Disclaimer: I don't own glee.
Dear God,
It was never hard for me to pray as it is now. I used to know all the right words, the ones I knew from church on Sunday mornings, the ones I prayed every night before going to bed. Now all the words seem to lose their meaning. What words can possibly describe how I feel?
It's strange how things turn out. I've had it all planned. Keeping my rep as the most popular girl in school. Dating dumb but sweet and most of all popular Finn Hudson. Being on every Cheerios practice. Being the president of the celibacy club. Studying hard for my exams. Being head cheerleader. Losing another pound. Yeah, that's what I had in mind. Finn and I could be homecoming king and queen, and then prom king and queen. Then going to college. Living my life. Getting out of this town. Getting married. Having children. It was perfect. It was all I've ever wanted.
But then it all crushed down. When I looked at the little plus sign on the stick, my mind went blank. It took me a few minutes to realize it was really happening. I was pregnant. Me! Head cheerleader, the most popular girl in school. The girl everyone feared of. What hurt the most was facing the celibacy club that day. So I didn't. Instead I drove to the close town and looked for a pharmacy. I spent all the money I had on me on more pregnancy tests. One by one, all of them were positive. That was my breaking point. I sat in my car and cried. I asked you if that was a punishment. If breaking my vow to celibacy was severe enough for you to ruin my life. How could I explain that to Finn? The baby wasn't even his. I never hated Puck more than that moment. I hated myself for trusting him.
As I lied in bed at night, with my hand on my still flat stomach, I could swear I felt the life growing inside of me. The picture of a four weeks old baby in my biology book didn't even look like a baby, but I felt like something magical was happening. I didn't want the baby, but what could I do? Killing it would have been a bigger sin than having it. I can't even say that dreadful word out loud.
I couldn't lie, but I had to. I told Finn the baby was his, and for once his stupidity was worthwhile. But I didn't tell coach. Like everyone else, I was afraid of her. So I attended every practice, even with the life inside me I could be on top of the cheerleading pyramid. But something went wrong. I fell down during one stunt, and then I felt a horrible pain in my lower stomach. My skirt was stained with blood, and it was flowing out of me. I got up, the pain was almost unbearable. I walked slowly to the showers. Santana and Brittney followed me. They helped me take off my clothes as I cried at the pain and fear. Brittney went to get my changing clothes, and Santana helped me to get in the shower. I washed the blood and I knew what has happened. After I dried and got dressed I felt much better. Santana looked at me like she knew. She hugged me, but I didn't cry. I'm almost scared to say it. I felt…relived. Like someone has made the choice for me and I didn't have to deal with it. Finn took it hard. He cried more than I did. Puck looked at me and touched my shoulder lightly. He left and we never talked about the baby again.
I sometimes wonder what could have happened if I still had it. What if I didn't miscarry? I would have probably lost my popularity. My parents would have kicked me out. Even worse, what if Finn found out it wasn't his baby? I think I would have died.
Dear God, thank you for that. I think I've learned something after all of this- Never trust men. Never. I have to go now; I have a stupid glee club rehearsal. I have to keep Manhands off of Finn.