All She Is
Puck groaned as he turned over and his head pounded. What the fuck had he done last night that his head was trying imitate the bass and drums of AC/DC? Then he realized he wasn't in his bed, wasn't even in his room. He was tangled up in sex smelling sheets with some brunette whose hair wasn't nearly dark enough or curling enough to be the one he wanted. "Fuck my life," He muttered in annoyance as he crawled out of the bed.
The girl, Lynda, was that her name? Fuck if he could remember shifted and turned on her back, exposing her naked front to the air. Puck tilted his head and took a critical look, nope. Still not quite right. Snatching up his shorts and jeans he found his shirt and shoes, socks were no where to be found. Grumbling mentally in an effort to sneak out without waking the chick up Puck stalked cat footed out of the bedroom and pulled on his clothes in the hall.
Figuring out where he was in the city was usually a matter of going outside and taking a look at the street signs. He found his jacket on the couch and his keys and wallet were in his jeans pocket thankfully with nothing missing. Time to get a location and a direction and head home. He restrained a sigh until he got into the hallway. Matt was gonna give him so much shit over this.
Letting himself into the apartment he shared with Matt as quietly as possible Puck picked up the mail and found the letter. Post office stamps glared up at him infringing upon the address and name and he took a deep breath. He didn't know why he still tried. More than four years of writing and calling and searching and he wasn't any closer, but he couldn't seem to stop himself.
"Hey Puck," Matt's voice greeted him from the kitchen doorway. "Good night?"
"Not good enough," Puck sighed and shoved the letter into his pocket. "Be right back man," He moved towards his room and pulled the box out from under his bed. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Matt leaning in his doorway and looked up, "Yeah?"
"What's goin' on with the letters," His roommate asked quietly. Blue eyes were dark with concern as he regarded Puck.
"Just someone I can't find," Puck put the letter in the already crowded box and shoved the box back under his bed before he began to change his clothes. Matt remained where he was and Puck chuckled, "Man when you gonna find a boyfriend an' stop starin' at me?"
"When I find a man who interests me and attracts me," Matt told him smugly and leaned against the door to enjoy the view.
Not for the first time Puck laughed and just kept changing his clothes, "You kiss me again an' I will deck you this time dude."
"I'm not drunk," Matt said quietly. "You know I don't drink that much anymore. Bad for the body, bad for the mind, bad for my friendships even if my friend is one of the more understanding straight men I know." He shook his head, "I remember that talk you had with me. I think maybe its time I had a similar talk with you."
"Man when have you ever seen me as drunk as you were that night?" Puck looked at his friend and roommate with incredulous eyes. "What kinda talk are you plannin' to have with me?"
"Finish gettin' dressed, I'll make some breakfast," Matt told him. "You're scarin' me man."
Puck sighed and pulled on a clean pair of jeans before yanking a wifebeater over his head and following Matt. "I got the eggs, you just...make the coffee before I keel over from lack a caffeine," He told the more slender man. "You work out yet?"
"Nah," Matt shook his head, "Wanted to wait for you. Figured we'd go over together, rehearse after, then to the club after something light to eat." He grinned teasingly as he measured out the grounds placing them in the filter, "It's spring break, I could always take you shopping."
"You tryin' to torture me?" Puck rolled his eyes as he whipped the eggs with a whisk and added pepper, dill, a touch of onion and garlic along with a tablespoon of light sour cream. "You know I can't afford new clothes. I'm just hopin' I don't gotta invest in any new costumes for the next six months."
"Mac won't be happy," Matt opened the fridge and pulled out the container of turkey bacon. "Feel like anything else 'sides eggs an' bacon?"
"Grab me a piece a fruit or something, like an orange," Puck shrugged. "I read the other day you can still get scurvy. I'm givin' myself one orange or somethin' a week to go along with the vitamins."
"Good idea," Matt agreed and pulled two oranges out of the fridge. "You near done there?"
"Just gotta scramble 'em," Puck poured the egg mixture into the pan, "Time coffee's ready an' you get the oranges peeled an' bacon nuked we should be ready."
"Good," Blue eyes were still watching Puck as the younger man expertly scrambled the eggs, "Because I'm going to talk and then you're going to talk. And I want actual answers this time Puck."
"Shit," Puck busied himself with the eggs and tried to figure out what the hell he was going to tell his friend. By the time they were scrambled he still hadn't a clue as to what he would say to explain his behavior and still keep his private business private.
"You'd think you had some sort of deep dark secret," Matt shook his head at Puck. "You told me about how it was in Lima. What could possibly be so damn bad?"
Puck divided the eggs between two plates and set the pan in the sink to soak giving himself a little time to gather his words, "Eat your eggs before they get cold." He sighed, "This is about the letters isn't it."
