Dear Diary,
Today, I found Harry crying again. This time, he hadn't even gone to breakfast. It took me forever to find him, but once I did, this is what happened:
"I can't do it, Draco, I just cant. They're gone. All gone. I'll never see them again. It's all my fault. My- my- I'm- I always- it's all my fault." Harry had his arms around me, tears running down his face, drenching my newly bought green shirt. Not this again…
"No, Harry. It's not you fault."
Y-yes it is. They d-d-died for me. All I ever do it hurt people. Every time s-someone gets close to me, it falls to shit. Death follows me everywhere, you know that. Why are you even here? G-get away, Draco, go away! Before you get hurt too-"
"Harry, calm down, I'm not going to get hurt, the war is over, Voldemort is dead, peop-"
"I'm- I'm a murderer. Oh god! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Don't look at me, Draco. Get away. Please. Please…."
"No. Harry, you have to listen to me. You had to kill Voldmort, if you hadn't millions of people would have died, you saved the world, Harry. You are no murderer. You hear me? All the people who died during the war, yes it was sad, but it's over now, ok? It's all over. You ended it with your bravery and courage and stupid Gryffindor stubbornness. So stop blaming yourself and I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay here until you calm down."
Harry started bawling again, curling into my chest, his arms holding me a light too tightly. I just petted his hair and accioed a tissue so he could clean himself up. When his cries finally quieted, there were rings of red around his glowing green eyes and his shaggy hair was as ruffled as ever. His nose was a bit red and his cheeks tinted pink and his glasses were askew.
I straightened them and handed him the tissue, then summoning a glass of water and made him drink it, appreciating the way his throat moved when he swallowed. Hmmm, lovely…
"T-thank you, Draco, you're the best." He gave a weak smile and leaned back against me, resting his head on my shoulder, his lips almost touching the base of my neck.
"Come on, let's go to the kitches so you can get something to eat. When was the last time you had a full meal? Yesterday?"
"Yeah probably" he mumbled sleepily as I dragged him down the few flights of stairs that led to the kitchens. Upon arrival, the house elves worked up as much food as they could carry and made us sit down so they could serve us. I told Harry I wouldn't eat unless he did. He knew I was hungry, seeing as I had missed dinner for him and reluctantly gobbled up a piece of Sheppard's pie.
So, Diary, I consider it a good day. I wish he would think of me in a more romantic way, but he's been through so much. I wonder if he is capable of loving someone fully. Damn the Dark Lord to the deepest pits of Tartarus. I guess for now, I'll just be here for him, any way he wants.
Well, good night, Diary,
Draco Malfoy
(^^^)
Dear Diary,
It's been years since the last entre I made. literally. Looking back, it's kinda weird, I guess. I mean, it's kind of silly for a grown man to be writing a diary, but whatever! I found it in a box this morning and it took me till now to read through everything. I mean it's about fifteen years worth of stuff, but I made it through. So here we I said, I was unpacking a box.
I should probably explain.
After we graduated out 7th or 8th year of Hogwarts, depending on how you look at it, Harry and I bought some land in the mountains, jut a few days walk away from the castle. We built a small house and moved in. While we were building it, we staying at the Zabini's mansion with Blaise. I didn't want to go to the Malfoy Manor and Harry didn't want to go to Godric Hollow or Grimmauld Place and Blaise offered.
It took five years. Five years (!) until the small cottage was finished, and by then, Harry was better with himself. I mean he doesn't blame himself so much anymore and he's visited the Weasley's and Granger a little. He goes to visit Dumbledore's and Snape's paintings once in a while, but it's hard for him, being in the castle. All the memories of those awful days always flood through his mind and usually he needs help when he's in there. It used to be easier with McGonagall there, but she's retired now and lives somewhere in Ireland.
