Title: Dreaming With A Broken Heart
Rating: T
Pairing: M/M
Summary: She knew it wouldn't be easy, seeing him. But she didn't expect her heart to fall apart into million pieces when she saw his eyes, heard his voice, and felt his touch. Being a princess was actually the easier thing to do.
Status: One-shot. Complete
Disclaimer: Lyrics belong to stunning John Mayer, "Dreaming With A Broken Heart" from "Continuum" album. Characters belong to Meg Cabot.
Author notes: It's really, really, really big angst. Basically made because of my bad mood and an urgent need to figure something out with it. AU of PD10, you'll see. R&R, please!
Huge thanks for Amory for betareading. You are the best!
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When she heard that he was back, and had been in New York for weeks already, she felt only weakness in her knees. Like she was going to faint, but being fully conscious. It couldn't have been any worse. He gave her every good reason to think that after two years, he would never ever come back. The mistake she made was believing him. She believed that his love for her, like, exceeded. That his feelings no longer existed, because of their fight, because of the time, because he had better things to do. Saving the world, for example. He made her believe in that.
"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part.
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe."
After crying herself out every April night, she couldn't take it any longer, and she desperately decided to move on. Right before the prom, she settled that JP was to be the love of her life. Sooner or later, she would make herself love him back. Someday soon. But hey, she spent last two years thinking she actually was in love with him. Madly. And why not keep that assumption for a little longer? Until death do they part, or until she finds someone else, or until…she was able to do that a little longer. Very little, but still enough to make the biggest mistake of her life.
"Wondering was she really here,
Is she standing in my room?"
JP never knew that she hesitated about her feelings. All the time she assured him everything was all right, she affirmed that she loved him. He couldn't figure out that she was lying. He never even tried to. He was good with what he had. Great, actually. So going to the prom together and sharing the following night was completely natural to him. He felt so comfortable with it, that it made her believe it could be perfect. They could be perfect, and that night could be perfect.
In fact, it was more than far from perfect. It wasn't like he did her any harm, or, in any way, made her do this. She gave up on him completely. He could've made with her anything he wanted. Yet he was caring, sensitive and he was a gentleman. And that was what drove her crazy. His every move reminded her of him and how it could be with him. Even if they didn't do it, she could easily imagine it would've been the same way, but it would've felt right. Actually, imagining it was Michael, made her do that and made it felt better than it should've. And maybe, maybe, if it had been less perfect itself, it would've been JP's name that she gasped. But it wasn't.
"No, she's not.
Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone."
She was going to hate herself for what she did. No, not for this not-saying-the-right-name-of-her-actual-boyfriend part. All of that. Because she knew, back then, it had hit her hard; that JP wasn't the one. It had come to her clearly, that he was only some sort of painkiller that she desperately wanted to be her cure. And that they spent that night together only because she couldn't make the choice she should've made. She thought she had enough problems and miseries to try to deal with them.
And at this exact moment he dared to come back?! Or, actually, reveal to her he came back, which was even worse. But the worst part was that they were going to meet. When he asked for that, she agreed with no hesitation. So right now, Mia was sitting in a small café waiting for him to come. The him she didn't want to meet. It was too painful when she saw him heading for the table in white shirt and black, jean-like trousers. He smiled, never less perfect, when he saw her. As an answer, she gave him a broken smile and stood up. His view made her regret what she had done even more. But the worst was yet to come. She decided to shake his hand to greet him. For him it wasn't enough.
"I think we can do better than that, can't we?" he asked, though the answer was obvious to him.
"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part.
She takes you in with her crying eyes,
Then all at once you have to say goodbye."
"No, we can't." She said not looking him in the eye. She thought she couldn't have stood feeling of his warmth while hugging, when even looking at him was hard to stand. Quite impossible. She could feel that the answer given made him lose his confidence. They sat in silence not knowing where to start and what to say. She knew what she should say him, but had no idea how to do that.
"Why didn't you tell me you came back?" She could hardly fight the tears. She couldn't, actually. And she knew he saw tears in her eyes. But wasn't sure if he was going to do something about it. He let her know, when she felt his hand on hers.
"What happened, Mia?" He asked calmly. "What's going on?" She broke the physical contact between them.
"I can't, I'm sorry." Her voice was trembling and her hands shaking, all she could do was to wipe away her tears with a cuff. "I can't."
"Wondering could you stay, my love,
Will you wake up by my side?"
Why is that, that she always had to make mistakes in everything but the princess thing, when most of the time, she thinks she is the worst princess ever. She knew it wouldn't be easy, seeing him. But she didn't expect her heart to fall apart into million pieces when she saw his eyes, heard his voice, and felt his touch. Being a princess was actually the easier thing to do. She always had someone to decide for her at crucial points, she just had to stay reasonable. Ouch. Being reasonable was the only thing she could give him right now. Reasonable and honest.
"We're even." she said above the whisper, being sure she had to explain. "I have to move on. And… I had a prom last Saturday. So far, the most important night of my life." He had to know what she was talking about. "And we're even." She should've been calm. But calm was actually the last word to describe her state. She was surprised she could form a logical sentence. And now, waiting for his reaction was killing her.
