A/N- O.O I am alive. I promise. My creative muses left me for... a long time... and all my other stories on here are on an indefinite hiatus. Wow. I feel like I am incapable of finishing a fic unless it's a one shot. *sigh* oh well. If anyone wants to adopt any of my stories for me, just let me know. They really need some TLC... ANYWAYS. I'm back with a new fic and I do actually plan on finishing it. I've started on chapter two, which I'm sure doesn't sound too promising, but still, and my muses for this fic haven't left me yet. I also have a few other fics that I plan on starting to post. I've recently become obsessed with the Naruto fandom, especially the Akatsuki. ON WITH THE STORY!
Disclaimer- Despite all my wishes, I do not own Naruto. It's too lacking in Yaoi goodness for that. And I only wish I owned the Akatsuki. Also, to any of my readers, if anything in my fic resembles something from yours, I promise I'm not plagiarizing. When I find something I really like in a fic, I might use certain aspects of it in my own. I'd go through and cite every story/author I draw ideas from, but I'm lazy. Please take notice that I take no credit for your ideas!
Konohan Institute for the Criminally Insane.
The large, stone sign stood firmly before a set of white iron-clad gates. With a sigh, a tall blonde man swung them open and began to travel down a small, paved path.
Deidara grimaced in distaste as he walked through the open courtyard, hands digging in his pockets for the lighter he already knew wasn't there. He felt his fingers begin to twitch, getting fidgety as the enormity of his situation began to descend upon him.
On a swing hanging from a large oak tree, a strangely green-painted man with scars on his cheeks sat holding a steady conversation with himself. Sitting on the ground next to him was a figure in an orange-swirled mask, speaking about himself in third person.
Deidara gave them a disgusted glare, and kept walking. Soon he came upon a raven-haired man sitting on a bench beside a hulking, smirking man, who seemed to have slightly blue skin. The smaller man was holding out a small hand-mirror and meticulously putting on makeup. As Deidara paused to watch, the shark-like man reached out and stole the effeminate man's nail file, which had been sitting between them, and began to file his teeth to sharp points. Deidara shivered and kept moving.
The blonde was tempted to try his chances with escaping when he heard a loud, animistic shriek from the road ahead, swiftly followed by sadistic giggling. He also heard the almost-desperate voices of the guards, asking someone else for help. Deciding it really couldn't be as terrible as it sounded, Deidara determinedly shoved forward, fighting his every instinct to run.
The sight that greeted him very much made him regret his decision. A silver-haired but young-looking man knelt on the ground, pinning a squirrel down with one hand, and scooping out its insides with a spork. Several guards, all dressed in white, stood in a semi-circle around him, and seemed to be begging a tall, masked man to help them. The man indifferently argued that his assistance would not be given without something in return, namely money and "favours."
Swiftly moving past them, Deidara decided he really didn't want to know. The blonde could see the building now. All he had to do was get inside and into his room, and he'd be away from all the crazies. Two blurs of of brown and gold suddenly accosted him, and Deidara found himself pinned, much as the silver-haired man's squirrel had been. A wave of fear shook him, and he tensed, waiting for pain. Instead he felt something warm and wet lap at his face, and a small finger prod his cheek. Opening his visible eye again, the blonde took in a golden-haired teen with cerulean-blue eyes, and a brunette teen with red triangular tattoos on his face, his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth. With a shudder of repulsion, Deidara realized that tongue had been the "wet-thing" from moments earlier. The air whooshed out of the man as the younger blonde bounced energetically on his stomach. Suddenly, the teen yelped "Teme!" and leaped up, rushing over to what looked like a mini-version of the make-up wearing man from earlier.
Deidara was so close to being inside, and tensed his muscles in preparation for jumping to his feet and making a mad sprint for the huge, white building. As he made to jump to his feet though, he realized he'd forgotten about the animal boy, who rammed himself against the blue-eyed adult's legs, almost sweeping him off his feet once again. "Heel," came a sharp command from behind Deidara.
A tall, spiky-haired brunette wearing dark glasses and hiding half his face behind a high-collared trench coat stood nonchalantly. Deidara opened his mouth to thank his saviour when the boy continued speaking to the dog-boy as though he hadn't noticed the blonde man at all. "Come on boy, let's go find more bugs." At this the teen pushed up his glasses with a finger and turned and left, the puppy-teen following closely on his heels.