Kingsley's the minister and has offered both of us, Harry and I, jobs in the ministry, but we declined all of them. Harry's not up for it and I want to be near him at all times and it's not as if we haven't the money. So we spent most of the days in Blaise's mansion, while he goes touring the major sites in England, Scotland, America, and Canada with his various girlfriends. I think Harry wants to visit South America at some point in the near future, but we haven't really talked about it.
The Weasley twins have expanded their joke shop and Harry likes to visit some of the stores, but not the one in Diagon Ally. I know it's because of bad things that happened to him there, but he didn't say anything about it, so I didn't ask. I think he's afraid of the Weasley's, even though they treat him like he's their own. I don't really understand why, but I think it has something to do with breaking Ginny's heart. She's married now, to some Quidditch player, but I don't think he's forgiven himself.
So anyway, last week, we got a message that the house we were having built was finished and Harry wanted to move right away. Blaise convinced him to stay a few more days so we could plan a "home party." Harry isn't really into it, I can tell, but I think he's trying to be like his old self and has thrown himself into picking out themes and table clothes and invitations. It's adorable. It's nice to see him truly smile, which has been happening more often now. You know how it fills my heart and soul at just the sight of his rosy cheeks and beaming from the inside out through his happiness.
I don't know if he knows how much I really love him, but I'm not about to sacrifice our friendship by sharing my feelings for him. Id rather see him happy with someone else and be my friend then him being disgusted by my inner desire and leave me. I decided long ago that the hugs and holding hands and soft touches and sweet "good night"s were enough. And they have been.
Anyway, so now we are in the cottage. It's as beautiful and snug as we hoped it would be. We both have our own rooms, bathrooms, and sitting rooms. There is one dinning room and a kitchen. We decided to share a T.V. room, mostly because I don't care for it, and Harry simply can't get enough of it. Kreature, the Black's house elf that Harry inherited from Sirius Black, has his own set of rooms near the kitchens. Harry was reluctant at first at having a house elf, but Kreautre rationalized with him and he relented.
Blaise helped us with the boxes but mostly laid around instructing the movers we hired for the day on where to put the bigger things. Harry told me that it was pointless to have movers when all of us could use magic, including the builders, but decided it was ok seeing as he personally didn't want to do the work.
Pansy came over a few times yesterday, pulling Harry aside to talk party business and Blaise decided he was going to have another one of those talks with me. He's been trying to get me to tell Harry how much he means to me, but as always, I said no.
"Draco, come on! You love him, just tell him and get it over with. Even if he doesn't love you back in that way, he still loves you as a friend. Hell, you two are moving in together, I don't think he would ever hate you. You can be so god damn stupid sometimes, you know that Draco. I meam, if I were in your shoes, I'd've told him years ago. I mean it. I swear to the fucking heavens, if you don't get it over with, it'll just get worse. Just tell him and if you don't by next year, I swear Ill do it for you."
Pansy came to the rescue by calling me over to help with the guest list and I threw Blaise a smirk and stuck my tongue out at him. He grinned and elbowed me, hard, in the ribs. Damn him.
Apparently, Pansy was set on inviting everyone from our year. Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, and Slytherins. Harry seemed ok with the idea so I nodded and she let out a squeal and ran out of the house, leaving the three of us to finish helping the movers.
Well, It's night now, so I'm going to bed. It was nice to write in you again Diary.
Until next time,
Yours,
Draco Malfoy.
(^^^)
Dear Diary,
It's been a few days, but we're finished unpacking everything. Harry's retreated to his room to get used to it, and I assume he won't immerge for a few hours or days, depending on how he feels. Blaise as been popping in lately along with Pansy, Theo, Greg, and sometimes Vince. I think he thinks that I don't talk with them enough, but I do. It is nice to have them around, seeing as they are the only company I'll be getting for a little bit.
I've gotten calls from the Weasley's and Granger, well now she wants me to all her Granger-Weasley, but they've been married for years. I don't know what difference it'll make, but that's none of my business. Harry wouldn't take the calls though so they promised they would be in touch in a few days.
