Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize, just the plot idea. A/N: Okay, I know that technically Merry and Pippin didn't stop at Bag End, for the sake of this story I'm going to just ask you to go with it. This is dedicated to my grandfather who introduced me to the wonder and beauty of Tolkeins truly magical world. I love you and I'll see you again one day, Haru. (Grandfather in Quenya.) Also, I want to send a major thank you to Wtiger5 for beta reading this, you're the best! This is where the healing begins, when you come to where you're broken with in, the light meets the dark.-Tenth Avenue North
Pippin always slept in Frodo's room when we stayed at Bag End. Ever since he was three years old he has made it clear that his spot was next to his 'Fro,' (the only name he could pronounce as a baby. I was Mer. I can't really blame him though, I call him Pip, I guess we just liked to use the first three letters of our name.) He would sleep in my room whenever we were anywhere else, but at Bag End he stayed with his older cousin.
His actual room was the third largest. It was painted a bright, cheerful, yellow, the same color as his own room at the Smials. He loved that room dearly, and he would tell you it was his from a young age, but he would never sleep in it. He had a four poster bed with a vivid blue blanket with little white stars embroidered one it. He would claim that it was a map of the heavens, (even though it didn't match any constellations.) He'd take that little blanket everywhere, but he'd never sleep with it. He'd rather use Frodo's green blanket.
It use to make me jealous when I was younger, I would feel unloved. I had been the one to stay in Frodo's room before Pippin was born. After he came though, I had to stay in my own room. It also upset me that Pippin didn't want to stay with me. I understand it now though, it was special. Frodo's room was special, it wasn't as big as ours, but it was special. Magical almost.
It felt incomparably safe, secure and happy. Bad dreams never invaded it's cream colored walls, and it always smelt of tea and pipe smoke. Frodo never turned either of us away, regardless of how tired he was. He always had a soft blanket, a warm hug, and a clean hankie to offer.
Tonight though everything was different, no room could keep away the bad dreams.
Sam, Pip, and myself had ridden back from the Grey Havens for the last few days, and it had been an impossibly hard journey. The actual trip itself had been easy enough, but the emotional journey was far worse. I had not ever thought that I would be losing both Frodo and Bilbo on the trip. Pippin, Sam, and I had not talked much during the journey, not even as we stopped at Bag End.
It seemed almost sacrilegious to stay here now. Frodo was gone and he wasn't coming back. He'd gone to the Grey Havens and left Middle Earth forever. He'd left us, me, forever.
My first memory was of Frodo, his name was my first word, I took my first steps towards him, he was with me when I drank my first pint, he told me how to kiss my first lass. He was always there for me, but he'd never be there again.
I sat up in the bed I had been trying to sleep in and wiped my teary filled eyes. I couldn't sleep in my room. It had green walls, but right now they just reminded me of the green water that Frodo had sailed away on. I pushed the covers off my legs and climbed out of the bed. The floor was cold against my feet but it was nothing compared to the cold of my heart. I didn't think any fire would ever warm it again.
I left my room quietly, my eyes downcast and my heart heavy. I treaded down the well worn hall towards the room I hadn't been in for years. I stopped right before I reached the door, someone else was walking towards me. I turned on the spot and lifted my eyes, looking down the dark hall to see who else was up.
It was Pippin, he was holding his little blue blanket to his chest. My heart clenched at the site of his watery eyes and I reached out for him without thought. He came to my side instantly, grabbing hold of me and letting out a loud sob as he pressed his cheek against my chest. I held him tight and let my own tears fall as he cried. We were no longer the strong knights of Gondor and Rohan, we were the broken cousin's of a Hobbit who would never again be able to comfort us.
"I miss him Mer." He whispered into the dark, his voice cracking on the words.
"I miss him too, Pip, so much." I replied in a quiet whisper, barely spoken at all.
"Are you going to his room?" He asked in a broken sob. I nodded my head, then realized he couldn't see the motion because he was pressed up against me.
