Heartless Fantasy: Hello all, this is not my first fanfic, this is a new account. These concepts are taken from Smashing People, in my other account. Please take mote, you may search for my old account Quinmaster, and you will see that I have revised my fanfic, I will add more to it, the character concepts will be similar, and there will be more speech with a character. THIS IS NOT PLAYGIARISM! As I have said, not every character will be in each chapter of this fanfic. Below the disclaimer, the character bios will be described., but not all characters will get a bio. These entries are in diary form.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. These characters are owned by Nintendo or someone affiliated by them.
Mario: The Italian plumber who cheats on his girlfriend, he ends most sentences with an "-a" because of his accent. He envies his brother because he is sexier.
Luigi: The superstar who seeks lots of fortune. He works out daily and is sexier than his older brother. He also has a big "surprise" that packs a nice punch.
Peach: The dumb blonde. She cooks, she cleans, she says stupid things, and she has man eating boobies.
Link: He keeps bombs in strange places and is addicted to smoking. He also has a bad odor between his thighs, like and odor from a girl smelling like "sushi", when she doesn't wash herself after a while.
Bowser: The drunken idiot. He is always running from Samus, is in love with Sheik, and has constipation problems.
Zelda: The richer, prissier princess. She has a bad attitude and isn't afraid to change into Sheik. She suffered from bulimia a while back. Prejudice towards all men.
Sheik: Having a much different personality. She isn't the most attractive female, and she gets horny quickly. She has a nasty surprise which is called "it".
Captain Falcon: He's the horny gay guy. He's fun, like parties, cars, moonlight rides, and pink. He was arrested for sexually harassing Maury.
Fox: A perverted Pokémon lover. He usually molests Mewtwo and has oral sex with Lickitung.
Yoshi: A bisexual dinosaur with a tongue that wonders aimlessly. He has a halitosis, bad breath, which makes most people sick to their stomachs.
Marth: The woman's man, he likes wearing women's lingerie, secretly a cross-dresser.
Roy: He always itches in "places" because he suffers from genital herpes. He's desperate to not be a virgin, the reason he still is one is because he's not as sexy as Luigi.
Young Link: Perverted, and I mean PERVERTED. He does everything an adult would do, except he's 11. He hates for people to help him and he has a problem cooking.
Samus: Samus is in love with Bowser and is always horny for some reason. She also seems to be traumatized from accidents when she was a child.
Ganonodorf: He has eating problems. The doctor's say that if he keeps eating, he may get pregnant. That's right, pregnant!
Author's Note: I may bash a character during this story, I love Oprah , and some characters may be in weird positions, but this is a comedy story. Please do not give bad reviews because a character has a bad trait or is featured in a bad position. These are diary entries, I will note at the top of each section whose entry it is.
-- 3: 42 P.M, May 21 Marth's Diary Entry
Dear Diary,
Today Link and I ate at McDonalds today. For some reason, all the flies were flying around Link's thighs and there was a very bad odor down there which I smelled when I came from the bathroom, I will get to that later. While we were there, Link went to order and the cashier fainted. Maybe Link looked weird, he sure does to me with his big ears and Capri's. Anyway, as I was saying, Link decided to go behind the counter and get the food. We ate and the people inside and for some reason would walk by Link and shout out "Good God Almighty what is the, road kill?" or something like "I can't believe they haven't taken out the trash in here." A guy whispered to me and asked did I smell something bad, I said no. (Maybe it's because I had a stuffy nose.) My bra was itching me badly, and I wanted to go to the bathroom to fix it. Link insisted I stay with him because 2 cashiers were getting a bucket of water and some soap and were pointing at Link. I thought think they were pointing at a spill on the floor and they needed to clean it up. I went on to the bathroom and fixed my bra, thong, and blew my nose. When I headed out the bathroom, there was this god awful smell that hit me in the face. My eyes burned and I gasped for air. Before I blanked out, I could see Link half naked. He was running away from the people who had soap and water, and the others who ate inside were cheering. (Maybe they thought Link was a celebrity and wanted his clothes and dirty bath water.) When I woke up, I was laying on a table. And people all had air freshener spraying it everywhere, and Link was naked, his clothes were in the trash. They said Link was banned from McDonalds, we left out, and the people inside burned his clothes. He wore my panties and bra on the walk home so he could have something to wear, and people were taking pictures. We hurried home, and everyone was sniffing in the air and clapping and cheering for ME. They said, "YEAH MARTH! YOU MADE THE SMELL GO AWAY! NO MORE STINKY LINKY! HIP HIP HOORAY!", Link ran to his room crying. I have to get ready for the party tonight. I plan on wearing that new girdle and dress I bought. (It's hot pink with hearts!)
