Me: OK SO! I've wanted to make an Avenue Q fic for a while, but I've actually never seen AQ so I was gonna just do the songs with my bff's as the characters when I found this AWESOME website where it had the AQ SCRIPT! So I read that and was like. 'Hey might as well do it all right?'
Angel: Aren't you finished yet?
Me: *sighs* I captured Angel from Maximum Ride, she's a HUGE pain in my ass!
Angel: Then let me go!
Me: Can't, everyone else is taken. Anyway, this is the Cast. Most people won't know the people, but whatever...I'll put their Username if they have one.
Princeton: Jeremy
Kate/Lucy: Maddie (Me)
Rod: Lily (lilycat808)
Nicky: Ruby (rubyqueen808)
Trekkie: Jessica
Gary: Anja
Mrs. T: Lauren
Bad Idea Bears/BIB: Katheryn
Kara
Brian: Amanda
Christmas Eve/CE: Katie
ACT I
The Avenue Q Theme
ALL OF US:
-The sun is shining,
It's a lovely day,
a perfect morning
for a kid to play,
but you've got lots
of bills to pay --
what can you do?
-You work real hard
and the pay's real low
and ev'ry hour
goes oh, so slow
and at the end of the day
there's nowhere to go
but home to Avenue Q!
You live on Avenue Q!
Your friends do too.
You are twenty-two
and you live on Avenue Q!
You live on Avenue Q
You live on Avenue Q!
What Do You Do With a B.A. in English? / It Sucks to Be Me
JEREMY
What do you do with a B.A. in English?
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college
and plenty of knowledge
have earned me
this useless degree.
I can't pay the bills yet,
'cause I have no skills yet.
The world is a big
scary place...
But somehow I can't shake
the feeling I might make
a difference
to the human race!
ME
(spoken)
Morning, Brian!
BRIAN:
Hi, Kate Monster.
ME
How's life?
AMANDA
Disappointing!
ME
What's the matter?
AMANDA
The catering company laid me off.
ME
Oh, I'm sorry!
AMANDA
Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of college, and I
always thought --
ME
What?
AMANDA
No, it sounds stupid.
ME
Aww, come on!
AMANDA
(sung)
When I was little I thought I would be...
ME
What?
AMANDA
A big comedian on late night T.V.
But now I'm thirty-two and as you can see
I'm not.
ME
Nope!
AMANDA
Oh well,
it sucks to be me.
ME
Nooooo.
AMANDA
It sucks to be me.
ME
No!
AMANDA
It sucks to be broke and unemployed
and turning thirty-three.
It sucks to be me.
ME
Oh, you think your life sucks?
AMANDA
I think so.
ME
Your problems aren't so bad!
I'm kinda pretty, and pretty damn smart.
AMANDA
You are.
ME
Thanks!
I like romantic things like music and art.
And as you know I have a gigantic heart.
So why, don't I have a boyfriend?
Fuck! It sucks to be me!
AMANDA
Me too.
ME
It sucks to be me.
AMANDA
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be Brian...
ME
And Kate...
AMANDA
To not have a job!
ME
To not have a date!
ME and
It sucks to be me.
(spoken)
Hey, Rod, Nicky, can you settle something for us?
Do you have a second?
LILY
Ah, certainly.
ME
Whose life sucks more? Brian's or mine?
RUBY AND LILY
(sung)
Ours!
LILY
We live together.
RUBY
We're close as people can get.
LILY
We've been the best of buddies...
RUBY
Ever since the day we met.
LILY
So he knows lots of ways to make me really upset.
Oh, every day is an aggravation.
RUBY
Come on, that's an exaggeration!
LILY
You leave your clothes out.
You put your feet on my chair.
RUBY
Oh yeah? You do such anal things
like ironing your underwear.
LILY
You make that very small apartment we share
a hell.
RUBY
So do you.
That's why I'm in hell too!
LILY
It sucks to be me!
RUBY
No, it sucks to be me!
ME
It sucks to be me!
AMANDA
It sucks to be me!
ALL
Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be me!
KATIE
Why you all so happy?
RUBY
Because our lives suck!
KATIE
Your lives suck?
I hearing you correctly? Ha!
I coming to this country for opportunities.
Tried to work in Korean deli,
but I am Japanese.
But with hard work I earn two Master's Degrees
in social work!
And now I a therapist!
But I have no clients!
(smacking Brian)
And I have an
unemployed fiancé!
And we have lots
of bills to pay!
It suck to be me!
It suck to be me!
I say it
Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
suck!
It suck to be me.
JEREMY
(spoken)
Excuse me?
AMANDA
Hey there.
JEREMY
Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a place to live.
KATIE
Why you looking all the way out here?
