WARNING: There is a short part where Jim and Bones have sex. That's why this is rated 'M' (well that and my use of the word 'fuck'). It's a short part, but it is there. I hate when people say "if you don't like it, don't read it", but sometimes it's necessary. I have warned you, please don't flame about it.
Also, character death.
Better to have hurt and screamed and cried, fallen to the earth for a trip to the sky. Better to have loved, you.
When you first met James Tiberius Kirk, he was a bit of an enigma to you. Well, no, that's not true. When you first met him you were trying not to throw up on him, but ever since the two of you landed in California, you've been trying to figure him out. One minute he'll be acting like some cocky kid and the next he'll do or say something that makes you think he's far wiser, not smarter, because you know the kid's a genius, but wiser, like he's older than you know he is, like he's been through way too fucking much in his life that's made him grow up quicker than he had to.
He intrigues you, that's for sure. You're even slightly attracted to him, but you just got out of a horrible marriage with a woman who broke your heart and took everything you own, including your daughter, so you push down any feelings you may have and ignore them. Tennyson once said: ''Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all', but he had never met your ex-wife and no way were you going to set yourself up for that again.
You're made roommates and you couldn't be more relieved that you've been stuck with someone that you can actually stand.
"So, it's just you and me," he winks at you and you roll your eyes at him. This is going to be a long few years.
~*~
He quickly gains a reputation around campus for his promiscuity and he seems happy about the way people perceive him. He certainly brags about it enough. So when he comes home night after night with a different girl each time, you're not surprised. You just quietly excuse yourself, usually going to the hospital or the library, for a few hours so he can have the chance to finish his business and you tell yourself you're fine with it.
So the night that he comes home with a tall man with dark brown hair and gorgeous hazel eyes, you take your leave as usual and tell yourself it's not jealousy that you're feeling. You make yourself say 'you're welcome' when he thanks you and you quickly make your exit and head for the nearest bar.
~*~
The first time you sleep with Jim, it's his birthday and he's convinced you to get shitfaced with him. It's messy and uncoordinated and when it's over he mumbles a 'love you' before falling asleep.
You're thankful the next morning when he only vaguely remembers your drunken escapades from the previous night.
~*~
The second time he takes the Kobayashi Maru and fails he's almost unbearable to be around, but since you have no choice you try to make the best of it. He's pouring over books and muttering to himself and you almost think it's cute.
"Fuck," he says after awhile, and throws his pencil across the room.
"Why is this so important to you?" You ask him. "No one passes it, so what's the big deal?"
"My whole life has been filled with me not getting what I want," he says, and if you didn't know better you'd think there was another meaning to the way he was looking at you. "I want to pass this and for once in my life I'd like to actually get what I want."
"Sometimes the things you want are just too impossible to get," you tell him.
"We'll see," he says and sticks his nose back into the book.
~*~
You've known him now for three years by the second time you sleep together it's just after he'd been officially promoted to captain of the Enterprise. You both went back to the room you shared together, the room that wont be yours anymore in a couple of days, to celebrate. He's got the reason for celebration and you've got the booze. You're not quite sure how toasting to the future turned into kissing, or how kissing turned into the two of you naked on the bed, but this is where you found yourself. He's on his hands an knees in front of you as you thrust into him from behind, gripping his hips with such force that you're sure they're forming bruises, but you don't care as you continue thrusting, harder still, into him, because, fuck does it feel good.
You hear him start to breathing out "Oh God" and "Bones" over and over and you know this is a bad idea, but it's too late to stop now. Soon he's coming and with a few more measured thrusts, you are, too. You pull out of him quickly after you've finished and he collapses to the bed. He rolls over and looks at you with a goofy grin and you can't help but think he's adorable.
"Bones," he whispers, his eyelids fluttering closed as he tries to stay awake. You're about to lean forward when his next words stop you in your tracks. "I love you, Bones."
"Jim," you say, inching away from him on the bed. He just told you he loves you and you're not sure if he means it, or if it's just something he says during post-coital bliss. You knew this was a mistake, sleeping with him, because you know you can't get attached to him. You've been too badly burned to take this chance again. You move completely off the bed and his eyes are now open and he's staring at you. "This can't happen again."
You look around the room for your scattered clothing as you try and pretend that you didn't see the hurt in his eyes. You imagined it, you tell yourself, because it's not like he was serious when he said it. You get dressed quickly and leave, deciding to crash in a friends room for the night.
When you go back to the room the following day he's not there and you let out a sigh of relief. You have to right things with him, because you refuse to lose your best friend over this, but you're glad that you're able to put off the awkward conversation for a little while longer. You have nothing to do all day, so you stay in and wait for him to come home, because no matter how reluctant you are, you know this has to be done. But he doesn't come home all day and the guilt builds up in you, because you know deep down that he meant what he said last night, but you're too cowardice to tell him how you feel.