Marth
-- 2:45 P.M, May 21 Bowser's Diary Entry
Deer Dairy,
Toda wuz the best day uv my life! Leenk had no stinky smel n-e more! He had no more greeen air thing running off of hem. 2 nite we will throw a part-e becuz it is a beer part-e! I kant wate until I can drink all the bear I want and no 1 can stop me. I also no that Mar-e-o is cheeting on peech with : A BEER STAIN COVERS HALF THE PAGE AND MAKES THIS PART ILLEGIBLE: HAR HAR HAR! I will like 2 see the look on peeches fase wen she finds out. Peeches so dum that she wont no wat happened.
Sencerelee,
Bowzer!
4: 43 P.M., May 21 Link's Diary Entry
Journal,
It seems like things will just go wrong when all I did was go a few days (weeks) without having a shower. The reason for all of this is because Captain Falcon always tries to join in on my showers. I have never been so embarrassed in my life. I couldn't even stand the smell in between my thighs. Earlier this morning, the flies that swarmed around my genitalia were dieing from the smell. I think if I can have a bad smell, the Captain Falcon will leave me alone. At this party, I know he will be there. Watching me…trying to touch all over me. :A WHOLE LINE OF THE PAGE HAS A BIG SCRIBBLE RUNNING THROUGH IT: Marth isn't a very good friend because he could have at least helped me when that old lady jumped on my back. They tried a lot of stuff on me: soap, water, Clorox, Tide, and even bacon grease.
I will just have to forget about it, but I have to scrape this stuff off the wall that Fox left when he was in my room with NidoQueen. I hated that night because all you could hear was that darn Pokemon screaming it's name for some reason. Fox was telling it to use some attacks like "lick" and "bounce". He promised he would only need about a few hours with it to "train" it, but he went almost a whole day in my room. Luckily, we had Mario burn the door down and stop them. I didn't see what happened, but all I know is Mario says he has been scarred for life. I have to put on my new boots and spandex pants, and maybe a gold earring in my right ear when I go to party! I ran out of cigarettes a while ago, and I need to restock. I have been running out of cigarettes and Mario smoked most of my weed plants. I better go and get some before the party.
Link
-- 5:43 A.M., May 22 Peach's Diary Entry
Hello! Last night was a blast! Mario said he would have some really big news for me. I thought he would say I could go a shopping spree in Wal-Mart. All that big belly mother fu--er old me was that he was cheating on me with some girl name Pamela Anderson. I was mad at Mario, not because he cheated, but mainly because he didn't get me the new Dora the Explorer videos on DVD. I have been watching Nick Jr. re-runs for a LONG time and I am sick and tired of them! I gave Mario a kiss on the cheek and pulled off my shirt for him. My man eating boobies attack that big belly punk and almost ripped off his "cocktail weenie". I don't really feel sorry for him. Zelda acted like she knew EVERYTHING that was gong on. I can't stand her, once day, I will shove a cement block down her throat, and make it come out the other end. My God, I am so tired. I had to clean up the mess Bowser made. Not mess as in the house, but he ate some sushi and it messed with his stomach and he got constipated. I gave him some laxatives and I thought he would be all better, but it really didn't help him. I left out the room, and when I came back in everyone was covered in this green gunk and Bowser was hauled over laughing. I tasted that stuff. It doesn't taste good. It tastes kind of like the stuff you find in the toilet when your Grandmother leaves out. Sometimes it's brown, but for me, every once in a while it's red. Link wants me to get his cigarettes, but I told him for me to get his cigarettes, he has to get rid of his smell. Piece of paper, I am sleepy and I must get my rest. Goodnight!
Au Re Voir!
:DROOL IS COVERING THE REST OF THE PAGE:
-- 10:27 A.M, May 23 Young Link's Diary Entry
Gooday Journal,
My older half has been giving me serious problems. He says at the party a couple of days ago, I could have caught AIDS or Hepa---hepitiseosis---- whatever you catch from sex. I want to be an adult and I will do everything in my power to get it. He says whatever I do to myself now affect him. So I tried that. First I burned myself on the cheek when I tried flipping pancakes with my face, Link has a burn mark on his forehead. Next, I'm going to try and see what happens when I Take Viagra! They side effect say that I may have long term effects of being horny!
