Voldemort Babysits Draco
Voldemort was sitting at his evil plan desk thinking about what to do. Snape had dropped kind of a bombshell on him. He thought back to the drizzly Tuesday afternoon.
Snape had knocked on Voldemort's door as was required.
"Come in," Voldemort said.
Snape entered and sat down awkwardly in the purple bean bag chair in front of Voldemort's desk.
"My lord, I have some grave news. A prophe –" Voldemort held up his finger to silence him as the wizard phone rang.
Voldemort picked up the phone. "Oh, hi, Molly. Thank you for returning my call. I'm sure you're not super happy with me right now, but I was calling to ask for the recipe of that cake you ma…. I understand. Yes, I'm sorry that…. I understand, I…WELL! I hardly think that was called for. I know I just killed your brothers, but…..Molly, to be fair they were in the Order of the…..You know what, fine. I don't care. That cake wasn't even that good anyway." Then he hung up.
Voldemort turned to Snape, "That was a lie. That cake was delicious and now I'm never going to –"
"MY LORD, this is URGENT!"
Voldemort's jaw dropped open, "Snape, did you seriously just interrupt me? Did this just happen? Did you seriously just interrupt….. I can't even talk to you. I don't even know who you are right now."
Voldemort got up and started walking towards the door. Before Snape could stop himself he yelled the information he'd tried to tell the Dark Lord.
"Trelawney made a prophecy saying a wizard born at the end of July will have the power to defeat you."
Voldemort stopped dead in his tracks and turned to face Snape with his forehead in his hand.
"You know what, I think I need some alone time right now. Actually no, go find Bellatrix and send her in."
Voldemort was very stressed out. There were two possibilities for this child that would have the power to destroy him. He had to pick between two extremely menacing looking babies to destroy. Voldemort just didn't have the time to kill both of them. His next few months were packed with evil luncheons and Deatheater picnics. Just when Voldemort thought his life couldn't get any more stressful there was another knock on the door.
Voldemort rolled his eyes, "Come in."
The door opened. It was Lucius.
"My Lord," Malfoy started, not even sitting down. "I have a request for you. I'm sorry to have to ask, but I really am in need of your assistance."
"Well, Lucius, what is it?"
"See, Narcissa and I are going on a Muggle-hunting trip this weekend. We kind of made plans last minute and now we can't find anyone to watch Draco. We were wondering if you could watch him."
"Oh, I don't know, Lucius. I'm pretty busy with all this prophecy business and I'm really not good with –"
Lucius interrupted, "Great, I knew you could help. Come at four tomorrow."
Voldemort opened his mouth to object, but Lucius had already scurried out the door. As Voldemort packed up his things he mumbled under his breath about how no one respected him and that to teach Lucius a message he should just lock the baby in the washing machine, but he knew that wasn't an option. Lucius and Narcissa were some of the most attractive and photogenic Deatheaters and were therefore the best models for the Deatheater calendar. Voldemort couldn't afford to lose them. He would just have to watch the baby.
Voldemort arrived at the Malfoy house at 4:02 in hopes of pissing of Lucius and Narcissa just a little, but for some reason they didn't seem vexed.
"Alright, my lord," Narcissa said. "Here are his diapers and the baby wipes. His milk is in the fridge. Draco's taking a nap so just check on him from time to time. You'll know when he's awake because you'll hear him."
"Does he talk enough to tell me what he needs?" Voldemort asked unenthusiastically.
"Well, he knows a few words. He can say dada and will and hear and apple. Basic words. He'll let you know if he's hungry and you'll be able to tell if he's pooped because it will smell awful."
At that moment, Lucius walked down the stairs with the luggage. He guessed what they were talking about and chimed in.
"Serious, it will be the worst smell you've ever smelled in your life. Like, I know we're all like, 'mudbloods and muggles smell so bad' and I'm sure they do, but babies smell like ten times worse. Like maybe we should be doing something about babies too."
Narcissa looked over at her husband and shook her head exasperatedly.
"Don't mind him," Narcissa said to Voldemort. "He's been smoking Wizard Pot."
After a little bit more prepping, Lucius and Narcissa said there farewells and left on their hunting trip.
First, Voldemort pulled out his snake milk and put it in the fridge. It was crucial that he drink his snake milk everyday and to keep it fresh it needed to be refrigerated. Then, he sat on the couch and pulled out his The Daily Prophet. He sat there reading it for some time.
