Oh dear, yes it's a sequel... the destruction that this piece of horror written literature may cause is... astronomical! Get your end of the world hazard suits ready! The end is near! Run, hide, buy a donkey and then lose your virginity!
Preferably not in that order!
P.S. Good luck solider.
yours insanely
Golumfryingeggs
"So you and Wynne?"
Sten sighed, (In reality it would be a appropriate to state that he took a slightly deeper breath than normal. In Sten's opinion Qunari should not in fact sigh as this might give the onlooker the twisted idea that the Qunari actually have lungs, which in turn would prove that they must have a heart. This was unacceptable. If it was possible he would stop breathing entirely, but that could pose some problems when fighting the next horde of Darkspawn. His response to this was quite profound and meaningful:
"Stupid oxygen relied body")
Why me?
He would never get used to these humans and their suggestive speaking. Why could they never be straightforward? Speak their minds and be done with it. If they want the sword say so, if they wish to kill a king do so! Why all this… crushing around the shrub? This was mostly the reason he preferred an ogres company over a humans.
At least you knew exactly what the ogre wanted. He wanted to rip my head off, which was fair enough seeing as I wanted to spill his guts.
We understood each other.
"I and Wynne, what, human?" he growled, staring straight ahead at the darkness of the trees, the quiet night mocking him with its no danger tendencies. Will a bloody Darkspawn just jump out already?!. Sten was on watch with the Templar and hating ever second of it.
Why do I always pair up with these pathetic humans?
He paused.
Then again his other options included a drunken dwarf, a slobbering dog, a fashion victim rock and an amorous elf. He glanced sideways at the templar, who was leaning against a tree. Thinking about it the humans were the last of his worries in this party.
That would have to be remedied, preferably with lots of screaming involved.
"You know what I mean," the man sang in that annoying tone of voice, he'd seen children do this sometimes. Simply proving, once and for all that his first impression was correct.
The man is an idiot.
"No I do not know" Sten growled, but Alistair laughed it off. Why was he cursed so?
"Yes you do" The man nodded in that annoyingly obnoxious way. "You should buy her something if you're into her, like a necklace or a new staff or something…"
He sighed, (really) the cool night air penetrating his lungs fully this time, "Why do you humans value gifts so?" he asked, thoroughly annoyed at the younger male. Darkness and shadows in trees tended to look like they could manifest into monsters from a blackened abyss.
Alistair's face looked like that had just happened.
"Don't you like gifts?" he asked horrified, as if such a thought was enough to tear the whole country apart in one go. In this land it probably was.
"I never said that human," he barked, but did not press the matter further. True he did care for the woman a great deal; she was one of the rare few he could converse with without thinking up ways to maul her.
But whether it was something deeper than friendship… he just wasn't sure. He'd watched her more than usual and had assessed in his own way that she was fair looking for her age.
Not that I do that on a daily basis, only when I'm eating, keeping watch, drinking, killing darkspawn, killing bandits, killing on the whole…
…
Damn
He glared at the templar and wondered viciously how he would go about killing the man with a branch in such a way that it would look like a bear had mauled him. It was an old trick he'd once seen, but never tried.
I'll have to find a thorny branch.
"It'll never work," Alistair suddenly said with a smug grin, turning his gaze back to the trees of the forest, he tossed a pebble into the small creek a few yards away. "The mutt will smell it a mile away,"
Twice over the head, once in the stomach, break a bone or two for effect and… wait what?
Sten clenched his jaw, surprised at the human's ability to read him so well. Blasted things! Far too much in touch with their emotions, that alone will be the end of them. He gave a sideways glance at the man… the human was still smiling.
"You have glare number three on your face" he shrugged giving the Qunari a look. "I'm going to kill you, painfully and enjoy it. But like I said, the dog will sniff you out easily,"
They numbered my glares?
He blinked.
I am awesome.
"True," Sten finally said, hiding a grin, "But that 'mutt' likes me, she does not, in fact, like you,"
"Of course she likes me!" Alistair laughed.
