For season two of the Clone Wars TV series, rumors of a "love interest" for Obi-Wan have culminated into a character called Duchess Satine (per Wookieepedia), a pacifist with whom Obi-Wan apparently has a short-lived affair. The wonderful elthegeneral (Google him on deviantART) has also pieced together some fan-art based on concept art from Disney's Star Wars Weekends event. Together, this has sparked ridiculous amounts of speculation and snarking. (I am personally trying to remain neutral – I hated the idea of Ahsoka at this stage of development last year, but she's since become one of my favorite characters.)

Summary: Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place … except when it doesn't. Like Dave Filoni, I am capitalizing on the "Moulin Rouge" reference with the story title. Rated PG-13. Dedicated to Nic, who hated on Satine first and in the funniest way (ROYAL REGAL SONS FOREVER). Siri is property of/originally from Jude Watson's Jedi Apprentice/Jedi Quest book series.

Come What May


1.

Arfour was, for all intents and purposes, a fully functioning droid, but all the same, Obi-Wan couldn't help be concerned that Anakin had programmed it with such a cloying personality. "Hooray, we're alone together!" its – her – programming code-to-Basic read-out transcribed. "Let's tell secrets!"

"Not now," Obi-Wan chided absently, his mind on other things.

Arfour whirred – if Obi-Wan didn't know better, he'd think she was irritated. "It's that woman, isn't it? You're cheating on me with that Duchess!" The read-out spat some garbled language that Obi-Wan assumed to be sophisticated droid-swearing.

"This is wrong on so many levels," Obi-Wan muttered.

2.

"Thinking about her again?" Anakin prodded. They were alone in a two-seater ship, a routine reconnaissance mission that nonetheless required warm bodies, and apparently bored enough to make small talk.

"Who?" Obi-Wan asked, but didn't look up from buffing his nails.

"You know who," Anakin growled. "Her. Your girlfriend."

"Oh, the Duchess," Obi-Wan corrected, yawning. "And what makes you think I'm thinking of her? Or of anything? Perhaps I'm thoughtless."

"Attachment's forbidden, you know," Anakin bristled.

"I had no idea."

Anakin beamed. "Good thing you have me around to remind you."

Obi-Wan crossed his arms and hoped for space pirates.

3.

Lightsaber-to-throat, Obi-Wan would admit to occasionally maneuvering himself into the line of Separatist fire in hopes of running into Asajj Ventress. She wasn't bad to look at, and unlike Anakin, was more articulate than a youngling.

Also, they had a long-standing booty call.

"Pants, Kenobi," the assassin ordered, stripping. Obi-Wan watched her breasts jiggle appreciatively and followed suit. Garments piled atop mutually discarded weapons.

Ventress bounced on his lap a few times. "Heard you had a girlfriend," she hissed suddenly. "I'm going to kill her and make you watch."

"So romantic," Obi-Wan crooned, then shoved his tongue down her throat.

4.

The Duchess' private quarters offered privacy, despite her corral of guards. Obi-Wan stroked his beloved's face tenderly. "Attachment is forbidden to Jedi," he whispered. "But I must make an exception. I hope you won't think less of me."

"Oh, I will." Satine's usually soft voice was suddenly caustic. Obi-Wan bolted up, déjà vu washing over him. "Siri?"

"Fooled you," Siri crowed. She unpinned her elaborate hairstyle and farted loudly. "I've been holding that in for hours."

Obi-Wan sighed. "So I'm not in love with a beautiful, cultured pacifist?"

Siri tackled him. "Just a Jedi who kicks your ass at hide-and-seek."

5.

"Did anyone see you?" the Duchess asked.

Obi-Wan shook his head. "No one," he promised. Paranoia was warranted: It was late, as Satine's flimsy nightgown and the expensive crème slathered across her face indicated; Obi-Wan's currently being in her private quarters was indefensible on principle. Garnering Holonet gossip during public appearances was bad enough.

"I apologize for the secrecy, Master Kenobi," she smiled. "But you understand the necessity." She pulled a small package from her bathrobe.

"Nobody would understand," Obi-Wan agreed. He sat opposite her and picked up a handful of cards. "Where did you learn to play sabacc, anyways?"