The house is lovely. It's just the right size for Harry and I. I've never liked big houses and being in Blaise's wasn't a big difference from my own, so it's nice to finally get away from mansions. The wood that we picked out goes perfectly with everything, illuminating the room with its smoothness and textures. Thick rugs cover most of the floors and off-white tiles have been set in the kitchen and bathrooms. We hung a few paintings up that Mother gave to me in her will and little statues from Harry's side of the family. We have pictures of friends and a small corner filled with things to commemorate
the deaths of people we both care about from the war.
Kreature has been whipping up a fury in his new kitchen and has been humming. Humming. Never though I'd see the day… Anyway, the meals have been fantastic, though it would be better if I could share them with Harry, but he's had his in his rooms and usually sends the plates back half full anyway. I wish he would eat more.
I have taken to sitting in the roof, which is flat, between reading and eating. There simply aren't words to describe the magnificence of the mountains and the castle. There are two boys who have been playing a Seeker's Game in the Quidditch pitch for the past few days and its fascinating to watch them swooping around each other and playfully fighting for the golden Snitch. It seems likes a lifetime ago that Harry and I were on opposite sides, sneering and mocking each other on the very same pitch. Of course, then, Harry always won, but when we last played our own Seeker's Game, about two years ago, I won all three times. He's changed so much and I honestly worry about him. Where is that carefree, fun-loving boy who walked through Hogwarts' halls like it was nobody's business and laughed loudly at meals? I want him to come back, if only for a minute, or a day, a year, or forever, just to see that spark in his eyes that sent my heart racing.
Kreature's calling me for supper, so I better go, but I think I will write in this diary at least once a week, just to keep it going. This should be interesting…
Love,
Draco Malfoy
(^^^)
Dear Diary,
Yeah, it's been a few days, but I'm back now. Harry came out of his room two days ago in the morning before breakfast. I was witting by the T.V. with it on, but not really paying attention to the things they call "cartoons" which are animated creatures that do stupid things. Flipping through that day's Daily Prophet, and sipping my tea, I was completely unaware of Harry's presence until he laughed at me. It was a soft, kind of giggle, and it warmed me to my core. It was good to see him again.
We went to the kitchen and watched Kreature running around, taste-testing various things for him that he was preparing and egging him on. Smiling shyly to each other, we tucked into eggs, bacon, and toast with butter, as usual. The following hours consisted of us walking around our new home and voicing memories from past years. We ended up at the roof just before sun down and the sight of the orangey-pink sun setting below the mountains was stunning. The clouds were tinted with purple and yellow and the sky was a creamy kind of color I couldn't place. Harry leaned against my shoulder and sighed, his breath tickling my neck. I wrapped my arms around his waist and we watched the sky shift.
A doorbell shattered the silence that hung in the air around out embrace and we headed back down to the house, stealing little looks from each other as we went. Kreature was already showing Pansy and Blaise into the T.V. room when we got through the little latch in the ceiling and we greeted them. Harry had gotten used to Slytherins being around him constantly while living with Blaise and I in the Zabini mansion and he barely blink an eyelash at the sight of my two best friends.
We sat down with tea, crackers, bits of cheese and a warm fireplace crackling in front of us as we discussed the upcoming party. Pansy was going on and on about themes and the dress she was going to wear while Blaise was making a list of the little things we needed to get so that everything could be ready for the next day. We sent the list to Wealey who went and got everything from Diagon Alley and flooed it back to us by the time dinner
was over.
We laid out everything and figured out where things went. Pansy and Blaise stayed for a little while afterwards, catching up a bit, before setting out again. They said something about going to see Severus' portait but I'm not sure what they decided in the end. Harry curled up in his armchair that Blaise let him keep and fell asleep minute later. I stayed and watching his chest rise and fall and the small movements his face made in response to his dreams. Finally after a few hours and cups of coffee, I picked him up and took him to his bed. He sighed as his head hit the pillow and snuggled up to the blanket when I pulled it over his body. Beautiful, terrifyingly beautiful. No words can begin to derive the way I felt as I watched Harry slip under the sheets and smile at something in his imagination. None at all.
