New Sun
Chapter 1: Birthday Sex
It hadn't been long after the prom when I had gotten fat once again. Edward would surely make me have liposuction.
He's so sweet, he's actually started a collection of my fat.
Today is my birthday and they (as in the Cullens) just had to throw me a god damn party. I fucking hated it. [Here's a math equation to show you why I hate them.]
Me + Birthday = Party x Cullens = fun + presents = happiness (happy + party + boyfriend) = sex x fun^10 = too much enjoyment therefore *sadface*.
God, Math is easy. Well, anyway it's my birthday and the Cullens decided to throw me a party.
Edward and I stumbled into the house, he removed my jacket and hooked it on the coat rack for me.
Coffins, black and bloody lay across the room. There were people's heads mounted on the walls, some with blood dried all over their face. Bones and full skeletons chained and lie in puddles of blood on the stone floor, the windowless walls were splattered with guts and flesh.
"Oh Edward. Did you clean up just for me? It's much more relaxing and homey than the last time I was here."
"Yes, Bella, dearest."
"Damn right."
I opened all my presents.
-Condoms
-Birth Control
-Glow in the dark vibrator
-thong
-a coupon to 'Big Eddy's Liposuction and clothing'
My last gift cut the tip of my finger. A 1/100000 of a drop of blood appeared. Only the Cullens could see, but I still flew back, screaming bloody murder.
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH MY FINGER, HOLY SHIT! I'M GONNA DIE, SOMEBODY FUCKING HELP ME!"
Jasper leaped from his coffin in a gay like manner and started to lick my finger, as if he were licking Alice's woman dick.
Edward pulled him off and attempted to carry me, but I was too fat.
Carlisle wrapped my arm in a cast and Edward took me home.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*END~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~