AN: Do NOT ask me why I wrote this. I won't be able to answer! Well, enjoy!
*Mr. Wonderful plays*
Me: *Walks in and dances around* Hello everyone! Vampires, fan girls, vampeneze, Little People, and everyone else I don't feel like mentioning at the moment!
Audience: *Cheers*
Me: Now, some of you know why you're here, and others don't…
Audience: *Looks around at each other and whispers*
(Males from Cirque du Freak fall from the ceiling)
Audience: *Scream collectively*
Larten: What…
Darren: The…
Kurda: Hell…
Tiny: I'll murder you all!
Vancha: You! Girl! You got any wine?
Me: No.
Harkat: Aren't you…already…drunk?
Vancha: Your point?
Me: Anyway! *Looks sharply at Vancha* Do you guys know why you're here?
Steve: Well you refused to tell us so-
Me: Shut up you son of a bitch!
Steve: e_O
Steve fan girl: Hey, don't talk to him like that!
Me: *Presses button which makes flying turtles come and attack them*
Steve: Fine. I'll shut up.
Steve fan girl: *nods fearfully*
Me: Okay, pack to the somewhat point. We're here today to decide who here is REALLY Mr. Wonderful. Unfortunately, the plot bunnies made me include almost ALL of the male characters….*glares at plot bunnies*
Plot bunnies: *Glare back*
Larten: …is 'Mr. Wonderful' code speak?
Darren: I think it's a song or something.
Me: *Looks horrified* You've never even heard the song before?
Darren: Nope.
Larten: Never.
Me: …
A minute or two later.
(Darren and Larten have oversized, personally designed by me headphones on. Larten is, for some reason, shirtless.)
Me: So, to help and assist me, I have my friend Kenzie with me! Everyone give a round for her!
Audience: *A few clap*
Me: *Prepares to press the turtle button*
Audience: *Claps*
Me: Thanks!
Kenzie: *Runs on stage and glomps Larten. Doesn't let go.*
Me: Okay, well, she's really only here because I told her Larten was gonna come.
Kenzie: *nods* It's true.
Larten: Get off of me.
Me: Now, I know what you're thinking.
Mr. Tall: That you're awfully short?
Me: Shut it.
Mr. Tall fan girl: *Growls psychotically*
Me: I was thinking that you're wondering about how I'm going to decide the winner. Well, I don't really know, to be honest.
Darren: Wait, you don't have any idea what's going to happen?
Me: No, but I do have candy!
Darren: …
Evra: Can I have some?
Me: Okay!
Evra fan girl: Get away from him, bitch!
Me: Toooouchy. Yeesh.
Evra fan girl: *Growls*
Me: *Growls back*
Sam: *eats pickled onions*
His fan girls (How did he even get fan girls?): Sam! Look over here!
Me: Hey, stop it! Back to the show!
Sam: *Shrugs*
Me: So first, for no reason, I want you all in bathing suits! Except for you, Tiny!
Tiny: *Frowns*
Me: No stripping, either.
Tiny: Damn, you figured out my plan!
Me: …I'ma pretend I didn't just hear that…
Kenzie: Can I help Larten change?
Me: Fine. This IS FanFiction after all.
Kenzie: Yay! *Drags Larten off*
Larten fan girl: How DARE she? *Starts to get up*
Me: *Begins to push turtle button*
Larten fan girl: *Sits back down*
Twenty minutes later.
Me: Guys, what took so long?
Murlough: We uh, couldn't find the bathing suits. *Shuffles to cover carnage*
Me: *Shakes head* Murlough, did you maim another pop star?
Murlough: She was irritating me.
Me: Who was it this time?
Murlough: That Bieber girl.
Me: *Bursts out laughing*
Bieber's fan girls: Hey!
Me: WHO LET THEM IN? (Presses new button which releases radioactive turtles with rabies)
Larten: That was a bit drastic.
Kenzie: *Points at Larten in delight* Lookit, he's so sexy!
Larten: What is the point in this?
Me: To cause all the fan girls inner joy.
Kurda and Darren: *Walk out*
Me: *Fangirl squeals* I loooove you guys!
Kenzie: *Smacks me in the back of the head* Back to the story!
Me: Okay, okay!
Harkat: *Walks out*
Me: Hey, Harkat.
Harkat: What is…WRONG…with you?
Me: Candy+Me=hyper.
Harkat: Crazy…writer.
(After everyone comes out and the fan girls have had their eyefills)
Me: Okay, now I wanna handcuff you guys together like yaoi couples. The audience will decide who gets linked to who.
Vancha: Men aren't really my style, but okay.
Larten: You are sick. You are a sick, red, man.
Me: Indeed.
Gavner: Why do my trunks have pink elephants on them?
Me: Wow, that was random.
Darren: I'm with her, that WAS pretty random.
Tiny: Die! Die all of you!
Darren: As was that.
Me: SHUT UP AND DIE ALREADY TINY!
Tiny's fan girl: *Looks shocked*
Me: *Pushes turtle button*
Tiny: Where did you even GET those?
Me: I found 'em under Darren's bed last night.
Darren: What?
Me: Exactly. Anyway, *Picks a guy who happens to be Seba Nile*
Larten: Why are you in the audience?
Seba: They wanted me to be special.
Larten: I think they got you gender confused.
Seba: Hibernius and Larten.
Larten: Evil man.
Seba: Thanks. I appreciate it.
Kenzie: *Handcuffs them*
Me: Next….you.
Random girl: Mr. Tiny and Darren.
Darren: WHAT?
Tiny: *Blinks*
Kenzie: *Handcuffs them together*
Darren: *Screams*
Me: Hmmm…you.
Random punk guy: Evra and Murlough.
Me: Ooooh, good one!
Evra: *Starts crying*
Murlough: *Giggles insanely*
Me: Ummm…you.
Random goth chick: Kurda and Gavner.
Me: Predictable.
Kenzie: *Handcuffs them anyway*
(About ten minutes later we're done. Everyone is either screaming, crying, or reluctant.)
Me: Well, people, my work here is temporarily done. *Leaves*
Kurda: Wait! Aren't you going to let us out!
Me: …later…I guess…
Kurda: But-
Me: Bye!