A/N: I mean frankly, this is the dumbest, most inane thing I've ever written, but I personally think it's hysterical. That could very well be because it's so cold where I am that my brain has actually frozen, but hey. Like I've said before-I either write catastrophic angst, or total and complete nonsense.
This is (quite obviously) written in the same vein as "10 Things SecNav Doesn't Know", except here, we've got Tony venting some much-deserved anger towards Gibbs. If you think Tony sounds like Regina George at the end of Mean Girls, then I'm honored, because that's exactly what I was going for-ugh, Gibbs is SUCH a fugly slut.
Take THAT, Boss!
Very Special Agent Tony DiNozzo sat at his desk after everyone had gone home, brooding petulantly in the glow of his lone desk lamp. The reason he was hanging around so late, brooding at his desk—other than the fact that he was pretty sure he looked sexy as hell when he brooded—was because one stupid Leroy Jethro Gibbs had decided to spontaneously waltz back from Mexico and just retake his job like nothing had happened.
Gibbs was so annoying. The government had ignored him, so he'd thrown a massive Marine hissy fit, quit, and run off on a completely random margarita safari with that old wanker Mike Franks only to come dashing back like a stupid knight in shining armor when Ziva needed him—never mind that everybody else felt abandoned, too—stay around a week or so because Fornell whined and played the 'but my daughter is in danger card' (good one, Tobias, you old crackpot) and then decide on a whim that he wanted to be the Boss again.
It didn't matter that Tony was running the team and doing a damn good job of it; Gibbs just thought he had the right to storm back in and glare around like an obnoxious rhinoceros or some ferocious territorial creature and start barking orders.
He didn't even tell Tony he'd been doing a good job! He didn't say anything at all!
Did he think that stupid mustache made him hot shit?
"The mustache is dumb," Tony grumbled aloud, glaring balefully at Gibbs' empty desk—and where had he gone so early, anyway? Had he managed to sweet-talk the director into a dinner date or something, after only being back a week?
DiNozzo glared even harder, thinking a million rude thoughts in the direction of Gibbs' desk.
Ugh, Gibbs was such a dick sometimes. All Tony asked for was a little freakin' recognition for his impeccable (and frankly, badass) job of leading the team when Gibbs had ditched them like Brad Pitt ditched Jennifer Aniston! But noooo, El Jefe was just going to take over without so much as a 'Hell of a job, Anthony' and glare and head-slap like he was a silver-haired gift from god.
"You're the one who needs a head-slap," Tony growled loudly, pointing accusingly at Gibbs' empty desk.
So what if he was alone in the bullpen brooding over an empty desk?! He had to let his inner Diva out somewhere.
Struck with a sudden idea, Tony wrenched open his desk drawer and pulled out a piece of paper, snatching a pen out of his pen cup and chewing on the edge of it. He decided to write a manifesto—sort of a Jerry Maguire kind of thing—nah, actually, that was too much work; he'd write Gibbs a snarky little letter—no, wait, Gibbs didn't do well with letters, he was still pissed at Jenny for something about a letter….well, then DiNozzo was going to make a list of complaints, er, maybe an anonymous one—
Tony smirked impishly and put his pen to the paper.
He wrote at the top:
10 Things That Would Piss off Leroy Jethro Gibbs and Make Me Feel Better
By: Super Bad-Ass Awesome Team Leader DiNozzo, Tony DiNozzo.
He smirked arrogantly, already feeling a little better, and began to write…
Exactly one hour later, Very Special Agent Tony DiNozzo held up his complete edited list and gazed upon its perfection with smug admiration. Unleashing his complaints via petty whining had done wonders for his mood; he felt seventy percent better. That other thirty percent could be taken care of if he actually showed this to Gibbs—just to see the look on his face—but, unfortunately, Tony DiNozzo was one hundred percent terrified of what Gibbs would actually do if he ever saw this.
Frankly, Tony didn't exactly want to get his ass physically handed to him just because of number five.
