To Be Loved Chapter 1, a manhua/chinese comics/漫画 fanfic

Fandom: The King's Avatar (Cartoon) | 全职高手 - 蝴蝶蓝 | Quánzhí Gāoshǒu - Húdié Lán

Relationships: 高乔 | Gāo Yīngjié/Qiáo Yīfān

Chapter 1: The stars from a midnight sky, the melody from a lullaby

"I'll see you later tonight," Gao Yingjie murmurs against Qiao Yifan's forehead. Pressing a final kiss to the soft skin before backing off, he sends his lover a gentle smile. "Don't work yourself too hard; you're still recovering."

Qiao Yifan nods, wrapping his arms around Gao Yingjie tightly as a goodbye. "You're going to be late again?" he whispers hoarsely.

"Ah ah ah. You should not be using your voice," Gao Yingjie replies worriedly, tapping Qiao Yifan's nose playfully. "But unfortunately, yes."

He wriggles a little in the barely taller man's embrace before breaking free. He grabs his keys off the kitchen counter. "Now remember, there's lunch prepared in the fridge, and your medicine should be taken right after you eat, not before. I'll check in at one to make sure you are following the doctor's orders. Just rest and get well." He brushes his nose against Qiao Yifan's in an eskimo kiss before heading off. "No singing! Or talking more than you need to," he amends. "Drink lots of fluid and—"

"Just head to work, Yingjie," Qiao Yifan cuts him off exasperatedly. "I'll be fine, stop being a worrywart." His voice is faint, and the light brown-haired singer coughs after talking, but Gao Yingjie stops rambling nonetheless.

"Alright," Gao Yingjie says. With one final glance at Qiao Yifan, he leaves their shared apartment.

Immediately after, Qiao Yifan flops onto the couch and wraps his blankets around him again. He is not a morning person unlike Gao Yingjie, and after much protest earlier about having to leave the warmth and comfort of his bed for his medication, he's returning to his makeshift nest in the living room. Having dragged his blanket and pillow out with him after being unceremoniously woken, Qiao Yifan gets comfortable before he suddenly feels lethargic. It'll only be just for a moment, Qiao Yifan thinks as he closes his eyes.

*To Be Loved*

"Just because you are finally recovered does not mean that you are allowed to go back to singing!" Gao Yingjie retorts, glaring at Qiao Yifan.

"Oh? Are you suddenly the boss of me or something, Gao?" Qiao Yifan says dryly, looking down at his fingernails. "I am my own person you know, and I can take care of myself."

"No you can't! If you could take care of yourself, I wouldn't have had to call in sick for you or take days off to nurse you back to health!" Gao Yingjie says, affronted at Qiao Yifan's lack of care.

Qiao Yifan makes a noncommittal sound. "It's not like you were forced to take care of me. Plus, it was only a sore throat. Just because I strained it during practice—"

Gao Yingjie cuts in. "Strained it?" he near hysterically reiterates. "Strained, more like nearly torn to shreds! You. Could. Not. Even. Talk," Gao Yingjie emphasizes. "You can't take care of yourself, so that means I have to do it. Meaning, you should not be taking on new singing projects or even—heaven-forbid—thinking of a concert tour. But no, worry me to death with your recklessness, it's not like I even matter in the grand scheme of things, don't I? After all, I'm just the new upstart dancer plucked off the street and shoved onto the stage," Gao Yingjie throws out.

Qiao Yifan stumbles back as Gao Yingjie repeats the same insult Qiao Yifan had screamed at him months ago before they got together. Things didn't start off all sunshine and daisies between them—think more along the lines of screaming winds and prickly bramble bushes. They could not get along for the life of them until Lu Hanwen and Song Qiying had enough and shoved them into a closet, telling them to: Get their goddamn acts together and just fuck each other's brains out. Tumbling out of the closet three hours later with haphazardly put together appearances, flushed and sweaty skin, and a distinct lack of insults and yelling still makes him blush thinking about it because the walls are not soundproof, and Lu Hanwen and Song Qiying heard everything. Thank the heavens the studio had been otherwise empty for the day.

"Look, Yingjie," Qiao Yifan starts, before Gao Yingjie stops him.

"No, Yifan, when will you start learning to take care about yourself for once?" Gao Yingjie says tiredly, covering his eyes with his hands. "I called your mother to explain what happens. She would have worried herself sick when the hospital notified her of your arrival. Do you want to know how she reacted?"