"You tried to take her food and told her that she might have eaten humans," Sten raised an eyebrow at the man, "She'll probably be glad to be rid of you," slowly he looked up and spied a thick branch among the leaves. Smiling he unsheathed Asala and with one mighty sweep slashed it from its hold. The piece of wood fell to the ground with a thud and with a few quick swipes of his blade; Sten removed all traces of twigs and leaves.
He weighed it in his hand… just for effect.
"W-what are you going to with that?" the human backed up as quickly as he could when Sten swung the limb experimentally. It was heavy; it had a sharp point and was covered in small thorns.
Perfect.
"I am going to kill you, painfully and enjoy it," Sten said plainly.
"Very f-funny Sten," Alistair smiled, but it quickly disappeared when he swung the branch up high over his head
"Yikes!" he yelped, holding his arms above his head for defense.
Sten suppressed a smile. Happy with the outcome, at least the human was terrified of him now.
Mission accomplished…
"I'm sorry for eating your cookies!"
He blinked.
… My cookies?
"You abomination!" he roared, the human yelped and quickly leapt out of the way just as the branch slammed into the forest floor. He rolled and quickly stood up just as Sten swiped at his head.
"I'll buy you some more! I swear!" he tried, but the giant was ignoring him flat out. Swinging the heavy branch at him like a sword, Alistair dodged to the right, just barely avoiding the deadly weapon of wood.
… and crashed right into a tree.
Look before you leap, Sten sneered inwardly.
He yelled in pain as his hand slammed into a large thorn, slicing straight through. Alistair collapsed on the forest floor, writhed in agony and Sten, realizing it might be serious, dropped the branch with a huff (which was technically a soft snort) to check on his companion.
"Let me see,"
"No!" the man moaned, holding his hand just out of reach.
"Stop being an infant!" Sten snapped, "And let me see,"
"I am warden! I don't need your help!" he growled angrily, pouting like a three year old "I have a health poultice, which I will use,"
Sten gritted his teeth.
Killing him now would save me a lot of trouble.
"Glare number 5" Alistair muttered.
"Human!" he warned.
"Fine!" Alistair snapped and quickly pushed himself up; he staggered to the small pouch by their tree and then carefully opened it with his one working hand. Alistair felt around and soon enough pulled out the small pot of poultice.
Sten went and stood beside the man, his back rigid and his eyes angry. No creature alive would dare speak to him when he was in such a-
"I think you two would make a cute couple," the templar started.
Oh Parshaara… please…
"I mean you're like this mean guy and she's like this calm friendly type," he smiled fondly as he continued; "I mean it's just like the perfect match! All you have to do is learn to keep that temper in!"
Not with you around. He growled inwardly, trying to keep the glare from forming on his brow.
She was a magnificent woman, this was obvious, but whether she would accept him remained to be seen. He was younger, stronger, a lot bigger… in a lot of ways… and he was a Qunari. Idly he wondered if she would even do the Act if he presented a gift. The Qunari did have certain ideas about certain things…
"Here,"
"Oh, Sten!" she smiled holding the necklace in her hands, "Thank you very much; what can I do in return?"
He told her.
"You're going to put the necklace where?"
He showed her.
"By the grace of Andraste, help me!" she screamed running from the tent as fast as her legs could carry her. And what fine legs they were indeed.
The other members charged from their tents, weapons ready and fists flailing in the darkness. Torches were lit and the fury of the pack reigned down upon him in two terrifying words;
"Castrate him!"
"It might be a good idea," Alistair said, while chewing on an apple, the juices trickled down his face and into his armor, "I'm going to the market tomorrow and then you can get her something. I mean she'll love getting a gift and then you both can know once and for all what goes for what. Sten? Are you alright?"
They'll never take me alive!
Yes I am aware it is not funny, nor was it well written, but unfortunately for you... I have decided on a second chapter. So you're going to have to deal with it!
Unless your planning on trying out those brand new war axes, in which case I'll just slowly slink away, disappear in the slimy slug caverns and take my badly written fics with me. I'm flexible.... my prrrrrrecious.
yours insanely
*Gollum*fryingeggs