Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Please don't sue me. I don't have any money!
Warnings: Mentions of homosexuality, religion, and neglect. Also: heavy Chekov accent - I wanted you to really "hear" him telling this story.
Author's Note: I originally wrote this for the anonymous st_xi_kink meme on LJ.
"Eet started vhen I vas seex," Chekov began, whispering - as if saying it quietly would hide his shame.
"I vas playeeng viz ze girls down ze street. Zheir mama had some leftower shirts her girls deed not need. I vas small child so she asked me if I vanted zhem," he explained. "I took zhem home. I zhought Papa vould be happy. I vas sawing us money."
"But he said, 'My son ees no fuckeeng fairy!' and he zhrew zhem eento ze fire. He deed not let me haff deenner for a veek," he added the last bit even more quietly, his voice bleeding with guilt.
Bones could not move. He could barely think. But he knew - instinctively, or maybe he'd learned it somewhere, he didn't give a shit how he knew - he just knew Chekov needed to talk this out. So he waited and listened.
"Eet vas wery slow vhile I vas groving up. Eet vas hard to see eet. I vould not chase ze girls at school - eenstead I vould eenwent games for zhem to play viz me," Chekov continued. "I vould not play ze sports vell at all. But I vould help ze boys viz zheir vork and zhey vould alvays like me for zhat. I vas wery popular boy."
He was almost smiling at the memory and Bones wanted to take a picture of it to show him later: see, you can be happy about this. You can like it. It's not wrong.
"And zhen, one day, I vas een church viz Mama and Papa and ze pastor, he vas asking ze congregation to wote against zhis beell," Chekov continued. The smile had run away again.
"Eet vas against gay marriage - eet vas steell not legal een Russia zhen. I vas ten. Vhen ve got home, Papa talked about how ze queers vould haff to be rounded up," Chekov said, and had to take a breath. Bones could barely hold his tongue. But he did - for Chekov.
"And Mama said, 'Haff you not learned from ze past?' and Papa said, 'You know I vas keeddeeng. All zhose queers een one place? Eet vould be just vhat zhey vant,'" and Chekov's voice wriggled a little there, shivered a little. Bones instinctively reached out and rubbed Chekov's shoulder. Chekov flinched and moved away.
"By ze time I vas zhirteen, I steell deed not vant a girlfriend. All I cared about vas studies. Papa eenseested I go on dates," Chekov said. His voice turned robotic, slow, still whispery.
"He set me up on one. Her house vas across ze street from ours. I played viz her as a child. Her name vas Katia," Chekov whispered even more quietly than before. "She vas wery sveet. Pretty."
"But I could not keess her goodnight. I vas on her porch. Papa vas vatching from ours and I could not do eet. I just shook her hand," Chekov admitted. He was staring at the wall now, as if that scene was playing out in front of him like a film.
"Papa asked me vhy. I told heem eet deed not feel right. He said, 'Vhy? Are you some fuckeeng pansy queer?' And vhen I deed not eemmediately tell heem I vas not, he peecked me up and took me to my room and vhipped me viz hees belt," Chekov said. His voice was strong now but still quiet.
"He hit me zhirty-seex times. I deed not get to eat for two days," Chekov said.
Bones made an oath right then and there to kill this man if he ever got the chance. With a knife. Slowly. Nobody hurt this angel of a boy in front of him - nobody.
"A veek later he sent me to ze camp. I haff not seen zhem since," Chekov said. This time his voice wavered and Bones bit his lip to stop himself from saying anything.
"I vent on bus for seex hours. Ze camp vas beautiful place. All full of boys like me," Chekov explained. He took a deep breath and added, "Gay boys."
"Zhey said zhey could feex us. I vanted to be feexed so I could go home to Mama and Papa and show zhem zhey steell had zheir beautiful leetle boy," Chekov said. He was getting a little louder and faster, as if he couldn't stop himself. "I vas stupeed."
"For veeks ve vere read Bible verses, told stories, did reenactments of punisheeng each ozzer for doeeng bad zhings or zhinking bad thoughts. Zhey piped museec eento our cabeens at night zhat kept repeateeng to us zhat ve vere straight and liked girls and zhat God vould forgiff us eef ve vanted to change," Chekov said.
"And I vanted to. So bad," he added. His lips pursed like he was holding back a cry and then he went on.
"Ewery night I prayed and prayed for forgiffness. And ewery night I waited for ze response and nozing came. But I knew eet vould - eet had to. Eet vas all I had known - you prayed and God replied. He vould just take a vhile sometimes," Chekov said and somehow kept all the spite out ot his voice. Bones was sure he was going to lose it here, would have bet it all that Chekov would start ranting that God was to blame.
