Summary: One year after Jude's disastrous 18th birthday, Jude decides to write Tommy in one of his old journals to finally let him go and say goodbye. But something unexpected happens and she finds herself communicating with the Tommy in the past; the Tommy that hasn't left her yet.
Disclaimer: I don't own, or am not associated with Instant Star, its characters, etc.
b One /b
i Jan 7, 2008
Dear Tommy,
I never thought I'd have to do something like this. Especially with you. But now I know that life changes sometimes, and sometimes there's nothing you can do about it.
I want to tell you the things that I never had the chance to say. Everything I felt. Everything I thought. Everything. But it's so hard, even now; even now that you're not a part of my life anymore and even though I know you'll never get the chance to read this.
My therapist says that this is a good way to tell you how I feel or, how I felt and that this is the best way to finally let you go. I know what you're thinking. A therapist, right? I'm not crazy. Just…famous. I guess those two can coincide from time to time. He said that it wasn't right to keep such a burden on my shoulders. That I shouldn't blame myself. But I do. But I blame you too.
There were a lot of things I should've said that night. One of them was that I was afraid. And I guess I was afraid for all of the right reasons. I knew you'd hurt me. I knew. And still I let myself get caught in your web. A web of deceit and hurt. You said you'd stop hurting me Tommy. You promised. And I believed that. I believed in you, like you believed in me. Now I know it was naive to think that way. But now matter what, I still believe in you. Maybe I like how naïve I am. Maybe I just never wanted to let that 15 year old girl in me, go. I believed that you never meant to hurt me. And now I know that it doesn't come that easily. Love, that is.
Since you walked into my life, it has been full of anger, pain, and heartache. I'm not saying that it was all because of you. But it was because of you that I became who I am. It was you who showed me how to be passionate; not only in my music, but in my life. And I guess, all I can do is thank you for that.
I'll always remember you, and all the great things you've taught me. And even though we're not together anymore, I have to tell you. I love you. I'm in love with you. That hasn't changed. But it has to. And so I write this letter in your journal, something that you've left me along the way, to let you go Tommy. I'm sorry I never told you when you needed to hear it. But here it is. Now it's time to let you go.
Goodbye,
Jude /i
Jude closed her eyes and took a deep bracing breath, letting her senses fill her. The cold morning breeze blew through the window causing the transparent silk drapes to flow like waves towards her and as it blew, with the mixture of sounds of the bustling tree branches, somehow she could almost feel his presence with her. Closing Tommy's journal, a single tear rolled down her cheek. A tear that said goodbye, and she smiled when she closed the black leather bound book in her hands. Because it was then that she knew that she had just taken a step to saying goodbye to the man that she's loved for years.
Just then, Jude felt the weight of her bed shift and she laughed when she realized that it was her dog, Lucky; a golden retriever, young and full of energy. He whined at her and put his chin on her hand, wanting her to pet him.
"Oh, Lucky. You're such a pet hog," Jude said, putting both hands beneath his chin and scratching her fingers through his long, silky fur. Lucky barked twice, telling her that he was satisfied with her actions and he nuzzled his nose in her hands, licking her palms.
"Alright, alright. That's enough Lucky. Go downstairs, and I'll feed you something nice," she said softly, finally getting out of bed.
The sun shone brightly through the windows of the kitchen, and Jude squinted her eyes as she poured dog food into a bowl. It was the first bright day Jude had seen in a long time and she couldn't help but smile at the alluring blue sky.
"It's such a nice day outside. What do you say we take a walk in the park today?" Jude asked her dog as he ate from his green doggy bowl. He barked in agreement before getting back to his meal and Jude heartedly sat on her stool pouring herself a bowl of cereal.
"I'll take that as a yes," Jude laughed as she took a spoonful of Special K into her mouth. The light of the sun caught her eyes again, and she was braced with the memory the day she was given Lucky. He was so small and helpless and his short deeply golden fur tickled her cheeks as she carried him in her hand.
Jude's phone rang and she walked over to the counter and picked up the receiver. "Hello Sadie," she answered fully knowing it was her sister even before checking the call display. She called every morning since they moved out on their own. Maybe it was because it was a way to pretend that Jude was still nearby. Or maybe she just wanted to check up on her. Either way, she appreciated her regulated calls.
"So, have you decided about tonight?" Sadie asked walking over to the kitchen with the phone cradled between her ear and her shoulder.
"I don't know Sadie. I don't really feel like going out," Jude confessed tiredly. She walked back over to the island and stirred her spoon through the cereal in her bowl.
"Jude, this guy is really nice. I promise. He's smart, funny, totally into music. You should give him a chance" Sadie pleaded with her sister. She smiled at Kwest in the kitchen as he stood before the stove cooking eggs and bacon.
Jude let out an exasperated sigh and inadvertently began to bite her nails in indecision. On the one hand, she did want to take another step towards moving on but on the other she thought it was too soon. She had just that morning taken that first step. But then another thought drowned her mind. With every step taken another must befall from it, otherwise you are just standing still.
Jude shrugged her shoulders, "Okay. I'll meet you at Bellini's at seven," Jude said and hung up quickly before she lost her nerve.