A/N: Hellooooooo readers! It's time for me to share my (very late) contribution to the second round of the CWS Ficathon. I was assigned the episode: 'There's The Rub'. It was a very Luke-light episode, but I somehow found a way around that. This is the first of three chapters, and I promise to update frequently. I hope you enjoy the adventure ahead!
Many thanks to the organizers, and a special thanks to Filo, my little beta buddy.
It was a Friday morning and the diner's patrons were experiencing the rare and wonderful world of indigestion. Nearly every table was decorated with delicious drywall and incredibly appetizing chunks of ceiling. Tom and his crew were busy at work in Luke's apartment, transforming the bachelor pad into a more liveable space. Luke considered buying out another three buildings if it meant elongating the distance between himself and Jess, and the coma inducing music Jess insisted on playing. Every single night.
Lorelai and Rory were fortunate enough to snag a table in a less impacted area of the diner. Luke nodded in greeting to them as he flitted impatiently from table to table, instructing people to cover their food and watch for flying debris. He argued with Tom, massaged his aching temples and glared at Lorelai, all in the span of ten seconds. Her cell phone earned her a first class ticket out the door, and she quickly obliged, happy to escape from the insanity for a moment.
Emily was on the other line. The insanity had returned. Ten fold.
"Lorelai, how do you feel about spas?"
"Um… good?" Lorelai said, leaning against the outside wall of the diner.
Emily was silent as she seemed to consider Lorelai's statement for longer than necessary.
"Spas are good," Lorelai regurgitated.
"Are you free this weekend?" Emily asked suddenly.
"For what?"
"Just answer the question, Lorelai."
Lorelai rolled her eyes. "Ye-es," she struggled to get out. "But… I might have to donate a kidney or something, so, you know, that comes first."
"Wonderful," Emily returned, clearly unaffected by Lorelai's medical affairs. It just so happens that I have two gift certificates to the Birch Grove Spa for this weekend."
"That sounds just delightful, Mom," Lorelai said genuinely. I hope you and Jessica Simpson have a fabulous time."
"I don't know what on earth you're talking about, Lorelai. I was hoping that you would be joining me."
"Why?" Lorelai blurted.
"Why what?"
"Why… just why?"
"Did you not just say that you liked spas?"
"Well, not verbatim."
"And you've indicated that you're free this weekend, correct?"
"Uh, technically–"
"Then I don't see what the problem is. Do you see a problem, Lorelai?" Emily asked in a delicately condescending voice.
"You mean besides the whole mother/daughter spa experience? Nope, no problem at all."
"Excellent. I'll pick you up tomorrow morning."
"Drive slow," Lorelai muttered as the line went dead. She shook her head, mystified by the forces of Emily Gilmore. She had ways of making people do things. Things that weren't pretty. Well, spas were pretty, in a sense, but that's beside the point.
Lorelai walked back inside the diner, her hand pressed to her forehead dramatically as she slumped into the seat next to Rory. "Woe is me," she sighed.
"What's up?" Rory asked.
"My mother's Valium dosage," Lorelai replied, smirking. "She wants to spend a weekend with me at a spa. A whole weekend, Rory! I can't handle this."
"Well, what weekend? How long do we have to prepare?"
"See, that's the funny part. It's this weekend."
Rory's eyes widened. "But today is Friday."
Lorelai nodded. "Right, which means that tomorrow is day one of my journey into hell."
Rory was quietly contemplative, a smile gradually forming on her face.
"What are you smiling about? Are you somehow deriving joy from mommy's misery?"
"I'm just thinking about all the food I'm going to order after you leave."
"Most parents go away worrying about post-party destruction. I have the honour of worrying about the lingering scent of Indian food."
Rory laughed. "I'll air the place out after."
"Just burn it down. And then lie and tell me it was the result of the wild party you threw."
"Whatever will make you happy."