"It doesn't happen every time you get one back but it does happen," Matt said quietly. "It's like it builds up and you snap, you go out, pick up the first willing brunette after a show, drink yourself stupid and fuck until you're blind." He shook his head as he ate neatly and quickly, Puck doing the same as if by fueling his body he could ignore the questions. "Puck, its like you disappear, you don't have any life in your eyes. And these past few times...its happened more often. Like you're using sex as a drug to not feel anything. You're scarin' the hell out of me man."
Puck ran a hand over his crew cut and sighed, "Never meant to freak you out." He said quietly. "Fell back into an old bad habit I guess, fuckin' to numb out my brain. Just gettin'...gettin' so I can't take it anymore man."
"Can't take what?" Matt shook his head after he took a gulp of coffee. "Can you please just tell me what's going on? I've known you for more than three years Puck, you're... I've never seen you like I did this morning. If I didn't know better I'd say a Dementor got a hold of your ass."
Puck nearly snorted as the laugh took him by surprise. Matt was one of the more unlikely seeming Harry Potter fans but he'd gotten Puck into the books and movies and jokes about Expelliarmas, Scourgify and Dementors were all part of the hobby. "Told ya I'd been fuckin' since I was thirteen when we met," He began. "Sophomore year I got a girl pregnant. She...pretty much hated my guts after that. A lot of people did. We...gave up our daughter at the end of the year. I spent the summer drunk off my ass, capped it off by getting wasted and trying to steal an ATM. Spent some time in Juvenile Hall."
"You mentioned that, and your record was expunged since you were a minor and hadn't broken probation," Matt nodded as he began to eat his orange. "I'm guessin' that isn't the whole story?"
"Knew a girl since I was...oh five or six," Puck said quietly. "Little Jewish girl like me, an' we dated for a week sophomore year. Broke up 'cause we were both in love with other people. Least she was and I'd gotten that girl pregnant and damned if I was going to lie to her about it."
"Okay..." Matt clearly didn't see a connection and Puck sighed.
"I...was screwed up as a kid Matt," Puck leaned back in his chair eating his orange in between words. "My old man took off when I was around nine or ten but not before smackin' me around a ton an' tellin' me I was damn worthless almost every day a my life." He shook his head, "My ma, always been too busy workin' to pay much attention to me. Tried to do my best for my little sister, half a the money I put in savings goes for her college fund. It ain't much but I'm not gonna let my baby sis end up like me."
"Didn't anybody help?" Matt was shaking his head in disturbed amazement.
"Small town, trouble makin' kid, Jewish, dead beat dad, not a lotta folks gave a shit," Puck shrugged. "But when I was in Juvie...the girl I dated, she was the only one 'sides my sister to talk to me. Made sure I got weekly phone calls, brought my sis for visits, wrote me letters. My lifeline to the real world you know?" He shrugged again, "She was datin' this small town hero type, but after we'd dated...we were friends. Did my best to watch out for her."
"Is this the one girl you said never told you that you were a loser?" Blue eyes were shrewd as they regarded Puck. That was the one uncomfortable thing about living with Matt. It wasn't that the man was gay and found Puck attractive. It wasn't that he brought his boyfriends home and some of them were asswipes. It was that he was too fuckin' smart for Puck's own good, remembering conversations from three years ago like they were yesterday.
"Yeah," Puck sighed. "See...she never gave up on me, that I'd get outa Lima. She helped me study, hell its 'cause a her that I even graduated." He shrugged, "She broke up with her boyfriend senior year. After that...spent more time with her. Her dads didn't like me much but I... I just wanted to be around her you know? We never slept together, just made out a whole bunch, made plans..."
"So what happened?" Matt got up and began to clear the plates.
"I dunno man," Puck finished his coffee and began to wash the dishes. "We talked 'bout her acceptance to Julliard, how the minute I got enough money I'd follow her to New York." He shook his head, "I worked my ass off in Lima, worked three different jobs, just tryin' to save enough to get here. I wrote, I called, I called her dads, even asked around our old school. Couldn't find her. She never called me. She didn't write. Only way I know she's even alive is her dads say she's fine an' they'll pass on my number an' address when she calls 'em again."
"So the letters..." Matt shook his head. "You're still trying to find her?"
"Yeah," Puck sighed. "I've done searches on Facebook, looked on My Space. Hell I've even Googled her, but apart from shit we all did with Glee club in high school nothin' comes up."
"And when you get a letter back..."
"Feels like someone's stabbin' me in the stomach," Puck put the dishes in the rack to dry and wiped out the sink. "Try to drown out the feelin', that fear that I'll never see her again... so I go out. I drink. I fuck the first girl I can find reminds me a her. Nothin' helps."
"Maybe you could save up some more...hire a detective?" Matt said thoughtfully.
