The war ends.
It ends and everyone keeps saying that "they lost", but not to Pansy. I mean god she's alive and she's tired and she's angry but still alive. She's angry. Angry because Vince died, because so many people had to die, because she still has nightmares. She still get's dirty looks and some people have to audacity to call her things like "coward" but it's not like she cares. She's angry because no one understands that she was- is tired. Because no one payed attention to the thin girl with black hair and a green tie with blood stained palms who wanted nothing more than to just keep screaming- who just wanted people to stop dying. Because it's been 5 months since they went back to Hogwarts for their last year and no one want's to forget about how she tried to give Potter up to Voldemort, because she honestly did not think the life of some boy with some stupid scar was worth that of hundreds. Because she was scared, and confused, and she just did what she had to to survive. I mean by the time the war was starting she no longer believed the pureblood supremacist bullshit her parents had practically fucking drilled into her head, I mean Draco and Blaise were the same, they just-they just didn't want to die. Because she's insecure and she's a bitch and a bully on her best days and she's trying really hard to work on her flaws buts it's so hard. And the nightmares don't stop.
Vince's funeral is in May. His parent's died a while ago so some weird distant Aunt paid for the service and the burial and the only people who showed up were her, Blaise, Daphne, Millicent, and Draco. Greg's under house arrest but she doesn't think he should have gone anyways. It's raining and her heels fit wrong and her dress fits wrong and they lower his casket into the ground and it hurts and it shouldn't be like this not yet, this is all wrong. She doesn't cry until she's halfway home and the rain just keeps coming down.
Draco moves on. The circles under his eye's start to fade and he smiles I mean Draco never smiles it's weird and she saw him talking with Harry and people start to forgive him and he becomes head boy and shares a common room with goody-two shoes Granger of all people and her and Draco grow apart. Pansy tries her best to keep to herself until one day the unthinkable happens. It's Saturday and she get's an owl from Draco inviting her over to "talk over dinner" in emerald green ink. So she goes. She wears a long sleeved black dress and puts her hair up and brings a bottle of muggle wine she got when she ran away to Paris the summer after the war. She knocks on the beautiful ornate door to the Head Dorms and Draco lets her in and he smiles and looks at her with this condescending smile and a hint of pity and what the fuck is going on? The room is filled with dark wood and gorgeous shades of burgundy lining the walls and warm lighting coming from the fireplace and Harry fucking Potter and Hermione fucking Granger sitting at the dinner table. Pansy panics. She internalises this of course i mean she is Pansy Parkinson and she knew she was gonna have to deal with them sooner or later but god couldn't Draco have warned her? Wait why the hell is Draco doing this anyways? Pansy calmly walks into the kitchen and sets the bottle on the counter.
"Draco do you have a wine opener?" She asks politely because there is no way she's gonna get through this night sober.
"Uh- it's in the drawer to your left- Pansy we need to talk." He says well stutters, Draco is so socially awkward it hurts sometimes.
She pours herself a rather large glass and seats herself at the long table puts her hands underneath her chin and just smiles. Cause shes a bitch.
"So what did we all want to talk about? Is this an intervention because frankly we could do this without The Boy Who Saved the Fucking World and Little Miss Perfect." She says sweetly because well, again, she's a bitch.
" Parkinson this isn't about you." Potter interjects with this scathing look that honestly makes her gut just fucking wrench.
Pansy breathes and finally takes a look at everyone. Potter is still glaring at her over his stupid glasses I mean they're probably not even prescription and stabbing at his sauteed shrimp, then she see's Draco and Hermione. They- they look guilty and keep glancing at one another and it takes Pansy a second to catch on. It suddenly makes sense why he's suddenly kissing up to Potter and hanging around the library and I mean they share a fucking dorm together what did she expect. And she's not jealous god no. I mean sure her and Draco dated like a million years ago but it was awkward and more out of convenience and they're friends- best friends.
" Oh? Is that what this is about? Come on everyone already knows you guys are a thing it's obvious. How long has it been official? " She asks as nonchalantly as she can because she can't let them know that she didn't know.
Draco looks flustered and says " I don't know a few months, I wanted to tell you because you're my best friend and I just didn't know when or how and after everything with Vin-"
"Don't bring Vince into this." She snaps losing a bit of control.
Granger and Potter shift awkwardly and Draco looks guilty as all hell but she doesn't really care.
"Look Pansy." Hermione says in her huffy bossy speaks ass little voice "I don't like you, at all. But I know how much you mean to Draco so I at least want to be civil with you."
" Sure let's be civil. What's next? Are we gonna go braid each other's fucking pubic hair and gossip about boys at our sleepover tonight? " Pansy says sardonically.
" I'm really trying here okay?" Hermione snaps "Maybe we just- maybe we got off on the wrong foot."
The room is quiet and Pansy takes a sip of her drink and Draco sighs. She sees Draco intertwine his fingers with Grangers. And she's mad okay. She's mad because Draco gets to start over because Draco is forgiven but she can't be. I mean god he was the one that took the Dark Mark and had Voldemort sleeping in his fucking guest room and he was the one that threw around the M-word like it was no big deal. And she knows it's selfish and petty and stupid but she can't help but be mad.
" Pans I'm- fuck I'm happy. Like really happy. And I'm sorry we've grown apart but I still want you in my life but Hermione is now a big part of my life and I don't want things to be weird because of this." Draco says.
Potter's still sitting there pushing his food around his plate.
" Yeah- I mean I get it. I mean I'm not particularly happy about it right now, but I get it. What I don't get is why the fuck Potter is here." Pansy says changing the topic because Pansy doesn't do emotions or like feelings or whatever. Potter looks up and scowls.
"Well we wanted to talk about some things from uh- the war." Draco murmurs.
"Okay then let's talk, but I'm going to need a lot more wine." Pansy says confidently even though she's never talked about the war never talked about what the went through always covers up the fleshy white and pink scar that runs along her collarbones given to her from The Carrows during the final battle. She just can't.
" Why did you side with Voldemort." Potter says accusingly like god get over yourself.
"I'm a pureblood and a Slytherin, what other side was there for me to be on." She states defensively I mean this is her first time actually having a conversation with Potter and she already hates him like why did this asshole have to be our fucking savior.
"Fair enough." He says begrudgingly " Well why did you try to give me up?" He accuses once again.
There's silence. Potter's still staring at her and Draco and Hermione are pretending to busy themselves and she knows they want her to apologise but the thing is she isn't sorry.
"I was sick of people dying, I was sick of living in fear. I thought- still think that your life is not worth how many we've lost." She answers truthfully.
The silence this time is no longer awkward but just heavy. Pansy realises this is probably their first time recognizing the fact that they weren't the only people who were scared, who lost those they loved. Pansy kept drinking.