Lorelai grinned, patting Rory on the shoulder. "That's my girl." Her eyes moved to the counter and she watched in amusement as Luke attempted to sidestep around Tom and ended up ploughing into Jess. She giggled loudly, waving animatedly at Luke when he glanced at her in annoyance.
Lorelai turned back to Rory. "Come with me," she whined.
"Can't. I have school work, and laundry to do. Besides, I think you and grandma need to spend some quality time together."
"Why did I have to get the responsible kid?" Lorelai sighed. "I'll be right back." Rory nodded, focusing her attention on removing the layer of drywall dust that had formed on their table since arriving.
Lorelai shuffled up to the counter and smiled expectantly at Luke. "Whatcha doin' this weekend?" she asked him.
"Um… working."
"Okay," she said, smirking, "but what would you like to be doing?"
Luke sighed. "What are you talking about?"
"Where would you rather be?" she rephrased. "What would you rather be doing?" He stared at her dumbfounded. "This isn't a trick question."
He shrugged. "I don't know. I'd rather be… fishing, I guess."
She rolled her eyes. "Ever been to a spa?"
"No," he answered flatly.
"Really? 'Cause you're missin' out, buddy."
"I'll live."
Lorelai grabbed the rag that hung over Luke's shoulder and wiped off the stool next to her, taking a seat. "My mother is forcing me to go to the spa with her this weekend," she told him.
"Ah," he said, catching the rag when she tossed it back to him.
"I was hoping to have a buffer."
"And I would be the buffer?" She nodded. "But that would involve me going to the spa."
"Well, yes, that is one technicality."
He shook his head. "I'm not going to the spa."
"But Luke, you haven't felt heaven until you've experienced a mud bath. And the massages? Priceless. Although, they cost a fortune if you aren't living on Emily Gilmore's dime."
He stood expressionless with his arms folded tightly across his chest.
"Come with me," she pleaded, jutting out her lower lip for effect.
"No," grumbled.
Her head slumped over in defeat. "Fine," she huffed. "But if I have to suffer through this, you're going to hear about it. Don't you want to save yourself from that torture?"
"I have ear plugs." She glared at him.
Caesar poked his head out of the kitchen and passed off a couple plates to Luke.
Lorelai raised her eyebrows excitedly. "Those for me?" she asked, indicating the pancake-piled dishes.
Luke nodded. "Make yourself useful," he said, handing them to her with a smirk.
She licked her lips, wonderfully distracted by the food in her hands. With a wink, she turned on her heel and delivered the plates to her table. Luke chuckled, enjoying her retreating form, the spa conversation long forgotten. Food had such power over Lorelai Gilmore. He longed for that kind of power.
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Lorelai and Emily arrived at the Birch Grove Spa just after ten on Saturday morning. Lorelai had to admit that the limousine was a nice touch. The mini bar was an even nicer touch. A little vodka before noon never hurt anyone… well, not that she knew of, anyway.
They checked in at the front desk, and Lorelai forced a cheerful smile as Emily rearranged their treatment times until they were identical across the board.
Bobby, the front desk attendant, was lovely enough to inform Lorelai of the 'no caffeine' policy. She wanted to kick him. Emily couldn't stop gushing over the cucumber water. Lorelai hated cucumbers with the fire of a thousand suns. Yeah, this spa thing was really working out.
Lorelai trailed down the hall after her mother, rummaging through her purse for her cell phone. When she retrieved it, she quickly dialled the familiar number, slowing her steps as she waited for him to pick up.
"Yeah?" Luke answered impatiently. She heard the clattering of dishes and the bustle of voices in the background and could easily assess that he was still in the midst of the breakfast rush.
"They don't have caffeine here, Luke. Don't they know how dangerous that is?"
"Lorelai?"
She prattled on, ignoring his question, "Do they seriously think that fruit and yogurt constitutes breakfast? God, I can hardly imagine what they serve for lunch. I'm having horrible visions of raw vegetables, and tofu, and seeds…"
"Is there a particular reason that you called me?" Luke interrupted.