It's well into the night and you're half asleep when you hear the door bang open and he stumbles drunkenly into the room. You sit up and are about to say something when you notice the blood all over his face and the bruises that are forming. You shoot up and go to him, grabbing onto his arm and helping him away from the wall that he had just been using to hold himself up. You lead him to the bed and help him to sit down.
You don't ask what happened, because you already know, and you know that you're the reason for whatever drunken brawl he got himself into tonight. He doesn't protest like he usually does as you clean his blood and patch up his wounds and you know this is his way of forgiving you. Him letting you be so close to him tells you that things are going to be okay.
You almost apologize to him, almost tell him how sorry you are that you led him on, as you help him get his shoes off and settle him into bed, but he doesn't ask for one, so you don't give it.
~*~
It's 13 months into the mission when you get the message that your ex-wife is getting remarried and she's moving her and Joanna to someplace out in the middle of fucking nowhere (which, really shouldn't matter since you're who the fuck knows where in the universe) to live happily fucking ever after and before the transmission even ends, he's right there with a bottle of Romulan Ale and a sad smile on his face. You quirk your eyebrow at him and he shrugs before leading you away from the screen and pouring you both a glass.
You thank him and he shrugs you off, saying 'that's what friends are for' and you ignore the way his eyes linger on you for too long and his hands brush yours more than necessary.
~*~
"So, what's with you and the captain?" Scotty asks one day when he's in sickbay getting his hand wrapped after smashing it doing who knows what down in engineering.
"Hmm? What are you talking about?" You ask.
"Well, you're together, aren't ya?" He says as though it's obvious.
"What? No," you say and try to pretend your heartbeat hasn't just increased.
"Oh, you're always together and the way ya look at each other, I just thought..." he trails off his explanation.
"There's nothing between me and Jim," you tell him and vaguely wonder who else on the ship has the same ideas.
"That's too bad," Scotty says before hopping off the table. "Thanks for the fix up, Doc." You watch him walk out of the room. He never asks about it again, but you definitely notice him watching you a lot closer from then on.
~*~
It's not an uncommon occurrence for him to come back from a mission a little bruised and bloodied, but it's not every time that he comes back, cradled in Spock's arms, looking like he's been hit by a mac truck. Twice. He's got more broken and fractured bones then you care to tally as you set about mending them. There's bruises and lacerations covering most of his body and he's got one hell of a concussion. Despite how bad he looked, still looks, he'll be alright, but there was a moment when you saw Spock carrying him in that you thought that he might actually not make it this time.
~*~
In your six years of friendship with him, you've never once seen him cry, so when you walk into his room and he's sitting there crying, you find yourself wanting to go sit down next to him and kiss his tears away. You don't, because you don't want to complicate things with him, so you just sit next to him and wait for him to do or say something. You don't know how much time passes, but eventually you're both laid back on the bed. His tears have stopped, but he's still sniffling when he finally speaks up.
"I just got word that my mom died," he says and your heart breaks a little for him. He's told you stories about his mother being the most important thing in his life growing up.
"Oh God, I'm sorry, Jim," you say. You know it's not enough, but you say it anyway. He nods slightly before moving closer to you and lays his head on your chest. "What happened?"
"Just some stupid fucking car accident," Jim says with a laugh that doesn't have a hint of humor in it. "She was on shore leave and spent it in Iowa. She travels the universe and she died in a fucking car accident."
"I'm sorry," you whisper into his ear.
"Yeah," is all he says. He burrows his head further into your chest and you let him. You bring your arms around him and hold him tight, kissing the top of his head. He wraps his arms around you and is still sniffling when he finally drifts to sleep.
~*~
You've known for awhile that you're as much in love with him as he is with you, but he hasn't tried to tell you since before you left the Academy and you're certainly not going to complicate things with him. So you just enjoy the time you spend with him and hope that it's enough for both of you.
~*~
You're in sickbay the first time the ship is rattled so badly that you almost lose your balance. You take off as fast as you can for the bridge to see what's going on. There's chaos all around you, people running back and forth, some doing their jobs, some panicking, not knowing what to do. Some people hurt from falling upon the impact and from explosions, but you ignore them all as you make your way to Jim.
"What's going on?" You ask as you enter the bridge.
"We're being attacked," he says looking at you and you're amazed at the way he remains calm. "Shields and weapons are down. They knew exactly where to hit us."
"Captain," Spock says and you turn your focus to him when Jim's eyes leave yours. "We will not be able to sustain another hit."
"I know, I know," Jim says and starts pacing the bridge. "So we have to fire at them, preferably blow them up, without being able to fire at them."
"Precisely," Spock answers.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He asks, looking directly at Spock.
"I believe so, Captain, and though I admit I cannot come up with a better plan, the outcome to this is most undesirable."
"Yeah, I agree. Do we have anything that'll do that kind of damage?" He asks and you have no idea what they're talking about.