Finally, my back slightly aching from standing there watching Harry sleep, I moved out of the room and to my own. Casting off my clothes and warming my sheets with a spell, I fell into it, allowing the silk to caress me. And the wonderful blackness over took my brain.
The next day:
As you know, the party, scheduled that day was not going ot be happening for a few hours after I woke up. Harry and I sat in the kitchen, nibbling toast and reading the Prophet. I noticed he skipped over the article that depicted our moving and straight to the Quidditch section and groaned when he realized his team lost. I got the business section as always. After Harry was finished with the Prophet, he moved on the the Quibbler,laughing to himself as he read about creatures and places that no one had ever heard of. Kreature was less enthusiastic this morning, but I paid no mind to it. He probably missed the company of other house elves.
Pansy burst through the door just as I finished my article and was already blabbing about the party before she was through the doorframe. Harry offered her a cup of coffee and she sat with us while we finished our meal.
"So you have everything, right?" I nodded,
"We laid it our yesterday, remember. Relax, it's all good." She sighed,
"It's just been so long since we've had a party and every one's gonna be there, all of your friends, both of you, and we had a hard few years at school… I just hope everyone gets along." Harry perkerd up at that and smiled,
"Pansy. We've grown up; it's been years. We haven't seen people in ages, I know, but it will be fine. I talked to Ron and Hermione and a few others and told them that they'd better be on their best behavior. Draco has you and Blaise who have obviously grown up as well. So, I assure you, everything will go perfectly."
"Oh course, Harry, you know, I just want everything it be wonderful. For you, Draco, and everytone else. It's kinda like a reunion, come to think about it…" she lost herself in her train of thought and her eyes glazed over. Harry and I exchanged a glance and looked at her until she snapped out of it. "I should have thought of that before! I'll be right back!"
She skipped out of the room, as quickly as she had come and disapparted at the door.
Looking across the mountains and valleys, at the school, we saw her re-appate in front of the main doors and be let in by an unseen person. Minutes later she appeared at our doorstep, breathless.
"Okay, so I talked to Dumbledore, the portrait, and he allowed me to attach your fire place to the R.O.R, so once people get here, we can go there and party there too. I mean if everyone from our year is gonna be there, there is not enough room here, plus I think it'd be nice to visit school for a bit. Also, if keep it connected, you can visit the castle whenever you like, but have to promise not to disturb the classes… I am so awesome!" She stuck her tongue out at us and threw herself on the extra chair and asked Kreature for a glass of water.
Over the next few hours, decorations were put up, chips, pretzels, and more food was set out. A boom box was magiced to sync with my newly aquired iPod, and the lights were covered with colored tissue paper. The couches and chairs and various furniture pieces were moved from their places and a wood floor was set down. The fireplace was enlarged so a group of people could floo at the same time and the pot of floo power was replenished.
Weasley and Granger-Weasley, though maybe I should call them Ron and Hermione, arrived at our house about two hours before people were supposed to arrive and helped with the last touches to make the place look marvelous. Afterwards, we all sat down for a short break of tea and biscuits. Kreature retreated to his own rooms as we wait for the first people to knock on the door.
Ginny Weasley came first with Dean Thomas. They got together after Harry rejected her when the war was over. Next were Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood. Apparently, they had been together, but decided just to be friends after a few months. Fred and George Weasley came in next with Angelina Johnson and Katie Bell. They hadn't been in our year, but they were Harry's friends and family, so it was ok. Lee Jordan followed the Twins and at first it was kind of awkward seeing as neither Harry or I were good friends with him, but after a few minutes and him cracking a joke, everything was fine.