That was the final straw for Deidara, who made a wild dash for the administration building, panting as he slammed the doors behind him. A stressed-looking young woman with shoulder-length dark hair glanced at him apologetically before motioning him over. "I'm really sorry," she began, "I know just how hard it can be getting in here. I'm Shizune. You must be Deidara." He nodded. "My boss, the owner, has your rooming in her office. She likes to greet every new arrival. She says she wants to make them feel welcome, but I think she just likes seeing all the different types of crazy we get. I'll let her know you're coming back." She pressed a button on the phone at her desk. "The new arrival's here, he's coming back." Deidara heard a muffled "okay" on the other end of the line.
Deidara walked into the large office space, which was fairly clean save for the massive amounts of paperwork on and around the desk centered in the room. A largely voluptuous blonde woman stepped out from behind the mountains of paper, and Deidara blinked, forced to step back from the force of the sight.
The woman smiled kindly. "Hello Deidara, I'm Tsunade and I want to be your friend."
"Boobs..." was all the man could muster, blinking stupidly a few more times.
The smile didn't waver for a minute. "Yes, of course. Now, you'll be rooming in 308 with... that red-headed guy... I don't remember his name. But just go up the stairs and to the right and you should find it no problem. Your roommate will also be your guide. Just follow him around for a while." She made a shooing gesture and Deidara left the room, not once having looked away from Tsunade's large... endowments.
Deidara walked into the dorm space, and looked around, spotting his roommate-to-be sitting at a small desk in the corner, fiddling with an unseen object. "Umm... hi, un," Deidara tried. The red-head turned around to face Deidara, raising a delicate eyebrow in response. "I'm Deidara, your new roommate, un."
"Sasori," was the short reply.
"Tsunade told me you could be my guide for a while..."
"We don't have to be anywhere till 3:30. I'll start guiding you then. You may as well unpack." With that Sasori turned back to face whatever work he'd been doing.
Deidara checked the small clock hanging on the wall and mentally sighed. 12:30. It was going to be a long wait.
"Brat." Deidara automatically turned at his roommate's voice. "We have to go downstairs now for our 'session'."
Deidara yawned and sat up. "Coming, un." He quickly pulled on his shoes and followed Sasori to where he waited by the open door to their room.
Following the red-head downstairs, they entered a room where chairs were set up in a large circle. A thin brunette holding a clipboard seemed to be in charge. Seated around him in the surrounding chairs were all the people Deidara had seen coming in, and more. He shuddered, but took one of the two empty seats left, next to Sasori who'd already sat down. The brunette cleared his throat. "Alright, now that everyone who arrives on time is here, we can be-"
"Hey, sorry I'm late, I saw an injured squirrel when I was walking in and I just had to stop and help it." A not-quite-middle-aged man with silver-white, gravity-defying hair and a mask covering half of his face walked in, raising a hand in lazy greeting.
The psychologist turned his conversation to the late arrival. "You know, usually I'd think you were lying, Kakashi, but considering the smirk on Hidan's face and the blood on his clothes, I just might believe you this time." Apparently Hidan was the silver-haired sadist from earlier.
Kakashi sidled up to the man, grinning seductively. "Oh, you know you love me, I-ru-ka. How could you possibly accuse me of lying?"
Iruka blushed red. "Just sit down Kakashi."
"On your lap?"
Deidara was starting to feel bad for the man now. He'd never seen a darker shade of red in his life. "Kakashi. Sit. In. That. Chair. NOW." With a pout, the man did so. "Okay, now that's settled, we can actually get started. We have a new face today, so we're going to go around in a circle, tell everyone our names, say what your problems are, and tell why you're here. I'm Umino Iruka, and I'm the head psychologist here."
Kakashi went next. "Hatake Kakashi. I have no respect for others wishes, am emotionally and mentally scarred from an abusive and generally depressing childhood, and I'm addicted to porn. I'm also gay. I checked myself in here."
Next was Hidan, who looked bored as he spoke. "I'm Hidan. I'm an extreme sadomasochist. I kill people to satisfy my god, Lord Jashin-sama. For some reason people find that bad."
The masked man whom the guards had been begging for help from earlier talked next. "Kakuzu. I am apparently obsessed with money and will do anything to obtain it. I killed five men who didn't pay me what they owed me."
Now was the man who'd been putting on makeup on the bench outside. "Uchiha Itachi. I am an extreme narcissist, and just generally insane I've been told. I slaughtered the entire Uchiha clan because my best friend told me I was ugly."