But he didn't.
"So I zhought to myself zhat I had to do eet myself. Change, I mean. And I started doeeng wery vell een ze tests they had for us. I vas ze star. Eweryone looked up to me," Chekov said, eyes shining. "I zhought I vas healed.
"And zhen one of ze ozzer boys, Felix, he told me somezing. He said zhere vas zhis man een ze book of Luke and he sent people to Jesus to ask for some healeeng for a manserwant of hees. Eet seemed eennocent, I had heard eet before," Chekov explained. A smile was coming back to his face.
"And zhen Felix explained zhat ze man vas a Roman centureeon and centureeons regularly had sex viz zheir serwants, no matter ze gender. And Jesus said to heem, 'I haff not known faith like zhis exeested.' And He healed ze serwant," Chekov said, his voice creeping into awe. Then he backed off it, giving a sad little smile instead.
"I know, I know. Zhere are holes in ze argument. Meester Spock vould tell me zhem all, I am sure," Chekov admitted, looking Bones in the eye for the first time since he'd started his story. "But eet vas amazeeng. I had hope."
Bones wanted to cry at the hope in his voice. He felt so stupid and silly for feeling like this, all hearts and daisies, but...it was so real. Chekov was right here, explaining, and it was all so...so real. Things like this happened. They weren't just horror stories.
"I vas confused - but I zhought zhat perhaps I vas healed and zhat zhere vas hope for ze ozzers, for Felix. Maybe zhey vould be okay if zhey were as pure as zhat centureeon," Chekov said, looking away again. "Eef zhey could luff like zhat, zhen zhey could be...gay. But only zhen."
"But I could not zhink zhat I could be zhat vay too. I spent a lot of time een prayer. I could not feegure eet out," Chekov said. Then he smiled a little.
"So Felix and I ran avay. He had friends of hees brozzer's who vould take us een een Saint Petersburg," Chekov continued. "I ended up forging ze papers to get eento Starfleet vhen I vas fourteen because zhere vas nozing else for me to do. I had no fameely. I could not call zhem - Papa vould find me and take me back and zhen zhere vould be no getteeng avay."
"Felix...he vas not happy. He cried. I newer made eet up to heem. I vish I could. Someday," Chekov said almost absently.
Bones waited there for a while, but Chekov didn't continue. He just sat there, staring off into empty space. Tentatively, remembering what had happened last time he'd touched him without thinking, Bones put a hand to his shoulder.
This time, Chekov didn't turn away.
Wordlessly, he laid back down in the bed, the doctor's familiar arms snaking around his chest and embracing him in a tight cuddle. It had been their routine for the past two weeks ever since Chekov had asked, meekly staring at the floor, outside the room, hoping beyond hope Bones would say yes. And he had.
He couldn't resist the boy's angel eyes, no matter how much he wanted to. And Chekov had made it clear he didn't want to do anything with him - just sleep and cuddle and, tonight, talk.
Chekov was snoring lightly - he always fell asleep fast and was out like a rock - and Bones smiled. He was so beautiful. The boy deserved something better, something in response for what he had given him. It only took a few minutes for Bones to think of it, and the plan, half-formed, lived on as he slept.
The next morning, Chekov got up first, like usual. He dressed and went for the door.
"Chekov," Bones called. Chekov stopped and turned around, those damn eyes beautifully expectant.
"There's a screen message waiting in your quarters," he said.
Chekov seemed confused, but smiled anyway and nodded as he left.
Four hours later, Chekov found him peering over a chart. Chekov walked straight in, pulled the chart out of his hands, threw it across the room, stood up on tiptoe and kissed him senseless. He tasted like caramel and chocolate somehow and while the kiss was sweet and gentle it was laced with force, strength, insistent need - all those things Bones forgot a kid like Chekov could have.
"Zhank you," he whispered, smiling.
"You and Felix made up, then?" Bones asked.
Chekov nodded.
"He vants to see me next time ve are een Milky Vay. I...said yes," Chekov said.
Bones nodded and went looking for the thrown chart. When he found it, Chekov was staring at him.
"Vhy?" he asked.
You deserved it. You're beautiful. I think I might be falling for you. I want you to be happy even though we'll never be together and I feel like such a lovestruck fool for feeling like this.
"Get back to work. Your break's over by now and I don't need Kirk busting my balls," he said.
Chekov smiled lopsidedly, stuck out his tongue, and left.
Author's Note: Please review, or I'll steal Pavel's teddy bear and hold him for ransom! :-p