The Patil twins were next with Seamus Finnigan and Justin FinchFletchly. Hanna Abbott, Colon and Dennis Creevey followed. Their Harry Potter fan club only thrived because Harry supplied them with random objects of his and they stayed pen pals over the years. Ernie Mcmillan, Zacharias Smith (who no one liked, but he found out about the party with out meaning to) Terry Boot, Susan Bones, Vince, and Greg came at around the same time. Soon after, a huge crowd of Slytherins consisting of Theo, Blaise, Milicent, Daphne and her sister, Astoria, and Tracey with their many spouses and companions barged through the door.
A few more people trickled in over the next hour, but I didn't bother finding out who. The music was blasting, it seemed that everyone had a red plasti ucp in their hands and bodies were moving against each other. Laughter bounced off the walls and people had to shout to talk to their former classmates. Some people gave us housewarming gifts, but mostly they were there to part and be together. Pansy was ecstatic at the good reception and was dancing with Vince.
I didn't really get into the whole thing, just walking around, trying to catch up to people and refilling empty bowls. Pansy had done an amazing job and the floo idea was perfect. After a while, people were flooing in and out since there was no food in the R.O.R. When I flooed there myself, it was basically the same as our house, but bigger and easier to talk in. Harry seemed to be drowning under a pile of his friends, all laughing and shouting over themselves and the music.
I ended up sitting in a plush chair listening to a Quidditch debate between Lee Jordan and Greg that eventually many more people joined.
I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until Harry shook me awake. We cleaned up the R.O.R. and flooed back home where Blaise, Pansy, Ron and Hermione were. They were all cleaning up and replacing furniture except for Blaise, who was crashed on the couch, sipping dark liquid from his cup.
It felt like ages, but finally everything was done. I ended up carrying Harry to his room again and then going back and seeing our four friends out.
This morning:
We opened the presents and most of them were nice; a few towels, a blanket that Molly Weasley entrusted to the Twins to give to us, a replica of my favorite mug from Blaise. But there were joking ones too, like a application form for a year long supply of porn, which we threw out as soon as we saw it, but grinned wickedly. I promised I would get Theo back for that. There was a breast shaped cup given to Harry from Finnigan, and a few other things. Sometimes I wonder how I'm ever friends with these people, but then I think of the small gifts and realize.
Today I think we're just going to lay around and watch T.V. or read. Kreature came out of "hiding" and is making our lunch right now. Well, I'm going to go eat.
Until next time,
Draco Malfoy
(^^^)
Dear Diary,
Yes, it's been a while, almost two weeks since I've written here, we've been busy.
Recently, Harry has wanted to do more things other than sit around and mope. There's a certain spark in his eyes that I haven't seen in a while and it's beautiful. He's decided he wants to go out into the world instead of stay inside, and believe me, I am NOT going to stop him.
We went to Diagon Alley the other day, due to his insistence the night before. When we passed through the archway of the old brick wall in the back of the Leaky Caldron, it was like seeing a little boy open his first presents on Christmas morning. The second the light hit us, he was bouncing and whispering in my ear about his various stays in this area. I thought back to the first time we met, in the robes shop. It's closed now, with a new one instead, but Harry wants to see it again.
Maybe if I hadn't been so rude that day, we would have been friends earlier. Damn my father and his stupid prejudices. Diary, I know you've heard this many times from in the past year, in fact I know you have, seeing as I wrote it, but I will always regret that day where I insulted Harry and his friend. Always.
We walked through the street, pausing to peer into windows, lost in our own memories. Harry deliberately skipped over Olivander's old wand shop and Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor which had been replaced. We stopped in Florish and Blotts and purchased a few books. The Magical Menagerie was still in place, but with a new owner. When we stepped in the smell of animals hit our noses, but Harry didn't seem to notice and walked over the owl section.
Harry, before that day, had never expressed whether or not he wanted an owl after what happened to Hedwig. The second he walked into that store, he sought out an owl. It seemed to take hours, though it was more like one, but Harry talked to the shopkeeper, weighing options and holding different birds, petting, stroking, and feeding. Finally he found one that was black as a night with no moon but with tints of color in the underside of the feathers. The eyes were green, like his. It was perfect for him.
