Galbatorix'es Secret
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, its Christopher Paolini's. I don't own lilo and stitch. Gollum is not mine, he is Tolikien's.
A/N: The tone of the story is kind of jumpy
Prologue
He is a powerful man. More frightening and manipulating person from any one else, the one who destroyed the Riders and slaughtered men, women and children. He is a Rider with a beast name Shruikan. He is the dark ruler of Alagaësia and as long as he is the king, any one who are able to prove their disloyalty to him will be sentenced to death and people will always bow down to him with fear. He is Galbatorix.
But one day, rumors has it that he had a secret that he kept from every one else. Rumors said he had been in contact with other worlds. In the world where people wore clothes shaped like the letter T and matching blue pants. In the world where people had this long thin rope stuck to their ears and whenever the rope is stuck to the ears, the people will dance, in a world where houses and buildings are like giant blocks and giant squares with red diamond shaped shelter.
They say the King had been trading items, and that was the secret; what items?
Murtagh?
Thorn nudged him with his snout
Wake up little one rise and shine
Murtagh gave a snort,"5 more minutes mommy!"
Thorn blinked, he didn't expect his master would call him in such manner.
Murtagh curled up and grabbed his blanket closer and sucked his thumb.
That's it-
Thorn bent down and placed his mouth on Murtagh's ears.
He managed to let out a deafening roar right into Murtagh's little ears which sent Murtagh flying up the ceiling and then land on his back with a thud. Unfortunately due to his weight of 75kg (Bone solidness), he made a crack outline about 3 inches high on the floor.
"Groaan… WHAT DID YOU THAT FOR YOU COKE CAN WANNABE DRAGON!!?"
It's thou's fault that thou art sleepy head.
"Will you stop speaking old English? I suppose it's not that strange because dragon's mind is ancient! You told me that."
Oh puhleeze, by the way you look so unMurtagh-ish while sucking your damn thumb!
"What?!" Murtagh spat.
Yea, shall I repeat my self that you were suck-
"AIN't LISTENING!!!! LADIDADIDIAIDIAIDIAIDIDA!!" Murtagh interrupted while
jabbing his index fingers into his ear holes.
And you looked much like your younger sibling!
Murtagh paused; his face twisted then bellowed, "DON'T COMPARE ME WITH THAT 3 YEARS-OLD DRAGON RIDER TWIT! HIM AND HIS NEANDERTHAL PING PONG BALL SIZED BRAIN!"
Suddenly the door burst open and beside it, stood Galbatorix. He gazed about then he looked at Thorn then at Murtagh and snarled showing his rotten brown teeth with even worse cavities in the back row. Thorn and Murtagh blinked, disgusted by the sight. The King's expression went emo and he raised a trembling arm and pointed at Murtagh,"Y-y-y-y-y-you… What did you do to my lovely floor? Explain yourself!"
"Don't look t me blame Thorn! He's the one who screeched at my ear and sent me flying up the ceiling and falling back down!"
The King fell to his buttocks and wailed, "WAAAAAAH MY LOVELY FLOOR, O CASTLE! WHAT DID HE DO TO YOU?!!!"
Murtagh was dumbfounded. The ruler of Alagaesia, was wailing like a spoiled brat. Thorn was trying to keep his fits of laughter hidden however failed. Murtagh smiled and said to the king,"Aww, please don't cry. I'll get you an Alagaesian ice cream!" It was the wrong thing to say and Murtagh knew it. The king glared at Murtagh with ketchup black cold piercing eyes which silenced Murtagh. Then he approached Murtagh, with clomping heavy leather boots. Murtagh backed away, "I'm sorry! Maybe ice cream wasn't such a good idea! How bout a cake? Or- or, I can take you to the fun fair. Yea! Fun fair would be good!" The king drew out a dagger, Murtagh shrieked, "Ok Ok!! Galby hates fun fair! Um… Maybe you want to ride the merry go round!?"
"HOW DARE YOU TALK TO YOUR KING THIS WAY!?" Galbatorix spat.
"HOW DARE YOU TREAT HIM LIKE A BABY!! THE ONLY THING THAT CAN MAKE ME HAPPY IS…FOR YOU TO FIX THE FLOOR AND THAT DAMN CEILIING!"
