To Hope Beyond Hope
A fanfiction © by Sandy
Doug was sitting on his veranda, took a sip from his beer and looked at the stars above him. It was a chill night, not too cold and the moon spent a good light. At such moments he always felt incredibly alone. God, it was four years since he lived here; four years without her; four years without his children. Four years and he still missed her. Four years and he still didn't stop to love her. He already missed four years in Tess' and Kate's life. Carol often sent him letters with pictures and they talked on the phone from time to time but he missed so much. Too much. He still respected Carol's wish not to come back and he asked her every time to come to Seattle, but she never came. Four years and he still was waiting for her, for them, to come. He was a father, but he didn't see himself as a father. He wasn't there for his girls and that thought killed him every time a little bit more.
The ringing of the phone inside the house interrupted his thoughts. The answering machine was on, but maybe it was something important at that time of the day. So Doug got up and went inside. "Doug Ross", he answered the phone, closed his eyes and wiped over his face with his hand. "Doug, is that you?" he heard and opened his eyes again. "Mark? Mark Greene? Wow…hi! How are you?" he smiled, happy to hear from his old buddy again. "Doug…I don't have good news", Mark said and Doug's heart started to beat faster. Something happened. "What is it, Mark?" he asked, not wanting to hear his answer; not believing that this was real. "I don't want to tell you this on the phone…but Doug, maybe you should come to Chicago. We need you…as soon as possible", Mark answered and everything started to turn around Doug. "Okay…okay, I'll come. I'll take the next flight…Mark, is it Carol?" Doug asked. "I'll tell you everything when you arrive here. Hurry up, Doug", Mark said and with that they both hung up.
"Steph? I'm sorry for waking you up…I…I", he was a mess; he didn't even know what to say. "Dr. Ross, is everything okay?" Steph asked worried. "I won't come into work the next few days. I have to go back to Chicago…something happened. Please tell Dr. Vandini that I'll call", he finally told her. "Okay…okay…good luck, Dr. Ross", Stephanie answered and Doug hung up again. He needed to focus again and he needed to hurry up.
When the plane landed in Chicago, he woke up again. Finally he was here…but he wasn't happy at all. He just thought about all the scenarios that could be…but that hurt even more. He functioned like a robot; he didn't even remember getting into the taxi or telling the driver where to go, but suddenly he was in front of Cook County General. After he paid the driver, he got out of the car and looked up the tall building that was like his home for so many years. Right here at this place he looked into her eyes for the first time ever…it felt like just yesterday. He took a deep breath and went inside. Although many things chanced here, he immediately felt the good old ER vibe. Looking around, he saw many new faces. Maybe Carol would come around the corner and tell him that everything was just a joke…but she wasn't here. "Doug", he heard Mark and turned around to hug his friend. "What happened?" he asked once again. "Come on, I'll tell you everything in the lounge", Mark answered and Doug followed him with a thousands of questions in his mind.
How could something like that happen to them? Just some days ago he got a letter from her again; he wanted to call her then, but he only got her answering machine. "Can I see her?" he then asked and Mark nodded. "Of course. She's at the ICU…I'll bring you upstairs", Mark said and Doug nodded.
When they arrived in front of her room, Mark left again, knowing that Doug needed this moment alone with her. Doug looked inside and saw her attached to all the machines…he so wished that it wasn't her. "Do you need help?" a nurse asked and he almost jumped. "I…can…can I go inside her room?" he asked. "Are you family?" the nurse asked and Doug nodded. But was he? He needed to go inside and talk to her. "I am…I'm her…I'm her fiancé", he said and that wasn't really a lie. "Oh, of course you can go in then. I'm really sorry for what happened to her", the nurse said and he nodded, not really paying attention to her.
He took a seat beside her bed and touched her cheek. She didn't even stir. There were so many things he wanted to say to her, but no sound came out of his mouth. He just sat there and watched her sleeping. Mark's voice ran through his head over and over again and again he wished that it was all just a dream.