Harry purchased it and we walked out. After that, Harry kind of went back into himself and was less bubbly. We walking without talking, as before, the silence was pressing and obnoxious. I knew he would tell me what the matter was when we returned to our home, but I had to bite my tongue to hold in my curiosity. But when Harry started shaking slightly and huddling closer to me, I knew there was definitely something wrong and apparated us back home.
"It's just… It's just, I don't know how to do this. I know you say the deaths weren't my fault, but they are and they keep… it feels like something is pressing on my heart. This owl is lovely, yes, but she's not Hedwig. She hasn't been through my life with me. She doesn't know me. She doesn't have the same sensitive part on her neck and probably won't drink my pumpkin juice in the morning. I don't even know what to name her."
"Anything you want. But, the deaths aren't your fault and you know it. The thing that's pressing on your heat is just un necessary guilt. You are a hero. You saved millions of lives. Everyone loves you and forgives you for all your faults, which aren't that many." I hugged him closer. We were now on the couch, Kreature came in with a pot of steaming hot tea and small moist cakes that were bite size.
"How can they love me, when I can't love anyone?"
"Yes you can. You care about people. The fact that you feel guilty for the lives of people you love is a sign of that. You can love, and you do. You love the sun when it sets and the castle. And your two best friends, Ron and Hermione. You had so much love, that you defeated the darkest lord ever in the wizarding world. If you need more reassurance, go speak to Dumbledore's portrait, he'll set you right. Don't worry about it. Why don't you start by naming your new owl, hmm? It's like a new beginning."
"Do you love me?" Harry looked up at me, his eyes wide and glistening, waiting for my answer.
"Yes, I do." I smiled at him, trying to make this conversation lighter, but not knowing how.
"Thank you. I think I'll name her… Ovelia."
Along with Diagon Alley, we visited the castle, Godric's Hallow, Malfoy Manner (I never wanted to see it again, but Harry asked about it and wanted to see the gardens, how could I refuse?), and a few other places in Britain. At one point we went a park and Blaise and Hermione ate a picnic with us. They were both surprised at seeing Harry so much more alive. When we went our separate ways, they made Harry promise that we would do something like this again and he nodded enthusiastically.
On our way home, we decided to take a trolley and then a train to Hogsmead, Harry said he wanted to visit the Weasleys again. Ever since the war was over and Harry and I became friends, well more like brothers, he had been turning down dinner offers from his adopted family. He made excuses of being tired, feeling sick, or didn't want to see them from guilt. Blaise and I both tried to convince him to go. They were his first wizarding family and Ron and Hermione were his best friends and he should see them. He just said no over and over. Finally they stopped asking after two years, but Molly Weasley came to the Zabini mansion and told him,
"We'll always be here for you. You can come over whenever. We miss you." Then she walked out without letting Harry say anything.
After getting over my shock, I told him we'd let Ovelia carry the letter and went to get a quill and parchment. After much worry and hesitation, the letter was written and read,
'Dearest Weasleys,
Sorry for not doing this sooner, but I decided I really wanna have dinner with all of you sometime. I miss all of you so much. I know I see Ron and Hermione often, and I saw Ginny, Fred, and George yesterday, but I want to see all of you. I'm so so osrry for everything.
Please forgive me,
Love,
Harry Potter'
Truthfully, inside I was jumping for joy. Harry was getting better. Little by little he was comeing back to himself. I wonder if he'll think about me once hes fully recovred and has accepted the war. I'm possitive he will, considering how much time I've spent with him and hoe I've listened to all his problems and made him feel better over the years. I guess the main thing to do in the situation is just hope.
So I guess we'll be going to the Weasley's for dinner next Saturday which should be nice, and loud, and good for Harry.
Off to bed then,
Draco Malfoy.
A/N: this is a one-shot, i deliberately did not finish it because in real life, you dont know how things work out until they do and this is where Draco is in his life at this moment. If there are any questions, feel free to ask. :)