"Bad?" Qiao Yifan replies, feeling uncomfortable. He really didn't like it when his mother got caught up in his problems. She's done so much for him when he was younger; now that he's on his own, he tries to make sure she's happy and unbothered.

"Think more along the lines of flying out here herself to make sure her baby is alright," Gao Yingjie leans up against the wall as he removes his hand to catch Qiao Yifan's guilty eyes. "I know I'm overreacting, and that you've had worse—don't look at me, I've seen your hospital records—but at least take better care about yourself, if not for your sake, then for ours."

Qiao Yifan feels like curling in on himself. Was he really that much of a bother? "Yingjie, I'm—"

"Don't apologize; you don't have to apologize for something like this. You are your own person, and I know where you're coming from. Yifan, what drew me to you was your unyielding and independent nature. Admittedly, it led to some rather poor behavior on both of our parts, so don't say sorry for something that is not your fault." Gao Yingjie pushes off the wall to draw Qiao Yifan into his arms. "Look at me, Yifan."

Qiao Yifan looks up, eyes teary. "Don't leave me," he whispers softly, fingers digging into the fabric of Gao Yingjie's sweater. "Not like…" he trails off.

"Not like your father, right?" Gao Yingjie fills in. "I won't; just—please don't overwork yourself too much? I rather like having you in my arms at night and not having to wake up alone."

Qiao Yifan nods, eyes closing as he burrows his head into Gao Yingjie's shoulder. "Don't overwork yourself either. I get lost in my own world when singing and lose track of time. You don't have that excuse, Mister."

"I won't. Now get back to bed, and I'll see you for lunch. Hopefully, Hanwen can get the steps down faster today so the both of us can leave before noon."

"Mhmm…" Qiao Yifan affirms. "And," Qiao Yifan says hesitantly, "you're not just an upstart, okay? You have talent, and even if you don't have years of professional training, you're one of the best out there. So don't let the jealous words of others get to you, got it? And stop giving me that look! Iwas jealous, alright. I spent years honing my voice and trying to find my place in Tiny Herb Entertainment, and then you come waltzing in and take the world by storm with your moves. How was I supposed to act?"

Gao Yingjie chuckles. "And maybe I shouldn't have said that comment about how you sounded like a dying whale?"

"Yes, and there was that," Qiao Yifan says, recalling their first meeting. "Let's just put our messed up past where it belongs and focus on the present. I'm with you now and happier than I've ever been. Just because we had a rough and rocky start, doesn't mean our relationship is doomed for failure."

"Yes yes, now I'm late and must go. I don't think Hanwen would like waiting on me. You know how those Blue Rain Records people are." Gao Yingjie chastely kisses Qiao Yifan before grabbing his bag and heading out the door.

*To Be Loved*

"Break out the wine, Yifan, we have something to celebrate!" Gao Yingjie exclaims, dark brown hair windswept as he rushes into the apartment. Tossing his bag into a corner, he sweeps the brunette into his arms. He spins the singer around, dodging the swipe of a ladle as he sets him down. He keeps Qiao Yifan in his arms, nuzzling into his neck while breathing in the sweet scent of honey and lemon.

Qiao Yifan laughs. "Let me go, Yingjie, or the stew is going to burn." Gao Yingjie releases Qiao Yifan and begins to rummage around the cupboards. "What are you so enthusiastic about?"

Gao Yingjie pulls out a bottle of red wine in triumph. He spreads his arms out wide and smiles as he says, "You are looking at the new lead dancer for the Vaccaria project."

His eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "That audition of yours a month ago," Qiao Yifan trails off. Gao Yingjie watches as his words sink in. "Heavens, congratulations! I knew you could do it!" Qiao Yifan drops the ladle onto a cutting board as he embraces Gao Yingjie. "See? Out of all the other dancers, you were chosen. I'm so proud of you." He presses a kiss to Gao Yingjie's mouth before letting go. "Now shoo, go take a shower. You stink."

"You're not joining me?" Gao Yingjie smirks, watching as Qiao Yifan licks his lips at his words.

"I would darling, but unless you want burnt dinner, I will have to decline," Qiao Yifan replies, turning his back on the dancer. "I just hope you don't have practice early in the morning tomorrow. You're not going to get a lot of sleep tonight," Qiao Yifan remarks, listening as Gao Yingjie's steps falter when he is making his way to the shower. He could just barely hear Gao Yingjie's mumbled words.

"Guess I'm telling Hanwen that he's allowed to sleep in tomorrow morning."