She forced courage to look him in the eye. Disbelief was what she found there. And somehow she knew his heart had fallen apart too. Not because of some selfish reasons; Michael was never selfish, but because he knew how she was broken. And possibly he knew he was the one to blame. Even if it was her.
"Mia, I'm—" She knew what he was going to say. And she wasn't going to let him do that.
"Don't you dare say that you're sorry." she said, almost too strongly. "It was my decision and it was my fault. One person to regret what has happened is surely enough." She had no more tears to cry, she was just staring at the window, desperately not holding his gaze. Now she felt anger towards him. He was too perfect, and she screwed this up all along.
"You don't love him, Mia, do you?"
"You're not the one to judge!" That was a great chance to ensure him she was not his anymore. She just didn't know whether she wanted to take it. "And, besides, why would I tell you, after two years having a break?" He dropped his head.
"Then why?"
"No, she can't.
Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone."
"Why what?!" She almost shouted. She knew what was the question about, yet she just wanted to make him say it. Pathetic, wasn't it?
"Mia, you know perfectly what I mean!" She had never heard him shouting; he was always the calm one, the responsible one. "Why did you sleep with him?" Their eyes met as they needed to see their feelings. "Just… don't lie to me."
"Woah, you think I've ever lied to you? I told you that and you think I would be able to lie to you about anything?" She was becoming furious at everything she could possibly imagine. Her, him, JP, Judith. "I would never lie to you, Michael!" Wow, that was cruel. She was sure he knew what she was referring to. The big fight back in hotel room, two years ago. The cause of all her problems.
"I've never said—"
"Whatever, Michael." The silence that came after those words was unbearable. Neither of them had the smallest idea what to say, what to do not to make them shout at each other. She was aware that it was all her fault, both their hearts would have been in one part if she hadn't done what she did. Damn, JP was far from being the love of her life, so why the hell was she fooling herself all the time, forcing herself into this relationship? All of it was just a huge misunderstanding, good enough to forget about Michael. Apparently — not.
He deserved the truth. He deserved at least that, though she wasn't sure she could give him anything more. The truth, at least for now.
"It was you." She stated almost whispering.
"Now, do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?"
"What?" She felt more tears coming, just when she thought it was hardly possible anymore. Just the memory of that night would never ever let her calm down. The thought that she might have had a chance to have spent it with the one that she wanted was killing her.
"All the time I imagined it was you, Michael. That's why." She could almost hear his heartbeat, when he raised his head and held her gaze to find in her eyes more than just pain and regret. She knew he was hardly believing in what he had just heard, even she couldn't do it. "It was you I had in my mind. And it was your name I…" She wasn't able to end it.
"Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?"
"And what am I supposed to say right now?" He asked helplessly and somehow bluntly. "I'm sorry that you couldn't make that choice but it's not my fault! Neither his."
"I know!" she sobbed. "I just thought you would never come back!"
"Mia, you perfectly knew I eventually would! You must've known you are still the freakin' love of my life!" His voice was strong, yet breaking a little bit, his hands trembling.
"Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?"
She didn't want to know that. She wanted to know that every part of the world that she built when he was gone, was just flawless. She expected both of them to move on, especially him, as she was the not-so-perfect one. But he didn't and it showed her that she really was the love of his life, in the way she had always been.
"I tried to move on, okay?!"
"Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hands?"
"Yeah, right." Fighting with him wasn't easy, as a matter of fact. Two years ago she would bet on that they would never do this. But things had changed. Everything had pretty much changed.
"And you didn't?!" Accusing him of something like this was more than ridiculous.
"No, Mia, for God's sake! How would I?" It had scared her, when their eyes met. Because she expected to find there anything but emptiness. "You were supposed to be my one and only."
"Would you get them if I did?"
"And now?" She asked quietly.
"Now, I just don't know." As he laughed sadly she knew she screwed up. She screwed this up far too badly to fix it. She lost him in the worst way she could possibly imagine. Of course, not to say that she never even imagined losing him. His indifference was what had hurt her most, maybe because it was fully explicable. And understandable.
"No, you won't.
Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone."
"Michael—" She stood up right after him, when he was about to leave. When he turned his head she could easily see his glassy eyes which made her heart sink even more. She broke her own heart. Herself.
"Just grow up, Mia." He must've been tired of fighting. He thought he had someone to come back for. And surely, he must've thought that things changed at some point. But not that much, and definitely not that bad. He couldn't have suspected everything to fall apart. So blaming her was the only right thing to do, as well as hoping something would change.
"But… Can we…?" She didn't know why she took his hand, when she was scared of his touch just minutes ago. She needed a glimmer of hope, something that would make her fight for them.
"Someday soon." He squeezed her hand lightly and gave her a sad smile, his voice still powerless. "Maybe." He left quickly with his head bowed.
She knew that nothing on earth would bring her happiness back. Nothing but him.
"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part."