Rodolphus or Anita?
Basically, I came up with this idea on xoxLewrahxox's forum about Bellatrix, on the topic 'Where was Rodolphus in books 6 and 7?'
Crack fic! Enjoy, and review please x
Bellatrix gazed around her in expectation, hoping that he would appear from one of the shadows of the alley ways. Something was wrong. She could feel it. Unconsciously, she began tapping her foot, infuriating her fellow death eaters that gathered around her. Just as Lucius Malfoy prepared to hiss at her, a blood-churning voice echoed through the walls of Hogsmeade.
"Bellatrix?" The witch turned around instantly, her heart fluttering. The Dark Lord was as serpent looking as ever, his skin opaque and his scarlet eyes burning into her core, blackening her heart, "Where is your husband? Where is Rodolphus?"
His voice was worse then shouting. Or screaming. It was calm.
"I do not know, my lord" replied Bellatrix, annoyance and worry coursing through her as she glanced around her again in the hope he would wander out form somewhere. How dare he be late!
"We cannot wait for him" the Dark Lord replied shortly, and in the swish of his cloak, he turned to the mighty castle of Hogwarts. War had finally dawned.
……………………………………..
With the crack of a whip, Rodolphus apparated. Groaning, he rubbed his bruised head and picked himself up from the floor. He had never had such a rough ride since he had first learnt the art of travelling by magic. Music deafened him, like he had his head next to a fifty foot speaker. Something light, almost like feathers, fell on him, and as he opened his eyes, he noticed it to be brightly coloured confetti.
He froze, gaping around him. The parade was in full heat, people littering the street and colour blinding him. The bold words, 'Armagh's Lesbian Parade' were directly in from of him, on the side of a huge float shaped as a stage with strip poles. Women in very little clothing were dancing on them, grins plastered to there plastic faces. Ireland? He thought, Well this can't be right…
Before he could breathe again, he felt himself being pulled to his feet. Turning, he came face to face with a ghastly woman, her teeth black and gold. Her hair was brittle, like hay, and bleached blonde, making the woman in her late forties look like a sad fool. A boob-tube top that she wore almost made the wizard grimace.
"Well hello there" said the woman, her voice deep, "Ain't you a butch bird?"
Rodolphus just gaped, shock still in his system. The woman grinned and he widened his eyes in fear. The last thing he saw was a pink padded bra falling from the sky before he fell backwards, darkness taking over.
………………………
"Honestly officer" said Rodolphus, padding blusher onto his face while staring at his reflection in the hand mirror he held, "I'm telling you. My name is Anita. I came here for the parade. Why don't you believe me?"
The officer stared at the deranged man in front him, scratching his head in a confused way. As Rodolphus was handed mascara by an elderly woman beside him, the police man shook his head,
"Look sir, I don't know what you think you're playing at, but you should really be getting yourself home". Rodolphus raised his eyebrows suggestively, his voice so high, he sounding camp,
"Oh! I couldn't agree more" he said, linking the same woman in her late forties, who beamed and adjusted her top, and turning towards the parade.
Back at Hogwarts, Bellatrix sighed, her thoughts being only that her husband was fool. She had no idea.