Hearts
And Flowers
**********
"So what are you doing for the
holiday?" Willow's voice carries through my apartment.
I step out of my bedroom and turn towards
her. "Holiday? There's a holiday? How come nobody told me?"
"Valentines?" Willow turns around
and crinkles her brows at me. "You know, hearts and flowers, whispered
sweet nothings, all that pink?"
"Oh, that." I shrug. "Seems
kind of pointless. I'm not with anyone right now. What about you?"
Willow turns away from me for a second,
in that way she has when she doesn't want to talk about something.
"Will? What aren't you telling me?"
She turns back to the wall and begins straightening the picture she had just
spent ten minutes hanging.
It was a fabric, hand-woven picture. Angel
sent it to me. He said the host at that karaoke bar gave it to him to give to
me. It was kind of strange, and I just *know* there's a story behind that, but
I haven't been able to bring myself to call Angel and ask about it. I'm glad
that Willow didn't ask me where I got it. That's a place I don't want to go.
Not yet anyway.
I look up and notice that Willow still
hasn't answered me. "Will? Come on, you know you want to tell me. What's
with the silent act?"
She doesn't turn around, but I can see
her shoulders slump slightly. "Tara left." Her words are spoken softly
and I have to strain to hear her.
"What do you meanleft?"
I ask coming closer to her. "Like on vacation, right?"
"Well, sort of." Willow turns
to face me then, but her eyes are on the floor.
"What do you mean sort of? She's coming
back, right?"
Willow walks over and flops down on my
couch. "I don't know. She said she was. But this is a really great opportunity
for her. She'd be crazy not to take it. And just to stay here, on the Hellmouth?
That's nuts!"
"Willow? We live on the Hellmouth."
I remind her.
She looks up at me, a sheepish smile on
her lips. "My point."
I shake my head, willing the useless thoughts
away, and trying to make some sort of sense out of what she's not saying. "Okay.
But what opportunity are we talking about here?"
Willow sighs and looks up at me. I take
a seat next to her as she begins to speak. "You remember that Wicca group
at school last year? The one I met Tara at?"
I start to nod but then shake my head.
I don't really remember it, but that was probably during the time when I wasn't
spending a lot of time with my best friend.
"Okay, well it was this group of girls
at school who were supposedly Wiccan. It was a joke. They were a joke. But that's
where I met Tara. It was during that time when the Gentleman came and took all
our voices."
I nod, only vaguely remembering hearing
about how she met Tara.
"Anyway, there was another girl in
the group. She left the week before I met Tara. I barely remember her. I guess
she thought they were a joke too." She grinned slightly. "But she
got involved in some sort of group that deals with magic and spells at a school
in LA."
Willow stops speaking and I have to rewind
everything she said in my head to see if I can understand her any better. I
can't. It didn't seem like she had told me everything.
"And?" I prod, knowing there
is more.
"Just before winter break, the girl,
Robyn, called Tara. She wanted her to come and join them, at this coven thing."
"And she decided to go?" I guess.
"Well not at first. At first she said
she wasn't going to go. That we needed her here. That I needed her here. But
then it didn't seem like Buffy needed any help with the Slaying, and I got sort
of busy helping Giles with the shop after Anya left, and well, then she said
that we didn't need her. That *I* didn't need her. So, she said she'd spend
a few weeks in Los Angeles, and then she'd be back."
"But you don't think she's coming
back?" I asked, knowing that she didn't.
"No, I don't."
I want to tell her that she was wrong,
that her girlfriend *is* coming back. But I can't. Not if I want to be honest.
The truth is I just don't know Tara well enough to judge whether she would come
back or not.
"So are you really upset about
this?" I ask, knowing that it's sort of a bad question, but since I don't
really know the answer, I should ask.
"Kind of." Willow tells me. "But,
it's more because I don't know than anything else. I mean I feel really bad
about how things went when she left. There wasn't anything that said that yes,
it was over. I just don't know."
"Well, you could go there and find
out." I offer.
Willow turns her head to look at me sharply.
"What? By myself? I don't think so!"
We were silent for a moment before she
speaks again. "Will you come with me?"
I nod before I've even really thought about
the implications.
Los Angeles.
Is that really a good idea? I mean, sure
I spent a week there, and nothing drastic happened. Only something *did* happen.
I'm just not sure what. It's been five weeks since I came back to Sunnydale.
Nothing's changed. Not really, but I have,
I think. Some sort of inconceivable difference has passed. I haven't spoken
to him since I left. At first I was sort of glad for that.
It was nice to come back and have some
space to *think*. Some time to really analyze what it was that happened in Los
Angeles. And believe it or not, I *do* analyze things. Really.
But now, over a month later, I think now
I'm getting irritated that I haven't heard from him. Sure, he sent that picture,
with a note. And the note *did* say to call him. So maybe this is where I have
to make the move.
I was the one who left the hotel without
really resolving things. He's the one who left things sort of open. So maybe
I should go with Willow. Maybe I should go and see *him* and see what happens.
****
Xander just called. He said he's coming.
Here. Tomorrow.