His face and Murtagh's is a half inch away.They stared at each other for a very long time and neither of the spoke a word. Then, after a veeery long pause, then Murtagh squeaked, "Ew!"
"What?! I- THAT'S IT!"
Galbatorix grabbed Murtagh's knees then grabbed his hand and lifted him on his back.
Murtagh started pounding on the king's back with all his might. The king carried Murtagh to a room and threw him on a bed. Then he paused. Murtagh interrupts," This is why I said ew!"
"GO TO YOUR ROOM!" The king shrieked.
"I'M ALREADY IN MY ROOM!!!" Murtagh roared back.
"Fine… be that way…" Muttered the king as he stormed away furious.
You shouldn't mock the king you know?
"Too bad!" Replied Murtagh smugly!
"I'm going hunting. You coming?"
Sure.
But the king musn't know other wise we're both dead meat!
"Fine"
Murtagh crawled into the Throne and found the King sound asleep. He dashed into the palace gate and yanked the handle, it wouldn't budge.
"Damn it! The darn door's locked!"
Little one! The key is with the king."
"I knew that…"
Murtagh crept to the king's chair and noticed the key was chained around his neck.
He reached out a finger. Closer and closer, his hands get to the key, Just a little more! Suddenly the king sneezed; Murtagh's hands jerk back and found his fingers wet stained with green mucus which had little black lice on it.
That's nasty little one!
Murtagh cursed the king, then he attempt to take the key again. Finally he managed to touch the handle; suddenly the king's massive hands grabbed Murtagh's arm yanks it then cuddled him like a pillow.
"Mff! Get off!! Thorn! He's trying to smother me!"
I'm sorry little one there is nothing I can do! It's better for the king to blame one person than two.
Murtagh barely replied in a muffled voice, "Traitor! Help me you sunburned oversized lizard!"
He struggled to get free from the king's mighty grasp, finally in desperation; he drew Zar'roc and smacked the king's bald head with the flat side of the bloody blade which made Galbatorix collapse and land on his face. Blood oozed from his nose.
You killed him!
"Don't think so. I think I just knock him out cold. I got the key any way. He hee.. My precious, my precious key. My precious…"
My precious my precious SHUTUP! Let's go!
Murtagh and Thorn dashed out of the palace gate and flew to Du Weldenvarden.
Thorn landed on the moist forest floor with a thump. Murtagh strung his bow and scanned the surroundings, hoping for a doe. It's very quiet here. There were only birds and insects, nothing else. I must be patient.
Even if Murtagh had the patience of a Buddhist monk, he was getting frustrated with waiting for 5 hours. There was still no doe.
"That's it! I'm tired of waiting! Thorn, it's your fault you landed in the wrong place!" Screamed Murtagh jabbing a finger at him.
Me?! It's you who couldn't even hunt properly! Look at you! You've been wondering around no farther than 7 meters and you call yourself a hunter!
"What ever you say… Sheesh! Stupid coke bottle dragon…"Murtagh mumbled.
What was that?! I, you-
Thorn broke off when he heard a twig snapping. Murtagh turned his head and saw a small doe.
"Aww, look at you, you little cute thing, which apparently I'm going to eat!!" He ended with tone of madness.
Murtagh jumped in front of the doe which made it fart by surprise and scurried away.
"OH-NO YOU DON'T! COME BACK HERE!" He screamed, to busy to notice his dragon collapsed due to the foul smell of the fart. If you look closely, there is green gas hanging about in the air.
The doe galloped in a zig zag. Murtagh tripped but wished to lose no time, there fore; he crawled like a mad snake.
The doe stopped at a huge rock. Murtagh stood up and drew his arrow.
"This time I got you haha!"
Just when he was about to shoot the doe, another arrow struck at the doe's leg with invincible speed. Frustrated, Murtagh searched the source of the bow.
"Who dares interrupt my hunting?! Show yourself!"
The other hunter revealed himself. The guy had light brown hair, with dark brown eyebrows above the intense brown eyes. His skin was slightly tan like novel paper. He had lame ugly unevenly spaced teeth. He wore a raw sienna brown vest and white long sleeved T-shirt inside and brown leather pants. Beside him was a blue dragon with scales like sapphire. All this seemed too familiar to Murtagh.