"Yes," I whispered back, my own voice broken as well. I hadn't intended on going into that room until I had seen him. I needed the safety it had always given, I needed that peace. Pippin and Sam were the only two who would understand, but Sam had Rose to go to. Pippin and I only had each other.
"Can I come with you?" He sniffed, pulling back slightly so that he could look at me. I couldn't see his face clearly at all, my tears had blurred my vision to the point that I could barely make out shapes.
"Please do, Pip."
"Thanks Mer." He whispered, grabbing my hand as we turned towards the door. I pushed it open and we walked into the room together. It smelled of tea and pipe smoke, instantly bringing a thousand different memories to my mind. We took a timid step forward, our eyes on the modest bed at the end of the room. It was just as I remembered it, made up with the green blanket that Pippin had always coveted. We stepped up to it slowly, never letting go of each others hand as we climbed on to the soft mattress. Pippin scooted closer to me and I drew the covers up to his shoulder before laying down myself.
I pulled Pippin into my arms and held him as he cried, my own tears mingling with his. I held him for at least an hour before his body finally relaxed in the peaceful rest of sleep. How I envied him that simple relief. The simple peace that sleep would offer him, how it eluded me.
I closed my weary eyes and fought back another flood of tears as I replayed the scene of Frodo leaving the shores again. What had hurt me the most was that I couldn't even be mad at him. In the end he had smiled when he climbed onto the ship. The first true smile I had seen him give since our fellowship was broken up.
"Well, here at last, dear friends, on the shores of the Sea comes the end of our fellowship in Middle-earth. Go in peace! I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil."
Gandalf's words echoed in my mind and brought the tears I had been fighting crashing down my face. Broken, that's just what our fellowship was. Shattered. We'd lost the one hobbit that was holding us together, and with him I'd lost my hope that things could ever go back to how they had been. Frodo was right, in the end some wounds did cut to deep. We couldn't go back to how it had been, and now we had lost the reason we'd done it all in the first place. The reason we had risked the danger of the mission, Frodo.
Pippin stirred by my side, murmuring something before snuggling into my chest and relaxing. I turned my head towards him, barely able to see through the tears that still poured from my eyes. His face was soft in the moonlight, and I stared at it for a long time. He looked innocent still. I had feared he would lose his innocence during the mission, I truly had. Still, he had somehow managed to hold onto it, and here in this dark night, that simple fact brought me a small semblance of peace. We hadn't lost everything. We had managed to save the Shire, and we'd managed to save the rest of Middle Earth with it.
Pippin mumbled something, and then the faintest hint of a grin lifted his lips along with a barely whispered word, so quiet it was as if he had just breathed the name.
Fro.
My heart clenched at the word and I found myself marveling that he could say that name and find it in himself to smile at it sound. Hadn't he known our fellowship was broken, no, shattered? I didn't think I'd ever be able to smile again. His small hand found its way around my stomach and he gripped me in a hug as he slept, his grin growing. In that moment I realized I was so very wrong, and that Gandalf was wrong as well when he said our fellowship had come to an end.
Pippin was still here, Sam, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, they were all still here. I was still here. Our fellowship was still united, even if we were separated by miles, or lifetimes, we were still united. We were forever bound by love and loyalty. No distance or amount of time would be able to break it. If Sauron had been unable to break, or even bend, it, then why should I think that Frodo and Gandalf's leaving would? It only meant that I would have to wait to see him again. I would see him again, I would see them all again. We would be united once more, all of us, in the fellowship as we were meant to be. If darkness inescapable hadn't broken us, then time wouldn't either.
We were forever bound, and in the meantime, those of us who were left would grow stronger and closer until we could all be whole again.
I stayed up for a while longer, thinking of the older cousin I had loved. I fell asleep imagining the vivid blue eyes and the warm arms that always were ready to comfort me. They were the same things that would one day comfort me again.
Because even if some wounds went deep, our bond went far deeper.