His companion, the shark. "Hoshigaki Kisame. I'm just too boss for the outside world. And I'm prone to temper outbreaks. One of which led to the unfortunate deaths of fifteen people."
The man on the swing. "Yes. We are Zetsu. We know why we're here. They tell us we're crazy. Yes, yes, we're insane. We have a taste for human flesh. We ate a little girl. They didn't like that. No, they didn't like that. They got angry for that. They made us come here."
The man with the orange mask spoke like a child. "Tobi is not crazy. There is nothing wrong with Tobi. Tobi doesn't know what he did. Tobi is a good boy."
The mini-Itachi opened his mouth to speak, only to be cut off by the hyper blonde teen who'd attacked Deidara this morning. "I'm Uzamaki Naruto and one day I'm going to be the president! Dattebayou."
Iruka sighed. "He has a depressing past and serious social issues."
Mini-Uchiha now took his turn to speak. He folded his fingers solemnly in front of him, staring ahead forlornly. "Uchiha Sasuke. One of two survivors of the famous Uchiha massacre. The other being it's murderer, my brother, Itachi. After the downfall of my clan, my brother spared me so I could avenge the Uchiha clan. My single goal in life is to kill Itachi. I'm here because of a failed attempt. Fortunately, he ended up here too. I also apparently have a brooding problem."
The teen with dark sunglasses spoke very quietly. "Aburame Shino. I like bugs. My parents sent me here to try to cure me of my obsession. Sometimes my bugs don't like other people." He gestured at the dog-boy at his feet. "Kiba thinks he's a dog, and he has separation anxiety. And he sometimes turns rabid."
A solemn-looking redhead crossed his arms over his chest. "Sabaku no Gaara. Mother is in my head with Shukaku. When Mother is hungry, Shukaku helps me feed her the blood of my victims. Mother has consumed eight."
"How troublesome... I'm Nara Shikamaru. I'm here because I planned the almost-successful robbing of a bank. I wanted the money so that I wouldn't ever have to work again. One of the idiots I hired felt guilty and turned us all in. It was too troublesome to try to escape."
There was one fact that confused Deidara here. "Um... why are you in an institute for the criminally insane then?"
A brief look of irritation crossed the teen's face. "I'm a super-genius with compulsive tendencies."
Deidara nodded slowly. "...okay..."
Iruka cleared his throat. "Moving on. Orochimaru. You next."
A pale, slender, snake-like man smirked lecherously. "I'm Orochimaru. I like little boys."
"Kabuto. I like Orochimaru. I followed him here and killed someone to ensure I'd end up in the same place as him."
A man with multiple piercings was the next to introduce himself. "I am Pein. Like Hidan, I am a sadomasochist. But not to such a disgusting extent. I cause myself and others pain to further my own gain, and to feed my ambitions. I killed three men who tried to stand in my way. However I do have issues with becoming too loyal to those who stay by my side."
Next was a girl with blue hair. "Konan. I am Pein's most devoted follower. I carry out his commands. My only purpose is to help Pein in any way I can."
A girl with white-blonde hair styled almost exactly the same as Deidara's stood up next. "Ino, and I can read your minds. And I'm a telekinetic. I destroyed a house with my powers."
A ridiculously pink-haired girl elbowed Ino out of the way. "I'm Sakura, and I'm the only person here who deserves to be anywhere near the great Sasuke. I'm the love of his life. I stalk- follow- accompanied him here."
It was now Sakura's turn to be elbowed out of the way. "Wrong! I'm Karin and I'm the love of Sasuke's life. I love him more than that pink-haired dimwit ever could, and his heart belongs to me."
From his chair, Sasuke groaned, face-palming.
A very effeminate teen with long, dark hair, flipped it over his shoulder and started talking. "I am Hyuuga Neji. Part of the famous Hyuuga family, cousin to Hyuuga Hinata, heir to the Hyuuga Company. She was jealous of me because my hair is prettier than hers, so she sent me here. But it is her fate to always be a loser. No one can escape their fate. That's why I'm not worried. It is my fate to always be better-looking than Hinata." He smirked smugly and flipped his hair again.
Deidara's roommate, Sasori was next to go, then only Deidara would be left. The blonde was anxious to hear the man's story, as he seemed to be the least... unstable of the lot. "Akasuna no Sasori. I am an artist. I enjoy making puppets... out of corpses. I started with the corpses of my parents, then that of my grandmother, whom I killed. I have... sep... sadistic tendencies..."