"I'm really thinkin' hard on that one," Puck admitted. "She's... Matt she's the only one who ever believed in me. Ever really thought I could do whatever I wanted. Hell my mom thinks I'm no good. This girl..."
"So what is she to you now?" Matt was looking at him like he was waiting for a specific answer.
"All she is... is the girl I've loved all my life," Puck felt his throat tighten. "I never even got to tell her man. We were supposed to have time. Supposed to be together once I got to New York. And if she ever came back to Lima I never heard about it."
Matt sighed, "Well, let's go an' get sweaty and pumped... maybe we'll figure out a way to track her down. I mean I've been hearing about your glee girl for years now. Just never knew you were trying to find her."
Puck nodded, "Yeah well tryin' to find her...always seems to end up with my heart gettin' busted up." He shrugged suddenly tired of the subject, "Lemme get my shit together an' we can go."
Puck was playing his guitar again, sitting on the floor with his back against the couch, when Matt walked into the apartment, his face a study in misery. "Hey man," He greeted the slender blue-eyed male. "Date not go well?"
"He doesn't think our relationship will go anywhere good," Matt said quietly taking a seat on the floor next to Puck. "Will you play me somethng?"
"Yeah man," Puck nodded. "What'll you hear?"
"Anything you want, just like to hear you singin'," Matt sighed. "You act like a badass, and you are totally in a way, but you're... you got a good heart. When you sing anybody listening can hear it."
"All right," Puck nodded and began to pluck the strings of the guitar, "Girl in class sang this the other day. Gorgeous melodies. Probably can't do it justice but it...well it sorta works..." He sighed and let the music and words just flow out of him,
"Take my hand and I will pull you through
The light is gone but I am still here with you
You are so far away thinkin' you should roam
My arms are ready for you to come back home
Can you feel me, feel my reach?
Honey take it easy, honey, just be,"
Puck looked over at Matt and smiled slightly as he paused before the second verse, "Guess it applies to me an' my girl too. Miss her so damn much Matt." He lifted his voice and sang everything that moved inside him, the agony of missing her, pain for his friends bruised heart, hope that he'd see her again.
"When we were young in love our world was small
Now we're grown, we're giants standing tall
In being who you are there is no shame
Through the eyes of compromise it never looks the same
Can you feel me, feel my reach?
Honey take it easy, honey, just be
No, I could not forgive myself thinkin' I held you back
Go ramblin' like a freight train and get yourself on track
In being who you are there is no shame
Through the eyes of compromise it never looks the same
Can you feel me, feel my reach?
Honey take it easy, honey, just be
Can you feel me, feel my reach?
Honey don't conceal me, honey, just be..."
Matt wiped tears off his cheeks unashamedly as Puck let the sound of the guitar die out, "Damn man, why aren't you singin' in more clubs?"
"Workin' too much," Puck shrugged. "An' I'm more about writing the music than I am performin' it these days." He wrapped his arm around Matt's shoulders and kissed the man's cheek affectionately. "You'll find the right man someday," He told his friend. "You're such a great guy, and a pretty damn good kisser, how could anyone resist you?"
"Pretty easily apparently," Matt sighed. "Maybe I'm going after the wrong type of guy. I've just always been...attracted to men like you Puck."
"Bad boys or the ones that are built," Puck chuckled.
"A little of both, but mostly its the build, the face," Matt's chuckle was a little sad but it was a laugh. "What's your type? As if I couldn't tell from the type of women you end up with."
"I like tiny little divas with legs that go on forever," Puck sighed. "She's gotta have creamy olive skin and a Jewish nose. Dark eyes that see through all my bullshit and a mouth that never stops talkin' 'less I'm kissin' her." He chuckled, "An ass that won't quit, nice high tight breasts and long dark brown hair that curls at the ends." He kissed the top of Matt's head, "Maybe you oughta try my type. Can't do any worse than you have."
"Well we'll see," Matt sighed a bit. "So what's your favorite thing to sing with your girl?" He changed the topic minutely.
Puck scribbled quickly and then played a few more notes on the keyboard before scribbling again. "All she is...the air I breathe... all I need..." He muttered to himself, "The smile of her eyes..." He shook his head and began to write again, anxious to finish before Matt came home and he lost his concentration. It wasn't quite flowing, more coming in spurts and starts but it was coming together. Finally he had something that was fit to be refined later on and he could open his door and let Matt know he was done working.
"How's it goin'?" Matt asked as Puck finally left his room.
"Finally got somethin' done," Puck sighed. "You?"
"Met somebody when I was shoppin'," Matt smiled, "Your type, not mine, but he's nice enough."
"Yeah?" Puck grinned, "Cool." He pointed a finger at Matt, "I wanna meet him before you sleep with him. You keep datin' these jackass guys. Tell 'em I'm your big brother, tell 'em I'm your fuckin' guardian or what the fuck ever but I wanna meet him."