It was his brother Eragon.
At the sight of Saphira, Thorn went glowing hot pink. He drooled on the moist forest floor which made it too moist the rotten leaves turned to black mud.
"Oi!! Why must it be you who shot at the doe! It was mine!"
"Well sorr-ieee!! Sheesh! Where's your name on it?"
"Dare to ask eh? Well where is yours?"
"I don't need to because I'm the protagonist!"
Murtagh was severely annoyed. Then he launched himself lamely at Eragon. They started fighting.
Punch hit slap…
Murtagh rolled over and stepped on Eragon's foot. Eragon yelled. Swearing, he caught Murtagh's arms and kicked him on the stomach. Murtagh scowled then he realized the doe had escaped.
"Erag-"
Eragon's fist landed on his face and his nose bled.
"Halt!! Eragon the doe escaped! This is your fault!!"
"My fault?! You attacked me first!"
"Thorn why didn't you stop us?!"
"Hey! Don't blame it one the coke can!"
Murtagh ignored Eragon," Thorn!"
Thorn was sitting by the huge rock with Saphira. Thorn's face was glowing hot pink and Saphira was puffing smoke rings out of her nostrils and was shaped like heart.
Murtagh sighed,"Oh don't tell me! You guys aren't in love are ya? NO IT CAN'T BE! THE KING WILL KILL ME!"
Murtagh fell to his knees and wrapped his hands around his head and rocked back and forth. Muttering," I'm dead dead dead!"
Aw c'mon! Galbatorix wish the dragons would al come together under his command! Besides, she's a pwe-e-ety babe!
"Whatever… Hey bro! Come, I'll tell you a secret!"
"Yea?"
Murtagh leaned closer to Eragon's ears, afraid any one will hear he covered his mouth.
"I musn't be too loud"
"Is it that bad?"
"Yes! Ok… The king has a secret."
"WHAT?! THAT"S A LAME SECRET MURTAGH! OF COURSE THE KING HAS SECRETS OTHERWISE HIS ENEMIES WOULD EASILY DEFEAT HIM!!"
"No no.. I mean it's not like that. I heard the king has been in contact with other worlds. He said people in other worlds wore weird clothes. And they have limited plants… he also said the other world had so many lights... And he's trading these items…"
"What items?"
"Well that's the secret. I was demanding but he wouldn't let me know."
Eragon thought for a long time.
Murtagh continued," Will you help me brother, to reveal this secret?"
Eragon stared at Murtagh for a second and decided it wouldn't matter.
"All right. Let's do it.
Together, they flew back to Urû 'baen.
Murtagh went back to his room and collapsed on the bed exhausted. Then he decided he mustn't postpone the plan he did with his brother.
He grunted and walked to the throne. He found the king still lying there with blood oozing pooling on the floor. Hm… he could make a Jacuzzi out of that much blood. He turned over the King's limp body and then gasped in shock. His face was half scraped off and there was blood everywhere, coming from his nose and his mouth. We can see strips of flesh on the scraped part of the face. His right eye ball seemed to be a little out of it sockets and his left one wasn't in the right place. There was a background of flashing lightning followed with the thunderous sound. He seemed like a retarded zombie back from the dead. Murtagh shrieked. Suddenly the king's hands wrapped themselves around Murtagh's throat.
Murtagh choked.
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!!"
"Let go let go! I have news!"
The king paused, "News you say? All the news you have for me are all lame!"
"No! This news will bring triumph for the Empire!"
" Triumph? I like triumph! Woopteedoo! Triumph!!"
"Yea.. triumph"
"Tell me!"
"If you let go."
"All right…"
The king loosened his grip.
"That's not letting go"
"Arrgh!"
The king let go of Murtagh's neck but grabbed his collar.
"I SAID LET GO YOU DUFUS ZOMBIE! CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH?!"
Galbatorix went crimson. There were steams coming out of his ears and there was a sound of a train whistle.
Calmly, Murtagh concluded,"You look constipated. Seriously. But with that screwed face…"
"TELL ME THE NEWS OR YOU WILL NEVER LIVE TO SEE THE DAWN!"
"OKAY OKAY!! DURZA HAS COME BACK TO LIFE!!"
