Prologue + Chapter One

My RSS gift for ChrissyKP.

I had a lovely time as your santa and I hope you have just as much fun reading your gift as I had writing it (I really, really hope so, as I was a little unsure about it at first. Spinner!Rumple is just the most woobie of them all and I had to brainstrom a little, before I coudl think of a take of his story that had not already been done by far better authors than myself ;) ).

Prompt: Woobie!Rumple Nervous First Kiss

Prologue

The early evening was bright and unusually warm for this time of year. Rumplestiltskin strolled down the road as briskly as his injured leg allowed. It had greatly improved since he had first hobbled himself, but he would still never be able to go without his staff again and under normal circumstances he would have chosen a more leisurely pace to spare the injured joint. Today was no usual day, though, and he feared that what little bravery he had would leave him, if he dared to pause, to think about what he was about to do.

It was strange to think that this evening would either turn out to be either one of the best or the worst days of his life. There was the day he first held Bae, of course, which would forever be one of the happiest days he'd have and the day he had married Milah, no matter that the memory was forever soured for him by what had happened later on. Still, he had been so very hopeful that day. He had just really wanted to believe that everything would be better from then on and for a while it had truly seemed as if it would. A short time, yes, but a good time none the less.

Rumplestiltskin didn't know if today would be one of the days that would forever warm him from then on, or if it was one of those that soured all that went before, but he knew that he had to find out now, before life caught up with him again and made his choice redundant.

He was deadly afraid of what was going to happen, he truly was. Still, he took courage in the knowledge that there would be nothing he could accuse himself of after that. He was brave for once and he couldn't let himself ruin this little achievement again.

At least Belle would not be cruel, no matter what her answer would be, she was far too kind for that. Even if she turned him down, she would do it with soft words and kind eyes. Which was just as well, as he didn't think he could stand to see the disgust the rest of the village harboured for him mirrored in her face…

Rumplestiltskin swallowed nervously as his home appeared in the distance. Part of his newfound bravery was probably founded in petty selfishness. This way, no matter what happened, he wouldn't have to pretend that he was happy for her, when she finally found someone worthy of her. Even if he truly believed her and didn't put the blame for all these futile deaths at his own feet, this was all the proof he needed to see that he was a rotten person.

If he were a good person he would wish for her to find a good man, someone worthy of her, or at least as worthy as anyone could ever be, someone not him. He was selfish, though, and there was nothing he wanted more than for her and Feli to stay with them, to be a proper family.

He was selfish, so he took one last deep breath and continued onward.

Chapter One

Before:

The shadows of the huts around him were already bleeding into the dawning night, when Rumplestiltskin forced himself to take yet another step towards the next house, one of the last possible ones left.

The shutters were already closed for the night, but he knew that the occupants would still be awake. Dusk was settling fast on the village, but these were a hard-working folk, that couldn't spare precious hours that could be used for work just because night creeped up on them so early this time of year; not if it could be helped with nothing more but a bit of candlelight.

The streets, too, were emptying quickly and only the last stragglers from the fields passed him on their way home. No one looked at him, no one spoke, or cursed or spat. Instead of a relief from his newly earned ostracism, it was a sharp reminder of his situation: Even supposedly bad blood could sweeten an infant's death only so much and while they weren't willing to help, they still didn't want to see what their inaction would reap.

Heat build behind his eyes and once more the tears he had managed to hold back for so long now threatened to spill. Rumplestiltskin pressed his eyes shut and willed them to hold just a bit longer. If he broke down now, he knew that he wouldn't soon get a hold of himself again and then everything would be lost for good.

A deep breath and he bit down hard on his lip, gathering the strength to haul himself forward again, his weight carefully levelled on his staff. Just a little bit longer and- Rumplestiltskin hissed in pain, as his feet stepped onto the ground again. His bad leg was about to give out underneath him, the only part of his thoroughly frozen body, that hadn't gone numb from the cold yet and every step he took only made the swelling worse. He could feel the hot puss pressing against his drawn skin, the one part of him that didn't feel cold to the bone, and even this was no comfort in the face of the agony it was bought with.