Lorelai smiled. "Yes, Luke. I promised you a recap of the whole spa experience, and I'm delivering on that promise."
"You never promised me a recap," he argued.
"Well, maybe not in so many words, but I believe it was implied."
"How was it implied? No, you know what? It doesn't matter. I can't talk right now," Luke said seriously. "I've got Tom and his crew on one side of me, a pile of customers on the other. This place is a nut house."
"Oh, speaking of nuts," Lorelai began excitedly, "there's a bowl of nuts in the lobby of this place. The only edible thing here, I imagine. And get this, there's a spoon in the nut bowl! Can you believe it? A spoon! Nuts are meant to be communal." She paused as she heard the unmistakable sound of a glass breaking, followed by Kirk's flood of apologies.
Luke groaned and said, "I'm living in a communal nut bowl."
Lorelai giggled in response, only stopping when she noticed Emily entering the room directly next to hers. "Oh God," she winced. "Don't tell me…" She inserted her key card and walked inside the spacious room, her nightmare becoming a reality when her mother stepped through the connecting door. "We have adjoining rooms," she said despondently to Luke.
"We have adjoining rooms!" Emily happily announced, frowning when she noticed the cell phone in Lorelai's hand. "Lorelai, what are you doing on that phone?"
"Crap, gotta go," she told him.
"Don't call me again."
"Such a sweet talker," she said teasingly, snapping her phone shut.
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The mother/daughter tag-team left their facial treatments with glowing complexions and boosted egos. Emily set off eagerly down the hall; the spa was like a newly-discovered playground to her. Lorelai was content to hang back, dialling the diner again so she could update Luke on the happenings.
Luke answered on the fourth ring. "I have a headache," he said, knowing who was on the other line.
"I bet," she sympathized. "All that construction going on, customers… Kirk."
"And yet, you keep calling me."
"Because I'm giving you a recap," she explained.
"Yeah, I get it. You figure, hey, he's already got one headache, what's another, right?"
Lorelai smirked. "Right, because two wrongs make a right. Or two headaches make a… happy head? I don't know what I'm talking about," she finished lamely.
Luke chuckled. "Where're you off to now?"
"Well, we just finished our skin rejuvenating and revitalizing collagen facial and eye treatment."
"Could I have that in English, please?"
She laughed. "They made our faces look pretty."
"Ah, I see," Luke said. "I don't really think you need a spa for that," he added quietly.
Lorelai smiled for a long moment, and finally continued, "And now we're headed to our Egyptian mud bath."
"Fascinating."
She noticed a cluster of staff members several feet ahead of her, and abruptly lowered her voice. "I have my robe and matching slippers on," she whispered.
"Why are you whispering?" he asked.
"I'm whispering, because along with all of its other delightful qualities, this place apparently frowns upon cell phones… and caffeine. Did I mention that?"
"Yeah, a few times."
Before she could utter another word, Emily's voice sounded from behind her. "Lorelai, for God sakes, put that phone away!"
Lorelai clutched her heart, gasping for air. "Where did you come from? I thought you were ahead of me."
"We'll be kicked out," Emily told her. "Do you want us to be kicked out?"
She was quiet as she considered the possibility.
Emily rolled her eyes. "Hurry up, or we'll be late for our next appointment." This time Lorelai watched her carefully as she moved down the hall. If there were any secret passages or escapes, Lorelai was determined to find them.
She sighed apologetically into the phone. "Call you later," she said to Luke.
"I'm taking the phone off the hook," he warned.
"Liar."
"Bye, Lorelai."
"Bye, Luke." She grinned, depositing her phone in the pocket of her robe. She had to admit that her mother was right; the robes were fabulous. Taking a final breath of composure, she walked forward, anxious to see Emily's face when she found out it was real mud.
TBC…