Right now, I have to cook breakfast! I hate cooking because when I do it, everyone always tries to help me because they think I will burn something! Just because I am young doesn't mean I will burn stuff! The first person to ask if I need help gets one right in the knee-cap. Nothing every goes wrong when I cook by myself. Cool things happen though, like my pancakes started walk, my bacon vomited, and my toast molded in a matter of seconds. Everyone lost their appetite except Bowser. He still ate, but Samus started touching Bowser's private part and he threw a fit. I didn't eat because I was too busy havng a conversation with the Moo Moo Milk.
That reminds me, I will get Roy back for what he did. He drank all my Moo Moo milk. That virgin punk is going to pay. Think about it, you're 23 years old, and you're still a virgin! I'm a pre-teen and I have been looking up old ladies' skirts since I was 3 ½! I know how I will get him. All I need is Bowser, some food coloring, and an empty bottle of Moo Moo Milk. I better start on my plan right now:: A SMILEY FACE WITH AN EVIL GRIN IS DRAWN:
-- 5:54 P.M, May 23 Samus's Diary Entry
Samus Signing In:
I have great news: Tomorrow I will propose to Bowser. He has been avoiding me lately. He changed his locks to his house, but I can sneak in his window tonight for a little "alone" time. I really love Bowser, no matter how dumb he is. At the party, I tried to get him drunk enough to kiss me, but he opened his mouth and ate me. I was caught inside Bowser's stomach inside all of his digestive fluids. Now I love Bowser, but I couldn't believe some of the stuff he ate! I saw live chicken, a mailbox, Marth's pantyhose, Pikachu, the R. Kelly Sex Tape (Which I horded for myself, I will watch it later on tonight.), and Elvis was inside his body (He IS alive!). I stayed there and I could hear Bowser saying that he had heartburn and he got constipated. I knew I was in for a rude awakening because a whole can of laxatives fell upon my head. I screamed to get out, but I was then being sucked into Bowser's intestine. I was caught in corners, and the god awful smell was melting my suit! The smell reminded me of a couple of days ago, when Link had that bad odor. As I went through the twists and turns, I finally was pushed out of Bowser. I was covered in brown slime and I had 3rd degree burn from all the hot mess being on my body. The next thing I know, Peach was holding me saying, "Congratulations! It's a girl!".
Well computer journal, I must also tell you about earlier this morning when Young Link cooked our breakfast. I'm not saying he could cook or anything, but when I walked in the kitchen, Mario was bleeding from his head. He was face down in a puddle of blood. I helped Link dispose of Mario's body. He said he had a "special surprise" for Roy when he ate breakfast and he wanted me to leave. He said before I go, that I need to take a shower because I smelled like poo. I took my shower and returned to the breakfast table. Luckily nothing was wrong with the food! Nothing crawling, nothing hairy, nothing with flesh eating teeth, but the eggs did hatch into miniature Oprahs and gave us free trips to the Bahamas! Afterwards we prayed for the food. Computer journal, I will write what Luigi when he prayed:
God is good, God is great. Oh thank the Lord for making me sex-ay. I hope that everyone will try and be like me. For I am the sexiest in the world you see. Thank you Jesus for my sexy body and six pack. Thank you Lord for my sexy butt crack. Speaking of crack, Link has been smoking a lot. Weed, cocaine, angel dust, and pot. Lord I thank you for all of this, and I thank you for blessing me with my big, fat di---
Sorry computer journal, the anticipation is killing me and I have to watch this video tape and afterwards I have to get a diamond ring from somewhere, maybe and Bowser will be my husband and Captain Falcon will be my Bride's Maid , and I I'll have the Ice Climbers as the ring bearer and flower girl! The wedding will be so hot!
End Transmission.
6:30 P.M., May 23 Roy's Diary Entry
Young Link put white food coloring in some of Bowser's "stew" and served it to me this morning as breakfast! That little pointy eared bastard will get his! I will make him pay! I have devised a plan, that I will get Young Link to have ALL the sex he wants! Not the in the good way.
Tonight, Luigi and I will go clubbin'. Maybe tonight I will be able to actually KISS a girl! The closest I have come to sex with anyone is when Captain Falcon was really desperate for someone. He said we could do it, I didn't want to, but I needed to lose my virginity. Later on that night, he didn't want to because he said I kept my hand down my pants all the time. The reason is because I have an incredibly BAD itch down there! I knew I should've had my shots before picked up that hooker who gave me oral sex. There wasn't much wrong with her, she just had sagging boobs, one leg, a lazy eye, grey hair, and she almost had a stroke. I enjoyed it, but the lady died afterwards because of the tension of someone 82 years old trying to have sex. My grandmother and great ,great grandfather still have sex! Of course my great, great grand father is dead, and my grandmother is some desperate old horny house wife, who will do it with any thing near her. Once I caught her humping the dead deer Papa brought in for dinner one night.