In the middle of his reading he said aloud to himself, "You know, I don't really like Dumbledore, but these rumors about him being gay just aren't true. Sure he makes suspicious comments about knitting patterns and wears beard accessories, but that doesn't automatically make him gay. I'm sure next they'll say that he had a summer fling with Grindelwald."
Voldemort started laughing uncontrollably.
"If only it wasn't the 80's, then I could tweet that. That was fucking hilarious. I would have gotten so many followers. Why haven't I dominated the world yet?"
All of a sudden, Voldemort heard a disturbance in the otherwise peaceful night; a cry of sorts coming from upstairs.
"Oh, right, the baby."
Voldemort trudged upstairs and entered the room of the whining infant. He walked to the crib and looked down. Baby Draco was blond, blue-eyed and crying. Voldemort wrinkled his nose at the putrid smell. He thought to himself, It smells so bad I wish I didn't have a nose.
"Hello, baby," Voldemort said.
Not knowing what to do, Voldemort picked Draco up by his shirt. The now dangling Draco started crying even harder.
"So, um, you need to be changed, don't you?"
Draco just cried.
Voldemort sighed, "Alright."
Voldemort placed Draco on the changing table and opened his poop filled diaper. Feeling so undignified, he cleaned up Draco and put on a new diaper. The only problem was that he couldn't figure out how to secure it. Voldemort was looking around the room when a warm liquid suddenly hit his face.
"AHHHHHHHHHH! DAMN IT! YOU STUPID BABY!"
Voldemort wiped the pee off of his face and had to watch it out of his hair.
"Sometimes I wish I didn't even have hair," he said.
Voldemort went back into the baby's room and secured the diaper by magic. Immediately after he did this, Draco soiled the diaper again. When Voldemort opened the diaper, already wanting to kill Draco, his face was yet again hit with warm liquid.
"WHAT THE HELL? THIS IS SO UNREALISTIC!"
Voldemort pulled out his wand and pointed it at Draco.
"CRUCIO!"
The baby cried, yelled and writhed in pain.
"Take that, baby. How do you like them apples?"
Draco gave Voldemort the dirtiest look any baby has ever given and said in the nastiest baby voice, "Dada hear 'bout this."
"Not if you want to live, you little butt trumpet."
Draco was quiet.
"I thought so," Voldemort said as he went down stairs.
He read more of his newspaper until more loud crying came from upstairs. Thinking that attractive models for the Deatheater calendar almost weren't worth it, Voldemort went upstairs.
"What do you want this time, you little brat?"
"Hungry."
"What do you want?"
"Apple."
"Well, there wasn't any mushed up apple stuff so you can't have that. You're choices are peach diarrhea or milk."
Draco thought long and hard about this.
"Milk."
Voldemort dangled Draco from his clothes and took him down stairs. He placed Draco on the counter and, without really looking in the fridge, grabbed him a container of milk. Draco began drinking it and, again without really looking, Voldemort grabbed his own milk.
"Tastes funny," Draco said.
"No, its fine, you insolent fool."
Voldemort took sips of his milk and noticed his tasted funny, but he ignored it.
Draco made a weird face and coughed up his milk. It landed all over Voldemort's face. At first, Voldemort was furious and was about to kill him, but then he smelled the milk on his face. It was his snake milk! Voldemort looked at Draco's bottle and realized it was in fact his milk.
Filled with the strangest kind of fear Voldemort looked at his milk. It was in a baby bottle and labeled BREAST MILK. Without meaning to Voldemort spit up his milk in Draco's face. The baby started crying. Voldemort was so annoyed with crying by now that he stuck his face close to Draco and started mimicking him.
"WAAHH! WAAHH! 'OH, I'm Draco!'" He got on the floor and rolled around. " WAAHH! WAAHH!" Voldemort stopped as he suddenly realized something. "Hey, I'm a powerful wizard. I could just use a potion or spell to put you asleep."
Voldemort did as he said and kept Draco asleep for the rest of the weekend. On Sunday afternoon when the Malfoys returned Voldemort left giving them only a glare.
The Next Day
When Voldemort got his morning prophet he found a picture of Draco peeing on him covering almost the entire front page. The headline read, DARK LORD or DIAPER LORD?
"DAMN IT!"
After his Attempt to Kill Harry Potter
"I fucking hate kids!"
After he got his New Body
"Be careful what you wish for because you just might lose your nose."