"Mark…" he said almost out of breath when he found him again, "can I see the girls?" "Of course…Tess is still at the ICU, but she was awake already. Kate's at the pedes ward", Mark answered and Doug nodded. "Mark…thank you for everything you did. Thanks", he said and Mark hugged him. "Of course. We did everything possible", Mark answered.
When Doug arrived at the kids ICU, he looked through the glass window to Tess' room. He saw his daughter laying there, a cast on her arm, bruises on her face and then he couldn't hold back his tears anymore. This was all just too much. He so wanted to get to know them, but not like this. No. "Are you okay?" he suddenly heard and he turned around, wiping away his tears. "Ah…no, not really", he tried to smile and looked back to Tess. "You're Dr. Ross, right?" the young woman asked and he nodded. "I am…how do you know?" he asked. "We're working on your PCA-studies…but we can talk later. Go, visit your daughter…she's much better after the surgery. She already ate a pudding", Dr. Marley told him and he nodded.
When he entered the room, Tess turned her head to look at him. Doug looked into his daughter's eyes for the very first time. God, she looked so much like Carol. "Hi, Tess", he silently spoke and took a seat beside her bed. He couldn't believe that he finally met his daughter…he just wished it would be a different situation than this. "Hi", she answered silently and Doug smiled a little. "I'm Doug", Doug said not knowing what to say to a four year old who had no idea who he was. "I know", Tess answered instead and Doug looked at her with a furrowed brow. "You're on pictures with our mommy", she added and Doug nodded smiling. "How are you feeling?" he then asked, still concerned about her condition. "I'm tired and my belly hurts…can't Kate sleep here? Where's mommy?" she suddenly started to cry, so Doug went closer to her and stroke over her head. "I'll tell the doctor to give you some good medicine, so you'll be okay as soon as possible. Kate's in another room, but you can visit her when you're feeling better okay? And mommy…" he paused. How should he tell his four year old that her mommy was in a coma, that she probably won't…no. He couldn't even think about it. "Mommy is sleeping…she's sleeping very, very deeply to get better. And you should sleep too…it was an eventful day after all", he finished and Tess nodded. "Okay…I'm really tired and I don't know what happened", Tess said and closed her eyes. "Okay…just don't think about it…I'll see you later again", Doug said and got up again. "Good night, baby", he said, kissed her forehead and started to leave the room again. "Good night, daddy", he suddenly heard and his heart stopped to beat.
So they knew? How…did Carol tell them about him? Happiness flooded through his body and then again, he couldn't hold back his tears. All this was just too much.
Kate was watching TV. She was alone in a room, not looking as bad as Tess, but some bruises here and there. When Doug went into the room, she didn't even look at him. God, how should he tell them apart? They looked so much alike. "Hey…what are you watching?" he asked and finally she turned her head to him. Her eyes…she was so beautiful. Just plain perfect. "I know you from somewhere", she said and looked at him with questioning eyes. "Yeah, you're on pictures with mommy…she said that you're our daddy", she added and Doug smiled again. "Yeah…that's me", he nodded and took a deep breath. He wasn't really a daddy to them but he already couldn't imagine leaving them ever again. "Can't Tess come? Here's a bed free", she then asked, pointing to the other hospital bed in the room. "She'll come here when she's feeling better. How are you feeling, Katie?" he asked again. "I'm okay. My knee hurts…but uncle Mark helped me earlier. Where's mommy?" she then asked. Now he had to say those words again. It hurt so much. "Mommy is sleeping very, very deeply to get better. It will take a long time", he told her and Kate nodded. "Will you take care of us while she's sleeping?" she asked silently and Doug's heart started to break apart. His daughter was perfect. "Yeah…if you let me", he answered and took her hand in his. "Of course, Tess and I can't live alone", she shook her head and Doug chuckled. "That's right…but you should sleep now. It's late already", he answered smiling. "Okay", she said and turned the TV off, "will you come back tomorrow?" "Sure thing. Good night, baby", Doug answered, kissed her forehead and tucked her into the blanket. "Good night, daddy", Kate answered and he smiled again.