"You're going to vet my dates now?" Matt chuckled with a shake of his head. "Seriously?"
"I don't like seein' you get hurt man," Puck shook his head and grabbed his friend in a hug he could tell Matt needed. "You know I don't mind that you like my body right? I'm straight but..." He sighed and kissed Matt's cheek affectionately. "If you just need a hug or somebody to hang onto at night...I could do that for you. You don't need these jerks if you want somebody to hold you. I'll do that for you."
"Fuck my life," Matt shook his head as one of the phrases he'd picked up from Puck. "I can't use you like that man," He didn't pull way from Puck's hug but Puck could tell he was nervous. "It's not fair to you."
Puck rubbed the back of Matt's head completely messing with his do and laughed, "Dude, the one thing I'm not is shy about telling you if you're going to far. I'm not gonna start swinging your way. But...one a the things my girl taught me... we all got needs. An' she told me once that half a the whorin' around I did was 'cause I didn't get any affection at home."
"So you think if I cuddle with you and spend a few platonic nights in your bed that I won't fall for such jerks in the future?" Matt pulled away with a disbelieving look on his face.
"Nah," Puck shook his head, "You'd have to fuck me to change than much." He started chuckling at the astonished look on Matt's face. "Dude you're so easy," He took a gasping breath. "I'm sayin' that if you know you got milk at home, even if its skim, you don't bother to stop at the store."
"Right," Matt was still looking at him as if he was crazy. "I'll think about that."
Puck shrugged and opened the fridge, "Offer's open man."
Six months later Puck was waking up with Matt wrapped up in his arms, the slender man looking more peaceful than he had in months. It didn't happen often, and Matt still brought some idiots home, but since Puck had started vetting them and Matt had begun spending some of his nights 'getting his cuddle on' as Santana would have called it, the older male hadn't been as dismally disappointed by the actions of his would be dates.
"Hmm..." Matt groaned as he began to wake up and Puck chuckled.
"Dude you're the same every mornin'," The Ohio native laughed. "It's after eight. Pretty sure gettin' up right now is considered sleepin' in."
"Not when you get home at four," Matt shuddered and Puck cuddled him closer before he let the slender man go.
"C'mon, we'll catch a nap on the couch before the show," Puck teased. "The guys think they got me all figured so its 'bout time I threw 'em a curve."
"You're a wicked wicked man," Matt huffed the words out in affectionate irritation.
"Yeah," Puck sighed.
"What?"
Puck shrugged and pushed himself out of the bed, "My girl...used to say that to me. Usually when I was tryin' to convince her makin' out was a better idea than studyin'." He could hear the energy draining out of his voice. "Fuck my life!" He swore, "I ain't had sex in damn near nine months. I can't find her. I miss her like a fuckin' limb Matt. An' when I think I'm gettin' better, gettin' through life without these...shards of memory stabbin' me every time I breathe... I hear somethin' like that an' its... Damn Matt, its like I'm right back where I started." He felt Matt's arms come around him and took a deep breath.
"You don't cry over her," Matt said quietly. "You're as miserable as I've ever seen you but you never cry."
"I've only ever let one person see me with tears in my eyes," Puck struggled to breathe. "You're my friend Matt...but you ain't her."
"All right," Matt pressed a kiss to Puck's shoulder and patted him on the back. "I'm taking you up on that nap though."
"Yeah," Puck sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. "I gotta write some shit down man, gimme five." He was already reaching for a pen and his notebook aware of Matt smiling fondly down at him. "Go on man, you take longer'n I do to get ready anyway."
Soft sweet smelling hair, silky skin and the firmest perkiest ass pressed up against his cock, Puck groaned and prayed he wasn't dreaming because the girl in his arms felt so much like Rachel. "Please be real," He muttered, pressing kisses to the soft skin of her shoulders. "Please God be real."
"Baby what are you saying?" The voice was hers, and she was turning in his arms. "Noah?"
Puck opened his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief, "Dreamed a you for so long angel," He told her pressing a kiss to her mouth and cheek and neck. "Can't always be sure you aren't a dream."
"Me too," Rachel smiled up at him adoringly. "Have I told you how grateful I am that Kurt dragged me to a strip club instead of dinner that night?"
"Rather you show me baby," Puck grinned and rolled so he was completely on top of her. "Know I'm gonna show you."
"Hmm...love you," Rachel gasped the words out.
He'd never heard words so sweet in his life.
Fin
Author's Note: So this is a little one shot set in the same world as Magic Puck. Not a lot of plot just a series of scenes that felt right to me and alluded to things from the main story. I hope you all enjoyed it and you'll review and let me know. Thanks for reading.