Carefully he switched his crutch from his left to his right side. The next step would be easier, putting his weight on his good leg and then… Then he'd have to endure for just a little longer. For Bae.

He couldn't afford to pause too long, but even the relative slight pain of a step with his good leg left him breathless, so he allowed himself to stand still for just a moment. Rumplestiltskin reached under his coat, to the sling with his precious cargo and lightly stroked his son's soft tuft of her. His hand, too, had gone numb in the cold and he was careful not to touch the babe directly with his cold skin, but his sweet lad still turned his head away from the relative warmth of his chest and snuggled against his hand. His warm puffs of breath burned the frozen skin, but the sharp feeling put a tired smile on his face. His boy was still holding on, and so would he.

Somehow the thought gave him the strength to bear the pain of another step and another and yet another, until the pain filled his whole consciousness. Still, he had to go on. Even if Bae could make it just for a little longer, this was his last chance, for after this, he'd have to count himself lucky if he was able to walk again next week, not to mention the next day. No, tomorrow would be too late, so he ignored the pain shooting up his leg, now no longer only at every step, but at every movement, every little shudder.

Rumplestiltskin wasn't sure how he managed to finally reach the door. His legs were trembling underneath him and he could barely think through the fog of pain that filled his mind in a dim cloud. Somehow sheer determination had carried him the last few paces and his breath came rattling, when he knocked on the door. The quiet noise from within stopped at once, but no one came to the door. Fear chocked him, and for a moment he could even forget the pain, as he knocked even louder. "Please, come out!"

Long breathless moments passed, before he could hear movement on the other side, the scratch of a chair being pushed back and the echo of slow steps, and finally a women opened the door, child on her hips and frown on her face. She looked straight ahead, but he might as well not have been there for all that she looked right through him.

"Be gone coward, there's nothing for you here." Her harsh tone on the other hand was levelled at him directly enough and he winced, no matter how expected the words were. He had heard any variation of them throughout his fruitless searching that day. They were not unexpected, but that did not lessen the blow and his chest constricted as he already sensed how this conversation, too, would end, even though it mustn't.

"Please", Rumplestiltskin almost chocked on the words in his haste to get them out. "Please, I need your help for my boy. I'll compensate you, I'll do anything, just-"Always the same words, the same pleas and the same reaction.

"I said be gone!" she hissed and the little girl in her arms shrank back at her tone. Startled, she shifted the little girl in her arms and for a moment her face softened as she stroked her curls reassuringly, until she settled again. For a moment hope bloomed within him, and Rumplestiltskin dared to think that maybe form one parent to another she would change her mind, but when she turned towards Rumplestiltskin again and finally met his gaze, her eyes were hard.

"There's nothing to be done about bad blood. My husband died in the war and I'd rather starve myself, before I help the one who forsook him and all the other brave men that actually fought to keep us save."

„Please-" His voice was barely more than a rasp, when he wanted to shout, to plead, but the woman had already turned away and shut the door.

"Please!" His voice broke down into a strained cough, but he managed to be louder this time, to drown out the wind. He could feel their eyes on him, from behind almost shuttered windows and barely ajar doors. "Please, not for me, but he's… he's just a boy! He'll starve!" His throat felt as if something in it had ripped, but his voice carried loud and clear over the empty town square. They could hear him, they all did, but the doors stayed shut and the alleys dark and he was still alone and helpless. "Please!"

No one came and no one would come and he barely registered, when his legs finally gave out underneath him and he fell to the hard ground. It was more instinct than conscious thought that made him reach for the sling under his cloak, but Bae was still snuggled securely to his chest, shielded from the wind and still on the brink of dying because he was his father. Carefully he stroked his soft wisp of hair. It was finer than the best yarn he had ever managed to produce, and if he couldn't think of something to do, it would take days rather than weeks, until his sweet boy was no more.