Deidara, having seen the listened to the rest of the "in-mates", didn't doubt the last bit, but he did find himself wondering just what the redhead had been about to say.
Sighing, Deidara began his own introduction. "I'm Deidara. I, like Sasori, am an artist. However, my art is true art. I enjoy making things explode. I've been called a lysomaniac(1), but I don't know that's the correct term, un. I think I'm technically a pyromaniac. I'm here because I attempted to blow up an entire city."
There was a short burst of claps from Hidan. "A whole city? You've got us all beat. Congrats Newbie!"
Deidara glared and looked down. "At least I'm not completely nuts," he muttered under his breath.
Once again, the brunette Umino cleared his throat. "You know what? I think that's enough for today. You're all free to do whatever you want until dinner."
Quickly the people dispersed, until it was just Deidara, Sasori, Kakashi, and Iruka left. Deidara looked at Sasori, wondering where they'd be going next. However, Sasori didn't seem to be going anywhere, just sitting, staring straight ahead. Shortly, Iruka and Kakashi stood and took their leave as well, together, though Iruka looked a little displeased.
After waiting a few minutes, Deidara stood as well. "Sasori no danna? What do we do now, un?"
The puppeteer turned to look at him. "Wait. I'm waiting for Pein to return."
"Um... okay... I'll wait with you then, un." The blonde took a seat next to his roommate.
Moments later, the orange-haired man walked back into the room, blue-haired Konan tight on his heels. Pein strode confidently to the seat on the left of Sasori, Konan then sitting on his left. "The others aren't back yet?"
Sasori shook his head. "No. Not yet."
Pein scowled. "They'd better show up soon."
The silver-haired Hidan traipsed into the room, yawning loudly. "I'm ba~ack! Ooohh look. Dei-chan's here too!"
The intimidatingly-tall Kakuzu stalked in behind the insane man. "We're not last for once? Strange."
These two were followed by Zetsu, and Tobi, who also entered together. Pein nodded a welcome to both of them as they sat, then returned to watching the door.
Ten minutes later, Deidara could see the vein bulging in the heavily-pierced man's forehead. "Where are Itachi and Kisame?" Pein demanded of no one in particular.
Hidan grinned. "My money says Sasuke got to Itachi again."
Kakuzu nodded agreement. "I wouldn't risk money on it, but I feel the same."
"Yes, the Uchiha is probably late due to the other Uchiha. And Kisame would not come without Itachi. No, the Hoshigaki wouldn't leave the Uchiha." Zetsu, with his strange habit of talking to himself.
"Tobi thinks the brothers are fighting again. Tobi doesn't get in fights. Tobi is a good boy."
Sasori yawned boredly. "Well I say Kisame's the reason Itachi's late."
Pein looked at him strangely. "What do you mean, Sasori? Why would Kisame make Itachi late? He's supposed to be here as well."
The puppeteer simply smiled.
The door suddenly swung open, revealing the two topics of the prior conversation. They both looked somewhat worse for the wear; their clothes rumpled and Itachi's hair mussed up. The only sign that something other than a fight had occurred were the slightly swollen lips.
"Sorry we're late Pein. We were a little... preoccupied." Itachi smirked briefly, glancing at Kisame.
"HAH! Take that Sasori! Told you they were fighting!" Hidan had jumped from his chair and was wagging a finger at the redhead.
Sasori shrugged and Pein nodded discretely at him, now understanding the other's previous comment.
Itachi and Kisame shifted nervously. "Right," Kisame said,running a hand through his mussed hair, "fighting."
Pein shook his head, gesturing for the latecomers to sit. "Right. So, now that we're all here, we have important business to deal with."
By this point, Deidara was seriously wondering what was going on, and whether or not he should be there at all.
"Sasori has a new roommate. Which means he also has to be a guide for him. Which means Deidara here will be with Sasori at all times. The question is, do we take Akasuna out of commission for the time being, or do we initiate him?"
Hidan raised his hand like a child, mockingly. The orange-haired leader sighed. "Hidan?"
"Well. He obviously has some of his mind, so he won't fit in with the Nutty Crew. He doesn't seem like a rapist, so he won't fit in with Orochimaru and his bunch, and well, he doesn't seem like Kakashi, so he won't fit in on his own either. Besides, we don't have a lyso-whatever. Dei-chan should join us!"
