "Seems lifelong friendships aren't a good basis for a relationship any more than animosity."
"Wouldn't be so sure," Sam said. When Steve looked at him with curiosity, Sam nodded towards Rhodey. "That's Colonel Rhodes, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"Notice who he's looking at?"
Steve followed the colonel's line of sight. "Tony."
Sam grinned. "I've never seen `em together before tonight, but from what I've observed there's something there, even if it's one-sided. I've heard that War Machine's gonna be around a lot more?" Steve nodded, gaze still flicking between Rhodey and Tony. "Well, you watch `em, and let me know how it goes."
"I will," Steve said, and he smiled at Sam. "Thanks."
"C'mon," Bucky said, pulling Phil by the wrist.
"You don't want to see whether anyone else wants a dance with you?" Phil said, allowing Bucky to lead him onto the balcony.
"I need fresh air," Bucky replied, which wasn't really an answer.
"Bucky—"
"Remember what I tried to do here a few months ago?" Bucky said. Phil realised where they were; he felt much colder, and it wasn't anything to do with the night air.
"I'll…" He cleared his throat. "I'll never forget that. Ever."
"I'm sorry," Bucky said, taking Phil's hands.
"Sometimes my nightmares…"
"I'm sorry," he repeated. He raised Phil's hands to his mouth and kissed the calloused knuckles. Phil's breath caught.
"Bucky," he said.
"I let Steve go," Bucky murmured. "He was askin' me to the party, an' I couldn't get you outta my head. Didn't take a degree in rocket science t' figure out why that was."
"Bucky…"
"It's not rebounding if you were never in a relationship, right?"
"I… I guess not—"
"Don't write me off `til you've given me a chance," he said. "Please, Phil."
"Chance to what?" Phil said, voice getting husky as he tried to wake up.
Bucky closed his eyes, and Phil waited. He couldn't rush this. He wasn't even sure that this was real. How much had Bucky had to drink? No, Phil had spent most of the night by his side, and it took a lot more than a couple of glasses of champagne to make either of them tipsy, never mind drunk enough to—
"Make you want me," Bucky whispered. The music was loud inside, but out on the balcony it was quiet enough for Phil to hear. "As much as I… I love you."
"Bucky… I do love you—"
"I mean as more'n a friend—"
"Yes," Phil said, letting go of one of Bucky's hands to cup the back of his neck, drawing Bucky's eyes to his. "As more than that."
He gave Bucky time to process it, and then they moved at the same time, crashing together in a tangle of arms and lips. Bucky crushed Phil against his body, devouring him, while Phil scrunched his fingers in Bucky's hair, tilting his head to the angle he wanted. His moan was lost somewhere in Bucky's mouth, but he felt the vibration of Bucky's growl against his chest.
Phil found it hard to believe that this was happening. He didn't even know he'd felt this way, could feel this way, until Bucky had kissed his fingers. He'd thought about Bucky when he'd been talking to Tony, but not in this way. Not until now, when this felt too damn right to give up. When they had to part for breath, Phil immediately wanted more, and shivered as Bucky stroked his back.
"Wow," he said weakly. "I didn't… know it could be… like that."
"It can be even better," Bucky said.
"Didn't know," Phil said, shaking his head. "Felt like this. I didn't know I felt this way. Damn. Why didn't I see it?"
"The same reason we all thought Steve and Tony were in love with each other," Bucky said. "We're not the best judges of human nature."
"Or we learn the wrong things from Hollywood movies."
Bucky grinned. "Or that."
Phil rested his forehead against Bucky's, breath turning visible in the night air as the temperature dropped. "We should head back inside if we don't want to catch cold."
"I'd make you chicken soup."
"You softie." They rubbed noses. "I love you, Bucky. Wish I'd figured it out sooner."
"Me, too. And I love you, too, Phil."
"Thanks for showing me, or I might never have known," Phil said. He mourned the loss of warmth as Bucky drew back, and smoothed down his hair. Phil's fingers itched to muss it again, but he probably looked a mess as well, and tried to straighten himself out.
"Thanks for stopping me from jumping," Bucky said. He held out the crook of his elbow, and Phil laced his arm through it. "Wanna call it a night?"
"I'm not going to bed with you on a first date," Phil warned. This time, when he shivered, it was because of the long look up and down that Bucky gave him.
"You're not countin' all our adventures together as dates?" he said. "What a pity."
"Y-yes," Phil said, nearly running into the glass door. "A real pity."
"Guess I'll just have to wine and dine you `til you're ready."
Phil nodded, his cheeks hot. "Uh-huh."
"Then maybe you can tell me why you kept that napkin I drew on the other day."
He paused, and then smiled sheepishly. "To add to the collection."
"Collection?"
"I have a scrapbook of the drawings you've given to me, the ones you throw away, or leave behind when we're at a café or a bar or a restaurant."
"Geez." Bucky's eyebrows rose. "How did you not know?"
"I thought it was because we were friends," Phil said. "Great. It makes me sound like a stalker, collecting all those scribbles."
"We'll pretend they're trading cards."
Phil elbowed him.
Epilogue
Turns out that Bucky was perfectly happy to wait. It took Phil weeks, a few months in fact, to work out why Bucky wasn't rushing him. When he realised, he suggested that they wait until marriage, which Bucky wasn't expecting, but cheerfully went along with.
As a pre-wedding present, Phil gave Bucky an hour-long presentation on how two men had sex, complete with video demonstrations. Bucky was red-faced by the end, both from embarrassment and arousal. Phil had wisely waited until five days before the wedding, giving Bucky time to study further, return with questions, and prepare himself for the big night. He was still blushing as they exchanged vows near where their friendship started, out on the balcony.
I've been working on this for ages, and posted a couple of excerpts on the Phucky Archive on Tumblr. Why is this ship so neglected? I swear…
Please review! My headcanon is that Rhodey and Tony end up together, and that Sam and Steve end up together as well.