"We do, Captain, but it has to be detonated by hand." Oh.
You zone out as the specifics of the plan are laid out, but you get the gist of it; Jim, in all his hero complex glory, is going to sacrifice himself to save the ship. There was argument over this, about who would go, that surely the captain shouldn't, but he insists. He's going to go because he's got nothing to lose. You try and slow your heart before it beats out of your chest. A million things are running through your head, but you find yourself unable to voice any of them. You're brought back from your thoughts by someone's hand on your shoulder.
"Doctor?" Spock asks you and you whip your head around to look at him. It's then that you notice that Jim's not on the bridge anymore.
"Jim?" You ask, even though you know it's unnecessary. The sad looks around you are enough of an answer. "Fuck," you mutter before racing off the bridge.
When you get to the transporter room you see him, the device clearly being carried in the bag slung on his back, and apparently setting the controls to beam him to the other ship as soon as he's standing in the right spot.
"What the fuck are you doing, Jim?" You demand and it's harsher than you had intended.
"I'm saving my ship, Bones," he says and he's got that goddamn smile on his face that you just want to smack off.
"And you didn't think it would be a good idea to, I don't know, ask me what I thought? Or fuck, I don't know, to say goodbye?! Goddamn it, Jim!" You're bordering on hysterical now, but you don't care. You have no idea how such a normal day has turned so fucking crazy so fast.
"I thought it would be easier. Easier for me, anyway, to not have to say goodbye to you."
"Goddamn it, Jim," you say, walking over to him.
"Stop," he says, holding his hand up as if to halt your movement. You waver for a minute only to move forward and intertwine your fingers with his.
"Jim, you don't have to do this." You're whispering now, hardly believing what's going on. "We can find another way."
"I am all ears, Bones," he says. "Give me another option here."
"Then let me do it," you say, desperately. He's about to sacrifice his life, end everything, just like that, before you ever had the chance to be something together and it's breaking you apart inside. "Let me do it. It only has to be one person. Let me be the person. This ship needs it's Captain."
"Bones, when this is over, there are going to be a lot of hurt people, and they're going to need the best doctor there is. They're going to need you. Spock will take over command," he reasons with you and you grip his hand tighter. "Just make sure you don't let him be too logical all the time, alright?" Your heart skips a beat when you see a single tear roll down his face.
"I can't..." you start, trying to form a coherent sentence together. "I don't want you to do this."
"Oh, Bones," he says, and his eyes are sad. He reaches up his other hand to your face and wipes away a tear that you didn't know was falling. "It'll be alright, you'll see." And you know that he truly believes that it will be. That your life will be absolutely fine without him in it. Your heart does that breaking thing again.
"Jim..."
"Guess I was destined for this, huh, Bones?" He says with a small, strangled laugh. "Going out the same way my father did. At least I'm not leaving anyone behind, right?"
"You're leaving me behind," you hear yourself say and he cups your face, wiping away another tear with his thumb.
"You'll find another best friend, Bones. They won't be as amazing as me, obviously, but you'll move on."
"I don't want to move on, you idiot!" You practically yell, and you want to punch him right now for his stupidity, but instead you act on instinct and pull him as close as possible and kiss him. It's not a soft kiss, no, because this kiss has to convince him what he means to you. Convince him that you can't live without him. So you kiss him hard, and he kisses you back, but you always knew he would. You've always known how he's felt about you, but you've always been too afraid to tell him that you reciprocate his feelings. He finally breaks away from you.
"Bones..." he starts, pushing a stray hair out of your face.
"Jim, I love you," you say, cutting him off. Jim just smiles sadly at you before taking his hand out of yours and stepping back a few paces into the transporter.
"No, you don't," he says, another tear falling down his face. "But thanks for saying it."
You watch as he steps backward beams himself off the ship and disappears in front of your eyes and your heart doesn't just break, it stops. You don't know how long you're standing there before you hear the sound of the other ship exploding and you know that it's done. That he's done what he set out to do. That he's gone. Your vision starts to spin and your knees buckle and you would have fallen if it wasn't for the strong arms holding you up. You turn slightly and notice that it's Spock.
"I never told him," you say. "All these years I've loved him, but I never let him know because I thought it would hurt too much if something happened and I didn't want to go through that again." Spock doesn't say anything, just supports your weight as you talk and you're thankful for it. I guess the saying is true, you think to yourself. ''Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all'."
Finally you wipe away your tears and move away from Spock. You've both had your moment of mourning, but there's work to be done.
Jim gave his life to save his ship, and you'll be damned if anyone else is going to die today.
Better to have loved, than never loved at all,
Better to have dreamed, than never taken the fall,
Better to have held you and let you in,
Than never to have touched your skin.
Better to have loved, you.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Star Trek. The song lyrics are from a song called "Better To Have Loved" by Idina Menzel.