Author's Note: Okay, this is something I wrote as a joke during a conversation with a friend in spring 2015 as a joke about bad fanfiction. This is in NO WAY meant to be taken seriously AT ALL. It is absolutely ridiculous and supposed to be incredibly weird and somewhat disturbing to some. It is rated M for highly suggestive content and themes. If you don't enjoy very surreal and satirical humor, you may not want to read this.

If you are still reading, I warned you.

Eating in Class

Summary: Ichigo doesn't show up to class and Professor Levi calls him into detention to get a sweet surprise! ;) ;) YAOI LIME/FUTURE LEMON (or should I say strawberry lol) DON'T LIKE DON'T READ! (summary sucks, story is better)

Levi was annoyed, to say the least, an entire day and no sign of his second favorite student in all of Anime Crossover High, Ichigo Kurosaki. He sat hunched over his desk grading papers after class, not only irritated, but hungry. Suddenly he recalled the extent of his crossover setting and snapped his fingers, summoning Sebastian, his Bishounen demon butler.

"Yes, my lord?" the sexy man asked sexily.
"I'm starving. Go get me some strawberries and cream. While you're at it, fetch me that Kurosaki boy, I don't care if he's mourning the death of a loved one, he owes me a detention."
"Of course, my lord." and with that, he vanished.
Searching some kid out just to give him a detention seemed a bit overboard, but the Napoleon-like short man could not pass up any chance to dole out corporeal punishment, especially to fifteen year old boys with dead mothers and a powerful dark side unleashed under points of rage that are used to vanquish a scourge threatening humanity. A smirk formed across his thin lips as he thought a bit harder on the subject. It was funny: corporeal punishment with Corporal Levi. He took a mental note to use that as the title of his next BDSM session.
His thoughts were interrupted by the door opening and his butler carrying a beautifully arranged platter of strawberries and cream.
The plate of strawberries was delicately placed on his desk by elegant, gloved hands. Unfortunately, there was no orange haired shounen protagonist accompanying the fruit. Enraged, Levi Heichou stood up and slapped the handsome face of the sexy demon-butler-manservant. He did not so much as blink because he was, of course, one hell of a butler. Levi, however, did not agree with his alleged feats of unparalleled, inhuman excellence. Sure, he had killed his fair share of titans with silverware, but Levi had given him an order and he had failed, and the shorter man was very disappointed.
"What type of shitty butler are you?" he asked angrily. "I gave you two tasks and you botched the most important one! I believe I deserve a refund, my soul is worth better than this sub-par service."
The demon bowed politely before replying, "I apologize, my lord, but I did bring you the requested disobedient student." At that moment, the black haired man heard the sound of a throat being cleared from the direction of his desk. He turned around slowly and noticed for the first time that one of the strawberries appeared to be crowned with fuzzy orange leaves. No. This can't be, he turned the red fruit over and almost went into cardiac arrest as two familiar eyes peered up at at him from the seeded surface. His jaw went slack as he stared in shock at the beautiful face of his student transplanted on to a ripe, red strawberry, smeared with luxurious white cream.
"Mother of Kami," he muttered in an awestricken tone.
"Um, hello Levi-Sensei," Ichigo said tentatively, a pink blush spreading across his red cheeks. Suddenly, Levi's left nostril began spewing blood like a bursted high pressure hose, either due to the incredibly arousing sight of the strawberry-named boy as an actual strawberry covered in whipped cream, or his brain exploding in an attempt to comprehend the sheer absurdity of the current situation.
"Well, seeing as you are satisfied, I will take my leave," Sebastian said as he bowed and slid out of the room without even having to move his feet. Levi wiped away the ebbing stream of blood. Yes. Definitely the cream.
"So, Kurosaki-San, care to tell me why you were absent from class today?"
"Well, I sort of turned into a strawberry," the fruity teen replied sheepishly.
"So I see, at least you could have the decency to clean yourself off before coming to detention," said the clean freak teacher, scowling at the sticky cream that sullied his previously immaculate hands.
"I would, but I don't exactly have arms," the berry said in sorrow. Levi sighed.
"I suppose I'll have to clean you off myself." With that, the corporal brought the red fruit up to his lips and began slowly and sensually licking the sweet cream off of the the sentient plant person.
"S-sensei!" Ichigo moaned, his mouth was hot, both literally and metaphorically and he was not sure how much more he could take.
"Yes, Kurosaki-San?" hummed the teacher.
Before he could think better of it, he whispered "Sensei, I love you... Berry... Much." There was a shocked silence before he continued, "I want to be a part of you, Sensei."
Levi waggled his eyebrows suggestively before replying in a deep, seductive voice "That can be arranged. You do look delicious." He licked his lips.

~~~

The next day, Ichigo was not feeling that great, partially due to the fact that most of his right leg was chomped off and he had spent the entire previous day as a piece of fruit. It was worth it though, because now Levi-Sensei knew his true feelings and returned them. He smiled, but felt a lurch in his stomach and hopped on his remaining foot down the hall to the nurse's office. Inside was Dr. Stein, performing a vivisection on a human test subject. He looked up from his work to see the teen hobble into the room.
"What seems to be the problem?" he asked.
"I'm feeling a bit queasy, can I lie down for a while?"
"Sure thing, take the bed of there," replied the doctor, gesturing towards the bed with a bloody glove. Ichigo reclined into the surprisingly soft and comfortable cushions and before he knew it, he had drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
When he came to, Dr. Stein was leaning over the bed, an intrigued expression decorating his face.

"Oh, Kurosaki-San, you're awake, good. I have some news for you."
"What? Are hollows attacking the school?" He sat up suddenly before falling back down in pain originating from his abdomen.
"Interesting thing: did you know that fruit are a plant's ovaries and-"
"This isn't biology, I don't lecture me and get to the point," he interrupted sharply.
Stein sighed before telling Ichigo two words that would change his life forever.
"You're pregnant."

To be continued?