I decided to make fun of the game that everyone likes to make fun of. Let's see if I can do better. :D

Chapter 1: Don't shoot birds while drinking juice in the hood.

Aryll stood on the front porch of her beachfront house scanning the horizon for her older brother Link. Today was his birthday and it would get very ugly if he didn't immediately show up to put on his special costume.

"HOY!" shouted Aryll. Hoy was Hylian for "Hey-Big-Brother-Gramma-wants-you-to-come-inside-so-get-your-lazy-butt-out-of-bed-or-you'll-be-the-special-soup-she-makes-tonight."

But after receiving no reply, Aryll decided that Link would either be in the watch tower where she had left him the previous night, or up in the woods. She prayed it was the former as she jogged across the dock and began to climb the ladder. At first, she saw no one there, until she recognized the crawfish design on Link's blue shirt which made him blend in with the oceanic background.

"There you are!" shouted Aryll, as if no one knew that by now.

Link, awoken by the shouting, immediately jumped into a fighting stance. He had been dreaming about some ominous voice telling him the story of some guy called the hero of time who saved everyone and then ditched them for no reason and then saw the big bad pig about to blow his house in, but then it said "THERE YOU ARE!" and that was when he woke up.

Link jumped awake before Judo chopping his sister off the watch tower.

"Oh...my bad." said Link.

"JUST FOR THAT, I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY AND MAKE YOU CHASE AFTER ME, ONLY TO GET PWN3D BY A BIG BIRD WHEN YOU FIND ME IN A BIG FORTRESS!" screamed Aryll.

"Yeah right." replied Link as he climbed down the ladder and began walking toward the forest upstairs.

"Hey Link, your gramma wants to see you." said Mesa while pretending to cut his grass.

"Okay, thanks for telling me." said Link, running off to his house.

"I HATE YOU!" shrieked Aryll.

Link was 10 feet away from his house when his path was blocked by source less text.

"Hey Link. Up here!" it read.

"WTF?" said Link in cornfusion.

"I'M UP HERE, YOU DUNCE!- I mean...ho ho ho." said Sturgeon.

"OMIGAWD, IT'S SANTA!" screeched Link, seeing the toothpick with a beard standing on a balcony that only he could get to.

"Err...yeah, what would you like for christmas, little sex toy- I mean boy?" asked the old man.

"I've always wanted a sword." said Link gleefully.

"BWA HA HA HA!" Laughed Sturgeon, his rotten teeth exposed. "Like that's ever going to happen. I seriously doubt you'll ever need one."

"Whatever." said Link as he ran toward his house and went inside.

"Link, this is the day you become a man." said Link's Gramma.

"But I'm only 7." replied Link.

"Well that's the age that the hero was when he saved Hyrule. Therefore, that's the age of adulthood on this island." said Gramma.

"Pre-teen fathers. No wonder this world is screwed up." shuddered Link. "And wasn't the hero 17 when he saved the world?"

"Just put the damn tunic on." said Gramma.

"Uhh...what tunic?" asked Link, seeing nothing there.

"The one I'm holding in me arms." said Gramma with a weird look in her eyes.

"Err...okay." said Link, putting on a costume that wasn't there.

"You got the invisible tunic. Congratulations, loser. :(" read that same ominous text. :O

DUH DUH DUUUUM

After that, Link crashed through the door, splintering it into a million microscopic pieces before racing back to the watch tower where his sister was waiting.

"Big Brother, close your eyes, I'm going to give you my most treasured possession." she said.

"EW. I don't wanna know what that is!" shouted Link, covering his eyes.

"It's my telescope, idiot." said Aryll angrily.

"Cool, gimme that." said Link grabbing the telescope and looking at the postman who appeared out of nowhere.

"Link, up there, in the sky!" shouted Aryll.

Link pointed the telescope upward to see a huge ass bird flying over the island.

"Crap, it's those damn Sea Hawks again. If only this thing was a scope instead of a telescope...a scope with a big rocket launcher that shot out homing missiles. That would be AWESOME!" said Link.

He spoke too soon as a puff of smoke hissed out of the back of the telescope and a smoking projectile shot out of the front and followed the bird until it hit square in the face, causing it to drop the under age girl it was holding.

"AWESOME!" said Link.

"No, it's terrible, we have to help her." squealed Aryll. "Go get something to defend yourself with...and don't ask how I know you'll need it later."

Link pondered that. "Yeah, but where would I get a sword?"

Zill and Joel looked at each other before announcing the answer in unison: ORCA!

"Why not just pull a conveniently placed one out of a stone in the forest or something? Why do I need to see a creepy old guy in his underwear to do it?" asked Link.

Unfortunately, Zill heard him and began to dance toward him singing.

"BecauseBecauseBecauseBecause, Because of the wonderful things he does! You're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful wizard of AAAAAHHHHH!" He was interrupted by Link punting him into the atmosphere.

Mesa, Abe, Joel, and Aryll gasped and looked up into the sky, where Zill disappeared screaming. They all looked at Link in horror.

"He'll be back eventually." reasoned Link. He then ran up to Orca's house and cautiously made his way in...

You'd better review or I'm not updating. DX