Speaking of humping, I don't remember how I caught my herpes. Luigi says it could've been from anywhere. It seemed to have come up from that night we went to Never Never Land and I got drunk and all the little kids were laying next to me huddled up saying some Caucasian psycho was after them.
Luigi's calling me saying we need to get ready for the club. I wish I was as sexy as Luigi. He has it all, a sexy body, nice legs, a cute face, and women love him. He looks so much better than Mario, and I wish I was just like him. I asked why he wore green suits and how he got to sexy. He said green was inspired from when Bowser was a baby. He says the sexiness comes from the "it" thing in Sheik. I must find out the "it" that Sheik has. Now I have to :THE REST IS LEFT BLANK BECAUSE ROY WAS PULLED AWAY FROM THE DIARY BY SEXY L' MAN. LUIGI WAS READY TO GO CLUBBIN'.:
12:46 A.M., May 24 Sheik's Diary Entry
Dearest Diary,
I must say that every man has started to look good to Sheik. When Sheik went to clubbin' with Luigi and Roy, Sheik wanted to touch on Roy's butt. Sheik had never noticed that Roy had a cute butt. Sheik looked at Luigi and saw that he had a "sexy" butt and Sheik wanted to touch it. Sheik grabbed the round cheeks of Luigi and he jumped and shouted. Sheik's hormones went crazy and Sheik jumped on Luigi. Sheik used Sheik's "it" to soothe Luigi. Luigi tried and kick Sheik's "it", but Sheik's "it" moved out of the way and my "it" slapped him. He screamed in agony and Roy tried and choke Sheik's "it". Roy said this is the biggest "it" he has ever seen. Roy wrestled with Sheik's "it" and Sheik's "it" choked Roy. Luigi ran off and Sheik ran after Luigi. Luigi can run fast because he has the power of sexiness.. Sheik ran very fast after Luigi and used Sheik's gigantic "it" to hit Luigi in the back of the head. Sheik's "it" roared as Sheik pounced on Luigi and Sheik's "it" made Luigi scream like a little girl. All this night Sheik's "it" has been smelling like Luigi's saliva and Sheik must wash her "it". Luigi has sexy breath, but Sheik's "it" needs to smell like Sheik, not Sexy in Green. Now it is Zelda's turn to be in control and Sheik must leave. Goodbye Dearest Diary.
Sheik Hearts Luigi
3: 24 A.M., May 24 Luigi's Diary Entry
Ow-a Ow-a Ow-a! My butt-a hurts from Sheik's "it"-a! I don't know why-a so many people want-a the Sexy Luigi. I was unconscious-a after the first-a hour of Sheik's "it"-a molesting my body-a. I must-a say-a that I hate Sheik's "it"-a. I don't want to think-a about it. So I will bring up something else-a.
Peach-a has been acting-a very strange-a. She says-a she has been looking for her diamond rind that was-a given to her-a by her mother-a when she was a baby-a. She says-a when she finds-a whoever who took it-a, she will break-a their necks-a. After about-a 4 minutes-a, she stopped looking-a and watched SpongeBob SquarePants. She sing-a the whole song to the show all day-a. She also hogs the T.V. all-a the time watching Barney and Winnie the Pooh-a, and she throws-a fit-a when we try and watch-a American Idol-a. Man-a I hate Peach, her attitude stinks-a. She also wears a shirt that says-a, "I wish these were brains." Her man eating boobies are a real problem-a. Peach always-a sits around-a the house with her shirt-a off. This would-a usually turn an Italian on, but-a her boobies nipples have thousands of teeth inside them. They don't like-a movement, and attack almost everything they see-a. It's annoying-a watching-a everyone get bitten by her dogs-a.
I have to go to bed-a and get some sleep. I have a big day later on today-a because we are going to the Bahamas! I am so ready to go on a vacation-a! I am tired of this city and everyone-a wants to party-a out in the sun-a. I hope-a we have enough room on the plane-a. They also said-a that there are weed plants there-a. Link will be very happy-a. I have to get some pain killers for my butt.
Catching Z's and an Aching Butt, Luigi
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End Words: Yay! I have plans for a lot of more Captain Falcon in the next one! This is a tiring process because I have to make everyone's entries different, to add to the character personalities. Hopefully, I can get some good reviews with suggestions on what else I could put in. Next chapter, the Bahamas!