I know, it's no big deal really. He's
only coming for moral support. Something about Willow and a fight she had with
her girlfriend. I don't really remember too much about that part of the conversation.
I think I was concentrating on looking uninterested as Cordelia watched me speak
to Xander.
But, the bottom line is, he is coming
back to Los Angeles. And he's interested enough to actually make a stop here.
He even asked if Cordelia could make sure that Willow had a place to stay.
Funny. He didn't say anything about where
he would stay. What does *that* mean?
I'm not sure it's a good idea to even
*think* about that.
Although I admit I've given a lot of thought
to a lot of things since he left here after New Years.
Not the least of which is whether or not
Xander would take me up on my offer. Or if I even want him to. Oh, no question,
I *want* it. I *want* him. But that could be complicated. It could cause any
number of problems, for both of us.
I think I finally decided I really don't
care.
So much has happened this past year that
I think I'm tired of denying what I want. I'm tired of denying what I *could*
have, just because of my redemption. Doing *whatever* we may do won't
stop me from helping people.
There's nothing wrong with wanting some
happiness. I think I deserve that much. Although I'm not sure how much happiness
I can really afford to get. Still, I think I'll take the risk.
"So, Xander's coming?" Cordelia
asks me, bringing me out of my thoughts.
I turn to her and she's got this twinkle
in her eyes. I wonder what it is that's rolling around inside her head, but
on second thought, I'm not sure I want to know.
"Yes. He's bringing Willow. They have
something to do over at the university." I turn away and pick up a file
sitting on the top of the desk, hoping that maybe she'll drop it.
"He's bringing Will?" She asks.
"That's great! I can keep them company while you go see psychogirl."
I turn back around and glare at her. "Must
you call her that? She's really trying." I begin what seems like a regular
argument. "She's being released in a couple of months, and I would really
like for everyone to get along."
"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Be nice
to the crazy slayer. I've got it. So long as Buffy won't be making an appearance
any time soon, we're covered."
I smile at Cordelia when I realize that
she's been teasing me. Her eyes are shining with mirth. I should know better.
Really. I've been going to visit Faith every week, and Cordelia has never really
complained much. Not since the first month.
At least not seriously. I should know
her well enough by now to know that she can and will tease me about anything
that will be effective. And my trying to help Faith is kind of a sore spot.
"Don't you have work to do?"
I ask before heading up the stairs.
I know that Cordelia would get the rooms
ready, if I asked. But I think I could use a break. Besides there's something
calming about preparing a room for Xander.
The room next to mine is still in the same
condition he left it in.
****
I'm sitting in my car outside of this house
a few blocks away from the university. Willow went inside to talk to Tara and
I find myself just sitting here, thinking. Every once in awhile a car will drive
by with a bunch of screeching people. College students, I assume, and it's kind
of funny.
It wasn't too long ago that I felt like
the odd man out because I *wasn't* a college going fool like Buffy and Willow.
But now now I'm glad for it. I don't think I would have fit in too well
there. And not because I'm dumb. Because contrary to popular opinion, I do pretty
good with books, when I want to. When they're worth reading.
I read the book Angel got me for Christmas
cover to cover. And understood it too.
I didn't tell anyone about my time in Los
Angeles. What was I going to say? I'm not entirely sure what happened myself.
If anything happened.
I know that Giles would probably be interested
in my book. But if I told him about it I'd have to explain where I got it, and
*why* I got it. I'd have to explain that I really do find demonology fascinating,
and somehow I don't think that fits in with the image of me the Scooby's have.
It doesn't even with the image of me *I*
have. But yet, there I am. Or here I am.
I do wonder exactly what it is I'm doing
here. Have I made some sort of unconscious decision about Angel? What do I want
to happen? Do I want him? Well that's pretty much a given.
But anything that happens between us comes
with consequences. Big ones. Between the history he has with the Scoobies, and
the Slayer in particular and the clause on his soul, I know I should be thinking
twice about *anything* that involves him and I in any capacity.
But yet.
I'm thinking about anyway. In fact I think
I've pretty much thought it all out. I mean, I came here, didn't I? And yes,
I did it for Will. But it was more than that. If it was only for Willow, than
we would go right home. I wouldn't have bothered to call him and ask him for
a room.
I didn't mention needing a room for myself,
but somehow I don't think that will be a problem.
"Let's go." Willow slams the
door on her side of the car and looks out the window.
I follow her gaze and out of one of the
window's I can see Tara looking through the curtains. I turn away from the window
and focus on my friend. I can't see her face but I knew she is crying. She is
upset. I can almost *feel* the tears on her face.
I turn the car on and pull away from the
curb. It is silent in the car as I turn onto the freeway leading back to where
the Hyperion is located. I want to console her and tell her that everything
is going to be all right.
But I can't really do that. I have no
doubt that everything will be all right. I know she loved Tara. In some way,
but it didn't seem the all encompassing love that I know her to be capable of.
But as sure as I know that Willow will
be just fine, I know that she isn't ready to hear that yet.
So instead I drive.