Deidara glared at the nickname the man had apparently given him, while the others stared at Hidan in shock.
Kisame blinked slowly. "Hidan, I think that's the... least stupid thing I've ever heard you say. I honestly didn't think you were capable of such long strings of thought."
"Shut up Kisame. You're such an -"
"Moving on," Pein broke in, "that's one for initiating Deidara. Anyone else have anything to say? For or against?"
Kakuzu had out a small clipboard, and had made several long calculations upon it. "Taking out Sasori would leave us down one of our strongest members. Orochimaru might seize upon that chance and attack. It is in our best interest to initiate Deidara. Besides, by my calculations, he would be a dangerous enemy in the hands of Orochimaru or even the Others."
Pein nodded. "Anyone else? … No? Okay. Anyone against Deidara's induction? ...No? Great." He turned to the very confused blonde. "All you have to do is pass the initiation test and you'll bed one of us."
Deidara blinked his visible eye slowly. "Ummm... What am I joining, un?"
"Oh right, you're new here. Well. Amongst this institution, the 'inmates' are divided up into several different groups, almost gangs. There's Naruto, Kiba, Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, Shino, Neji, and Gaara in one group, the one with people who are completely out of their minds, or close enough to fit in there, or don't have the necessary qualities to fit in here. Then there's Orochimaru's group, with Kabuto, Karin, and four others named Suigetsu, Tayuya, Kimmimaro, and Kidoumaru. The last four you didn't meet because they have a different session than us. His group is made up of the perverts and creepy people. Sasuke, Itachi's little brother, recently joined up with them because they are our rivals. Kakashi just kind of hangs out with Iruka and that's it. He doesn't have a group, not to say that all three of us didn't try. Then there's us, the Akatsuki. I am the leader, with Konan and Sasori directly beneath me. We fight Orochimaru's group for control of the institute. He seems to fancy himself more capable than us... idiot. We all make ourselves seem a little more insane than we are for the sake of unpredictability. Or... all of us except Hidan... Anyways, all you have to do is pass the test and you'll be one of us."
Those in the room easily ignored the silver-haired man's shout of protest.
Deidara's mind whirled as he struggled to take in all the information. "Um... what kind of test, un?"
Pein tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm..."
Hidan was once again ignored as he shouted "A sacrifice for Jashin-sama!"
"You must... give Kabuto a kiss. On the lips. For at least ten seconds. Sasori will go with you to witness."
Everyone shivered. Their leader was indeed evil.
Itachi looked the most shaken, having been sought after by Orochimaru before. "Leader-san, do you realize what will happen to Deidara if he does this? I thought you wanted to recruit him, not kill him off."
The Akatsuki leader nodded. "It will show Orochimaru exactly which side Deidara is on. And, if he's good enough to join us, he won't die. He might get roughed up a bit, but won't die. And Deidara, after you do it, run. Straight back here. We'll have your back from there."
With a resigned sigh, Deidara nodded and stood, swiftly following Sasori, who had since exited the room.
End Chapter 1
(1)- lysis meaning something along the lines of "burst" or "explode" I know it's not a real word, but, you know... If someone has a better word than pyromaniac, please tell me.
A/N- Sorry if some of the characters seem/are OOC. My excuses are: 1) Some of them I haven't even met in the series yet, (I'm on episode 92 of the first series, and episodes 3 and 58 of Shippuden... yeah. Don't ask.) and 2) this IS an almost crack-fic. Not quite, but close. Actually, it's more of an I-Had-To-Get-Up-At-6AM-To-Drive-To-Santa-Cruz-With-My-Family-And-Writing-Was-My-Only-Means-Of-Entertainment-fic. Yeah... Like, hate, whichever, TELL ME! :P constructive criticism is amazing, I love to get it. And, I want to know if anyone has any pairings they want to see.
I already have(planned): ItachiKisame, SasoriDeidara, and SasukeNaruto. I am open to straight pairings, I just prefer yaoi ;) And if you want to see a character who hasn't been included yet, just tell me. I can try to work them in. Any pairing or character I do add by suggestion, I will dedicate the chapter of their appearance to the person whose idea it was.
Oh, and if you have an idea for a pairing for someone already in a relationship/pairing, do tell. (like an affair or something) I'd be glad to write it.
Ja ne.