"He's just a boy…", hot tears ran down his cheeks and burned his frozen skin. "Please…."

But still no one answered and slowly a thought crept into his mind, cold and poisonous and oh so tempting. Maybe if he somehow made it to the next town, or rather still the one after that, where no one knew who he was and just left him on the doorway of some hut… If only no one knew that Bae was his son, no one would accuse him of having bad blood and see what a good boy he was in truth… The thought of abandoning his own child, even with the best of intentions made his chest constrict, but no matter how much the thought of other people raising his sun hurt him, at least he would live…

Rumplestiltskin sat up straighter at this last glimmer of hope, and the pain of moving his leg left him breathless for a moment. With cold dread he slumped down again. Even if he could truly bear to give up his son, the one good thing that was left to him, it would not matter. He would be happy, if he managed to crawl home that night, not to mention go to the next town or even further…

Alone in the cold, he could almost hear Milah's voice again, just before she'd gone. He truly was a failure, and even if he could never believe that his Baelfire had anything resembling bad blood, as much as he had sired him, he slowly started to see that it truly might have been better if he had just died in the war. Yes, Milah might still have left her son behind, unable to cope as she had been alone with a sick infant, but at least the rest of town would have been better disposed towards Bae if he had just done the brave thing and died for them…

"Come", the voice was barely more than a whisper, but in the echoing silence, it startled Rumplestiltskin just like a shout. He whirled around, or rather he tried to. The harsh contact with the ground had robbed his frozen limbs of the last bit of their mobility, and he fell forward in his try to turn around. Somehow he managed to catch himself before he collided with the ground with his precious load, and slowly he crawled around. His leg sent liquid fire through his veins, but he couldn't let that stop him, not now.

Between two huts stood a young woman, brown curls spilling over the thick cloak, she huddled in, and levelled him with a blank look. He needed a moment to identify her as the daughter of the smith and it was at him to barely meet her eyes then. The last time he could remember seeing her, was, when she'd bidden farewell to her husband, just before the troop had left the town, heavy with his child. He'd died just like the rest of his unit, just after Rumplestiltskin had fled. Another woman he had helped make a widow, another child he'd left fatherless…

"Come with me".

For a moment he only stared at her, unable to believe that he had heard right, but then he hastened his tries to straggle to his feet, because even if he had misheard, even the mere chance of a young mother offering them her help was too good to risk.

She hesitated for a long moment, before she finally took his arm and hauled him to his feet. Even with the help of his staff Rumplestiltskin was sure that he'd loose his footing just as fast as he had regained it, but somehow he managed to stand more or less securely.

The smith's daughter liked her lips uncertainly, first looking at his shaking legs and then, finally at his face. "Are you sure you can walk?"

"Yes!" The answer was over his lips, before his mind had even fully registered her question and she looked unconvinced at his confidence and rightly so. In truth he was quite convinced that the honest answer would have been no, that he had barely the strength to remain upright, but her uncertainty was by far the best reaction he had received to his plea and he could simply not risk to sway her against helping him. Cautious gladness filled him, when she didn't simply walk away upon his display.

"Where is your boy, in any case?"

It was a slight struggle to free a hand from his stuff without losing his hold, but Rumplestiltskin managed as he opened his cloak to show her the sleeping boy and the effort was well worth it, when she gifted Bae with a wan smile and Rumplestiltskin couldn't help but smile in turn. "That's my Baelfire."

If he only could manage to walk a bit father he would have won, for he knew that no one who had seen what a fine boy his Bae was, could ever believe the whole talk of bad blood and truly, when he closed his cloak against the cold again, she motioned for him to follow.

Carefully, he dragged himself forward again, towards her and the relief of not crumbling instantly was at least for the moment enough to carry him even further through his stumbling.

The girl, for she was truly barely old enough to be called a woman, child or no child, still eyed him doubtfully, but she said nothing more of the matter as she lead him towards the smithy and he was glad for it.