****
He's here. I heard him come in a few minutes
ago. He's downstairs talking to Cordelia. Something's wrong. I can hear it in
his voice as he makes small talk.
"Where's Angel?" Xander asks
as I descend the stairs.
I'm watching him and so I know the moment
he sees me. He has this odd look on his face, almost as if he's surprised to
see me. Then he smiles.
"Deadboy." His voice is quiet
and I can see the smile in his eyes that reminds me that the name is no longer
an insult.
"Xander." My eyes linger on him
for a minute before I turn to Willow. "Willow, it's good to see you again."
Willow nods at me but no words escape her
and I find that kind of strange. I turn to Xander but he shakes his head slightly
and I catch the hidden meaning. He steps forwards and places a hand on my arm.
I know it's cliché'd but I feel
a current of *something* go through me at the touch. So much so that it takes
me a second to realize he's talking to me.
"Can I talk to you for a second?"
I nod and the two of us walk to the back
of the hotel, behind the front desk.
"Listen, Angel, I'm sorry about springing
this on you like this. Showing up unexpectedly. But Will she and Tara
just broke up. I think." He pauses for a second.
"On Valentines no less. No hearts
and flowers this year I guess." He chuckles a bit but it seems more bitter
than anything else. "You sure you don't mind? About us staying for a few
days?"
"I'm sure." I tell him. "You're
welcome anytime. You know that."
Xander shrugs. "I wasn't sure. I haven't
heard from you since I left."
"I wanted to give you some time. To
think." I tell him honestly. I leave out the part about how hard it was
*not* to call him.
When he doesn't comment one way or the
other, I have to ask. "Did you?"
"Did I what?" He asks me and
I'm not sure but I think he's got that amused look in his eyes that I can only
now recognize from the times I saw it over New Years.
"Think?" I ask him, a slight
edge creeping into my voice, not dangerous, but definitely serious.
Xander turns his head to look where Willow
and Cordelia are still standing, talking. When he turns back to me his eyes
have a glint to them. He steps closer to me, and places his hands on my shoulders
to bring us closer together.
I'm almost surprised when his lips touch
mine. But quickly my thought processes are completely gone as his warm tongue
is parting my lips. Then our tongues are dueling like in some ancient dance.
Before I know it, he's pulled his lips
away, although he's still clutching my shoulders.
"Yeah. I've thought about it."
He whispers, and his voice is slightly husky.
Before I can even think enough to comment
coherently, he's gone. He's stepping away from me and walking back towards Willow.
I can hear him speaking softly and in a
moment he's taking her upstairs. If it wasn't for the fact that I don't need
to breathe, I'm sure I would have passed out, from the oddity and shock, if
nothing else.
"Looks like you got your Valentine
this year."
When I turn to face her, Cordelia's grinning
at me. I can't help but smile back because she's right.
****
"I think you left something out."
Willow faces me and for the first time since we left Sunnydale she's got a smile
on her face.
"What?" I ask, still reeling
from my little encounter with Angel.
"What were you saying about not being
*with* anyone this year?" She shakes her head. "It's not nice to fib
to your best friend."
"I I wasn't fibbing. Really.
Angel and I We're I'm not sure what we are really."
Willow nods. "Fair enough." She
takes a look around the room before speaking again.
"Cordy tells me that Angel goes to
see Faith every week."
I nod. "Yeah. He's trying to help
her. Find redemption and all that."
"I was wondering if we could go with
him this week."
I turn around sharply. "What? Why?
I'd think you'd want to stay as far away from her as possible."
Willow smiles slightly. "Yeah, I know.
But I think we were all a bit unfair to her. We never really gave her a chance.
I'd like to remedy that."
"Sure. I'm sure Deadboy wouldn't mind.
I'll talk to him. In fact, I'll go and do that, right now." I leave the
room before I can think of a reason not to.
****
I find him in the kitchen of the Hotel,
rinsing out a mug. From the looks of it he was just finishing his dinner. And
as odd as it is, that doesn't really bother me.
"You know, this isn't really smart?"
I ask him as I step further into the room.
"I know." He tells me, and I
get the feeling that he does know, but that maybe he doesn't care.
"This could get really complicated."
I tell him.
"We'll go slow." He tells me
stepping away from the sink.
I smile. "Is this where I get the
bouquet of flowers and the red foil box of chocolate hearts?" I move closer.
"Is that what you want?" He asks
and I can tell his at least partially serious.
I grin. "Naw. I'm not really a hearts
and flowers kind of guy. Give me Vampires, Witches and Rogue Slayers any day
of the week and I'm set."
He chuckles as he comes closer. "Well,
we've got a witch, a rogue slayer, and even a seer, but I'm afraid you can't
have any of them."
"Why's that?" I ask, and we're
practically touching now.
"I don't like to share." He whispers
and it sounds distinctly like a growl, which I am finding I find decidedly sexy.
When our lips meet it's different than
it was before. More sure, more needy. More full of heat and fire and other things
I can't name. We're devouring each other in the kitchen of this large hotel,
and suddenly I don't find it at all bizarre.
Maybe *this* is worth the complications.
Maybe *he* is.
End Hearts and Flowers
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