To complete this review, I incorporated the two posts I made on Television Without Pity Forums and which kinda sparked the whole reviewing thing. 8-3 is now in Chapter 2.

8-1 Still a Sucker and Watching

Okay, my thoughts :

1. Victor! Glad you're here. I hope you stay at least until next week.
2. Grams! Always a pleasant surprise to see you! Lo...tolerate the new hairstyle. Thanks for being the WASPy voice of reason again.
3. Rose! You took acting lessons over the summer! You really made something out of your material this ep. Keep up the good work!
4. Stoopid Majikal Kreaturez ! Glad you couldn't make it this premiere. Well, if you don't count the leprechauns as people. And neither Paige nor I do.
5. Buffy the Vampire Slayer! I'm so happy you're back! Uh...wait a sec. Ah. I was already wondering where the episode would start to suck. First of all, Fuck you Kern. You didn't even try to hide where you got that character from. I mean, Billie. Buffy. Come on. By the way, I'm nicknaming her The Bifi Roll because of these ridiculous backflips. And because I'm hungry right now.
6. Okay Bifi. I don't hate you. The thing is, your introduction is ...well...shitty. I mean, you're a new witch and don't know anything, right? then WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU LEARN TO BATTLE DEMONS? You've got some 'splaining to do next episode, young lady.
7. Marriage Premonition? The Cheese, it is oozing through my monitor.
8. I do like the fact Bifi's power seems to be regular TK, and it seems they did take the same sound effect, which is good.
9. It's very peculiar : The moment Paige orbs into the cinema, she actually has to squint because it's dark inside and she can't make out the demon at first. Miss Bifi Roll however wears fucking sunglasses and runs into that cinema without her needing a seeing eye dog? Is she Daredevil's dastardly daughter or what?
10. Continuity Error(?) : The glamoured Phoebe at the funeral and in the elevator/office are different actresses. So for the outside people, it's two different persons. That means Phoebe's new slampiece seems to be a mighty manslut, because he gets horny first at Phoebe, then at two of her cousins. I guess he was left out between two desk sex shifts and really really needs to fuck a Halliwell right now. Ick. Also, Elise seems to butter everyone up with Phoebe praise if they identify themselves as family.
11. Phoebe is the office slut already. Now Elise can bring back the tale she seems to have slept with a dozen midgets, too. Classy. Heh.

8-2 Dex and the Shitty

-adopts TV announcer voice-

Teshik: This is Teshik reporting for you live from the aftermath of the latest Charmed episode, Dex and the Shitty. Folks, I'm standing here right in the ruins of the dreaded Magic School, and I am currently urinating on its ashes. (zip) Ah. That felt good. So, after losing about four litres of apple juice on this one redeeming part of this episode, we'll jump right into tonights interviews: Next to me are standing Dex Lawson and Louis Bennett, one cousin's husband or whatever of the recently deceased Charmed Ones. Louis, don't you...
Louis: It's "Lou-ee". You know, like in Louis Armstrong?
Teshik:(narrows eyes) Okay. Lou-iss, don't you feel like a giant dolt for locking yourself out of the house?
Louis: Well we usually don't lock the house, so I was surprised to see the established canon changed again at such short notice...
Teshik: But couldn't you just tell your son - sorry, I mean your nephew - to orb himself into the house and open the door? I mean, he is one of the powerfullest magickal beingz eva?
Louis: Yeah, but we don't tell him what to do.
Teshik: Why? (bows down towards Wyatt) Hey there, little fella! You sure are able to open doors now at the age of almost two, aren't you?
Wyatt:STARES
Teshik: Gah!(to Louis) This tingling sensation at the back of my head and the feeling of total and utter panic, is this normal?
Louis: Oh yeah. He didn't kill you. That means he likes you.
Wyatt:STARES
Teshik: Uh huh. So, I notice the absence of your other son - nephew. Are the rumors true that you feed the poor child with pure chloroform and and lock him in your closet?
Louis: We ...don't want to talk about him. He embarrasses us. Plus, we have issues with his husband.
Teshik: I so do not want to ask. So I'll just ignore you and meet up with Dex Lawson, Julie's newest slampiece in a looooong run of boring desk sex slampieces. So Dex, don't you have anything better to do than riding an elevator for the better part of the day?
Dex: I am an artist. You seen my sculpture of a giant Shoe?
Teshik: I guess that means no. But how the fuck did you manage to land a job for the obvious nutcase you met at Phoebe's funeral?
Dex: Let's just say you meet very interesting people doing very interesting things in elevators. And Elevator-Slut Elise had to return a favor to me for not compromising her image, so I pressed her into hiring that bimbo I'm currently falling for. I mean, there's no way she would have been hired without blackmail.
Teshik: I suspected as much. Well, we now go on over to Bifi, Teenage Witch in Training, who will tell us about her college and the amazing incorporation of crystals and computers. Bifi, is it true you failed Meta-Physics not because you're dumb as bread, but because you needed to apply lip gloss for about half an hour?
Bifi: Hi! I'm Bifi! I just recently learned I have powers but I already have full control over them!
Teshik: O...kay. Perhaps you care to mention how you accomplished to hook up a scrying crystal to a computer, since that seems to take very delicate spells and potions?
Bifi: Hi! I'm Bifi! Watch me doing those ridiculous backflips that help exactly nothing. I am the Bifi Roll!
Teshik:(smile vanishes) Answer the question, dimwit, or I will hurt you.
Bifi: Hi! I'm Bifi! Look at my cheap outfit which is so not suitable for demon hunting!
Teshik:(hits her in the face with his microphone, hard) This is a last, friendly, warning.
Bifi: Hi! I'm Bifi! I tashte blood in my moush becaush Teshik jusht hit me!
Teshik: Roll the commercials. Now.

---

cut to Teshik at the Paramount backlot, standing next to McGowan, Combs, and Milano
Teshik: Hi there! As you can probably guess by the bloodstains on my outfit and the shovel in my hand, Bifi won't be around anymore. That is, if she doesn't resurrect everyday as Phoebe does. I am now standing next to the beautiful main actresses of Charmed, and I'm asking you, Ms. McGowan : Many of your viewers state your acting is the worst performance ever existed, while some of them - including myself - claim your acting actually improved since last season. What do you think?
Rose: Well I (knits her brows) think what really (twists her head) improved are the (purses her lips) storylines for Paige, and thus I'm (shrugs) much more motivated than (twitches) before.
Teshik: Ah. (to Alyssa) She takes meds now before you start shooting, yes?
Alyssa: (to Teshik) Uh huh. We slip it into her Pepsi each morning.
Teshik: So, Alyssa, I heard the internal monologues are a shameless ripoff of a series that ended over a year ago. Whose idea was it? Yours?
Alyssa: Well Teshik, I think it is a sign to that show, but it also signifies a sign towards our own signs, like slampieces and atrocious stuntcasting. Also, I am chafed, but idealism becomes a slave.
Teshik: (raises eyebrow) Uhhh...
Holly: Don't bother. She just entered her own world now.
Teshik: Okay. Holly, what do you think about Piper's bitching about her normal life even though she had a normal life this episode? Isn't this a completely stoopid subplot?
Holly: Where are you posting this?
Teshik: TWoP. Why?
Holly: Do minors visit these board?
Teshik: Occasionally, yes.
Holly: In that case, I won't comment.
Teshik: This is Teshik reporting live from the Paramount backlot after the shittiest episode of Charmed this side of season 5. Back to you, Annie.