Outside of the room he found Mark again. "So you already play the fool with the girls again", Mark smiled a little and Doug nodded. "They're wonderful", he said. "They are", Mark answered and sighed. "Mark…will she wake up?" Doug then asked, afraid of the answer. "We still can hope", Mark said and sighed again.
He sat by her side the whole night. The sound of the machines didn't let him sleep; he didn't even want to sleep…afraid to wake up without her. He was so scared to lose her, not to talk to her ever again, not to touch her. In this night, he only sat there, holding her hand and watching her sleep.
When the first sunlight came in, it was time to go to his daughters again.
Tess was already in Kate's room and they were watching TV again. "Good morning, girls", Doug smiled as the entered the room. "Good morning, daddy", they said and smiled at him too. He couldn't describe this feeling he had when he saw his girls. He was so happy to be with them. "How was your night?" he asked, taking a seat. Kate shrugged her shoulders. "We were sleeping", she said and Doug nodded. "Can we go see mommy?" Tess then asked and Doug thought about it. It would be a terrible sight for the girls, but then again they had the right to see her. Maybe Carol would recognize their voices…maybe. "Yes, let's visit her", Doug then said and helped both out of the bed.
"Tess, Kate…mommy has a tube in her mouth and there are a lot of machines inside her room. Are you okay with that?" he asked carefully before they went into Carol's room. Tess and Kate both nodded, although he knew that they were scared. Both searched for his hand when they went in. "Hey mommy", the twins said silently and Doug felt the tears in his eyes again. Carol wasn't moving or giving any sign that she was with them. "Will she be okay?" Tess then almost whispered and Doug looked at her. "I don't know", was all he could say. Nobody knew. He had no idea how he could explain that to four year olds. "You can make her okay, you're a doctor", Kate then said and Doug smiled a little. "I can't help your mommy. She has to do it alone", he said and stroke over Kate's curls.
When Kate was released from the hospital, Doug realized that he had no idea how things should continue. It would've been so much easier, if Carol was here…if she could only tell him how things were at home, at their home. "Are we driving with the El? Cause our car is broken", Kate asked as she looked up to her dad. Doug smiled at her and nodded. He had to rent a car as soon as possible. "Do you often take the El?" he asked then, trying to get some information out of his four year old. "Not that often", Kate murmured and Doug nodded. "Are you living with us now?" she then asked. "If you let me", Doug smiled again and Kate's eyes lit up. "But of course, daddy. You can sleep in mommy's bed until she comes back", Kate answered delighted. Until she's coming back. He didn't even know if she'd ever come back. If she would wake up next to him in the morning or fall asleep in his arms at night.
Carol's house didn't change that much. She had some new furniture but except of that it was like he remembered it. As he went to the stairs, he found four pictures of Tess and Kate. The first one showed them as little babies with soothers in their mouths; the second one showed them at their first attempts to walk; on the third one they were wearing too big basketball dresses and the fourth one showed them grinning into the camera at their birthday party. He missed all of this…and he so badly wanted to be there when all those things happened.
"Daddy, I'm hungry", Kate called and interrupted his thoughts. "Okay Sugar, let's see what we have in the fridge", he said and went into the kitchen. Most of the things in there were old, but nevertheless he was able to make a sandwich. As Kate was enjoying the sandwich, he got a piece of paper and a pen. "You want to color?" Kate asked and Doug chuckled. "No, sweetheart. I'm writing a list for things we have to do…first, rent a car", he answered and wrote it down. "And we need to go shopping, right?" Kate said. Doug nodded and wrote it down too. "We can go shopping when we get your sister from the hospital", he suggested and Kate nodded happily.
Some hours later Kate fell asleep on the couch. Doug picked her up carefully and carried her upstairs to their room. He tucked her under her blanket and then watched her sleeping. She looked so much like Carol. She definitely got her curls, while Tess' hair was more straight and brighter. God, he already loved them so much. They were wonderful.
