I Can't Do This

by CapNicholls

Darry thinking having a mental breakdown things after their parents die. Didn't turn out as long or as well as I'd hoped. Disclaimer: I own nothing.

I can't do this. I can't be them. I can't take their place.

I don't know how to do this. Every time I look at Ponyboy or Soda, I panic. How am I supposed to do this? Every time Ponyboy cries, I freeze up. What do I do? And it's always Soda who holds him and tells him it'll be okay. Soda's better at this than I am. But even he expects me to know what to do, to be the decision-maker. I'm barely twenty - I don't know how to run a family. I don't know how to take care of them. But I have to. Somehow, I have to. Because when I saw the fear on their faces when they found out we could get split up… I can't let it happen. I won't.

I'm doing everything wrong. How did they do it? Pony and Soda are relying on me, looking to me as the strong one. I can't let them see that I'm just as terrified as they are. In the blink of an eye, it feels like I've had the weight of the world thrust on my shoulders. Everyone expects me to just rise to meet it. I've had to grow up overnight.

How am I supposed to do this? Every time Soda suddenly bites his lip, trying not to cry, every time Ponyboy wakes ups screaming…

I

can't

do

this.