*To Be Loved*

Qiao Yifan groans, rolling over and seeking comfort under the warm covers...and rolls back immediately when he feels the cold emitting from that side of the bed. Seconds later, he opens his eyes blearily. He distinctly remembers last night ending with him in Gao Yingjie's arms. And just now, he has met no protests or grumbles.

His eyes refocus and the blurriness fades away as he finds himself staring at an empty pillow. Gao Yingjie was gone. But why? It shouldn't be thatlate in the day. Craning his neck up to look at the clock hanging off the wall, he realizes that it is still pretty early. Gao Yingjie shouldn't have needed to get up and ready for work for another hour at least. Too awake to fall back asleep, he regretfully leaves the warmth of the bed as he heads to the shower without pausing to clean up the messy trail of clothing heading from the hallway to the bed.

He slips into the small bathroom, glancing to make sure his towel is there before stepping into the shower stall. The cascade of water pouring down from the shower head wakes him up even further. He brushes his hair back and blindly reaches for the shampoo. Closing his eyes, he allows the tension in his muscles to rescind. Lathering it in his hair, he smells mint and cloves. Oops, washing the shampoo out of his hair, he opens his eyes to find that he used Gao Yingjie's shampoo instead of his own. Shrugging, he went back to cleaning himself—it's not like he minds smelling like Gao Yingjie. Grabbing the conditioner and making sure it is his this time, he sighs to himself as he realizes how empty the shower is. Usually,

Gao Yingjie would be in here with him. Rinsing himself off quickly and making sure all of the stickiness is gone, Qiao Yifan turns off the water and wraps his towel around his lower half. Grabbing another one to dry off his hair, he walks back to their bedroom.

It is when he enters the kitchen all dressed and proper that he spots the note lying on the counter.

「 Left for work. Will be back by 7. — Yingjie 」

*To Be Loved*

Closing his eyes one more time, he opens them and glares at the clock that reads 『8:17』. A steaming pot of curry is on the stove and has been for the past two hours. On platters set on the table are slices of bread and condiments. A frown tugs at Qiao Yifan's lips as he realizes the soup and rice have been cold for some time. Sighing, he rises from his seat at the table to heat them back up only to hear the door creak open. Something inside urges him to welcome Gao Yingjie back, but he honestly doesn't feel like it.

He grabs the necessary dishes and makes his way to the microwave, ignoring the loud thump of Gao Yingjie's bag against the ground.

"I'm sorry for being late, love," Gao Yingjie says. Qiao Yifan looks back to see the dark-haired brunette awkwardly standing in the doorway with a bouquet of sunflowers and yellow tulips. Hopelessly in love, adoration, and dedication. He turns back, a small smile on his lips.

"I guess I can forgive you; go clean up while I reheat everything."

*To Be Loved*

Arranging the orange lilies and purple hydrangeas in the vase, Qiao Yifan gives a bittersweet smile. The flowers are lovely, and the meanings sweet, but they can never make up for the lack of Gao Yingjie's presence in the house. Grabbing the cake box, he makes his way to the kitchen, where he places it in the fridge for dessert later. He begins to dish out the noodles and broth, easily making dinner in a matter of minutes. It's not like he had much left to do; he finished the preparations hours ago. Qiao Yifan withholds a sigh as he turns around and places one bowl in front of Gao Yingjie. He then brings the other with him to the opposite side of the table.

The both of them don't have time for dates often, and to be honest, they would rather avoid public dates, preferring their own small private ones in the comfort of their apartment. But, this is the seventh time Gao Yingjie has been late. He's just busier; that's all, Qiao Yifan thinks as he begins to eat, glancing briefly at his boyfriend. The silence is deafening as they eat, but neither of them says a word.

*To Be Loved*

"Yingjie, it's Yifan. Are you still at work?" Qiao Yifan says, standing alone beside the entrance of a small, quaint diner they had their first date at. His hand cradles the cell next to his ear as he attempts to nonchalantly lean against the wall, even when his hands feel slick with sweat and a small voice in the back of his mind warns him that something is wrong. He glances at his watch. "It's already eight forty-three. You should have gotten off by now and made your way to our favorite diner for our date." The loud silence on the other end of the call makes him tremble. "Listen, I understand if things got you running late as usual, so call or text me back when you hear this message, alright? Just to let me know when you're heading over. I'll be waiting. Love you." Qiao Yifan hangs up the call. He stares down at his phone, the fading call screen making him want to choke. Instead, he buckles up and enters the diner. He makes his way to a window booth and orders a cup of oolong tea as he settles in for Gao Yingjie's late arrival. Nothing's wrong. Yingjie's just being his workaholic self again. He'll be here. He won't forget.