The king's eyes widened.
"Back to...Life?
Murtagh nodded. The king's shoulders trembled. Then he exploded a mad laughter!
"The varden wouldn't stand a chance! With my rider and a shade! Wo hoo score for the king!"
"Your rider? Since when I am officially yours?"
"Shut up! For I hold your true name"
"Well that's ok. My father was a liar any way."
Galbatorix Knew he wouldn't win a debate against Murtagh.
The king dashed to the palace gate when Murtagh yelled from behind, "I wouldn't go out with a bloody zombie like face if I were you. You will murder half of your army due to the ugliness."
Galbatorix cursed and muttered 'Waíse heill', then he went out the gate.
Out side, he found his loyal Shade. Back from the dead with red tomato sauce hair and skin as white as A4 paper and long black tunic.
"Durziee POOO!!!"
The Shade reluctantly replied, "Yes my king?"
Galbatorix stopped abruptly, his smile vanished.
"What happened to your voice? It seems more… well more… 15."
17 damn it!
"I do not know sir."
Eragon can feel his heart drumming. Omigosh I'm in front of the king! His eyes traveled through the king, I expect a greater image! Why is the king a reality shock?! Ugh! Look at the clothes he's wearing he looks like a failed drag queen!
Eragon could only give the king a false grin.
Meanwhile back at the palace, Murtagh was wrecking the king's room.
Secret items secret items… This is impossible
Murtagh only found huge Spell books, a leather robe and a grand bed. There were other items like grand mirrors and large grand fireplace. Everything here is so grand! No wonder the guy's a GRANDpa! He found nothing else peculiar. Then he saw a painting. It was a painting of a woman with a mysterious smile. She had long hair and she wore black. The back ground had streams and Rocky Mountains. Overall the painting was done in monochromatic yellow green.
He had never seen anyone paint like that. The features of it were obviously not Alagaesian or Surda's. Then he came up with a thought, maybe this painting was one of the secret items. He just thought we were too dumb to notice it's not Alagaesian! The old king…
Then something grabbed his shoulders tightly. Murtagh froze, hoping the king had not found out. Afraid to look back he asked with a shaky voice, "Sir…Please don't kill me! I will serve you greatly." Murtagh wasn't comfortable with the long silence which made him even nervous. "For God sake! Don't kill meee!! My life has been threatened since the day I was born! All of my waking hours have been spent avoiding one form of danger to another and sleep never comes easily because I worry if I'll live to see the dawn! The only time I felt secure was in my mother's womb though I wasn't even safe ther-"
"Oi! Chill bro you told me that like about 50 times!!"
Murtagh knew that voice. Relieved, he turned around, and found a shade.
"Durza! NOOO!! What revenge do you seek on me?! Please don't tell the king o shade!"
"I said it's me brother!"
Murtagh paused. It was Eragon disguising as a shade. Stupid Murtagh how can you forget your own plan?!
"Please take the red bunch of your head. You look 65.
"What?!"
"Never mind. Help me remove that weird painting."
"That doesn't look like an Alagaësian painting at all!
"Exactly! I think this painting is one of the secret items, except the king thought we are too dumb to be thinking of that! Now come on! Help me remove it!"
They grabbed the frame of the painting and pulled it with all their might. The painting collapsed with a bang.
"It's not supposed to sound like that"
"Well duh! It's not even an Alagaësian product! But check that out!"
Behind the painting was a hidden room.
Murtagh and Eragon stepped into it and found weird un-Alagaesian items. There was a pink wardrobe with Barbie stickers on it. Beside it were a pink sofa and a black box with glass on it.
In the edge of the room was a white shiny bath tub. It looked so simple yet so cool.
While Eragon was examining the tub, Murtagh opened the pink wardrobe.
Inside, there were shorts (a.k.a. boxers). One of them had pink polkadots. The other one had hearts on it. Another had pictures of red, yellow, green and purple creatures on it which had an antenna on their heads. They had discovered the secret items.
"Hey bro. The king wears red underwears. Except they're kinda small..(Thongs)"
Murtagh went still. Then he covered his mouth. His shoulders were trembling.
"Uh... Bro? Are you ok?
Murtagh said nothing, yet there were tears leaking from his eyes.