He instead settled for a little game of make-believe, in which he got up, marched across the bullpen, and slapped the list down on Gibbs' desk, giving the Boss's empty chair a lofty, triumphant look. He retreated to his own desk, propped his feet up, and glared primly, imagining Gibbs' reaction as he slowly read through each offensive item on the list, learning just what had gone on while he was down chasing senoritas or whatever the fuck he was up to in Mexico.
Tony put his hands behind his head and continued to amuse himself imagining Gibbs' outraged facial expressions.
And then he accidentally fell asleep in his desk chair, completely forgetting to take the list off Gibbs' desk.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs stormed into work at the usual ridiculous hour the next morning, clutching a steaming hot large cup of coffee and thinking about how weird it was to drink coffee with a mustache.
With that on his mind, he stalked over to his desk, shooting a short, bemused look at DiNozzo asleep at his own desk, and set his coffee cup down, booting up his computer. He surveyed his desk to make sure DiNozzo hadn't been up to any funny busi—
He stopped.
There was a piece of paper lying on his desk that hadn't been there the night before.
Narrowing his eyes, Gibbs picked it up. It was covered in swirly writing—DiNozzo's, then, because DiNozzo had weird swirly writing—and it seemed to be some sort of…list of…grievances?
DiNozzo wouldn't dare.
Gibbs eyes narrowed, and he read:
10 Things That Would Piss of Leroy Jethro Gibbs and Make Me Feel Better
By: Super Bad-Ass Awesome Team Leader DiNozzo, Tony DiNozzo
1. I made like seven jokes about all of his ex-wives while he was in Mexico and Ziva, McGee, and Abby laughed at every single one of them.
2. I broke rule eleven exactly 4 times while he was in Mexico because I think the new lawyer in legal is a hot tamale and I like having her on cases.
3. I used his desk the whole time and accidentally put a virus on his computer that one time I was trying to show Ziva what a toe fetish is in American porn.
4. I never carry a knife because McGee and Ziva always have one and they'll let me borrow it if it means Gibbs won't whine like a little bitch about rule #9
5. Director Shepard gave me a blowjob.
6. And then told me I could call her Jenny.
7. I go over to Ziva's apartment for movie nights all the time now. It's technically not breaking rule twelve except for the part where we have sex.
8. I get to be in a super top-secret personal vendetta, er, I mean, "important patriotic mission" of Jenny's and I have a cool code name and black ops agenda and everything.
9. I was really sad he was gone for maybe like two days but in those two days I went to his house and drank all his bourbon and got really drunk (bourbon is strong okay) and Abby had to come get me and we broke a little bit of the boat.
10. Fornell and I have drinks on weekends now so I kind of stole Gibbs' best friend and got head from his ex-girlfriend.
Take THAT, Boss!
Gibbs crumpled up the paper in his fist and glared at DiNozzo, anger throbbing in his temple.
"DINOZZO!" he bellowed.
Tony DiNozzo squawked and jolted awake, falling out of his cheer ungracefully. He blinked blearily and yawned, looking around in mild surprise—and then he saw Gibbs bent over his desk across the bullpen.
Tony blanched. He gasped in horror, the night rushing back to him, remembering suddenly—the list. Where was his list—IT WAS ON GIBBS' DESK. Tony peeked around his desk; searching for Gibbs, and panicked when he didn't seem him. A loud banging sound rang through his ears and he scrambled up.
Gibbs was standing in front of his desk. He'd kicked it.
He shoved the crumpled piece of paper into DiNozzo's face, and Tony's eyes widened—he let out another terrified squawk.
Gibbs had circled number five and bold and, apparently considering the rest of the list to be small potatoes next to THAT major offense, crossed out the original title and wrote:
ONE Reason to Kick Tony DiNozzo's Ass
"What the HELL is this, DiNozzo?" roared Gibbs.
Tony spluttered.
Apparently, 'but she wanted to do it, Boss, I didn't even ask her!' was not the correct answer.
I beg you; don't take this to seriously because it's crackCRACkcraCKcRaCk!fic and if you think this is how I actually write NCIS YOU'RE WRONG
-Alexandra
story #106