The next morning they went to rent a car. "You like this one?" Doug asked his daughter and she made a face. "Okay, I assume you don't like that one" he chuckled. "I like this one!" Kate cheered happily as she found a black Jeep. Doug closed his eyes and smiled. Just a newer version of the one he had back in Chicago. "A very good choice, Mrs. Ross", he then said and stroke over Kate's head.
After everything was settled with the car, they were driving to the hospital to get Tess. Tess herself was very happy to go home and spend time with her daddy and sister. Only that stupid cast on her arm bothered her. "Only some weeks and we can get it off", Doug said and Tess nodded. "Hey Mark", Doug then said as he found his friend down at the ER. "Hey there…now look at you!" Mark bent down to the twins and they smiled at him. "Look, I have a cast", Tess said and held her arm up so Mark could see it. "Very impressive, huh? Can I sign it?" Mark asked and Tess nodded. "Hey Mark, would you watch them for some minutes? I wanna go up to ICU", Doug asked. "Sure thing…so Twinnies (as Mark used to call the twins), wanna grab something to drink in the lounge?" Mark asked the girls who nodded and followed him.
"Good morning, Dr. Ross", the doctor in Carol's room said as he was looking at her chart. "Good morning…any news?" Doug asked, afraid to hear the answer. "Not yet…she still needs the respirator, no lung activity", the doctor answered and Doug nodded. "If you need anything else, just find me outside", he added. "Thanks doctor", Doug answered and went to Carol's bed. Damn…no progress at all. Why? Why did she have to go through this? He took her hand in his. "Hey Care…it's me again. Today Tess is coming home with us. They…they miss you so much, Carol. I miss you. God, I'm so sorry I wasn't here. I'm so sorry. I wish I could take those four years back…can you hear me Carol? If you hear me, squeeze my hand…just…give me a sign", he almost begged. But she didn't give him a sign. No squeezing, no winking…no nothing. Doug took a deep breath, kissed her on the cheek and left the room. His daughters needed him.
Tess and Kate were sitting in the shopping cart as Doug pushed them through the alleys. "So, what do we need?" he murmured and hated himself for not writing a shopping list. "MUFFINS!" the twins echoed and Doug chuckled. "Alright, muffins it is…and what about all the healthy food to eat?" he asked and the twins made a face. "Okay, I see where this is leading" he chuckled and wished once more that Carol was with him. A sight to the very famous Animal Crackers sent shivers down his spine.
Back at home, Tess and Kate sat on the kitchen counter and told them where to put all the stuff they bought while they enjoyed their delicious chocolate muffins. "So, what do you guys say about mac and cheese?" Doug asked as he was finished. "Yay", the twins clapped their hands smiling. "Take that as a yes", Doug chuckled and started to prepare dinner.
Later that evening he brought his daughters to bed and tucked them in. "Daddy?" Tess asked and he looked at her. "Can we go see mommy again?" she asked and Doug sat down in front of her bed. "Of course, Peanut. We can visit mommy every day, as often as you want", he answered and Tess smiled. "I miss mommy", Kate then said and hugged her teddy tight. "I know, honey. We all miss her…but I'm sure she's thinking of you both…and we just have to hope that she gets better", Doug answered and stroke over Kate's head. If only he could tell them happier news…it broke his heart to see the girls like this.
The next morning, Doug got the twins ready to visit Carol. Something he didn't miss was the daily traffic jam on Chicago's streets. "Next time we better take the El", Kate said and sighed. Doug chuckled. "Why didn't we think about that earlier?" he asked and looked at her through the back mirror. "Well daddy, you didn't ask", Kate answered and looked out of the window. Doug chuckled again, amazed by her answer. She was quite a tough one. And finally, what felt like a decade later, they found a parking lot near the hospital.