*To Be Loved*

To: Qiao Yifan

From: Gao Yingjie

「 Sorry, love. Got caught up with work and forgot. It's too late for our date, so just order yourself some dinner and eat without me. I'll be coming home late, so don't wait for me to arrive. 」

*To Be Loved*

To: Gao Yingjie

From: Qiao Yifan

「 Don't forget we have a date at 5 to go to the theaters. Remember to get off work early to make it. Love you, hope to see you soon. 」

To: Qiao Yifan

From: Gao Yingjie

「 Got your reminder. Won't be able to make it, so why don't you spend the day with Qiying or something? Head to that confectionary you like and hang out with some friends. Sorry for taking a rain check on our date. 」

*To Be Loved*

To: Gao Yingjie

From Qiao Yifan

「 Yingjie, are you going to be able to make it today for our date? Or has something else come up. 」

To: Qiao Yifan

From: Gao Yingjie

「 No, sorry. I have to practice. 」

*To Be Loved*

To: Qiao Yifan

From: Gao Yingjie

「 Rain check on our date tonight. 」

*To Be Loved*

To: Qiao Yifan

From: Gao Yingjie

「 Can't make it today, love, rain check? 」

*To Be Loved*

To: Qiao Yifan

From: Gao Yingjie

「 Have to cancel. I need to get this new routine down. 」

*To Be Loved*

To: Gao Yingjie

From: Qiao Yifan

「 Yingjie, just a reminder that I made a reservation at Fleur de Lys Paradis, the new French restaurant that opened up a couple of months ago. Dress nicely, okay? It's our anniversary, dear, hope you haven't forgotten. It's at 9 so please try to not be late. Love you. 」

Sending off the text, Qiao Yifan could feel his insides curdle with anxiety. Please don't let my fears be true, Qiao Yifan prays internally as he drops his phone onto the bed and walks over to the mirror. Bags hang from his sunken eyes. His skin is clammy and sickly pale, and his hair is limp and messy. After taking a quick shower to get the grime off his body, he begins to carefully cover up the imperfections. He has a quick recording session today and an hour long press conference to cover before he can check out. Dashing out of the apartment, he can't help but feel ill, the quickness of his movements increasing the faint pounding behind his eyes.

*To Be Loved*

Gao Yingjie sighs as his phone goes off again. Deciding enough is enough, he mutes it, disregarding the flashing screen indicating he has a new text.

*To Be Loved*

Qiao Yifan bites his lip, glancing at his watch as he waits outside the restaurant. It reads 『8:48』. He slumps against the mahogany arch carved with golden vines, watching as other people walk right past him into Fleur de Lys Paradis.

"Please don't tell me he'll be late again," Qiao Yifan whispers, staring up at the silver crescent in the sky. The stars, the few that can be seen in the smog-filled city, twinkle in the darkness. He is dressed sharply in a dark maroon dress shirt and black pants with a black and white striped vest over it. A skinny dark grey tie tops it off with polished black dress shoes. In his hand is a bouquet of two dozen red roses, thorns trimmed off each long stem and wrapped carefully in a sheer blue shawl and violet ribbon instead of the typical plastic wrapping. As he stands alone, he fears that what he has been denying is actually the truth. Ten minutes later, he is checking into the restaurant alone, and nodding to the waiters and manager does nothing to quench the emptiness that fills him inside. He knows that if Gao Yingjie does what he fears he has done, nothing can save him from the utter agony that will befall him. He is already clinging desperately to the precipice.

The instrumental dancing in the air should have been soothing as bows sing across the strings, but Qiao Yifan can derive no peace from the music. On the plate across from him, the napkin is unraveled for the roses to lay on top. He can see from the corner of his eye an incongruously plain clock, black and white and loud over the chatter of the restaurant's patrons. Tick tock. Tick tock.

"Would you like anything to drink sir?" Qiao Yifan looks up, having been startled out of his musings. Most of her strawberry blonde hair is tied back into a high ponytail, but a straight fringe is swept to the side while twin locks frame a delicately thin face with minimal enhancements. Faded brown, nearly gray, eyes peers down at his visage, concerned as she glances to the empty chair and the slight notation she has on her pad.