JEREMY
Well, I started at Avenue A, but so far everything is out
of my price range. But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper!
Oh, and look -- a "For Rent" sign!
AMANDA
You need to talk to the superintendent. Let me get him.
JEREMY
Great, thanks!
AMANDA
Yo, GARY!
ANJA
I'm comin'! I'm comin'!
JEREMY
Oh my God! It's Gary Coleman!
ANJA
Yes I am!
(sung)
I'm Gary Coleman
from TV's Diff'rent Strokes
I made a lotta money
that got stolen by my folks!
Now I'm broke and
I'm the butt of everyone's jokes,
but I'm here --
the superintendent!
On Avenue Q --
ALL BUT GARY
It sucks to be you.
ME
You win!
ALL BUT GARY
It sucks to be you.
AMANDA
I feel better now!
ANJA
Try having people stopping you to ask you
"What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
It gets old.
ALL
It sucks to be you.
On Avenue Q.
(sucks to be me)
On Avenue Q.
(sucks to be you)
On Avenue Q.
(sucks to be us)
But not when
we're together.
We're together
here on Avenue Q!
We live on Avenue Q!
Our friends do too!
'Til our dreams come true,
we live on Avenue Q!
JEREMY
This is real life!
ALL
We live on Avenue Q!
RUBY
You're gonna love it.
ALL
We live on Avenue Q!
ANJA
Here's your keys!
ALL
Welcome to Avenue Q!
SCENE 1
AMANDA
So... What's your name?
JEREMY
I'm Princeton.
AMANDA
Hey! Buddy! I'm Brian, and this is my fiancé...
KATIE
My name Christmas Eve. You so cute... very handsome... you single?
JEREMY
Yeah!
KATIE
Because she single...
ME
OH! Christmas Eve!
AMANDA
That's Kate Monster. She lives in our building
JEREMY
Oh! Hi!
ME
Hi!
(Trekkie monster/Jessica throws a garbage bag out of his window).
ANJA
Trekkie!
JESSICA
Ooooh!
AMANDA
Morning, Trekkie!
JESSICA
Oh!, me no time to talk. Me busy... (He closes the window)
JEREMY
And that's Trekkie Monster
KATIE
He a pervert. You no spending time with him
ANJA
Come on inside, kiddo! I'll show you the place
JEREMY
Oh! Great!
ANJA
We have many distinguished people on their best interest in this one, I trust?
JEREMY
No kidding!
ANJA
Mmmmm...!!!
(Princeton and Gary leave.)
KATIE
So, what you think, Kate Monster? He cute, right?
ME
Yeah!
KATIE
Ha, ha,ha... You go get him. A man responds to an aggressive woman. (To Brian) You! Go get job!
AMANDA
Ok, I'm going! (He leaves)
KATIE
See?
(They leave).
If You Were Gay
(Rod and Nicky's apartment.)
LILY
(spoken)
Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "Broadway Musicals of the 1940s."
No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this?
RUBY
Oh, hi Rod!
LILY
Hi Nicky.
RUBY
Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning.
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me --
LILY
That's very interesting.
RUBY
He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me.
I think he might've thought I was gay!
LILY
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care?
I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?
RUBY
Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod...
LILY
I'm NOT getting defensive! What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?
I'm trying to read.
RUBY
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod.
I just think it's something we should be able to talk about.
LILY
I don't want to talk about it, Nicky! This conversation is over!!!
LILY
Yeah, but...
LILY
Over!!!
RUBY
Well, okay, but just so you know --
(sung)
-If you were gay
that'd be okay.
I mean 'cause, hey,
I'd like you anyway.
-Because you see,
if it were me,
I would feel free
to say that I was gay
but I'm not gay.
LILY
Nicky, please! I am trying to read...
(NICKY stares at ROD)
What?!
RUBY
-If you were queer
(LILY Ugh Nicky)
I'd still be here,
(LILY Nicky, I'm trying to read this book)
year after year
because you're dear
to me.
And I know that you
(LILY What?)
would accept me too,
(LILY I would?!)
if I told you today
"Hey! Guess what,
I'm gay!"
But I'm not gay.
-I'm happy
just being with you.
So what should it
matter to me
what you do in bed
with guys?
LILY
Nicky, that's GROSS!
RUBY
No, it's not!
If you were gay
I'd shout hooray!
And here I'd stay,
But I wouldn't get
in your way.
You can count on me
to always be
beside you every day,
to tell you it's okay,
you were just born
that way,
and, as they say,
it's in your DNA,
you're gay!
LILY
But I'm not gay!
RUBY
If you WERE gay.
LILY
Argh!
(They leave arguing.)
So that's the first chapter! Yeah....well.....bye.....