"Hey mommy, it's us…Tess and Kate!" Tess smiled as they entered Carol's room. "We painted you pictures", Kate said and held them up so Carol could see them. But she didn't. She didn't open her eyes to look at the drawings. "Tell her what we did yesterday", Doug suggested. "We went shopping with daddy", Tess said and crawled onto Doug's lap. "Yes, and he bought us muffins!" Kate said, still standing near Carol's face. "Can I touch her?" she then whispered, turning around to her father and Doug nodded. Kate touched Carol's cheek and whispered 'wake up' into her ear. Doug closed his eyes. He knew that they missed Carol…they didn't even understand why she was laying there. "Can I give mommy a kiss?" Tess then asked silently and Doug nodded again. So she crawled down Doug's lap again and kissed her mother's cheek. Right then Carol blinked with her eye. Doug smiled a little. Maybe it was her way to say thank you. But that blinking was in the past again. He needed other signs. If only she would move her fingers. No, she was laying there with all the machines around her that kept her alive, not saying: "No, don't leave yet. Stay a little bit longer" as Doug left with the twins again.
One week passed but Carol's condition didn't change. Doug and the twins visited her every day, told her stories and painted her pictures. The twins often asked when she would wake up, but Doug didn't have an answer for them.
One sunny Sunday they visited her again. "Hey mommy, we went to the cinema yesterday", Tess told her excited. "Yeah, there's such a biiiiiig TV, so much bigger than ours at home, mommy", Kate said. "Yes, and afterwards we went to the playground…we got you a teddy!" Tess said and laid the teddy bear on Carol's bed. "He has your favorite color…we didn't give him a name yet; Tess and Kate thought that you would want to name him", Doug said, as he went closer to the bed. Kate looked closely at her mother. She hated that tube in her mouth. She hated the beeping of the monitor. She hated everything in this room. "She can't hear us at all, right?" Kate then asked when she turned around to Doug. "Oh god, I don't know, Kate", Doug said, closing his eyes. "If she could hear us, she would wake up! She always woke up when we talked to her at home!" Kate started to cry. Doug hugged her immediately but he didn't even know what to answer her. It was just so damn hard. "Daddy, will mommy die?" Tess then asked silently and Doug hugged her too. "You see all this stuff around her?" he asked and Tess nodded. "If she's not getting better and they turn off all this machines here, she'll die", he said, not believing that these words really came out of his mouth. "No! She's not allowed to do this! She's not allowed, right daddy?" Kate asked angrily and Doug nodded. "No, not yet", he answered and looked at Carol again. Not yet.
Some minutes later they left the room to go down to the ER. "Kids, will you stay here for a moment? I have to talk with a doctor about mommy, okay?" he asked the twins and they nodded, already knowing their way to the lounge.
Doug went back upstairs, knowing that this would be the last time to visit Carol. This morning the doctor told him that they wouldn't wait any longer, if there was no sign of progress. One last time he would talk to her. One last time he would hold her hand. One last time he would touch her face. Somehow, all of this still felt like a dream.
He took her hand and kissed it. He watched her closely, soaking in her sight. God, he loved this woman, more than his own life. How should he go on without her? Without knowing that she was okay, that she was living happily with their daughters? This wasn't fair. And this wasn't right at all. "Hey Care…it's me again", he started and looked down. "The doctors…they…they said they can't wait for a miracle…I just…I just wanted to talk to you again, before you…before you leave. There's so much I wanted to tell you, but not this way. I love you, Carol. I've always loved you. Those four years were miserable…I know that I can't have them back, but I wanted to make it up to you. We miss you so much…the girls, they cry so much…they don't understand why you're here…and…sometimes I don't know what to tell them. I love them, Carol. They're perfect…they're wonderful. But we need you…they need their mommy. Carol, please…just squeeze my hand…give me a sing, just…something, please!" He didn't even notice that he started to cry. "Squeeze it…or go. If you want, you can go. If there's a better place for you, go…leave us!" He waited for a sign for some moments, but nothing happened. Closing his eyes, he laid her hand back on the bed. "I love you", he whispered, got up and turned around to leave. It was the hardest thing to do.
One last time he wanted to see her. As he turned around, he looked straight into her opened eyes…the most beautiful, frightened eyes that were searching for him. Carol was awake, and she gave him the sign he needed.