「 Qiao (2) - RSVP 9:00 pm. 」

Her watch, small and silver, reads 『9:25』. He does not mind the wait. The staff is busy, and he has booked the reservation during its dinner rush for a lack of a better time to fit both of their schedules.

"No, miss, I shall wait for my companion to arrive," Qiao Yifan flashes her a smile and is pleased to note the lack of blush on her cheeks. He knows she recognizes him, the whispers floating around would have told her of his fame even if she hasn't. The other patrons are not exactly quiet after all.

"Very well; if you need anything, call me over. I am Dai Yanqi, pleased to meet your acquaintance," she returns his smile, her eyes growing softer as she notices he doesn't comment on her dyed locks.

"Thank you, Miss Dai," Qiao Yifan replies, watching as she flits off to another table.

*To Be Loved*

He makes small talk with Dai Yanqi as she drops by. He eventually caves and orders Chateau Carbonnieux Pessac-Léognan Blanc, white wine from the Pessac Léognan vineyard in Chateau Carbonnieux. And as the hands of the clock move steadily to a rhythm that begins haunting his mind, he can hear the splintering of his heart. 10:17 pm.

Dai Yanqi refills his glass, worryingly watching him from the corner of his eyes as the opaque liquid sloshes down into the glass. He stares at the clock. 10:58 pm.

She asks if he wants a vase for the roses, the red petals curling already and losing its vitality. He shakes his head. 11:41 pm.

He asks when the restaurant closes. She replies one in the morning for the stragglers. He nods, asking for another bottle of white wine. She darts off, but he still catches a glimpse of her watch. 12:23 pm.

He gives up. A wretched look of sorrow and pain graces his face as he leaves his chair. Dai Yanqi is pained herself as she returns his card and gathers up the roses to be trashed. She cannot harden her heart enough to keep them or give them to someone else. They are intended for a person who is callous enough to never come. The flowers are cursed with grief; no one should have them. 12:49 pm.

He bows to her, thanking her for her company. She bows back, tears filling her eyes as she finds herself gazing into the forlorn, broken brown eyes of Qiao Yifan. 12:53 pm.

*To Be Loved*

Qiao Yifan walks out of the restaurant, his calm exterior betraying the turmoil within. His feet take him wherever they want to tread, as he has no location in mind. There's a hole in his chest. He can't breathe, and it just hurts so much. He can see black spots flicker at the edge of his vision. He can feel heat course through his veins and set his body alight. He can feel trembles shake his body while his mind tears itself asunder. He can taste the darkness that haunts his soul. And he knows, walking out of the glimmering gold arch, that he is dead. His soul, wasted. His heart, shattered. His mind, broken. There is nothing left of him. He has given all he is and will be, and all that is left is a walking corpse.

He can sense the yearning pit of despair nestled in his body, his emotions funneling into that black hole. What has he been thinking, to hold onto hope for so long? To even attempt to clench onto the coattails of happiness and love? Who would ever love him, truly? The boy who sings, the faggot parading around as if he is of superior make, the bastard whose father has abandoned in all but name, the nancy boy without friends and plenty of enemies—who would love Qiao Yifan if he cannot even love himself? Who can love the fool that trails after a man who does not give him the time of day? Who uses and tosses him to the side in favor of another? Who treats him as if he is of no importance, as if he is a mere decoration in his life when he, that man, is the center of his universe?

Useless. Worthless. Freak. The words terrorize him like no other. Why is he so useless. Why is he so worthless. Why is he a freak. Why does he still love him so deeply and irrevocably when he knows that it is not returned? Why does he give everything for nothing. Why does he do this to himself?

But Qiao Yifan knows it is because he is nothing, worth nothing, can be nothing. He's not worthy of love, of being cared for, of being valued. He's not worth it. And, Qiao Yifan thinks bitterly, Gao Yingjie knew better and has washed his hands of him.

He walks. For who knows how long, he walks. He walks while moonlight shines a path into the growing darkness. He walks while leaves crackle beneath his feet. He walks and walks with no end in sight. He walks, and hopes to lose himself to the night.

Please don't go out of my sight

Even when the morning comes, don't disappear

(Don't Go - EXO)

Notes:

The main reason why this fic resurfaced from the depths of my fanfiction archives is because of your The Stars will Guide Your Way, so this is for you, LLS!

Also, thank you Acnologiafire for beta-ing another one of my works! Sorry for making you cry so much with this.

Cross-posted on AO3 under the penname MTKiseki

Gifted to lalunaticscribe on AO3/FFN