Just when Eragon was about to put comforting hands on his brother's shoulders, Murtagh burst into a mad laughter. His eyes were looking up and his nostrils bloomed. There was drool coming from his mouth.
His guffaw left Eragon dumb-founded.
"Bro? …Brooo…"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH
GYAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHEHEHEHUAHUAHUAHUAHUAHUAHUAHU!!!"
Murtagh fell onto the floor and start rolling back and forth like a mad dog that had just been injected with mad medicine.
"Wheeze haheehaheehah! Cough hack! …"
Murtagh started pounding on his chest.
"Bro! Contain yourself!"
There was no stopping to his laughter. He was like oiled paper set on fire.
Eragon grabbed his shoulders but Murtagh seemed to have lost himself.
"Murtagh! Calm yourself for God sake!"
But Murtagh didn't stop
"Stop it! Galbatorix will hear you! He's gonna hack us to death if he knows we saw his secret items!"
Clomp…Clomp…
The sound of Galbatorix'es boots echoed through the room.
"Hide he's coming!"
Eragon Pushed Murtagh behind the pink wardrobe. Galbatorix sang to himself, "I wonder if you know how they live in Tokyo, if you see me then you mean it then you know you have to go fast and furious…"
Eragon whispered to Murtagh, "What the hell was that all about. Murtagh, do you think he's mad?! Murtagh?"
Murtagh was still giggling like mad hayeena.
"For God sake Murtagh!" Eragon hissed through his teeth.
Murtagh stopped abruptly as Galbatorix said, "I think I'm gonna have a nice warm bath…"
The king attempt to take off his robe.
I bet he has a six pack in there; after all he's a powerful king.
But he didn't have a six-pack; instead, he had a round fatty, floppy and droopy belly with chest hair on it and each time he walks, there will be a sloshing sound like someone who drank too much. His arms wasn't all that muscular, it was lame fatty and flobbery.
At the sight of this, Eragon cracked up and Murtagh faced the wall and started pounding on the wall. His face was extended to the sides and showed hard wrinkles. His wheezes were uncontrolled like a hiccupped laughter, and his face went from red to crimson. Sweat was pouring down his temples.
His eyes went bloodshot red.
His laughing disaster eased and he exhaled a very long time taking sigh but failed to stop laughing the moment Galbatorix entered the bath tub, leaving his belly visible. It was like a huge lump.
Murtagh was close to coughing up blood due to his hysteria but barely took control over his emotions.
If I explode, the king will have me by the gallows! But, this is too hilarious.
5 minutes passed, the king stepped out from the bath tub. He grabbed his pink towel which says: I love mum.
At the sight of this, Murtagh couldn't help it but was forced to laugh out his hysterical laughter like a volcano that could sustain the lava no more. Eragon who was aware of this stood there dumb-founded as Galbatorix stared at them in shock.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!" Galbatorix shrieked like a girl as he covered his chest though he knew he was a male and the "thing below" though he was wearing boxers.
"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?! GET OUT, OR YOU'LL BE HANGED BY THE GALLOWS!" Galbatorix screeched.
Murtagh didn't have control over his laughter. Eragon ended up like Murtagh, laughing and choking uncontrollably.
"THAT'S IT! SHRUIKAN! BURN THEM WITH YOUR FIRE THEN BURY THE ASHES WITH YOUR DUNG!"
Silence.
"SHRUIKAN!"
A black head peeped out from one side of a wall. The black dragon was guffawing like Murtagh.
"SHRUIKAN! I ORDER YOU TO BURN THEM!"
Shruikan remained standing there chuckling. On the dragon's black hands, was a small Kodak camera; apparently was a trade from the other world.
Neat stuff you have from the other world eh? I could use these pictures of you and your boxers to submit to the Alagaesian papers.
The King shrieked, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
Epilogue
Meanwhile, in the other world…
"Hey Ed!" Called out Jeremy Irons.
"Yea?"
"Remember the bald guy with beards who traded those weird items? Doesn't he look like Christopher Paolini's character Galbatorix?"
Ed Speleers thought carefully.
"Yea… Maybe he came out of the book. If it's really him, I don't know why he likes pink!"
"Maybe he's mad."
"Could be…"